Mail Order Menace

by Kirsten Osbourne

  Cliff frowned at her. “But you don’t know? And you were going to marry him?”

  “I don’t inspect the way a man rides a horse before I decide if he’s allowed to court me. What kind of woman would I be if I did that? What’s wrong with you?”

  “Hey, hold on! You’re the one that doesn’t know anything about the man she was supposed to marry.” He shook his head. “Maybe you should get to know a man before agreeing to go before a preacher!”

  She sighed. “I came here as a mail order bride. I should probably go back home, but…well, I don’t want to. I want to prove to myself and everyone else in the world that I can make it on my own.”

  Cliff looked at her skeptically. “Are you sure you can? I mean, you’re awfully pretty, but running a boarding house and cooking for a bunch of strangers isn’t for the faint of heart. And how safe is it for you to be around men you’ve never met?”

  “I have a lock on my bedroom door, and I plan to use it.”

  He sighed. “And you really think that would keep a man from hurting you if he were intent on doing so?” He shook his head. “I think maybe you should pick out one of those unattached men you saw at church, or you should get right back on the next train and go back to wherever you came from. Where did you come from?”

  “Massachusetts, and I’m not going back. My sister has been running a successful business for more than ten years. If she can do it, then I can do it.” Elizabeth had never been a part of the demon horde though. The kids had gotten progressively worse after her. Not that he knew anything about the demon horde, and she wasn’t about to tell him.

  He wiped his mouth and dropped his napkin onto his plate. “We’ll see.” He stood up, noticing that her backyard was overgrown. “Might be time to buy yourself a lawn mower and get that lawn trimmed up. With you living in town and running a business from your home, you want it to always be in tip top condition.”

  She peered out the window at the backyard. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

  He shook his head, watching as his friend stood. “We’re going to go and find a place to run our business. Maybe you should concentrate on yours. Or go back East where you belong.”

  She refused to listen to him and finished her lunch after they’d left. She was going to need to figure out the lawn mowing situation, but there had to be a boy in town she could hire. Didn’t there?

  *****

  Ernestine worked all day on the house. She was making curtains for each room, trying to get them to match the décor Bert had picked out. She was hanging curtains in the front parlor when she heard an odd noise. It sounded suspiciously like a goat…but there was no reason for a goat to be near her home, was there? They were in town, after all. Granted, it was a small town, but goats shouldn’t live among the people, should they?

  She finished hanging the curtains and went to investigate. Sure enough, there in the middle of her backyard was a goat. He was tied to a stake in the middle of the yard and was happily munching on her grass. Next to him was Cliff, looking as if he was proud of his solution to her problem.

  “I don’t believe I ordered a goat, Mr. Solomon.” She put her hands on her hips and glared at him. “What will I feed him?”

  “He seems perfectly content to eat your grass, Miss Miller.”

  “He does now! What will he eat in the winter? I presume there will be snow on the ground come winter!” Ernie shook her head. Did the man have no brains whatsoever?

  He shrugged. “I guess you could keep Roscoe in the livery come winter.”

  “Roscoe? You not only brought me a goat, but you’ve named it Roscoe? What are you thinking, Mr. Solomon?”

  “I’m solving a problem for you, Miss Miller. Now say thank you prettily, and I’ll be on my way.”

  She continued to glare at him. How could he think he was helping her solve a problem when he’d added to her troubles? She wasn’t sure she could take care of herself, and he expected her to take on a goat? What did she know about raising goats?

  “Fine. You may be ungrateful. See if I bring you any other gifts.” He tipped his hat to her and walked away, mumbling under his breath about persnickety women.

  Ernie stared after him for a moment, before turning her attention to the goat. “So your name is Roscoe, is it? Do you need more than grass to eat? How about some water?” She got a pail and pumped water into it, taking it out and setting it on the grass in front of the goat. “Don’t knock it over, now.”

  She finished hanging the curtains and made more bread for supper. She could see that the men were going to eat more than she’d planned, but that was all right by her. She had her first paying guests, after all. In another week or two, she could write home and tell them what had happened. For now, she was waiting. She didn’t want her parents to worry and think they needed to drag her back to Massachusetts.

  Supper was ready a few minutes early, so she went out back to check on Roscoe, finding that he’d knocked over his bucket of water. “Well, don’t blame me if you get thirsty when you knock your water over. Now I understand the expression ‘stubborn as a goat.’ You are the most stubborn creature I have ever met.” Even with all the animals that had been on her farm growing up, goats were foreign to her.

  She stepped back inside, seeing that Cliff was watching her with the goat. “Excuse me,” she said, not even meeting his eyes. She didn’t want to acknowledge that she’d been talking to the critter. “Supper’s ready. Wash up.”

  He sighed. “Are you always going to order me around as if I’m a nine-year- old boy, and you’re my mother?”

  “Are you always going to need it?” she countered, dishing them each up a bowl of stew. She set their stew on the table, along with a fresh loaf of bread and a bit of butter. She’d made cake for dessert as well, even though she’d had no intention of doing so earlier. The man had brought her a goat, after all.

  Once everyone was seated, she suggested they say grace, something they’d managed to forgo at lunch time. The two men exchanged a glance, but Cliff shrugged, bowed his head, and prayed for them. They weren’t quite as ravenous as they’d been for lunch, but both of them thanked her profusely, complimenting her on the meal.

  “I never knew a woman could make stew taste like nectar of the gods,” Cliff said. “Just don’t ever serve us goat.”

  Ernie’s eyes widened, and she glanced out the window at Roscoe. “I could never!”

  He laughed. “I was just kidding you!”

  “Well, don’t kid that way. When I was growing up, my father wouldn’t let us name the animals, because as soon as they had a name, they were part of the family. We once painted a cow purple, but we’d already named her. He grumbled a lot, but he knew he could never butcher her.”

  Cliff shook his head. “He should have butchered her anyway to keep you kids from naming the cows…and from painting them purple. Why purple?”

  Ernie shrugged. “We had purple paint for one of my sister’s bedrooms, I think. So we used what we had on hand.”

  “Sounds like you and your siblings were a handful.”

  “You don’t know the half of it.” It was all she could do not to go into some of the stories of the demon horde. She may be trying to live down the reputation she’d gotten from her past shenanigans now, but she’d certainly had fun gaining that reputation to begin with. Some of the things they’d done had been almost legendary.

  “Oh really? What else did you do?”

  She shrugged. “I’m not going to go into all of it. Let’s just say we weren’t exactly well-behaved.” It had been the people in her church that had started calling them the demon horde. At first, they’d all laughed about it, but as they’d all grown up and wanted to move on, it had been oppressive. No boy would court her. They were all worried there was something wrong with her and her siblings, to act as they had.

  He watched her over his water glass as he took a big drink. “No one is perfect. I was a bit of a troublemaker myself.”

  “Oh?” she asked. She knew
he hadn’t pulled the kind of pranks she had. Some of the things they’d done were downright criminal!

  He nodded. Why he felt the need to prove himself to her, he’d never know, but he did. “I once tied a teacher into the outhouse at school.”

  “Did you tip it over?”

  He shook his head. “No, we didn’t.” He looked at her for a moment with a skeptical look on his face. “Did you do that?”

  “Not really. It was my idea, but my brothers were the ones who actually did it.”

  “It never occurred to me to actually knock over the outhouse. Very creative. Did you ever put snakes in your teacher’s desk?”

  “Oh sure. That’s one of the first things we did. Snakes, frogs, anything we could catch. We did a rat once, and the teacher never came back to school. She refused to finish out the semester.” Ernie shook her head. “She was pretty weak.”

  “Obviously.” Cliff studied her with new respect. “Sounds like you were quite the troublemaker.”

  She shrugged. “My siblings and I tended to play off of each other. One of us would get an idea, and it would go from there. My sister Charlie was the worst. I miss her.”

  “Charlie? You have a sister named Charlie?”

  “Short for Charlotte. They call me Ernie. Short for Ernestine. Most of us go by shortened names. Just not the two oldest.”

  “What are their names?’ Cliff wasn’t sure why he was asking so many questions, but she really fascinated him. He wanted to know what made her tick.

  “Susan and Elizabeth. You’d think we’d call them Susie and Beth, but nope. Well, we called Elizabeth Lizardbreath a lot, but only when she wasn’t around to hear us! She was the matchmaker that sent me out here to marry Bert.”

  “Your sister is a matchmaker? That’s unusual, isn’t it?”

  Ernie nodded. “It is unusual. Our older sister Susan became a mail order bride, and Elizabeth met the matchmaker who sent her out. When that matchmaker went to Seattle to marry, Elizabeth took her place. She’s been a matchmaker for twelve years now. She’s married and has a baby, but she still works. She thinks of her job as a service to the community.”

  “Interesting. She sounds like someone I’d like to meet. Her husband doesn’t mind that she works?”

  “Not at all. In fact, he was her butler, and still serves in that capacity. He’s more of an investigator, though. He’s a former Pinkerton agent, and he checks out the men that women are sent to marry.”

  “Is everyone else still close to home?”

  Ernie shook her head. “Nope. Wally married and moved to Idaho, of all places. Charlie is here in Montana somewhere. I’m not sure how close we are to Mistletoe. Do you know it?”

  “No. I’ve never heard of Mistletoe. Is that a city?”

  She nodded. “Yes, it is, and it’s somewhere in Montana. I’d like to be able to see my sister. Maybe she could come and run the boarding house with me. Of course, she had a couple of men who were trying to court her, so she could be married by now for all I know.”

  Cliff ate the last bite of his supper. “Now I just need a big piece of cake. I hope you know what a wonderful cook you are, Miss Miller!”

  She smiled happily. “I happen to have made cake this afternoon. Just a moment.” She quickly served the cake, then returned to the table with a piece of her own. “I hope you like chocolate.”

  Cliff took a bite and sighed. “Who could ever complain about chocolate cake?” He watched the woman beside him as she tucked into her own cake, and he couldn’t help but wonder if he was going to be able to keep from falling in love with her.

  Chapter Three

  After shooing the men out of the kitchen, Ernie washed and dried the dishes. She could hear sounds coming from the parlor, and she wondered if she should join the men when she had finished. What was the proper etiquette? After considering for a moment, she decided she didn’t much care about etiquette, and she would join them. There was no reason for her to spend her life being lonely in a house full of people.

  When she’d put all the dishes away, she went into the parlor to find Jake strumming a guitar and Cliff leaning against a wall, watching his friend and listening silently. She was surprised to see the quiet man do something that would make him the center of attention. She hadn’t seen him interested in anyone looking at him at all since he’d arrived.

  She sat on one of the sofas, listening to the music. There was a piano, and she wished she could play, but her education had run more to farm chores and reading. Music wasn’t something her parents had considered important. Their life had been all about survival.

  When the song was over and the music slowly died, she applauded enthusiastically. “I hope you’ll play another, Mr. Diggory!” She could listen to him strum his guitar all night.

  Jake looked up, his face flushed. “I don’t usually play in front of people.”

  “What am I then?” Cliff asked.

  Jake shrugged at his friend. “You don’t count.”

  Ernie grinned at the byplay between friends. “Will you favor us with another?”

  Jake seemed to consider for a moment before he nodded. “Just one. We found a place for our saddle business, and we’ll be getting up bright and early to work in the morning.”

  “Oh, that’s wonderful. Won’t you need supplies?”

  “We brought some, and we’ll order the rest we need from the mercantile right away. I think this town is where we’re meant to be, don’t you, Jake?” Cliff asked.

  Jake nodded, his fingers starting to fly over the frets of the guitar while his other hand strummed. He said nothing, but his music was happy and upbeat.

  Ernie watched Jake, fascinated by the music, while Cliff watched Ernie, fascinated by her. There was just something about the bossy little thing that made him curious. He wanted to know her better, that was for sure. After the song was over, Jake took his guitar and said goodnight, nodding on his way out.

  Ernie stood to leave the parlor, certain that it would be improper for her to spend time alone with Cliff. “I should head to bed as well,” she said, avoiding his eyes. He was entirely too handsome now that he wasn’t annoying her. The man was tall with blond hair and blue eyes, and he had the biggest hands she’d ever seen in her life.

  “Still early. Talk to me for a minute.” He caught her arm, keeping her from leaving.

  She frowned. “What do you want to talk about? We barely know one another, Mr. Solomon.” She wanted to stay in the room alone with him, which really frightened here.

  “Call me Cliff. Mr. Solomon was my father.”

  “I’m not sure if that’s proper.”

  “We’re living under the same roof. I think we should be on a first name basis.” He walked to the sofa she’d just gotten up from, still holding onto her arm. He sat and pulled her down beside him.

  Ernie moved to the other end of the sofa, leaving a respectable distance between them. “So what did you want to talk about, Cliff?”

  He shrugged. “I just want to get to know my hostess a bit better. Tell me what it was like to grow up in Massachusetts?”

  She shrugged. “I only know what it was like for me. I was part of a big, boisterous farm family. My brothers and sisters and I enjoyed having free run of the farm and surrounding area in the summers. We went to school when there was a teacher.”

  “Country school? Or in town?” He wanted to know every little detail about her life. She was…something else. Miss Ernie Miller was such a contradiction. She seemed to be torn between trying to be prim and proper and acting like herself that he was having difficulties acting like a gentleman.

  “It was a country school.”

  “Why didn’t you always have teachers?” he asked. He’d never heard of a teacher shortage back East. It was in the West that it was hard to find and keep teachers.

  She shrugged, her face reddening a bit. “Some of them didn’t finish out their terms.”

  He frowned at her. “Why not? I didn’t think that was a problem back E
ast.”

  “It’s usually not. Our little school was different than most, though.”

  “In what way?”

  “At least half of the students were my brothers and sisters at any given time. We…well, we caused a problem or two.”

  His eyes widened. “Like the pranks you said you pulled on the teachers?”

  Ernie nodded. “Sometimes teachers are frightened away by reptiles in their desks and crickets in their lunch pails. I’d have been determined to stay and win, but not those teachers.”

  “How many of those things did you personally do.”

  “Not many at all.” She and Charlie had been the brains behind the pranks, but their brothers had usually been the ones carrying them out. “I was the one who got into their lunch pails and took one bite out of their apples every single day.”

  “You sound like my kind of girl.”

  “Men and women all over my home town have been avoiding me since I was a little girl. Can I tell you a secret?” she asked, leaning close.

  He leaned toward her. “I would dearly love to hear any secret you have to tell.” She was so small, but he knew she was formidable. What had made her who she was?

  “The townspeople back home called us the demon horde. I thought it was really funny until I was of marriageable age, and no man would even talk to me.”

  “Is that why you decided to be a mail order bride?”

  She nodded. “Yes, it is. My younger brothers and sisters are carrying on the family’s traditions now.”

  “And you approve?”

  “I can’t say that, but I don’t disapprove. I think children should have fun. I just can’t be part of it at my age. It’s time for me to act like a lady.”

  “How old are you?” he asked, fascinated by her reasoning. Cliff had never met anyone remotely like the girl beside him.

  “I’m twenty-two.” Ernie knew that a lot of people would consider her an old maid at her age, but she’d already explained to him why she hadn’t married yet.

  “That’s plenty old enough to be married.” He shook his head. “How sad are you about your fiancé dying?”