Letting Go (Healing Hearts)

by Michelle Sutton

  “I’ll go for that. I need to stop at Katia’s house to get Joey first. I hope you don’t mind his coming along. We’re rarely separated if I can help it.”

  “I don’t mind at all. It’ll be safer if he tags along, anyway.” She blushed as she stood. “Let’s go to Maria’s Cantina on the freeway. See you in about thirty minutes?”

  Warmth spread through him. “Okay. Great choice. If you get there first, save us a seat. We’ll be along shortly.”

  The memory of their heated kiss a few days earlier passed through his mind. He smiled and wondered what she meant about it being safer if Joey tagged along.

  Suddenly he wished they were meeting alone. But she wasn’t a Christian. He needed to remember that. Plus she was his attorney.

  How he wished none of those rules mattered.

  Chapter 16

  Diane requested a table for two and a highchair for Joey. The server seated her in a booth near the bar. Diane didn’t like sitting up front, but happy hour had the restaurant packed, so she took the first table she could get.

  While she waited for Dave, she daydreamed, tapping her fingers on the table to the rhythm of the music in the background and mulling over the events of the day. An elegant lady dressed in a black pantsuit and fur coat approached the bar and sat on a vacant stool. Diane recognized the woman’s gait instantly, and her chest tightened.

  An attractive, slender man in his early to mid sixties guided the woman to her seat, his hand on the small of her back. He leaned over and whispered something in her ear. She tipped her head back and laughed, drawing attention to herself. Smiling, she glanced over and caught Diane’s gaze.

  Diane forced a faint smile in return. The last person she wanted to see staring back at her was her mother. She’d thought she was in Nevada. But then again, her mother traveled so much it really didn’t surprise Diane to see her in Boise. So why hadn’t she called?

  “Di? What a surprise!” Her mother slid off the barstool, nearly stumbling on one of the legs. As she approached, the thin man trailed behind her.

  “Never expected to see you,” Diane mumbled. “Why didn’t you call when you arrived in town?”

  Her mother glanced at her male friend without answering. Diane held out her hand.

  “I’m Diane Simmons. It’s so nice to meet you, Mr . . . ?”

  “Jaxon. Mel Jaxon, but you can call me Jax. Everyone does.”

  He pumped her hand. His attention traveled from her lips to linger on her breasts, then down to her knees and back again.

  She shivered. She hated it when her mother’s boyfriends eyed her like that.

  “Are you cold?” her mother crooned, breathing in her face as she leaned close. “Would you like to borrow my jacket?”

  Glassy, bloodshot eyes stared at Diane. From the smell of her mother’s breath, Diane knew she had been drinking again. She stifled a groan.

  “No, Mother. I’m not cold. But thank you for asking.”

  “Can I buy you a drink? I’m sure you could use one after having that horrible hysterectomy. How are you coping? Don’t you just want to cry every time you see a baby?”

  “Mother!” Diane hissed so only her mother could hear. “You don’t have to announce it to the world.” She caught a glimpse of Dave entering and cringed.

  Her mother scanned her up and down, clucking her tongue. “My goodness, you look like you’ve gained fifty pounds. What in the world have you been eating?”

  She wanted to shout, “Cheesecake!” But when she opened her mouth, not a sound came out. Not even a grunt.

  Dave appeared behind her mother, with Joey resting on his chest. The little boy sucked on his thumb with tenacity. She grimaced at the astonished look on Dave’s face. Apparently he had heard her mother’s rude comment and cleared his throat to announce his presence. Her mother turned.

  “I happen to think she looks perfect.” He smiled at Diane. “Did you save us a seat?”

  The unexpected compliment rendered Diane even more speechless, if that were possible. She motioned to the empty chair and highchair, then found her voice. “Dave, this is my mother, Lacy, and her friend, Jax. Mother, Jax, this is Dave, my . . . uh, my friend.”

  “Pleased to meet you.” Dave held out his hand to greet Jax first.

  Her mother pursed her lips, and Diane stiffened. Somehow she knew her mother was about to say or do something horrific.

  She eyed Dave, and then glanced over at Diane as if jealous. The competition between them never ended. Closing her eyes, Diane hoped her mother wouldn’t embarrass her further.

  “If you let him suck his thumb, he’ll need braces later. A good father doesn’t let his child suck his thumb. You need to break him of that habit.”

  Diane opened her eyes and watched her worst fear play out. Her mother actually reached over and plucked Joey’s thumb from his mouth, causing the boy to shriek like a wounded animal. The hair on the back of Diane’s neck rose at the sound.

  Dave cringed and turned red, clearly embarrassed by the outburst. “Shh, Joey, it’s okay.”

  He held the boy close and paced the floor with him, trying to calm him down. When that made little difference he excused himself and headed for the door to get him away from the crowd now staring at them.

  “Be right back,” he called over his shoulder.

  Diane growled and stomped her feet. “I can’t believe you, Mother. What was that all about? Now the entire restaurant knows we’re here, and Dave is embarrassed. I wish you’d just go away.” Turning her back, she folded her arms, scowling.

  “I was . . . just tryin’ to help.” Her mother slurred her words. “You are such an ungrateful child. After everything I’ve done for you, and you treat me like this?”

  Diane spun around, her eyes blazing. “What you’ve done for me? You screwed me up, that’s what you’ve done. Sometimes I wonder if you did it on purpose.” She lowered her voice, the words shaking. “What I don’t understand is why.”

  The server standing behind Diane cleared his throat, “Excuse me, but could you all please sit down?”

  Lacy smirked at Diane. “I never understood what your father saw in you. You’re all he ever talked about. It made me sick.” She turned and left Diane standing with her mouth hanging open.

  Diane rushed to the bathroom, holding her stomach, afraid she’d get sick. Splashing cold water on her face helped a little. So did shoving her mother’s words as far away as she could. If only she could hurl them into outer space, never to return.

  When she emerged from the bathroom she found Dave sitting at their table. Her mother and Jax were nowhere in sight. Joey rested his head on Dave’s shoulder, his eyes sealed shut.

  “I’m so sorry my mother upset him.” Diane’s throat squeezed so tight she could barely speak. “I don’t know what else to say.”

  “I know you aren’t responsible. Come here. Sit down.” Dave nodded at the seat opposite him. He picked up his glass of ice water and motioned for Diane to do the same. “Have a drink. It’ll help you feel better.”

  She grimaced. “I’m not thirsty. In fact, I’ve totally lost my appetite.”

  “Me too. If it’s okay with you, I think I’ll take Joey home and lay him down for his nap. He seems crankier than usual today. I wonder if he’s cutting some molars.”

  Flushing when Dave looked at her for her opinion on the subject, she said, “I wouldn’t know. I have no clue about child development.”

  He chuckled, and her chest tightened. Was it that obvious she wasn’t maternal?

  His gaze swept her face, and he smiled tenderly. “You have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.”

  “What?” Her chin trembled. She attempted to push down the hurt feelings his amusement still evoked.

  He grinned. “Mom always told me to watch out for women with bedroom eyes.”

  She stiffened and braced the table, scowling at him.

  Dave inhaled. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that like it sounded. It’s just, well . . . you’
re so stunningly beautiful.” He reached over and touched her arm.

  She could no longer contain her tears. “You insensitive jerk!” She stood. “I really hate being told I’m beautiful all the time. In fact, I’m not even feeling like a very good attorney right now. Maybe you should find somebody else to represent you. Now if you’ll excuse me.”

  She grabbed her purse off the seat and headed for the door, hating that she’d been judged unfairly because she was attractive, something she couldn’t do much about. Even when she jogged without any make-up on and wore frumpy sweatsuits, she still managed to draw stares from men. She climbed into her car and slammed the door.

  Before turning on the ignition, she rested her forehead on the steering wheel and allowed the tears she held back to burst forth. “God, I hate my life,” she sobbed. “It stinks, and you haven’t done a thing to make it better.”

  Finally she exhaled, started the car, and drove off. Turning on the radio, she cranked up the volume, trying to squelch the strange thought running through her head that kept repeating over and over until she wanted to scream.

  I have loved you with an everlasting love . . .

  “Shut up! Just shut up! You don’t love me. Nobody loves me.”

  Her vision blurred and her car swerved on the road. Blinking lights suddenly appeared behind her. Looking in the rearview mirror, she saw the patrol car of a county sheriff’s deputy behind her.

  She stopped her car at the side of the road, moaning, and laid her head on the steering wheel again. “God, show me where to go. Tell me what to do. I’m so lost.”

  As tears rolled down her face, a man’s face appeared in her mind. Someone she could trust. A still, small voice said, Go. Talk to Dave. Apologize. He won’t hurt you.

  Her heart lifted and peace settled over her. It felt as if her prayer had been specifically answered.

  * * *

  Dave continued pacing. He called Diane’s home number three times and left several messages on her cell phone. Where could she possibly be? The worry in his stomach burned like fire. Something bad must have happened to her. He lifted her up in prayer, asking for wisdom and for safety, and petitioning God to give her both.

  Around nine o’clock the burden lifted from his shoulders as though his prayer had been answered. He didn’t know how, but he believed Diane would be okay. Within minutes his cell phone rang.

  “Dave’s Corporate Consulting.”

  “It’s me, Diane.”

  His heart lifted at the sound of her voice.

  “I’m sorry I flew off the handle earlier. You don’t need to find another attorney. I still want to help you.”

  He wondered about the barely restrained tension in her voice. Did she still harbor anger toward him for his comment at the restaurant? He hoped not, but wouldn’t doubt it. Thinking before he spoke was something he needed to do more often.

  “Are you still angry with me?”

  Her exasperated sigh caused his chest to squeeze. “Why does everything always have to be about you? Argh! You men are all so aggravating.”

  His hackles rose. “What’s that supposed to mean—you men?”

  “Just what I said. All you men care about is your egos. You don’t care about my feelings at all.” Her voice hitched at the end of her sentence.

  One thing he’d learned since becoming a Christian was to weigh what people said carefully, sifting through the facts. If any truth existed in the accusation, he needed to claim responsibility for his behavior.

  “You’re probably right. I was wrong to assume that. Will you please forgive me?”

  “You . . . you’re not going to argue with me?”

  “No. Is that hard for you to believe?” His voice thickened.

  She sniffled. “Actually, it is.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s a long story. Here’s the short version. I’ve never felt close to my family—or anyone, for that matter. I don’t know how to love, and I always trust my heart to people who can’t love me back. I’m a mess. Believe me, Dave, you don’t want to hear the long version. It’ll totally freak you out.”

  “Let me be the judge of that. I’d be happy if you’d trust me enough to keep talking to me . . . as a friend. I still want to keep in touch with you after this trial is over. I really like you, Diane.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Do you want to come over and just hang out? Maybe we could clear the air between us?”

  He expected flat-out rejection. When she said, “Sure, I’d like that,” his heart squeezed, then kicked up a notch.

  “Really? Okay. So I’ll see you in a few?”

  Her voice sounded breathy, light. “Yes. Bye, Dave.”

  Fifteen minutes later she stood on his porch, looking as gorgeous as she had earlier that day in court. For a second he doubted the wisdom of inviting her to his home— at night and alone.

  Temptation rippled through him as she strolled past him, her exotic perfume lightly wafting under his nose. She turned and stared at him, unmoving, her wide hazel-and-gold eyes shining with tears.

  He froze in place. Inviting her over had been a very bad idea. If he weren’t so attracted to her, it wouldn’t be a problem. But seeing her up close and capturing her scent nearly undid his restraint. He prayed for strength.

  Becoming aware that the rich aroma of fresh-brewed coffee lingered in the air, he cleared his throat. “Would you like some coffee? I just brewed a pot. Or tea? Would that be better?”

  Tucking loose strands of hair around her ear, she moved across the room. “Coffee sounds great. Is it decaf?” She eased onto his leather sofa, crossed her legs, and placed her purse on the floor beside the coffee table.

  “It is.”

  Dave hurried to the kitchen for the coffee, then returned to the living room feeling much more under control. He’d lit a fire in the fireplace before she arrived. The side of Diane’s face glowed from the light of the roaring flames.

  He set the small tray he was carrying on the coffee table in front of her. “I brought cream and sugar too.”

  “That’s perfect. Thank you.”

  He sat next to her, leaving a few feet between them, and propped his hands on his knees. “So what should we talk about?”

  She lifted one perfectly arched brow. “You’re the one who wanted to clear the air. What do you want to talk about?”

  “Hmm . . . Let’s start out with something easy like why did you decide to call me?” That topic shouldn’t be too emotionally charged.

  Her cheerful smile fizzled.

  Was that a bad question?

  She chewed her lip, and her cheeks darkened. Glancing up at him with a sad look in her eyes, she whispered, “The weirdest thing happened to me around nine o’clock. I had this argument going on in my head. So I asked God to help me. Earlier I’d heard a voice in my head saying ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love.’ Whose voice do you think I heard?”

  “Are you certain that’s what the voice said?”

  She glanced up. “Yes. Am I going crazy or do you sometimes sense a nudging inside of you to do something? It was so strong. It felt weird.”

  “I don’t think it’s weird. In fact, I think it’s pretty cool.”

  Her full lips curled, making them look very kissable. “You do?”

  “Yeah. I prayed for you on and off until nine o’clock. I sensed something was upsetting you. When I knew God had answered my prayers, I stopped. Then you called me.”

  Her forehead wrinkled. “You were praying? But why would you pray for me?”

  “I was worried. I had a feeling you needed prayer. Why? Were you in trouble?”

  “Maybe.”

  “You can tell me whatever you’re comfortable sharing and forget the rest. I don’t need to know all the details.”

  “Good, because you couldn’t handle it if you knew everything about me.” Her eyes filled with tears and she glanced away.

  His heart thumped, and he had the distinct sensation that
he was to lead her to the Lord. His heart stopped beating for a fraction of a second. God had never spoken to him so clearly before. He knew he’d regret it if he didn’t heed His voice.

  His palms grew damp as if he were preparing to make a public confession of faith. He wondered why he felt nervous. He wanted Diane to know the Lord, so why was he scared?

  Dave waited until Diane turned back to him. Then he said softly, “I know Someone who desires to know everything about you. In fact, He already does.”

  Her eyes widened and she swallowed. “You do? But how?”

  “Jesus loves you, Diane. He wants your heart. It doesn’t matter to Him what you’ve done. Just tell Him you want to know Him, and He’ll touch your life in a way that will change you forever. You can trust Him.”

  “Jesus loves me? Diane frowned. “That’s who you meant? For a minute there I thought you meant someone real.”

  Dave flinched.

  “I’m sorry,” she said hastily. “I didn’t mean to be sarcastic.”

  Touching her cheek, he captured her full attention, certain of what he was to tell her. “The Lord wants you to know that He knows about your past. He knows everything you’ve ever done. He hurt with you when you suf—”

  Diane jumped off the couch. “You’re crazy.” She held her hands out and backed away from him, nearly stumbling over the coffee table in the process.

  “What?”

  “You’re wrong.” She hunched over as if her stomach hurt. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

  Something deep inside told him she needed his reassuring arms to hold her close. Her deep sobbing tore at his heart. When he moved closer, she held her hand out and moaned.

  “Stay away from me.”

  “Why does it upset you so much that God loves you?”

  “Just leave me alone. You didn’t hear from God. It’s all in your mind.”

  “The Lord spoke to me. He loves you. I swear that’s what He said. Why are you fighting Him? God is nothing like your real father. God’s love is perfect—”

  She sobbed, “God can’t want me. He can’t.”