Deserve

by C. C. Snow

  I let my hand slide into his lap. Cupping his fast-hardening cock, I murmur into his mouth, “Since I kicked you, I should really kiss it and make it better.”

  “Damn straight, woman,” he growls.

  I tighten my grip and roll his balls gently in my palm. Dropping my gaze to my hand, I watch in fascination as his cock presses urgently against the placket of his cargo pants. I swallow, remembering how thick and hot he felt in my mouth and how he shook uncontrollably when he came. Suddenly, I can’t wait to experience it all over again and I tell him so.

  The heat in his eyes conflagrates into a wildfire. With a shouted, “Fuck yeah!” Sean drags me into our room.

  And he demonstrates that his “family jewels” have suffered no lasting damage. Twice.

  I’m so wiped out from the workout—both at the gym and in the bedroom—that I doze off. The buzzing of my phone wakes me and I realize Sean’s not in bed anymore. As I read the new message, I smile in relief.

  Body still humming pleasantly, I get out of bed to look for him to tell him the good news. I pad softly downstairs and hear his voice come from the small office at the back of the apartment.

  Halting in the doorway, I see Sean standing with his back to the door, gazing out the window. He looks agitated, his big hand rubbing the back of his neck.

  I open my mouth to announce myself when I realize he’s on the phone. Before I can retreat quietly, I hear him say my name. Instinctively, I still. A small inner voice points out that the last time I eavesdropped, I heard things I didn’t like, but my feet remain stubbornly glued to the floor.

  “So when do you plan on telling her about your transfer?”

  My forehead wrinkles in confusion. Who was he talking to?

  “I still think you should tell your sister you’re moving to New York before you show up for Christmas and never leave.”

  Cael?

  Questions start cascading like blocks of dominoes.

  Why was Cael moving to New York? Was it because of me? What was going to happen to his life in Chicago? How long had Sean been keeping this a secret from me?

  “Cael, stop thanking me or I’m going to kick your ass. Keeping tabs on Maggie for the last few months hasn’t been a problem. You don’t owe me any favors. I already told you that when you called in July.”

  All the air siphons out of my lungs and it isn’t until my vision starts to swim that I realize I’m holding my breath. I force myself to take short, shallow breaths.

  I’m a fucking obligation to him?

  I start to respire heavily, pain and icy rage coursing through my veins. I must have made a noise because Sean spins around and I recognize the oh-shit expression on his face. “Uh…I’ve got to go, Cael.”

  I wait until he hangs up before I ask slowly, enunciating every word, “Is it true?” Telling myself not to pass judgment yet, I leash my anger.

  “What?” He looks at me warily.

  Gritting my teeth, I bite out each word, “Don’t play dumb with me, Sean Rowan. Did my brother ask you to babysit me like I’m a three-year-old child who can’t wipe her own ass?” The reins of my control slip and I slap my hand on the doorjamb angrily.

  He blows out a heavy breath and doesn’t say a word, making me die a little inside.

  I already know the answer, but I demand, “Answer me! Did he tell you to keep an eye on me?”

  “It wasn’t like that! He asked me to pick you up from the airport and make sure you got settled into the city.”

  Mistrust ripples through me and I glare at him, daring him to tell me the truth. “Keeping tabs?”

  “He asked me to check up on you every now and then,” he admits reluctantly, his lips tightening.

  “And how often do you report back to Cael, Sean? Every week? Every day?” I ask, my voice deceptively soft. I’m not angry with Cael, who is his normally overprotective self, but I feel utterly betrayed by Sean.

  All the doubts start to tingle and come to life, zinging from my heart to my brain in a vicious loop.

  I don’t know what I mean to him. A friend? An assignment? A favor? A convenient lay? Because I sure as hell don’t feel like his girlfriend at present.

  All this time, I had been fooling myself. Keeping our relationship a secret from Cael is just an easy out. If Sean really wanted something serious with me, he wouldn’t be hiding me. He wouldn’t keep so many secrets from me. The picture of him and Alicia at his father’s luncheon flashes across my mind and my upper lip curls with self-contempt. Other than Tyler, I have never met anyone of importance in Sean’s life. He doesn’t discuss his work with me. No, Sean’s made it crystal clear he doesn’t want our lives to mesh.

  Hold the pain at bay, Maggie. Don’t break down now.

  “I’m not a goddamn spy!” he says sharply, eyes flaring with ire. And guilt.

  “How often?” I raise my voice to match his.

  Jaw clenching, he jerks his gaze away from me to stare at the white wall.

  “Often enough, I see,” I say mockingly. “And what about fucking me? Was that to keep tabs on me, too?” I ask, deliberating being crude.

  His eyes snap back to my face. Face dark with fury, he takes two big strides toward me and manacles my upper arms. “Maggie, you’re blowing this out of proportion. Yes, Cael asked me to watch out for you, but after that first week, it wasn’t about helping him anymore. I loved spending time with you. The important thing is what we have now. Don’t fucking belittle it.”

  I emit a terse, bitter laugh and shrug my shoulders as if my heart were not bleeding. “What do we have, Sean? Sex? You can get what we have by picking up a stranger at any bar on a Friday night.”

  His fingers dig into my flesh until it’s painful, but it is nothing compared to what I feel on the inside—raw and lacerated. He shakes me once, hard. “Goddamn it. It’s not just sex. You’re my girlfriend.”

  I brush his hands away and step back. I look at him, wondering if I ever knew him. Probably not. “I’m not your girlfriend. I’m a convenient fuck buddy.”

  “Why are you saying this?” he asks. I see genuine bewilderment and incomprehension in his eyes.

  “Because it’s true. We may have great sex, but that’s it. I don’t know your friends. You don’t know mine. You shut me out at every turn,” I say, fighting to keep my voice steady, to keep from breaking apart.

  “That’s not true!”

  “Tell me why you won’t go see James.”

  His mouth tightens and the tic appears in his cheek.

  “Tell me why you don’t get along with your father.”

  Silence.

  I nod and twist my mouth scornfully. “You just proved my point. What we have doesn’t even qualify as friendship.”

  He vibrates with barely contained fury and slams his fist onto the table hard enough to make everything on it rattle. Glaring at me, he demands, “Why is it so fucking important for you to dig into every detail of my life? Why can’t what we have be enough for you?”

  “What we have is nothing but a secret fling,” I say in a flat voice.

  “Keeping it a secret was your idea!” The tic is pulsing in his cheek now. “You’re the one who didn’t want to tell Cael.”

  “And you agreed,” I add quietly, holding his gaze.

  He takes a step toward me, his eyes piercing and imploring at the same time. “Is that what bothers you, Maggie? Not telling your brother? We’ll call Cael and tell him about us now.”

  “Tell my brother what, Sean? That we’re fucking each other?”

  “Stop saying that! We’ll tell him we’re in a relationship and that I…”

  I wait with bated breath for the magic words.

  His Adam’s apple bobs. “I care about you.”

  I struggle to not let the devastation show on my face. The last tether to hope breaks and floats away. I stare at him, finally seeing the last few months clearly. No rose-tinted classes. No wishful thinking. I thought my love could change him, but that only happens in fairytales. Th
ere is no magic kiss from a prince. No glass slipper. No Happily Ever After.

  This is real life.

  And real life hurts. Real life is a father abandoning his family. Real life is a mother who dies far too young. Real life is Sean not loving me.

  My anatomy studies tell me a heart can’t feel pain—that the sensation is in my brain, but right now it feels like a giant fist is squeezing that organ so hard it can’t beat.

  You’re asking for too much, too soon, I tell myself.

  Then my mom’s soft voice sounds in my ears.

  One day, when you find the right person, make sure he’s strong, baby. Strong on the inside. Strong enough to deserve your love. Strong enough to love you more than anything else in the world. Don’t settle for second best. You deserve everything.

  I take in a deep breath and stiffen my spine.

  For months after I found out that my father left us, I was scared to do anything to make my mother or brother not want me. If I asked for ice cream, would they decide I was too greedy? If I complained that my shoes pinched my toes, would they think I was too whiny? If I did anything wrong, would they leave me? So I tried to be cheerful and upbeat all the time. Surely, they wouldn’t leave me if I didn’t complain. Eventually, I realized they were never going to abandon me, but the experience had left a permanent mark on me.

  I had always questioned my self-worth, but no more. It is time to stop shortchanging myself. I deserve better.

  “There’s no need because I can’t do this anymore,” I say softly.

  Every muscle in his body seems to freeze. “What does that mean?”

  I hang onto my composure with white-knuckled determination. “I love you Sean. I’ve loved you for years but I can’t be with someone who can’t love me.”

  He looks shocked by my revelation. “The guy who wasn’t interested?”

  My lips bow with dark humor. “Yeah, it was you.” I lose my smile and blink back my tears. “I guess you’re still not interested.”

  “I am!” He scrubs his face with both hands roughly and gazes at me with a look of helplessness and despair. “I’m giving you everything I can. And Maggie…” He takes a step closer to me. “I do care about you.”

  The last of my anger drains away, leaving me sad and hollow. That was never in doubt, but I want something he can’t give me. “Yes, I know. And you did warn me from the beginning. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I thought it would be enough, but it’s not. Mom once told me I should find someone who loves me more than anything in the world and she was right. I deserve to find someone who loves me.”

  “If I could love anyone, it would be you.” His voice is low and gritty.

  I wish those words were enough, but they aren’t. A month ago, they would have sent my heart soaring to the heavens, but now I remember my own worth and I can’t be with someone who values his secrets more than he values me. I’m a selfish brat after all, I think wryly.

  “I can’t settle for less, Sean.” He looks defeated and a part of me pities the lost look in his eyes. “I want everything. I deserve everything.”

  “You’re asking for the impossible. I can’t.” The shadows in his eyes grow like an inkblot until his eyes look almost black.

  “You can,” I say gently. “You have a lot of love in you, but maybe I’m just not the right woman to bring that out in you.” I start to say I hope he finds love someday, but I can’t make my mouth shape the words to wish him happiness with another woman.

  I take a shaky breath and consider my next steps. “I think I should move back to the dorms.” I know if I stay, my resolve will weaken.

  “Maggie, no! You’re still in danger,” he protests, his face tight with worry.

  “Leslie texted me just now. They have Calvin in custody. I’ll be fine.”

  “You don’t know if he’s your attacker.” He stands stiffly, hands curled into fists at his side.

  My hero. Always trying to protect me. I smile sadly. It would be so much easier if I could hate him. “It’s very likely him, but until I get a confirmation, I’ll make sure I don’t walk alone.” I walk up to him and rise on my toes to kiss his jaw, letting my lips linger a beat too long. I take in one more deep inhale of his scent. “Take care, Sean. Thank you for everything.” Dangerously close to falling apart, I start to turn away.

  “Don’t leave me, angel.” He snatches my hand and squeezes hard. “I need you.”

  I steel myself against the torment in his voice. “I can’t stay, Sean.” I close my eyes, a tear leaking from the corner of my eye. The pressure around my heart intensifies until that organ shatters into microscopic particles. I bite my lip to prevent my sob from escaping and swipe away the salty drop with the tip of my fingers.

  “I’m going to get my things. If you can please stay in here until I’m gone…” Tugging my hand out of his grasp, I leave without looking back.

  I call a cab and throw my things into my suitcase. The ride back to my dorm passes in a hazy blur. All my focus is on keeping the pain contained until I reach my room.

  As soon as I close my door, my defenses collapse. I stuff my fist into my mouth and bite hard on my knuckles as tears pour down my face. The sounds coming out of my mouth are so raw, I sound like a mortally wounded animal. I curl into a tight ball on my bed and bawl into my pillow, letting my grief overtake me.

  I cry for that abandoned little girl looking for validation and love. I hug her tightly to me, letting her know she is worthy of my love and worthy of my tears.

  I grieve for the optimistic woman who believed in Happily Ever After. For my pulverized heart that will never heal. For the end of my dreams.

  I whisper my mom’s words to give me strength.

  “You deserve everything.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Sean

  I tail her cab and watch her walk back into her dorm. And out of my life.

  I feel utterly numb on the inside. What I had dreaded since the beginning had finally come to pass. I had finally lost her. I had kept my damn secrets, but had lost her anyway.

  Boom. Time was up, asshole.

  I drive aimlessly around the city for hours, avoiding my empty apartment, but am forced to return when I realize I’m so exhausted I almost run a red light.

  As soon as I walk into the bedroom, a waft of cinnamon hits my nostrils and I retreat hastily, but no matter where I go in the apartment, her essence haunts me.

  Slowly the numbness wears away and rage creeps in, flooding every cell. I let it overtake me, preferring mindless fury to the desperation waiting at the edges of my mind. With a feral roar, I kick over the coffee table, noting with satisfaction when the glass top shatters. The armchair crashes on its side and I rip into the upholstery with my fingers. I strike out with my arms and legs at everything within reach, celebrating each new sign of destruction. When I’m done wrecking the living room, I move on to the kitchen. On the peripherals of my mind, I note with surprise that my hands are bleeding, but the pain is inconsequential.

  When the film of red haze clears from my eyes, I’m standing in the middle of my apartment, sweat dripping down my face, hands slick with blood, surrounded by the evidence of my rampage: upended sofa, dining table with two broken legs, shattered chairs, cabinet doors torn off their hinges, a dented wall where I must have smashed something against it, and broken ceramic and glass all over the kitchen floor.

  But it’s nothing compared to the ravaged landscape inside me. There’s nothing there but dark demons and grasping shadows.

  The cuts on my hand start to sting and I stare in surprise at the seeping slashes on my knuckles and palms. Carefully walking through the vestiges of my furniture, I go into the bathroom, take out the first aid kit and bandage my hands. But even this practical act reminds me of the first night she stayed with me when she held her scraped hands trustingly out to me.

  “My angel.” I hunch over the sink, not recognizing the hollow-eyed man in the mirror.

  I should find someone who l
oves me more than anything in the world... I deserve to find someone who loves me.

  She’s right. She deserves someone who can love her.

  I massage my chest, futilely trying to ease the clawing pain.

  ***

  I step out of my building, bleary-eyed from lack of sleep, and jolt to a stop at the sight of Cael leaning against the entrance. Even shrouded in a thick overcoat, I easily recognize the wide shoulders and muscular build of my best friend.

  “Cael, what are you doing here?” My mind feels too sluggish to make its normal connections.

  He jerks his head up, green eyes flashing with wrath. In a blur of movement, he grabs the collar of my coat and slams me against the closest wall. The back of my head hits the hard surface with a whap.

  “WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?” I yell in his face, the impact driving the last wisps of fog from my brain.

  His giant fist smashes into my jaw before I even finish my sentence and my mouth fills with blood. Jesus. Fucking Mack truck.

  I shove him away and wipe the trickle of blood from the corner of my mouth. Using my tongue, I test to see if any teeth are loose. “What the fuck!” I massage my jaw. I wouldn’t be surprised if the brute dislocated it.

  His chest is heaving and his fists are at the ready. A vein throbs erratically at his temple. I’ve never seen Cael so enraged.

  “Why the FUCK didn’t you tell me my sister was almost raped?”

  I close my eyes and lean my head against the wall. “Oh fuck!”

  “Yeah. Oh fuck! You’re supposedly my fucking best friend and you didn’t tell me my little sister was in danger? How could you fucking keep that from me? I had to find out from a goddamn news alert,” he snarls, fury underlining every word.

  I wince. I should have known he would see the article published yesterday about Hannah Michael’s miraculous recovery. The reporter had recounted the attack and played up Maggie’s role in the rescue, hailing her as a heroine.

  Lighting fast, he jabs his knuckles into my nose and blood gushes out of my left nostril. He pulls his fist back to punch me again and I don’t bother to defend myself. Arm suspended, he demands, “Why, Sean?”