Being Celeste

by Tshetsana Senau

  “Celeste!” she said, about to jump up and down like a toddler on a sugar high.

  It was refreshing to here my name, Celeste. It has less baggage, unlike Seipati. At least with Celeste, I don’t feel like such a failure, or that I have not accomplished anything. It’s a name I’m making a mark with, for myself, not with someone who has set an example for me to follow. My parents kept calling me Seipati the rest of the weekend after we had returned from the village. Need I remind them that I’m Celeste? It took them a while before it rubbed off. I guess they were still living in the moment, seeing as everyone in the village called me Seipati the whole time. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate my given name, I just don’t feel like I’ve lived up to its previous owner, and sometimes it depresses me that I’m a nobody in the middle of nowhere. My great aunt was said to be outgoing and popular everywhere she went or with everyone she met. I’ve been going to my mother’s church for years now and I just got friends, at twenty one. Then there’s the boyfriend thing.

  “So, how was the shop, not too stressful for you, I hope?” I asked, waltzing in like a farmer checking on their livestock.

  “Oh Celeste, I missed you so much.”

  I’m still baffled as to why Kate missed me so much. I have a feeling something amazing happened and she wants to tell me all about it. Maybe she has a boyfriend, or potential boyfriend. Or maybe, the makeover people have called her with good news and she qualified to get made over. The second one sounds good. I knew she would like my sneakiness and appreciate it. I rushed over and hugged her, and told her that I missed her too. And I did miss her. I told her all about the ritual and my family, and how Cousin Frank almost fell in the fire at night because he was so sleepy, waiting for the meat to cook. It was probably one of the warnings from the ancestors, trying to give us a sign about the family that’s slowly separating. I then told Kate all about my morning at the gym. Trevor is no longer my personal trainer and I get to work out alone. Now it’s really boring and it’s become rather chore-like, working out alone. So I begged her, Kate, to come and be my workout buddy. But she refused. She insists that she’s too skinny to workout. I don’t know if she’s rubbing the slim body she has in my face, or she’s just trying to annoy me with her shitty excuse. I even tried to bribe her with a free lunch all week, and she still passed on my offer. I can never win with her once she’s made up her mind and she’s got a lame excuse to back up her decision. That evening I was going to join the Tae-bo class. It was going to be instructed by Steve, the other muscled up trainer. I told Trevor that aerobics was not for me, it was too safe and boring and I wanted to kick something. He didn’t mind letting me go over to Steve’s class. Now he’s going to be stuck with the unfit middle aged bunch. I wonder what to wear to Tae-bo. I’ve been wearing the same outfit to gym all week. A part of me says that I’m not there yet, the changing outfits every day stage. Preferably wearing those tight gym clothes that show all my toned muscles, not now I guess. Kate won’t even join Tae-bo with me. I give up.

  “Those girls you helped out the other day were here on Saturday, hoping for more of your expertise,” said Kate, rushing to her normal station.

  “Really?” I got a moment of satisfaction because I was feeling wanted, I was in demand. “How come?” I asked again.

  Kate was shuffling through pieces of paper, looking for something. “Um, they said they would like to come shopping for one of the girl’s birthday in a few weeks, and they were just wondering if you still worked here because they valued your opinion very much.” Kate found a piece of paper among the rest. “Here’s their number, to give them an idea of what time you’ll be available.”

  I laughed hysterically. “Why didn’t you just tell them to come along? When I’m available? I’m not a busy person Kate!”

  “Well, I just thought of us more professional if I created an illusion that you were too busy for them, you know it’s just business.”

  “Nice one,” I said, snatching the piece of paper off her hand. “Why don’t you call them and make an appointment?”

  Kate rolled her eyes at me. I really don’t like that habit of hers. “Geez, Celeste, I’m not a secretary.”

  Suddenly, Kate’s phone started ringing. She jumped up in surprise, because it never rang...maybe once or twice during the day, a message from the network company with the latest promotion, but never. I’m the only person who calls Kate. She looked at me and smiled, letting the phone ring a little longer.

  “I’ve missed my ringtone, you know,” she said, waving it in the air.

  I became impatient, from the squealing handheld device. “Oh answer it already, would you Kate!”

  “Hello?” she said, pressing her phone gently against her ear. She was using a voice I had never heard before, non harsh and sophisticated. When she answers my calls, it’s always as if I’m tiring her with them. But she calls me too and I don’t answer using snappy hellos.

  I walked to the men’s shoes and started tagging them accordingly. This was going to be a long phone call, I could see. Kate’s facial expression was one very engaged and interested with what the person on the other side was saying. She smiled occasionally, but she was constantly nodding and agreeing with the person who had called her. I have never heard so many yes’s conveyed in one minute. She hung up and looked at me with a fiery stare, almost about to maul my head off my body.

  “Kate,” I said softly. “Who was that? And why are you looking at me, good news?” then it hit me, it was the producers of the makeover show. It must have been them, I knew she would qualify.

  “That was a man from a makeover show, which is produced in the city,” she said, with a calm yet stern tone to her voice. She walked over and sat on a stool next to the shoe section. “He said that I have won a free makeover.”

  I was of course, hanging at the edge of my excitement, dying inside to reach the conclusion of her news. I don’t know why she was stalling with such good news. I rushed up to her and started screaming and jumping up and down. “Oh, yes! I knew it, I just knew it, Kate! You’re getting a free makeover, yes!” I screamed with delight and joy. However, Kate was just sitting there, like she was stuck to the stool, I took it as her way of expressing her excitement. She couldn’t believe her luck. I would wait for her thank you a little longer then.

  She looked at me, her stare so sharp it could pierce through my being. “So I told the nice man over the phone that I had no idea what he was talking about, and I had never entered myself into a makeover competition,” said Kate, turning her stare away from me, and looking rather disappointed.

  I of course felt like a knife had just struck through my heart, that dramatic. I hoped she was joking, who refuses a makeover? I would dive at the chance, except I’m not the one with a fashion emergency. Her spontaneity today made her wear all yellow, including the socks.

  “What? Kate I-”

  She cut me off. “Yes you! It was you, Celeste. Why did you enter me into a makeover competition? What’s wrong with my style?”

  What? She did not want me to answer that.

  “But you didn’t refuse it, right?” I asked, about to fall over from disappointment.

  “Of course not! When he told me I won- I never win anything.”

  “Phew! You had me there for a second.” I reached out to her and gave her a little shake. “Don’t scare me like that, and you scare me enough with your sunny outfits like the one today.” I passed on a slight giggle.

  “Please, don’t start! I’m just doing this because maybe it will be fun. But I don’t appreciate you going behind my back and doing things that involve me, without my knowledge. I like my clothes, and my hair.”

  “Oh, I apologise my Kate- my best friend in the whole wide world,” I said, leaning over to hug her. She never stayed mad at me after one of my hugs.

  “That’s okay!” she jumped up from her seat and whipped up a smile that exposed all of her teeth. “Because, I’m going to the big city!” she screamed. She began jumping up an
d down, replacing my frantic jumps.

  “You are, when?”

  “I don’t know yet. He said he’ll call me later to verify all the plans with me. I am going to the city, Celeste! I’ll be staying in a hotel, and living it up!”

  “And getting a makeover!” I said.

  We began jumping together, in unison. This was great news indeed.

  Kate will be leaving on Friday for her makeover. She’ll be gone all week next week. I’m going to be flying solo for a week. I wish I could go with her. The shop is going to be boring to run all alone. She is quite untouchable right now, almost bouncing to the ceiling and beyond with joy. She still hasn’t thanked me yet for going behind her back and entering her into the makeover. But I know she’ll appreciate me once she comes out looking like a million bucks. They are probably going to teach her how to wear makeup. I’ve always wanted to learn how to wear makeup, you know. Oh, so much is happening in so little time. I wonder if we are ever going to have girl’s night out. Last weekend I was absent one, and now Kate is going to the city. There must be something against us having a bit of time, out in the night. I can’t wait to see her out of her mono coloured ways.

  I almost got run over by a car, thinking about Kate. I was on the way to the gym for my tae-bo class. I hope Trevor doesn’t think I abandoned him. We have become good friends over the past week. He thinks of me the laziest form of human being he’s ever come across, and I think he is an arrogant muscled up piece of work. We have an understanding, me and him. But, this week, I’ll leave him and his butterfly imitating ways and head for some real exercise, for someone as vindictive as me. I thought that I had lost a kilogram, I don’t know, but I was so miserable when the scale just read the same numbers. I told the lady at the reception that their scale was broken, but she insisted it was fine. Then why did cousin Elda think I lost some weight if I’m still 85 kilograms? Then one of the other trainers, Steve, came rushing over to my aid, which I didn’t ask for. He confirmed that the scale was working fine, then he began to laugh. Steve is just...gorgeous, in his own way. Under normal circumstances if someone like Trevor came along and began poking fun at me, concerning my weight, I would be miffed. But all Steve has to do is flash one of his dimples and he’s forgiven. Although he’s not much taller then I am, I would totally be stalking him, if I were still into that business. But then again, the man is buff. I don’t think I like guys with big muscles, they are intimidating. Oh what a contrast, a ripped man dating a blob of fat, like me. Oh but still, those dimples. I know that I’m at a point in life where I’m supposed to cease all this madness of feeling sorry for myself all the time. But tell that to the image I have to endure, every time I see my reflection in the mirror. It’s hard not to go on with the days and shove the fact that I’m huge and I have no boyfriend at the back of my head, but I do it anyway. However, sometimes I have to face reality and just camp at a pity party I throw every now and then. I just can’t wait for the day to come, the day I look at myself and admire the bitch staring back at me.

  Oh, now I know why all pathetic losers are packed at Trevor’s aerobics class, because tae-bo is jam packed with good looking people, who are in shape I might add. All the girls are toned and all dolled up in fancy gym wear, showing off their tight six packs. I’ve never seen these people before, and I’m starting to miss the pudgy twosome. I walked into the tae-bo class which had a majority of women, obviously there to see Steve because like Kate, I don’t think they need the exercise. The men are just there to be around all the hot women attending the class, I should presume. Wait until they see the latest addition. I hope they don’t find me that appalling to attend Steve’s class. That would be horrible. I felt uncomfortable almost immediately and turned to leave the room. I couldn’t stand to be amongst perfect bodies, I was intimidated. I saw the whole lot of them stretching, and imagined myself, stuck in the middle of them, with my flabby arms trying to escape through the sleeves of my oversized t-shirt, which used to belong to my father. Steve called me back.

  “Where are you going, we are about to start?” he said, all dreamy and all. He was wearing black tracksuit pants and a muscle hugging shirt. I wanted to just grab onto an arm and stay there. I wasn’t even listening to what he was saying to me. “I hope you’re not leaving.”

  I cleared my throat, hoping that it was not me, having inappropriate thoughts about my tae-bo instructor. Because, it would be inappropriate! An excuse just shot out of my mouth. “No, I’m not leaving. I just wanted to find a spot at the back,” I replied, pointing to the direction.

  “Oh nonsense, Celeste, that is not going to happen. You are new to this class so it’s best if you come right to the front, next to me.” He smiled and flashed those dimples of his to me.

  I tried hard not to smile, because I saw with the sharp corner of my eye, a lady looking at me with her beady eyes, probably imagining all sorts of nasty things to happen to me. I guess she was telling me to get in line. “Yeah, oh- okay!” I said, walking to the front of the class towards him. I was actually saying yes to one of his arms, and not him. It has invited me to come and work out next to it, so I will oblige. I will do as it says. Steve turned the music on, and we began the kick and jab. I know what I was kicking: all the stresses in my life. And I know what Martha (that’s a name I made up for her) is kicking, me! She moved to a spot behind me, right behind me. I swear I felt a slight touch from her foot, almost taking down my head. I don’t know what her problem is. I don’t remember ever expressing any interest in taking Steve all to myself. Besides, why be jealous of me, it’s just...me: the ridiculous blob of fat.

  I don’t know what to think of tae-bo just yet. What I do know is, it’s very intimidating being in a class full of the fit and beautiful. I might go back home and work out with the pudgy twosome and the rest. But Steve is so friendly, and I’ve decided just to hang on because of him. I just hope Martha learns to accept me. I mean, why be spiteful, when you look like one of those models in the fashion magazines? Some people are just selfish and bitchy for no reason at all.

  Chapter 12

  I think the week went by so quickly. Maybe it’s because I was dreading the time Kate had to leave on the Friday, and I was left alone, in our life. Of course we’ve been in contact every few hours. She says she’s staying in a four star hotel, and she can eat anything she wants. She still forgot to say thank you, but I know that she’s grateful for the initiative I took. All this time, we’ve been talking about me. That’s also part of the reason why the week went by so fast. My life has been evolving around the gym and it’s all I think about. Last week, not only did I make a drastic adjustment to the kind of person I am, by joining tae-bo, despite all the intimidation I got from all the hot people in the class, I began seeing a lot of Taboka. I don’t know how it happened. One day, I think it was a Wednesday...okay, I know it was on a Wednesday, it’s a day I can hardly forget; in walked part of the soccer squad that morning for training. I thought I was going to fall over and die right there. They caught me off guard, and I had no time to hide or anything. I knew their schedule and I always try avoiding going to the gym at the same time as them. Part of mine and Kate’s healing process was to avoid all temptations from our previous stalking victims. As soon I saw Taboka, walking in through the doors of the gym, I was dumbfounded. I could not believe that I had been that stupid to stop hoping that one day, I would be married to him. He was so good-looking, even better than before. Of course I told Kate all about my feelings, almost like a confession to a priest. She ordered me to stay on track. But it was going to be hard. It’s like putting meat in an unbreakable glass box and giving it to a lion.

  So, on Thursday, there they were again. I took it as a sign. The previous day I had read on my horoscope that it would be a day filled with unexpected opportunities. There I was on the spinning machines, minding my own business and jamming out to my impeccable collection of music on my mp3 player, when the group of soccer studs came by to spin along with me. It was almost like fate. I
was right at the last spinning machine at the back, in the corner, when Taboka’s friend, Thabang, came to the spinning machine right next to mine. And of course, I guess they are inseparable like Kate and I, because Taboka came following behind him and used the machine that was next to him. I wished they could swap so that I could sit next to my one true love. My heart was racing off the charts, exploding with all kinds of excitement and anxiety.

  “Hey!” said Thabang, climbing onto the spinner.

  I really don’t know how to act cool and not embarrass myself at the same time, but I had to say something. The typical Celeste that was shy and introvert had to say something and not hide behind a lost voice. Tae-bo had taught me to be fierce and confident. It just didn’t teach me how to talk to really cool guys.

  “Yo!” I said, with a voluminous tone in my voice that I’d been keeping buried for ever, exploding out of me. But Yo, though? Who says that any more? I felt a surge of embarrassment and low self esteem cover up what ever confidence I had collected in the past two weeks, trying to find myself and all. I wanted to leave right there and then, or at least have the earth open and swallow me up for good.

  “I know you, right? The girl from the boutique the other time!” he said.

  It was weird that he remembered me, really weird. And he did not see right through me, the fact that I was panicking and feeling all low and shitty inside for saying Yo to him. In fact, at that moment, I began doing a mental victory dance to celebrate. But I had to remember not to get carried away because I was in the middle of a conversation. “Yes!” I don’t know why this came out of my mouth, but I said it anyway because that’s what you’re supposed to say, I guess. “Other time? I don’t think I remember you.” I gave him a glacial look with a hint of confusion. Again, it just came out. Almost like it was stored and waiting for the right moment to display itself. Now he was going to think of me as a loser for pretending like I did not know him, I don’t think I’m much of a great actress.