by Lolah Lace
“Yeah.”
I was skinning and grinning. I swore off light skinned brothers senior year of high school when Deonte Brooks broke my heart. I was on his long list of chocolate brown girls that he went through. He has the nerve to be married with two kids now. His wife looks like she could be my twin. Life is funny.
I was reminiscing on the past when my cell phone started ringing in my hand. I wasn’t sure how I ended up holding my phone. I probably nervously put it there after I didn’t have any clothing in my hands. It was in my back pocket when I left my apartment. I grabbed it and looked at the screen. There was a sexy picture of Idris Elba.
Logan set a picture of Idris Elba as his contact photo. Logan was so funny like that. I really miss him.
“Excuse me, I have to take this.” I told Kurt as I stepped toward the laundry room door. He nodded his head.
When the coast was clear I slid the cell screen open with my finger.
“Hey, Logan.”
“Hey.”
“How’s it going?”
“It’s going. I’m coming home tomorrow.”
“Did you book your flight?”
“I got that taken care of.”
“Text me the information and I will be there to pick you up from the airport.”
“I just want to come back and get back to work. I’m just so exhausted.”
“I understand.”
“What are you doing?”
“Oh, I’m just doing laundry. Do you want me to do yours before you get back?”
“No, I don’t have much. Did you go check on my place?”
“Oh yeah, I threw your milk out. It went bad. I emptied your garbage.”
“Thanks.”
“Logan, are you okay?”
“I’m coping. I don’t want to leave my mother but my aunts are here with her. I’m a little overwhelmed. My family is small but my father knew a lot of people. My grandparents died before I was born. I haven’t been to many funerals. I don’t really know how to handle death.”
“I don’t think any of us know how to handle it.”
“I just want to get back to normal. Back to you. I know I’ve never said this before but you are my best friend. You understand me. You make me feel good all the time.”
My heart liquefied. We had never expressed any true feelings. Our relationship had been all fun and games up until to this point. I thought of Logan as family but it was just a feeling that had never manifested into actual words.
“You’re my best friend too. I miss you.”
“I’ll be back soon. I just want things to go back to the way they were.”
“They will,” I promise.
“Okay, Chey. I will see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah bye.”
I ended the call.
CHAPTER 11
I didn’t sleep well. I tossed and turned the entire night. I even had a dream about Kurt. It was the first time in a long time I had an instant attraction to any man. I woke up in the morning feeling tired and restless.
I called in sick to work. I needed to spend the day with Logan. He called my cell to tell me when his plane was landing. I was oddly nervous while I drove to get him. I didn’t know why I felt that way. He was gone for ten days, and that seemed like forever. We talked every day. He texted me every day, but sleeping by myself was lonely. He shared my bed at least three or more days out the week. That was just enough days for me to feel real good.
He never did the most. He gave me space but still knew when I needed company. My nervousness turned into excitement the closer I got to the airport. I picked him up from the arrival terminal and we headed back home.
I stopped for pizza because we were both hungry. He was back, and it was like he never left. Logan showered at my place after he dropped his luggage at his own apartment. We both got dressed in our pajamas. We ate more than half the pizza in my bed while watching two missed episodes of Revenge.
We had been so quiet for so long and then Logan startled me when he spoke.
“It hurts.” His voice was shaky and uneasy. I remained quiet. I didn’t actually know what to say to him. “I don’t know if the dying part is worse. We all have to die, you know. It hurts that I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. I didn’t get a chance to say, dad, I love you.”
I felt the urge to touch him, but I didn’t want to send him mixed signals. “I’m sure he knows that.”
“I hope so.”
We were both silent again. I needed to tell Logan about Kurt asking me out. It would have been weird if we ran into Kurt while we were together. Which was highly likely since Kurt had seen me with Logan before. Was this a good time to bring it up? Maybe Logan would be too distracted to care about my new gentleman caller. Hopefully, he wouldn’t give it much thought.
“I met one of our new neighbors in the laundry room.”
“You did. How did that go?” Logan seemed genuinely interested.
“It went okay. I guess.”
“Is it someone I know?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Which floor is her apartment?”
“It was a guy.” I choked the words out.
“Oh, what floor?”
“Third.”
“Is it that old guy with the motorcycle?”
“No, it’s someone that just moved in. He’s been here awhile”
“What does he look like?”
“He’s Black and tall.” There was no way I was going to tell Logan how incredibly attractive and downright sexy Kurt was. He was Ralph Angel fine.
“I believe I know who you’re talking about? He’s in apartment 312.”
I wasn’t sure if that was intended as a question. There was no way I would admit it.
“I don’t know what apartment he lives in, but he seems cool. I think we should watch Smallville next.” I quickly decided to change the subject. This wasn’t the best time to tell Logan I had a date with our tall, dark, tasty and handsome neighbor. After all the Logan had been through I didn’t want to spring this on him.
***
I had only gone on a few dates with Kurt. I keep my distance because of Logan. It was just too weird. We all lived in the same apartment building. Logan always acted so cool but I knew it would never be the same if I kicked him from in between my legs to be with Kurt. There have to be some more sexy fine ass brothers that dwell outside this apartment complex.
How would I ever say ‘stop eating my pussy’ because I found someone else to do that? That was a conversation I didn’t want to happen at this point in time. I couldn’t lie. I would miss it. Logan did it better than anybody I’ve had before, weird because I wasn’t physically attracted to him. He was just Logan.
I hadn’t seen my mother in months. I had an entire week off to go to Arkansas and spend with her. I was excited to see her especially after what happened to Logan’s father six months ago.
I called my mother every day, but I really needed to see her. I had to work at my new job at least eight months before I was able to take a week long vacation. I was going to make sure my mother knew how to use FaceTime before I left Arkansas. Talking was great, but it was better to be able to see her face.
My flight went well. My mother’s new house was nice and cozy. She took me around the town and showed me off to everybody. I had a secret, but I couldn’t tell her. I was going to make another attempt to ask my mother about my biological father.
We were eating dinner when I thought to broach the taboo subject.
“Mama is my father still alive?”
“Why would I know the answer to that?”
I squinted. I didn’t keep in contact with every guy I slept with, but I would think I would know something about the one that knocked me up. Is she serious? Logan had this theory that I picked the wrong men because I didn’t have a male role model. Basically, I never knew my father. I don’t even know his name.
“You had sex with him and a baby. I think you can come up with some information.�
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“There ain’t nothing to say.”
“Was he tall? Was he short? Was he younger than you or older than you? Give me something, a name would be a good start?”
“Why? What difference does it make?”
“It makes a difference to me. I’m grown now. You can tell me. I can handle it. What is his name? And don’t say you forgot.”
“Fine, his name is Joe Turner.”
She was lying and I knew it. I was so disappointed in her. I was also hurt. This was the one thing that always put a wedge between us. I needed a story, and after all this time it seemed she could have at lease given me the benefit of a decent lie. But no, I got nothing today like I had gotten nothing for years. She preferred I wonder. She preferred I walk around with half of who I am – a complete blank.
Did my father rape her? Did he beat her? Why was she so spooked? Why would she lie to me, her own daughter? What was she hiding? I had the power to find my father. I had the power to get the answers to all my questions. I wasn’t sure I was quite ready to hear the truth. Somehow I hoped I would hear it from my mother.
The time I spent with her was great if you erase the one hiccup that was my unknown father. What did she think would happen if I learned that truth? I don’t understand why she can’t see the hole I have inside that can be filled with the simplest information.
I had to leave Arkansas without any information on my biological father. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but it is what it is.
CHAPTER 12
Sheba picked me up from the airport on Sunday. I called and texted Logan. He never answered my calls. It was strange because I talked to him every day while I was in Little Rock. The day I was set to come home he wasn’t answering my calls or my texts. Logan and I didn’t fight so if he were mad at me, this would be a first.
When Sheba dropped me back at my apartment, I noticed that Logan’s car wasn’t parked in the lot. I called him again but still there was no answer. Maybe he was with a girl. I couldn’t be sure. I would see him in the morning if he came to carpool. Why wouldn’t he? We always rode together. If he didn’t show up at my door in the morning I would see him at work. Logan never missed work. He had only taken days off to go to his father’s funeral.
I slept weird. Not hearing from Logan made it hard to sleep. Not seeing him at my door in the morning made my stomach feel queasy.
***
Just like that, Logan was gone. He had vanished without a trace. He quit his job. I didn’t find out until Monday morning when my supervisor told me. He asked me if I could clean out his desk. He requested I take Logan’s personal belongings to him because HR informed him that Logan wasn’t coming back to the office at all.
I said I would. There wasn’t much to take. I wasn’t going to say I didn’t even know where he was. I was close to Logan. I was supposed to know what was up. I was on his emergency call list. I thought we were besties.
I blew Logan’s cell phone up. I called and I called. The redial was on fire with my finger lighting the match. I was worried for the first three voicemail messages. I was highly upset for the next two. I was heated for the next three messages. I cussed his motherfucking ass all the way out for the last two.
I knew he wasn’t dead. He called human resources and said he wasn’t coming back. I pressed the supervisor to tell me what Logan said, and he wasn’t even supposed to tell Logan’s personal business. He couldn’t give me much insight.
I was so mad. Like big mad, not little mad. I would have physically attacked Logan if he magically appeared before me. Like who does that? Who just disappears without a fucking trace? We saw each other every single day. We practically lived together. I hadn’t done a damn thing to deserve this whack ass treatment.
I know Logan resigned from work, but I was thinking all kinds of crazy backward bullshit. Maybe he was kidnapped. Maybe he was sold into some male sex trafficking ring. Maybe he got amnesia and doesn’t remember his name. Maybe he died after he quit and that’s why I haven’t heard from him.
Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. I never heard a peep from Logan. He had no active social media accounts. I looked. I searched. He had closed everything out. He had really vanished. It was like the Matrix. He had vanished off the grid. I watched the Matrix movie with Logan too many times to count. Why would he do this to me?
It hurt. It hurt like a breakup, but it was worse because he was my friend. It was like someone died. I talked about Logan to Sheba so much. She listened to me bitch and moan. Getting over the feeling of betrayal took me some time.
I dated Kurt for a few months and we drifted apart. I had one year where I was burning the streets up looking for Mr. Right. I had another complete year of celibacy. I called that my gap year. The year I didn’t let anybody in between the gap in my thighs. I didn’t have a reason for any of the madness.
I thrived at work. After two years I became the supervisor in my department. More money was always nice. I wasn’t lucky in love, but I was lucky at work.
My long lost cousin called me and invited me to the family reunion in Gibson, Arkansas. It was on the other side of the river from Little Rock. I had been talking to my cousin for a while. She found me on Facebook. She was my father’s sister’s daughter. I had never met my father and I really didn’t know much about him.
After all these years, my mother still never spoke about him. When I asked, I was always shot down. I didn’t ask my cousin too many questions. I was afraid of what I would find out. My mind raced for years wondering why my mother refused to tell me anything about my father. I thought he might be dead or in prison. I learned from my cousin that was not the case. Sometimes she dropped little nuggets. She only said enough to keep me interested but not anything to turn me away.
It didn’t deter me from meeting my father. He knew I was going to be at the reunion and I didn’t know what to expect. I flew into the airport, and my cousin Dana picked me up. Dana was the same age as me, but we looked nothing alike. She was really bright and had hazel eyes and sandy colored hair. She kind of looked mixed, but both of her parents were Black. Her mother was my father’s sister, and I wondered if he looked like Dana and her mother or if he was deep brown like me.
Dana talked me into staying with her. She had a one-bedroom apartment. I agreed. We partied the first night I got into town. She seemed like family right away. We were both single, and she was so cool to be around. The big day was tomorrow so I got drunk because seeing my father would be something I longed for my entire life.
Dana practically pushed me out the car when we got to the house. The place was huge and on a lot of acres. They had a tent set up in the backyard. I could smell the grilled food as soon as I started walking toward the noisy backyard.
I got plastered with bone breaking hugs and kisses. Everyone welcomed me, and they didn’t grill me or ask me twenty questions. I stayed by Dana, and she acted as my bodyguard, my buffer between my new family.
My father hadn’t arrived yet. She warned me that he had a family and that she would alert me when he arrived. That time came in an hour. She took me to a room in the house that was like a den.
A man was there. He was a few shades darker than me, skinny and tall.
“Hey, Uncle Wallace,” Dana said to the man, the man that gave up his sperm a long long time ago.
Dana rushed over and gave him a hug.
“Thanks.” His voice was deep and strong, and it didn’t seem to fit with his thin and wrinkled face.
“I’m going to be in the kitchen with granny.” Dana smiled at me and left us alone in the room.
He stared at me and didn’t say anything at all. I felt uncomfortable, exposed, out of my element. But I wasn’t a punk. I was Cheyenne, and I wasn’t scared of this old absentee ass Negro.
“So you’re my father.” I twisted my lips with a bitterness I had been harboring for many years.
“I am.”
Another wave of silence filled the room of the house. I small
kid ran in through the room. He entered one door and exited the other within seconds.
“Tyrone you better stop running around here.” My birth father yelled out to the kid I didn’t know. I wonder if he was my cousin. The little boy was long gone, but I’m sure he heard Thomas Hamilton’s voice. It carried.
This was stupid. If this old bastard thinks I’m going to do all the talking when he was the one missing from my life for over two decades, he had another thing coming.
“You look like my daughter, Virginia.”
Who? Who names their daughter Virginia? “So you have a daughter?”
“Two daughters and two sons.”
Is he for real?
“You have half brothers and sisters.”
“I do?” I heard him but I didn’t know what to say. This moment was more awkward than I thought it would be. I don’t know what I thought. I wasn’t prepared.
“They want to meet you. The youngest two didn’t know you existed. We kept it a secret from them. Junior and Virginia remember you.”
How can they remember me? I never met or seen them.
“I told all my children as soon as I found out you were going to be here.”
I didn’t know what to say. He had four kids. He knew them but he didn’t know me. Why wasn’t I included? What made me unwanted? Where the hell had they been all these years? My mother lived only a few miles away in Little Rock when she was a young girl. I had always lived in Broadview, Illinois until I moved to Forest Park.
Thinking about it made me angry.
“Cheyenne I know you’re mad, but there are two sides to every story.” It was like he was reading my mind. Maybe he was just reading my facial expressions.
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Yes, there are two sides. I would love to hear your side.”
“I don’t want to say anything bad about your mother.”
“And you shouldn’t. She raised me all by herself without your help.”
“Clearly she did a good job but—”
“But what?” I couldn’t wait to hear this cock and bull story.
“I had two kids when I met your mother. We worked together. I was young at the time, and your mother was beautiful every guy at the job wanted her. The thing is she wasn’t interested in any of those jokers. She had eyes for me only. I had a wife. I got married to Marla when I was nineteen. Rose was the only other woman that had ever paid me any attention. I thought I could see her at work and nobody would ever know. I thought she understood. She knew I was married and she didn’t care. I thought I could have my cake and eat it too. But Rose Miles had other plans for me.”
