More than Words

by Harper Bliss

  “Because…” I should have canceled the appointment if I didn’t want to talk about this. “I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong with me, but ninety-nine percent of the population would disagree. Katherine included.”

  “Did you have a difference of opinion?” Jill genuinely doesn’t seem to know what I’m getting at.

  “You could call it that.”

  Silence from Jill now. It’s up to me.

  “We had… we had sex. Well, not really as far as she was concerned, I guess. I told you about this before. In the very beginning when I started coming here. I don’t seem to feel any need for sexual satisfaction. It just doesn’t interest me. It hasn’t for a while.”

  Jill nods. “Of course I remember, Hera.”

  “Which makes me rather unsuitable for a relationship. Unless I find myself a ‘pillow princess’, as Katherine referred to it.”

  “A what?” Jill asks.

  “A woman who, um, likes to receive but not give back.”

  “Right.” Jill nods. “Well, I’m sure those women exist. There are plenty of men out there like that so why should it be any different for us?” She sends me a tight smile, making me wonder about her own personal situation for a split second.

  “Maybe, but, honestly, I can’t be bothered going out looking for them. How would I even find them?”

  “Let’s go back to Katherine for a minute,” Jill says. “When you say you had sex, do you mean that some things happened between you?”

  I nod and swallow. The lump in my throat makes it difficult.

  “And you enjoyed being with her like that?”

  “Yes.”

  “And, up to a point, she enjoyed being with you?”

  I chuckle at Jill’s coyness—I’m in desperate need of a chuckle. “She most certainly looked as though she was enjoying it.” My chuckle turns into a wide smile at the memory. I take a few seconds to revel in it. In the memory of Katherine’s gorgeously voluptuous body, all of it ready for me. A surge of heat shoots through me, only to die with a sad whimper because of how swiftly it all ended.

  “And you didn’t think you could take things from there? See where it went?” Jill asks.

  “No, because that would be unfair. For starters, I’d be giving her false hope because I will never change.”

  “But can’t you see you’ve changed so much already?” Jill says.

  That gives me pause. I don’t feel like I’ve changed at all. I examine Jill’s face. Maybe it’s sad that my therapist knows me better than my own sister. I could never talk about any of this with Hilda. It’s just impossible. Just as impossible as me changing in certain ways. Or maybe I’ve become so entrenched in this idea I have of myself, that my mind can’t even envision the possibility of change.

  “You have, Hera. And I should know. I have notes to fall back on. You’re nothing like the woman who first came to see me and, these days, you’re also no longer the woman solely defined by the loss of her partner.”

  “That may very well be.” I did go back to work. I did, in my own way, sleep with Katherine. “But some things will never change.”

  “Not necessarily, Hera.”

  “You’ve lost me.” I look at her expectantly. I’m not that stubborn that I don’t want to change in a way that might give me another shot with Kat—I just have no clue how to go about manifesting said change.

  “Change is not a big bang. It’s a slow, incremental process. It’s you, showing up here every week for all these years, doing the work. It’s you, taking a chance on life again by remodeling Rocco and Katherine’s coffee shop. It’s you saying yes to renovating Katherine’s kitchen. It’s you going through the process while barely noticing it. You wouldn’t have gone out with Katherine six months ago. Maybe even two months ago, you wouldn’t have gone to the gallery opening with her, knowing I’d be there. Ever so slowly, you’re opening yourself up to more aspects of life again. You’re allowing yourself to blossom again.”

  “Maybe,” I say. “But—”

  “No, Hera, no buts. Surely, you must have felt this as well.”

  “Of course,” I admit. “Mainly because of Katherine, though. And now she’s gone.”

  “Which brings us to the million-dollar question: do you really want her out of your life?”

  “If you put it like that, then the answer is no. But, and I really do need this particular ‘but’.” I lock my gaze on Jill’s for a second before continuing. “She said so herself. Sexuality is very important to her and I don’t think she has it in her to accept me for who I am.”

  “How about a different kind of relationship, then? A platonic one, for instance?”

  “You mean that we should just be friends?” I shake my head. “I think that ship has sailed and, well…”

  “What?” Jill insists.

  “I’m very attracted to her.”

  Jill quirks up her eyebrows. “Hera, let me tell you something, seeing as that is what you pay me to do.” She throws in a smile. “Regardless of the reasons, you’ve been sexually dormant for a long time. Then you meet this woman who is literally sparkling with vitality and sexuality. I met her and I’ve seen it. It only took me a split second to come to that conclusion. Of course you’re attracted to her. And, lo and behold, she’s attracted to you as well. Allow yourself to enjoy that sensation. It’s so much rarer than you might think.”

  “But that’s just the thing. I can’t enjoy it.” The words come out almost automatically, but deep down I know they’re a lie.

  “I think you can.”

  I blow some air through my nostrils. “I thought this was meant to be a safe space. An hour per week where I can feel understood.”

  “It’s not my job to understand you, Hera. Nor am I being paid to coddle you. My task is to make you see that you are worth exactly the same as anyone else and that, for that reason, you’re entitled to happiness. For the record, I believe we’ve made excellent progress so far.” She uncrosses her legs and leans her elbows on her knees. “Let’s sum things up, shall we? You have the hots for Katherine. She has the hots for you. Tell me, what’s the worst that could happen if you gave it another shot?”

  “The worst has already happened.” My tone isn’t as insistent as before. I want to believe Jill with all my heart, but I can’t see how I can do that. It’s like I’m missing a step in between where my thought process is and where she wants it to go.

  “But you have the power to undo it.”

  “I don’t believe I have.”

  “You do if you want to.” Jill grins at me. “I know you’re as stubborn as they come, Hera, but you’re never going to convince me otherwise. I can try to make you see these things, and ideally, I’d take more time to do so, to allow you to draw your own conclusion, but I think you might be running out of time when it comes to Katherine.” Her grin softens. “If only you could sit in my seat and see what I see when I look at you. If I could have held up a mirror to you last Thursday to show you the grin on your face when you stood next to her. Don’t deny yourself that any longer in your life, Hera. You’ve done that long enough. Don’t let fear take that away from you.”

  “Fear?”

  Jill nods. “The sneakiest, most damaging, most paralyzing emotion there is. Responsible for all missed opportunities in the universe.” She narrows her eyes. “Can I challenge you?”

  I shrug. “You’re probably going to say that’s part of your job as well.”

  “I want to give you a homework assignment, but I want you to start on it right here and now.”

  “Okay.” I might as well go along with it.

  “Get your phone out.”

  I fish my phone out of my back pocket.

  “Start a new text message.”

  “To whom?”

  “To whom do you think?”

  “You want me to text Katherine?” The grip on my phone intensifies.

  Jill nods. “And I’ll tell you exactly what to write.”

  “No. Yo
u’re going too far.”

  “I know I am. This is not professional. I’ll admit that. But I also know that if I ask you to contact her after you leave here, you’re going to find a dozen excuses not to.”

  “You can’t force me.”

  “Of course I can’t force you, but I can tell you, as someone who knows you very well, that you won’t regret it. And if you text her now, she may text back before the hour is up. I can then help you with a possible reply.” Jill sits there beaming a smile at me.

  “But I need to think this through some more. We haven’t resolved the whole—”

  “This is not something you have to think through any more, Hera. This is something you need to do.” She sends me another smile. “The best way to beat fear has always been action.”

  I glance at my phone. I wanted to delete Katherine’s number last night, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

  Something inside me lights up at the prospect of contacting her. And having Jill guide me through the process makes it easier.

  “What should I write?”

  “Hi. I’ve been an ass. Can we talk?” Jill says. When I look at her she has a goofy smile plastered across her face. “Just kidding.”

  Even though this doesn’t really feel like the right time for a joke, I appreciate the lightening of the mood.

  “How about this,” Jill says. “I miss you. Can we talk?”

  My palms start sweating. “I miss you? That doesn’t really sound like something I would ever text to anyone.”

  “You never texted Sam that you missed her?”

  “She was always there. I never had a chance to miss her.”

  “Not even when you first got together? Before you lived together?”

  “That was decades ago.”

  “What would you write? Put it in your own words,” Jill says.

  I glance at my phone. At Katherine’s name in the ‘to’ field of the message. What would I say?

  “I should probably apologize.” I look at Jill.

  She nods. “That would be a good icebreaker.”

  “Okay.” My fingers tremble as I start typing.

  I’m sorry for all the things I said on Sunday. Can we talk?

  “Now press send,” Jill says.

  I do as I’m told. She was right. I wouldn’t have done this on my own at home—I wouldn’t have had the nerve.

  Jill glances at her watch. “You can wait here until she replies, if you like. You’re my last client of the night.”

  “If she replies,” I say. I put my phone on the table between us. I scan Jill’s face. I can’t help but think she’s getting something out of this as well. She has crossed the line between client and therapist, the line that she has insisted for years should always exist, twice this evening.

  Maybe it was seeing each other outside of this office. Maybe she has gotten truly invested in my future with Katherine, which is either still possible or eternally doomed.

  We’ll soon find out.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Kat

  When my phone lights up with a text, hope sparks in my chest. But it’s Wednesday evening and this is Hera’s time with Jill—which is surely a time when texting is not allowed.

  I’m apprehensive when I pick up my phone. It might be Alana, giving it one last try. Or worse, Caitlin—although I think she has well and truly received the message now. It could also be Rocco, checking in on me. I know Hera hasn’t been responding to his texts or calls and he’s worried she’ll start locking herself away in her house again.

  I look at the screen. It’s a message from Hera.

  I read it again and again. After my conversation with Caitlin, I had planned to contact her. To ask her to meet one last time, if only to not have things end on such a sour note between us. I hadn’t expected her to contact me. What should I do? Text back or just bite the bullet and call her?

  I decide to call her. Perhaps I can deduce something more from the tone of her voice than from these words on my phone screen.

  Who am I kidding? I just want to hear her voice. And she did say she was sorry—that’s most baffling of all.

  My heart beats in my throat as I call her. It rings three times before she picks up.

  “Hi,” she says, her voice much more assured than I had expected. “Thanks for calling.” Ah, no, there’s the tension.

  “Thanks for texting,” I say. “The answer is yes. We can talk. Whenever suits you.”

  “Erm.” There’s a pause and I hear some shuffling on the other end of the line. Or is that a muffled voice?

  “Are you not alone?” I ask. I strain my ear. Is that Rocco I hear? Did he get through to her after all? Gave her a talking to? It’s certainly his style with anyone else, but I can’t imagine him giving his aunt a stern lecture.

  “I’m with Jill,” Hera says.

  I only met Jill briefly, but I’d like to go over to her practice and give her a big hug.

  “Is it too late to come over tonight?” Hera asks.

  “No,” I blurt out. I don’t care that I have to get up early tomorrow. I need to see Hera. I probably wouldn’t sleep a wink if we set a date for tomorrow, anyway. “Please, come over. Or I can come to yours.”

  “I’m still out and about. I can be there in twenty minutes,” Hera says.

  “Okay. I’ll see you then.”

  “Okay,” Hera says and hangs up.

  Hera arrives seven minutes earlier than she estimated. I’ve been counting down. When I open the door I’m both nervous and almost beside myself with excitement.

  Even though she’s wearing a variation of the clothes she always wears, and they might as well be the same as the ones she wore when she was here last on Sunday, she comes across as completely different. She hasn’t come to break up with me again, to double confirm her sentiments about our relationship, which makes me relax a little. But still, the things she said to me can’t be un-said, and we have a lot to discuss.

  She waves off my offer of a beer because she has to drive, so I present her with a glass of water instead.

  I invite her to sit and force myself to sit next to her, even though my legs want to pace—at least until we’ve both said what we want to say.

  “I was surprised you texted me during your time with Jill.” I start things off.

  “It was a homework assignment she didn’t trust me to do at home.” Hera runs a hand through her hair.

  I chuckle. “Have I told you that I really like Jill?”

  “Look, Kat, hm… I’ve had some time to think and I’ve had this chat with Jill and, I guess, the conclusion is that, if it were up to me, I’d like for us to try again. I mean, I don’t suddenly have all the answers but I shouldn’t have walked out on you like that on Sunday.”

  “I understand why you did. I could have been kinder and more understanding.”

  Hera shakes her head. “I disagree. This isn’t about you being more understanding. And yes, when I came here on Sunday, a big part of me did arrive with the intention of breaking things off. But another part of me wanted to explain more about how I feel. About how I am. But I didn’t do that at all. Mainly because I didn’t know how, so I chose the easiest road and I just left.” She looks at me with a steady gaze. “So, thank you so much for agreeing to see me. It means a lot to me.”

  “I’ve had time to think as well and it’s really not all down to you.”

  “Well, at least we’re talking.” Hera’s grin is almost shy.

  “The past few days, I’ve been thinking that, increasingly, life is all about what we are able to communicate. And I don’t mean just in words.” I say.

  “I did a pretty bad job of communicating,” Hera says.

  “You have to take the circumstances into account. I probably shouldn’t have said that thing about a certain type of client I had.” I just want to take Hera in my arms, but I’m also reminded of what I said to Caitlin—about always wanting to fix her—which is not something I can repeat tonight.

&
nbsp; “I’m not going to lie,” Hera says. “Jill spurred me on to text you, and then you called, and now I’m here. But I don’t really know what to say.” There’s her pleading gaze on me again. “Where do we go from here? Is only the intention of being with each other going to be enough?”

  I inch a little closer to her. “Who knows what’s enough? All I know is that it’s a start.”

  Hera glances at my hands.

  “I should have talked to you before we ended up in bed. It’s not an excuse, but things did suddenly move very fast.”

  “Tell me about it. I was just driving you home and, out of nowhere, there was your hand on my knee.” I try a smile.

  Hera nods, as if she’s guilty of something. “I just—I find you irresistible and simply feeling that way about someone has caused some serious clashes with the identity I’ve made up for myself.”

  “And what would that identity be?” I scoot a little closer still.

  “I think you know.” Her lips don’t smile, but her eyes do. “Some kind of untouchable butch builder.” She snickers. “Maybe I should start tearing down my own walls.”

  I burst into a chuckle because it’s such an un-Hera-like thing to say. Maybe Jill put these words into her mouth. But it doesn’t matter where they came from. It’s the sentiment behind them that counts. Like Hera’s already taking the first swing of the hammer to that very sturdy wall around her heart.

  “Maybe I can help you with that,” I offer.

  “You might break a fingernail or two in the process.” Hera’s smile does curl up the corners of her mouth now.

  “You can’t make an omelet and all that,” I say, mirroring her smile.

  “I can’t make you any promises, Kat. I am still who I am—who I’ve become. And if we do decide to see each other again, I will need you to be patient.”

  “I’ve waited for someone like you for a very long time. Patience shouldn’t be that much of a problem.” I reach for her hand.