Bad Romeo Christmas: A Starcrossed Anthology

by Leisa Rayven

  I'd like to say that I chose to hire an alternate costume for tonight because the other one's so tight now I look like a Star Trek strip-o-gram, but that's not it. It's because I've worked hard to look different, and goddammit, maybe just once in my life I want to feel what it's like to be the hero and not the geek. Angel deserves a leading man, not the comic relief. If I can pull this off, maybe I can stop being so goddamn insecure about the Adonises with which I seem to be surrounded.

  "What did you and Quinn go as?" I ask.

  "You'll see when you get here, which I hope is soon."

  "Tell me it's not some nauseatingly hip couple's costumes."

  She pauses. "Okay, I won't tell you that. But Josh, hurry uuuuup! Marco's asked me twice if you're coming, and I need my bestie hugs. I haven't seen you since Liam and I got back from the island. I miss you. Come drink with meeeee!"

  I chuckle. I've been dying to see her, but my Gammy hasn't been well, so I moved out of Liam's pad and back to Mom and Dad's to help take care of her. Plus, Lissa and Liam have had their hands full dodging the media frenzy from their naked picture debacle. God, it's like most Americans have never seen naked bodies before. I don't see what all the fuss is about.

  Ironically, when I said that to the girl who was filling Gammy's prescription at the drug store, she quipped that if I didn't understand it, I hadn't seen the size of Liam Quinn's man member. After judging her for using the term man member, I joked that the whole thing had been photoshopped, and I knew for a fact that Quinn was packing an acorn in his pants.

  I've never seen someone look so disappointed in my life. I felt so bad, I tried to tell her I was joking, but the words wouldn't come out. I think it's an ingrained male response to pay out on other guys' dick size. Who am I to argue with nature?

  "Josh? Helloooo?"

  "Sorry. Just thinking about your boyfriend's dick."

  "Me, too. Bestie mind meld!"

  "Yeah, but most of the time when I ask what's on your mind you say Liam's dick, so I don't think it's much of an achievement."

  "Yes, but knowing you're thinking about it too makes me feel special. Now, get your ass over here! There are a whole bunch of shots with our names on them. God knows I don't want you anywhere near sober when the countdown hits and you start lamenting about your woman being on the other side of the world."

  "Way ahead of you. Had two beers with dinner. Mom did not approve."

  "That's because you burp like a frat boy when you drink beer."

  "I've told you before, Lissa, the bubbles have to go somewhere. Better out the top than out the bottom."

  There's a knock on my door, and my Gammy calls out, "Joshua? Are you still there? Don't forget to show me your costume before you go."

  I put my hand over the phone. "I'll be out in a sec." I go back to Elissa. "K, better go before she barges in on me in my underwear. Again. See you in twenty minutes."

  "K. See you then."

  I hang up and throw my phone on the bed.

  All right, Kane. No more bullshit. No one's going to tease you tonight. Get your ass into that costume and go on your way.

  I head into the bathroom and open the small plastic case on the sink. My eye doctor convinced me to try contacts last time I got new glasses, but I seriously couldn't be bothered poking myself in the eyeballs every day, so I've barely worn them. Tonight, however, I need to be spec free.

  I take a deep breath and take off my glasses. It feels weird leaving them behind. They've become such an integral part of my identity, my face feels naked without them.

  "Okay. Here we go."

  I fight with the floppy plastic bastards for a good ten minutes before I successfully get them both in, and by then my eyes are streaming. I grab some toilet paper and dab my face. "Fuck me. Bet Clark Kent never had to go through this bullshit."

  When I'm done, I check myself out.

  Man, it's weird being able to see clearly without having anything on my face. Combine my lack of glasses with my slicked-back hairstyle and my new body, and I barely look like myself.

  I take a deep breath.

  Well, I guess that's the point, isn't it? Let's do this.

  ···

  Five minutes later I stand in front of Gammy feeling weird and awesome all at once.

  "Oh, Joshua," she says with reverence. "You look wonderful. So handsome."

  "Thanks, Gammy."

  "I thought you'd wear the other one I always see you in. Space Trek, or something."

  "Star Trek. I thought I'd make a change tonight. Try something different."

  "It's lovely. But you seemed more comfortable in the other one."

  She's not wrong. This thing is so tight, it's like wearing full body Spanx. My internal organs are screaming.

  "Yeah, well ..." I say, "I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone for a change."

  She smiles and beckons me forward to where she's sitting on the couch. When I bend down, she kisses me on the cheek and holds my face. "Darling boy, I'm not sure why you want to change, but I thought you were perfect before all the workouts and protein shakes. And I'm certain your lovely lady did, too, so if this is for her, you may have wasted your time."

  "I can't just be doing it to be healthy?"

  "Of course. But is that why you're wearing that costume?" She gives me one of those looks that makes it feel like she's staring into my soul.

  Busted.

  "I gotta go, Gammy. Do you need anything? A drink? A pillow? Grand Theft Auto on the Xbox?"

  She pats my hand. "I'm fine, bubbeleh. You go have a good night."

  "I will." I kiss her on the cheek and slip on my overcoat. Can't risk being heckled on the subway.

  "Oh, Joshua?" I turn to her. "Just remember that what you wear isn't who you are. It's what's on the inside that counts."

  I smile at her. Trust Gammy to use my identity crisis as a teaching opportunity.

  I give her one last kiss. "See you in the new year, Gammy. I love you."

  "I love you, too, my sweet boy." She gives me a knowing smile before I head down the hall and out the door.

  TWO

  The Gang's All Here

  "Are you at the party yet?"

  Angel sounds so close, I feel like I could reach through the phone and touch her.

  If only.

  "Just arrived, but I'm hanging outside so we can talk. To be honest, I'm not in a partying mood without you."

  She still has another week of filming in Australia, and dammit, I never thought being apart from someone would be this tough. Sure, I missed Elissa when we were studying on opposite sides of the country, but it was nothing like this. Missing Angel is like having a slow-motion heart attack. My chest hurts like hell, and hearing her voice only makes me miss her more. Considering this is my first relationship that's lasted longer than me showering after sex, I have no idea if this is normal or not.

  One thing I do know is that our separation is my own stupid fault, because I wanted to come back and help Elissa with the benefit concert. Even though I could tell Angel wasn't thrilled about me leaving, she supported me one-hundred percent. But what she didn't know is that I was also running from how it felt to watch her fall in love with another man every day on the film set, even if it was just an act.

  I've never considered myself a jealous person, but watching Angel make out with someone else? I now have a deep, empathetic understanding of how it felt for Dr. Jekyll to transform into Mr. Hyde. Julian is an okay dude, and when it's just the two of us talking about comics or video games, I'm fine. But the second I see him talking to Angel, or worse, touching or kissing her ... Yeah. Veins bulge, muscles tense, and I want to leave fun, affable Josh at the door so needlessly violent Josh can come out and play.

  I know my reaction stems from my feelings of inadequacy, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong in thinking a guy like me doesn't have a snowball's chance in Hades of keeping a woman like Angel.

  To her credit, Angel does a good job of making it seem like we could work, and
despite my doubts, I really want to believe her.

  "God, Josh, I miss you so much. Did you know it's been next year in Australia for ages now?"

  "Yeah? Did you have a good time last night? Party with the cast and crew?" And of course, by cast and crew I mean hunka-beefcake leading man, Julian Dickface Norman. Let's not forget about that stupidly likeable asshole who's probably gearing up to replace me in her affections.

  "It was nice," she says, stifling a yawn. "The producers put on a fancy spread at a venue right on Sydney Harbor. The fireworks were incredible. Julian said they were the best he's ever seen."

  "I'll bet." I can just imagine him being all wide-eyed and enthusiastic. What a prick. "So, kiss anyone interesting at midnight?" I'm trying to sound casual, even though I'm gripping my phone so tightly, the plastic case creaks.

  Angel laughs. "To be honest, I kissed a lot of people. There was a whole line of them. Men, women, waiters, dwarves, stilt walkers, a couple of Japanese tourists who wandered in by mistake. After the first dozen, I stopped counting. But don't worry, sweetie, there was strictly no tongue. I'm saving that for you."

  I lean back against the wall and breathe. "You're trying to make my head explode with jealousy, aren't you?"

  "Is it working?"

  I let out a weak laugh. Normally, I enjoy her teasing, but right now I'm incapable of thinking about her kissing people without conjuring up an image of her and Julian. I've watched them go at it on set enough to know what their lip-locks look like. Julian kisses her like he never wants to stop, and even though I understand how the sweet heaven of Angel's mouth is responsible for that, he still has no right to feel that way about my woman.

  "So what are you doing today?" I ask. "Taking it easy, I hope." If she tells me she's seeing Julian, there's no way I'm not losing my shit. I mean, how would she feel if I spent all my free time with a likable, attractive woman?

  My phone vibrates, and when I check the screen, there's a text from Lissa. "HURRY UP, BITCH! Get your ass here NOW."

  Okay, so, a likable, attractive woman other than Elissa.

  "Actually," she says, "I have a cool day planned. The director's brother is taking me out for a cruise around the harbor on his yacht.

  Okay, director's brother. Probably an old dude. Nothing to worry about. "That sounds sweet. Is it just going to be the two of you?"

  "No, there are a few of us going."

  A blood vessel behind my left eye starts to throb. "Oh, yeah? Like who?"

  "Oh, you know," she says with a laugh. "The usual suspects."

  I turn around and press my forehead into the wall. I know she doesn't mean to torture me, but being vague isn't fucking helping. "Right, so Megan, Kasey, Mark ... Julian?"

  My heart sinks when she says, "Yeah, I think so." But then she says, "Oh, wait, not Julian. He had a press thing to do."

  I'm not sure, but I'm pretty certain I hear a whole fuckton of angels singing, "Hallelujah."

  "Aw, shame. Oh, well, you guys will have a great time anyway, right?"

  "I doubt it." She lets out a dramatic sigh. "I'll spend most of my time alone, pining for a man who should be whispering sweet nothings to my clitoris but instead is selfishly elsewhere."

  Something seizes in my chest, and it's painful as hell. "Just for the record, that person is me, right? Because if someone else is whispering to your clitoris, we're going to have words."

  She laughs like it's not a totally valid question. "Yes, babe. I'm talking about you. Geez, you're so needy tonight." She hums, and I can picture her lying back, smiling as I trail kisses down her neck.

  "That's because I miss you. Tell me more about this fascinating man you're saving your tongue and clitoris for."

  Another hum. "He's incredible. Warm, hilarious, handsome as hell, and amazing in bed."

  "Wow, sounds like he's the whole package." Also sounds like she's describing Julian. Not that I know what he's like in bed, but my dented ego assumes he'd be a fucking genius.

  "He really is, and I adore him."

  Keep breathing, Josh. She's talking about you.

  I try to calm my hammering pulse.

  As great as it is being so in love with this woman I can't see straight, I know damn well that loving something precious goes hand-in-hand with the irrational fear of losing it. That's the wellspring for my jealousy. Up until now, my experiences with women have been fleeting and unimportant. Primitive urges mildly satisfied. But loving Angel is like being a caveman who's finally discovered fire, and I can't stand the thought of going back to living in the dark.

  I hear movement, and when she speaks again, it's softer. "I hate waking up and realizing you're not there. Sometimes I'll turn around to tell you something and have half the sentence out before I realize I'm speaking to an empty apartment. Can we not be apart any more please? It vexes me."

  I smile when I hear the pout in her voice. "Well, there's nothing more tragic than a vexed Angel." Damn, I want to hold her. Kiss her. Make long, passionate love to her. I want it more than I've ever wanted anything. Even that full-size Klingon warrior when I was twelve.

  I pace to release some energy. "I promise I'll make it up to you when I see you."

  "And if I can't wait that long?"

  "I'll Skype-sex you when I get home tonight."

  "Sold." She sighs again. "Okay, you'd better go. Elissa will tear you a new butthole if you don't get in there soon."

  "Yeah, I suppose."

  "Take heaps of pictures, okay? I want to see what everyone is wearing. And get some pics of you as sexy James Tiberius Kirk. I'm going to print those and keep them in my spank bank for when we're apart."

  Just thinking about her masturbating to images of me makes my costume get super uncomfortable in certain areas. I open my mouth to correct her about what I'm wearing but then stop. I don't know why. Maybe because she'd suspect I'm wearing this thing to boost my self-esteem like a needy little bitch.

  "I love you, Josh."

  Chest pain. Lots of goddamn fucking chest pain.

  "I love you, too, beautiful. Can't wait until you're home. I'll call you later."

  After hanging up, I walk over to the coat check station. Tonight's shindig is in The Starlight Suites, which is a collection of super swanky function rooms that take up the whole top floor of the Braxton Building. As I slip off my overcoat, the girl behind the counter hands me a ticket.

  "You got somewhere to keep that ticket in your costume, sir?" Her tone makes me look up, and I find her giving me an appreciative onceover.

  Okay. Never got that reaction when I was Kirk.

  "Sure," I say. "Right in my jockstrap along with my dignity. Thanks."

  There was a time when I'd try to charm the pants off this girl within minutes. Now, she barely registers. Being in love is doing weird things to me in many ways. I guess not all of them are bad.

  As I head through the double doors, I see Elissa wasn't exaggerating when she said Marco's New Year's Eve parties were epic. The huge ballroom is teeming with people. Buffet and drink tables are set up around the room, and waiters in black ties make sure everyone's glasses remain full. As I glance around, I see the who's who of the Broadway set, including a three-time Tony-Award-Winning actor dressed as Pikachu.

  Dude. And I thought my costume took balls.

  People have gone all out with their costumes. One girl is in full Avatar mode, not wearing much more than top-to-toe blue body paint. She's laughing and flirting with a guy who's rocking a retro Saturday Night Fever vibe, white disco suit and all.

  Yeah, that's a nightmare cleaning bill waiting to happen.

  I nab a tall glass of beer from a passing waiter as I scan the crowd for Elissa. Not knowing who she's dressed as puts me at a disadvantage. It's like trying to find Waldo when he's not wearing his favorite striped T-shirt and hat.

  "Well, happy New Year to me," a voice says from behind me. I turn to see a pretty blonde girl staring at me. She's not wearing a costume, just tight jeans with a T-shirt that reads, I
don't need a costume. People want to be me.

  She's assessing me over the top of her champagne flute, and her glassy expression tells me it's not her first drink of the night. "And what's your name, handsome? Or are you protecting your identity from the super villains?"

  I give her a smile. "No, they all have the night off."

  She leans in and puts a hand on my chest. "I'm Zoe. Stevens. Perhaps you've heard of me. Most people have."

  "Yeah, I know you, Zoe. We met a few months ago at Cassie and Ethan's wedding."

  She pulls back, confused. "I don't think so."

  "Yes, you talked to me for half an hour about how Ethan used to have a huge crush on you in drama school and now that he and Cassie were married you wanted to keep your distance, so he didn't try to relive the past."

  She shakes her head. "Yeah, I remember the conversation, but I had it with a geeky guy with glasses. Not..." She looks down at my body, " ... you." She gives me a wink like she's joking, but I'm finding it hard to get a read on this chick. "So, how do you know Ethan?"

  "His sister is my best friend."

  She frowns. "Oh, you're gay?"

  "No."

  "So, you and Elissa are both straight but don't fuck? That's weird."

  "We're friends. She'd dating Liam Quinn. You know, the movie star?"

  She gives me a condescending smile. "Sure, that's what the papers are saying, but I can't see it myself."

  "They were together at the wedding."

  She laughs. "Yeah, right. If Liam Quinn was at that wedding, I would have been the first person to know about it. Some people have Gaydar. I have Stardar. I can sniff out a famous person at thirty paces."

  "Uh huh. So you would have seen that Angel Bell was at the wedding, too."

  She thinks for a second. "Oh, yeah. She was dancing with her boyfriend. Some bookish, curly-headed dude."

  "Yeah, that was also me."

  She stares at me for a full three seconds before bursting into laughter. "Oh, right. Of course it was. And then you ran off into a phone booth and changed into this." She giggles and takes another sip of champagne before fixing me with a deadpan expression. "But seriously, all jokes aside, are you single or not? Because we could totally have some fun together. Do you have anyone to kiss at midnight?"