Of Snow and Roses

by T. M. Franklin

  Doctor Alberich gave her a stern look. “We don’t use the word crazy, Neve. So no, you’re not.” He leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest. “Can you describe this woman?”

  “She—she was about the same height as me. Actually－” It suddenly hit her why the woman seemed familiar. “She looked like me,” Neve breathed. “She had dark hair, dark eyes, but otherwise, she looked exactly like me. I can’t believe I didn’t realize－” Neve stared unseeingly out the window, picturing the woman in her mind, before turning back to him. “Why would she look like me, doctor?”

  He removed his glasses, polishing them with a cloth he pulled from his trouser pocket. “I’m afraid this is all part of your condition, Neve,” he said. “These delusions are not uncommon, and you have experienced them before.”

  “I have?”

  The doctor replaced his glasses. “We may need to adjust your medication. But the important thing is for you to recognize what’s happening.”

  Neve huffed out a wry laugh. “As if I have any idea what’s happening.”

  Doctor Alberich gave her a sympathetic smile. “We can do many things to help you—with medication, with therapy—but you must make the choice to turn your back on these delusions. It’s up to you to release them. Cut the ties.”

  Neve felt an odd mix of fear and hope. “How do I do that?” she asked, almost desperate. She wanted to be better. She wanted her memory back.

  She wanted to be normal.

  “If it happens again,” he said, “don’t listen. Turn your back. Ignore it. Cover your ears and close your eyes if you must.”

  “Like a little kid?” she asked skeptically, pressing her palms to her ears. “La la la, I’m not listening to you?”

  “I know it sounds ridiculous, but it works,” he replied. “The first step is for you to take control of your delusions. That is how they will lose their power. Will yourself to be in control. To leave them behind. And we’ll do our part to help.

  Neve hoped that would be enough. “All right,” she said.

  At that moment, Angelica walked into the room with her little paper cup and glass of water.

  “Ah, yes, this should help,” Doctor Alberich said, taking the cup and handing it to Neve. “A slightly higher dosage should help you better combat the delusions.”

  Neve took the cup, and swallowed the pill with a gulp of water. It was strange that Angelica had turned up at that moment, wasn’t it? How did she even know that Doctor Alberich wanted the medication? Had he said something Neve had missed?

  She shook off the confusion as a wave of calm trickled through her. It was probably standard procedure. They dealt with this all the time, right? And many times with Neve herself. She kept forgetting that they knew her better than she knew herself.

  “Perhaps you should go to your room and rest,” the doctor said, helping her to her feet. “Angelica will make sure you get there all right. You can join group tomorrow. I think you’ve been through enough for now.”

  The calm thickened, making her steps slow, her mouth clumsy. But that was all right. She nodded as Angelica took her elbow, leading her from the room. Rest sounded nice. She was rather tired, after all.

  When she got back to her room, she slipped off her shoes and got on top of the covers, snuggling up to her pillow. Angelica left the room without saying a word, and Neve turned over to gaze out the window. A nap, then lunch. They’d help her. She’d be fine.

  She’d be absolutely fine.

  It was mid-afternoon before Neve woke from her nap, feeling groggy and a bit disoriented as she sat up in bed. It took a moment for her to realize that a number of patients were outside, some playing board games or reading . . . others walking the perimeter of the yard. Neve hadn’t even thought about venturing outdoors, but the sight of the clear sky and grass called to her and she quickly slipped on her shoes and went out into the hall, looking for the exit.

  The french doors in the common room stood open and she walked outside, turning her face up to the sun with a smile. Inhaling the fresh air deeply, she felt almost normal, could almost forget she was in a hospital.

  Almost.

  A red gravel pathway wound alongside the building and around the large lawn, the lights she’d noticed the night before perched atop narrow posts at periodic intervals. She meandered along the path, watching a game of badminton in the center of the lawn. Again, she felt eyes on her, and glanced over her shoulder to find Torbin watching her from where he stood leaning against a tree at the edge of the forest. For once, Tala wasn’t with him, and he stood motionless, tall and broad, his thick arms crossed over his chest.

  “Don’t trust him.”

  The warning from her vision—delusion—came to mind and she looked quickly away, ignoring the prickling along the back of her neck. She was sure if she looked back, he’d still be watching, but she didn’t dare check.

  Why did he seem to hate her so much?

  Lily bounced up at that moment, her pink hair flopping from one side of her head to the other. She’d pulled up the legs of her sweats so her knobby knees showed, her pale legs as freckled as the rest of her.

  “Feeling better?” she asked.

  “Yeah,” Neve replied. “Thanks.”

  “You missed lunch, so I grabbed you this.” Lily pulled an apple from the pocket of her sweatshirt and tossed it to Neve as she fell into step beside her.

  “Thanks,” she said again, before taking a bite. “How was group?”

  Lily shrugged. “Same as always. People talking about how depressed they are. Or how scared they are. Or how angry they are. Whatever.”

  “Which are you?” Neve asked, purposely not looking in Torbin’s direction as they rounded the far end of the lawn and headed toward the forest.

  “Me?” Lily laughed. “Oh, I’m none of the above. Just your average, run of the mill sociopath.” She shot Neve a grin that was all teeth.

  Neve snorted. “Calum said you bite.”

  “Only when people annoy me.”

  “Are you particularly annoyed right now?” The forest loomed, dark and thick before them, the crackle of the gravel louder than the laughter of the badminton game.

  “Not particularly,” Lily admitted. “Though I have to say it could change at any moment.”

  They were about to turn the corner and Neve would no longer be able to avoid looking in Torbin’s direction. She held her breath and finally looked up . . . but he was no longer standing by the tree. She scanned the area quickly but didn’t see him anywhere.

  “Is this where you saw it?” Lily asked.

  “Hmm? Saw what?”

  “The bear,” she replied, coming to a stop as she peered into the trees.

  “Oh, that.” Neve felt ridiculous about bringing up the bear. Most likely, it wasn’t even real. Another weird delusion created by her off-balanced mind. “I think I probably imagined that.”

  “Did you mention it to Doctor Alberich?”

  They continued down the path and Neve stared straight ahead as they finally did pass the spot where she saw—where she thought she’d seen－the bear. Maybe she should tell the doctor about it, but honestly, she didn’t want more medication. It made her feel sleepy and loopy and－

  No, she’d forget about the bear. It was another delusion, and what had the doctor said about them? Ignore them. Turn your back. Cover your eyes and ears if you have to.

  That, Neve could do.

  “Nah, it’s no big deal,” she finally told Lily. “I think I was probably dreaming anyway.”

  Lily looked at her in surprise for a moment, then shrugged. “I’d probably stay out of the forest anyway. It’s creepy. Who knows what’s out there.”

  Neve finally gave into temptation and looked into the shadowy wood. “Do they even let us out there?”

  Lily rolled her eyes. “It’s not prison.” Then, the strangest thing happened. Lily’s brow creased; her lips turned down in confusion. “Is it?” she asked.

  “What?”

>   Lily seemed to snap out of it and shook her head. “What?”

  “You asked if－” At that moment a whistle blew, drawing their attention.

  “Time to head in,” Lily said, grabbing Neve’s sleeve to pull her toward the building. “Craft Day. I love Craft Day!” She gave an excited little jump, and it was as if her moment of confusion had never happened.

  Weird.

  Well, it was a mental hospital, after all. And Lily was a patient. It would be weird if she wasn’t a little weird once in a while, right?

  “Oh, cool. Watercolors!” Lily squealed, and she dragged Neve to sit next to her, promising to share her brushes.

  It was relatively pleasant, all things considered. Neve painted a still life of a drooping rose in a blue vase, then had dinner with Lily, who gave her the lowdown on all the other patients.

  “－once ran naked through the building and Calum had to tackle him－”

  “－and whatever you do, don’t ask her about her mother－”

  “－afraid of oranges, if you can believe that!”

  She didn’t mention Torbin or Tala, and Neve didn’t ask. She hadn’t seen them at craft time, or at dinner, and although she’d slept for hours after her little incident, she found she was exhausted by the time lights out rolled around. Neve took her meds and fell asleep, thankfully not tormented by delusions or dreams.

  She was beginning to welcome the darkness.

  Neve woke early, showered and dressed, and made her way to the common room for breakfast. Lily was sitting at her usual table, but looked different somehow. Her pink hair was tangled, she sat hunched over, and instead of inhaling her food, she simply stared at it. Neve got her own tray and sat down across from her. Torbin was staring—again—and although she didn’t look directly at him, she could see his white-knuckled fist, his tense muscles, the tic in his jaw.

  Then she noticed the bandage on the inside of Lily’s elbow, another on the back of her hand.

  “What happened?” she asked.

  Lily didn’t respond.

  “Lily? Are you okay?”

  Nothing.

  Neve glanced around the room, looking for Calum or Angelica, but the only staff in the room at that moment, was the cook. What was wrong with Lily? She reached toward her.

  “I wouldn’t do that.”

  Neve jerked her hand back. She didn’t recognize the warm, low voice, then realized it had been Tala who’d spoken.

  “What’s wrong with her?” Neve asked.

  Tala simply shrugged. Torbin bared his teeth as if in pain, and she hissed something at him that Neve couldn’t make out. He finally broke eye contact, his shoulders falling.

  What was going on?

  “Lily?” she whispered, ducking down to try and meet her eyes. “Lily, what’s the matter?”

  Instead of speaking, Lily began to rock slowly back and forth, then she lifted a hand and started to scratch at her wrist, lightly at first, then harder and harder, making white lines in the skin.

  “Lily?” Neve thought she should find help. One of the nurses or Doctor Alberich. Lily began to scratch harder, and a small bead of blood rose in the wake of her ragged fingernail.

  “Lily, don’t. You’ll hurt yourself.” Neve grabbed her hand, intending to stop the scratching, but as soon as she touched Lily’s skin, the girl let out a bloodcurdling scream and dove across the table at her.

  “Lily. Stop!” Neve tried to hold her back, but Lily snapped her teeth at her, scratching and clawing toward her, continuing that unearthly scream. Her eyes were dark with madness, unfocused and crazed and she yanked Neve’s hair, tilting her head back . . . baring her neck.

  Then, she was gone. Neve blinked from the floor and realized that Torbin had crossed the room and pulled the girl off her. Lily continued to scream and thrash, wild-eyed, and Calum and Angelica finally ran into the room, the latter bearing a large syringe. She plunged it into Lily’s arm, and the screaming finally subsided, although it seemed like the echo carried on far too long in Neve’s ears. Lily crumpled to the floor and Torbin stepped back so Calum and Angelica could put her on a gurney and roll her out of the room.

  It had all happened so fast. Neve sat on the floor, stunned, as Doctor Alberich spoke quietly with Calum in the hall before coming into the common room.

  “Are you all right?” he asked her.

  She realized she was still sitting on the floor and got up. Her scalp ached from the hair-pulling, but other than that, she was uninjured. “Yes,” she replied. “What about Lily? What happened to her?”

  The doctor frowned. “I’m afraid I’m not able to discuss another patient with you,” he replied. “But rest assured that Lily will be getting the care she needs.” At that, he turned on his heel and strode out of the room.

  Neve watched him go, a sick feeling in her stomach. Poor Lily. She’d seemed fine the day before. They’d had fun. They’d talked.

  What had happened?

  She turned to look for Tala. The woman seemed to at least have some idea. And Torbin－Torbin had pulled her off Neve so quickly, as if he’d seen the attack coming.

  But neither was in the room, and when Neve went to the french doors to see if they’d gone outside, she found them locked.

  It’s not a prison. Is it?

  Lily’s words sent a shiver down her spine, and Neve wasn’t sure why. She didn’t know what was real and what was delusion. Was she paranoid, or could there be a real threat at the Blackbriar Institute?

  And if there was a threat, what was it?

  Don’t trust him.

  Or maybe the question was: who was it?

  Lily wasn’t at breakfast the next day. Neve sought out Doctor Alberich who only told her that Lily was in treatment isolation and could have no visitors. He wouldn’t tell her anything more, or even how long she would be there. Lily would return when she was ready, he said, and Neve would have to be patient.

  Something else Neve was learning about herself? She wasn’t very patient.

  She ate a bowl of cereal, went for a walk around the grounds, and nervously entered the common room when it was time for her first group therapy session. Seven patients sat in a circle with Doctor Alberich. Neve recognized a few: the young girl she’d noticed on her first day, Peter, an older man with a gray mustache who Lily told her had run naked through the building, and Torbin and Tala, who sat to Doctor Alberich’s right.

  “Come on in, Neve.” The doctor waved her to an empty chair next to the girl, who gave her a shy smile.

  “Everyone, you remember Neve,” he said, smiling at the group. “Unfortunately, she doesn’t remember you, so let’s take a moment for everyone to introduce themselves, shall we?”

  The young girl was Alice, who turned out to be seventeen, not twelve, as Neve had thought. Next to her was an older woman named Nancy who crocheted while she talked. Then came Peter, followed by a thin woman with long, dark hair and trembling fingers named Melissa, and a short, squishy man named Adam.

  Tala tossed her thick braid over her shoulder and crossed her legs. “I’m Tala,” she said, not knowing Neve was already privy to that fact. “And this is Torbin.”

  The big man didn’t look her way, but Neve saw his jaw clench.

  And suddenly, it was all too much. Before she knew what she was doing, Neve bit out, “And does Torbin have some kind of problem with me?”

  She swallowed. Had she really said that out loud?

  Tala’s eyes narrowed, any semblance of friendliness evaporating. “What makes you say that?”

  Neve licked her lips, bravado slipping. “He seems kind of . . . angry.”

  “Well, he can’t tell people when they do stupid things,” Tala said through gritted teeth, “like touching a sociopath. So perhaps that gets a bit frustrating.”

  “All right, that’s enough.” Doctor Alberich intervened, holding up a hand. “Neve, I’m sure Torbin has no reason to be angry with you. Do you, Torbin?” He turned toward the large man, whose whole face seemed to tight
en－Neve could swear she heard his teeth grinding－before he jerked his head slowly from side to side, then looked to the floor.

  “Of course not,” the doctor said, and was that a bit of a smirk on his face? But then it was gone, and Neve thought she must have imagined it. “Neve, I’m certain we all want you to feel welcome here, right group?”

  Everyone nodded silently, except for the girl, Alice, who said, “Yes,” in a quiet voice.

  “Excellent.” Doctor Alberich opened his notebook, pen poised over an open page. “Who would like to begin?”

  Neve listened as Nancy talked about her anxiety, crochet hook flying over blue-green yarn. She snuck a glance at Torbin, who was still focused on the floor so she could study him a bit without him noticing. She was once again struck by how big he was－at least six-four, she guessed, with bulging muscle everywhere. His T-shirt clung to his chest, the hoodie unzipped over it, and for the first time she noticed the pendant he wore around his neck. She couldn’t really make out the design from where she was, but it was metal－pewter perhaps, or worn silver, oval in shape and maybe two inches long. A hand wrapped around it and she realized he’d caught her staring. His eyes narrowed as he tucked the pendant inside his shirt and crossed his beefy arms over his chest.

  Her face flooded with heat and she should have looked away－wanted to look away－but she didn’t.

  Couldn’t.

  Don’t trust him. Had her delusion been her subconscious warning her away from this man, who obviously had an axe to grind when it came to Neve, despite what anyone else said? A reflex of self-protection since her memories had abandoned her?

  “Neve, would you like to share?” Doctor Alberich asked, finally tearing her attention away from where Torbin glowered across the circle.

  She really had no desire to share, but what was it that Lily had said? Give him what he wants?

  Of course, Lily had then tried to tear her throat out, so perhaps any advice should be taken with a grain of salt.

  Still, Neve did want to get better, and if this was part of her recovery, she’d do it. If there was any hope of regaining her memories, or simply preventing losing them all again, she would take it.