Hannah's Choice

by Jan Drexler

  “You are very confident, Josef Bender.”

  He smiled at her, squeezing her hand. “We belong together, Hannah Yoder, I’m sure. All I need to do is convince you.”

  28

  Monday morning brought Hannah awake as soon as she heard Daed leave the house to do chores. She smiled as she stretched in her bed. Josef was here and wouldn’t be going home. Every evening could end like the last two evenings, with pleasant conversation and a sweet kiss good night.

  She relished the camaraderie that blended one day into the next. When she had considered marriage to Adam, she had thought of enjoying his protection, cooking his meals, and taking care of his home. But she had never thought of spending long hours with him the way she spent with Josef the last two days. Her conversations with Adam always turned to his work with the escaped slaves or to the camp meetings, and they ended up quarreling.

  She and Josef hadn’t quarreled at all since he had arrived. But they hadn’t talked of her wish to stay along the Conestoga, either. How could he make her forget her greatest desire?

  Rising, she lit the lamp and washed her face. She dressed quickly in the chilly room.

  “Margli.” She shook her sister’s shoulder. “Margli, it’s time to get up.”

  Hannah combed her hair while Margli stretched and yawned. “It can’t be. It’s still dark outside.”

  “That’s because it’s winter. Mamm needs the eggs for breakfast, so get up and get dressed. I’m going down to help in the kitchen.”

  She paused long enough to make sure Margli was getting up and then stepped into the hall, right into Josef.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.”

  “It is dark. I didn’t see you either.”

  Light filtering up the stairs from the kitchen showed Josef’s silhouette against the white-washed walls. He had grasped her arms to steady her when she bumped into him and didn’t release her, but pulled her closer. Was he going to kiss her? Did she want him to? He held her another moment, and then he took a step back, dropping his arms.

  “I could get used to running into you in the passage.”

  “Isn’t seeing me at meals enough?”

  Hannah’s eyes had adjusted to the dim light of the hallway, and she could see his eyes, dark and serious. “Ne, Hannah. It isn’t nearly enough.”

  She smiled at him and went down the stairs to the kitchen.

  At breakfast, Daed planned the day’s work with Jacob and Josef.

  “The wagon bed is nearly done, and I’d like to finish that today. But the horses need to be taken to the farrier.”

  Josef had finished eating and leaned on his forearms, sipping his tea. “You don’t shoe them yourself?”

  “I’ve never needed to learn. Hiram Studebaker, down the road toward Lancaster, is a fine farrier. I have a small forge, but I’ve never done my own horseshoeing.” Daed looked at Josef. “Do you know how?”

  “I know how to do it, but I haven’t for a long time. I learned from my neighbor in Rheinland-Pfalz. Daniel’s brother was a farrier, so he didn’t need me to shoe his horses. I’m afraid I’ve forgotten a lot.”

  “But when we’re in Indiana,” Jacob said, finishing his eggs, “who knows how far we might need to travel to the nearest farrier? And how much he would charge?”

  Daed smiled. “It sounds like you’ll need to brush up on your skills, Josef, and we’ll need to find an anvil and other equipment.” He drained his cup. “Meanwhile, why don’t you take the horses to Hiram this morning and talk to him about what you need. He could make some of the tools for you.”

  “That’s a fine idea, except I have no money to buy the tools.”

  “Don’t worry about the money. I’ll pay for the tools in exchange for your services, ja? We’ll need you to make repairs on the journey, and it will be a good business to start once we get to Indiana.”

  Hannah rose from the table to start clearing the table. Daed had everything planned out, and Josef was going right along with him. She glanced at Josef as she took his plate. His smile was contagious. If she wasn’t careful, she’d be getting excited about the trip west too.

  She took the dishes to the dry sink and pulled the pot of warm water from the fire. On a morning like this, moving west to new opportunities didn’t seem like such a bad idea. If Josef was a farrier, then he would earn the cash he would need to start farming, or even barter his services for help on the farm. The future held bright promises with this new development.

  She turned back to the table to get more dishes, and Liesbet’s empty place caught her eye. How could they leave while Liesbet remained separated from the family? How could Daed look forward to this journey, knowing he was leaving Liesbet behind?

  After breakfast, Josef went to the barn to look at the horses Christian wanted him to take to the farrier. They were draft horses, of a kind Josef had never seen in Rheinland-Pfalz. The farmers called them Conestogas, and they had been bred to pull the wagons that shared their name. Josef talked to each one in turn, getting to know the giant animals.

  Christian stopped by the stalls as Josef checked the last horse.

  “Well? What do you think?”

  “You’re right. I’ll take them to the farrier’s before dinner, if that’s all right with you.”

  “Ja, ja, ja. The sooner started, the sooner finished.” Christian patted him on the back and turned to go back to his wagon building. “You should take Hannah with you. She would enjoy the outing, and she can show you where the Studebakers’ farm is.”

  Josef grinned at him. He had already thought to ask her.

  He found her in the house, carding wool. She combed the fleece over and over, until a soft roll was ready for spinning.

  “Your vater thought you might like to go with me to the farrier’s.”

  She gave him a smile as she finished a roll of fleece. “I’d like that. We can stop by the Hertzlers’ on the way home. I have some blue wool to trade with Johanna.”

  “What color does she have?” Josef helped her put the carding boards away.

  “She made a beautiful green this summer. A different shade than I’ve ever seen.”

  Hannah went to the weaving room to tell Annalise where she was going, Josef watching every step. He had thought she was a pretty girl the first time he met her, but every day he enjoyed her beauty more and more. He would have to ask her to set the date for the wedding soon. But he had to be sure of her, to be sure she would agree to marrying him.

  Christian had the horses ready. Four of the Conestoga horses stood tied to the fence outside the barn. The powerful animals followed quietly behind Josef and Hannah as he led them down the lane to the road.

  “The Studebakers live on the next farm past the Hertzlers. It isn’t far.”

  “You’ll be warm enough for the walk?”

  Hannah turned to him, her face rosy from the chilly air, but smiling. “I’m warm enough. It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?”

  Josef looked up at the blue sky showing between the bare, black branches rimmed with frost. The air was clear and cold. “It is a beautiful morning. We’ve had much snow this winter, but when it is packed on the roads, traveling is much easier.”

  “As long as it’s cold enough to keep the roads frozen.”

  “Ja. Mud is not good for travel.”

  The conversation fell away. Josef searched his mind for something worthwhile to talk about. Something more important than the weather.

  “If all goes well, we’ll be leaving for Indiana in a month.”

  “Only a month?” Her voice was so quiet, he almost didn’t hear her.

  “Or even three weeks. It’s important to get to Indiana in time to plant a crop.” He glanced at her, but she had turned her face away. “I’m taking seeds for a garden. I have beans, squash, and corn. Are there any others I should be taking?”

  “Greens are easy to grow. If you plant turnips, then you can eat the greens and then have the turnips for winter.” Her words didn’t match her qu
iet, detached voice.

  Josef stopped in the road and waited until she looked at him. “What is wrong? Ever since I brought up the trip west, you have acted like you don’t want to be with me.”

  She smiled, but it wasn’t a natural smile. “I’m happy for you. The plans you’re making for your home in Indiana sound wonderful.”

  “Those plans don’t mean anything without you.” She turned away from him and he caught her arm. “Hannah, I mean what I say. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t go with us, with your family. Don’t you want your family to be together?”

  “It isn’t that simple.” She turned back to him, took a step closer. He could put his arm around her if he dared. “Liesbet won’t be going, so our family will be broken apart, either way.”

  “Why isn’t Liesbet going?” Josef hadn’t seen her since arriving Saturday evening, but since no one had said anything, he assumed she had been visiting friends.

  “She . . . she’s married. She will be staying here, and we’ll never see her again.” Hannah shook her head and stepped away from him. “I can’t believe Daed will go and leave her behind. I keep waiting for him to change his mind, and then we won’t move.” Her voice dropped, muffled in her shawl as she buried her chin in its folds. “We won’t have to leave home.”

  “Liesbet is married? She is so young.” Josef remembered how sullen she was when he had first met her.

  “She is. It wasn’t the best . . . so don’t you see? Perhaps we won’t be going after all.”

  “Your vater hasn’t stopped preparing. He’s finishing the new wagon, ja? Nothing has been said to make me think he is having second thoughts.” The horses pulled at their lead ropes, anxious to move on, but he ignored them. “If Liesbet has a new life with her new husband, they will come with us or they will stay, but it’s up to them to make that decision. You need to come with us, Hannah. There would be nothing for you here if you didn’t.”

  She didn’t answer. He pulled her closer and lifted her chin so she had to look at him. “I am liking you more every time I see you. I dream of making a home with you, and making you happy. You will come, ja?”

  Her eyes filled, but she didn’t turn away. “My heart is torn.”

  “We belong together. You know we do. We would never disagree on how to live, or how to raise our children, or what church to belong to.”

  “You mean that Adam and I would.”

  He nodded. “You and Adam Metzler are friends, but you aren’t the same. I see him look at you, but the woman he wants to marry isn’t you. It’s the Hannah he carries in his head. The one who would be different from what you are now.” He rubbed his thumb along her cheek. His words made the tears in her eyes overflow. “I would marry you, just the way you are.”

  She didn’t speak for a long time. He gathered her in and held her close to his chest, leaning his head on her bonnet. When she spoke, it was a whisper. “It would be so easy to marry you.”

  He pushed her back to look into her face. “Then you will? Are you saying yes?”

  “I don’t know what to do. Just when I think I see a clear path to the future, something happens to make the way muddy again. I don’t want to marry because it’s convenient.”

  “Convenient? What do you mean?”

  “I don’t want to marry someone who seems to fit too easily into my life and I into his. To marry someone because I’ve always known him, or because we both like to eat pie, or because we have something else in common.”

  “What is wrong with agreeing with your husband on things like that?”

  “It isn’t enough. I want to marry for love.”

  “Love? Love doesn’t just happen. Love grows, ja?” She didn’t answer. “You and I, we have many things we both like. Many goals that are the same. Our love will grow from those things.”

  Hannah wiped her hands across her cheeks. “How can we be sure that it will grow? What if it doesn’t, and we end up not even liking each other?”

  He pulled her close again and hugged her. “That’s where we trust God. He is the one who will make our love grow.”

  Hannah thought about Josef’s words all the way to the Studebakers’ farm. To be close to him, to be held in his arms, set her heart to racing. She wasn’t sure that was love. Perhaps Josef was right. Love needed time to grow.

  Hiram Studebaker was the best farrier in the area, and Daed had used his services as long as Hannah could remember, even though he was a Dunkard. Josef made arrangements to come back for the horses later in the day, and then they left. Hannah wanted to visit Johanna and return home before dinnertime. She hated to leave Mamm with only the little ones for help for too long.

  As they reached the road again, Hannah turned toward the Hertzlers’ farm, but Josef stopped her.

  “What is that in the road?” He pointed down the road in the opposite direction of home, where it made a bend before going on toward Lancaster. A bundle was on one side, as if a pile of blankets had fallen from someone’s wagon.

  The bundle moved, and then lay still again.

  Josef started down the road. “Something is wrong. You wait here until I see what it is.”

  She followed a few steps but waited as he had asked. Was it someone hurt? Or was it a trap—some ruffian waiting to rob a passerby?

  Josef reached the bundle, turning it over. “Hannah, hurry!” His voice was urgent, carrying over the distance. “It’s Adam Metzler.”

  Hannah ran to where Josef knelt on the frozen ground, cradling Adam’s head in his lap. “He’s unconscious. You stay with him while I get help.”

  She froze, staring at the bloody cuts and bruises covering Adam’s face. She dropped to her knees and took his head onto her own lap. He didn’t wince or cry out . . . he lay in her arms as if he was dead.

  “I will stay with him. But hurry! Go to the Studebakers’ to borrow a wagon and team. We must take him to his parents.”

  Hiram Studebaker brought his team and wagon and helped lift Adam into the bed. Hannah rode, holding him, while Josef knelt on Adam’s other side, trying to keep his body from shifting too much in the jolting wagon. The ride to the Metzlers’ farm seemed endless.

  Adam’s daed came running out of the barn as they drove in. With one look into the wagon, he called for the rest of the family.

  “We must get him inside. Ma will look after him.” Even as he took control of the situation, Samuel Metzler’s face was twisted with worry. He turned to Hannah. “You must come in too. He will want you with him.”

  She turned to Josef. His clothes were as bloody as hers—Adam’s blood.

  “Go with him.” Josef nodded toward the house and the men taking Adam inside. “His vater is right. He will need you. I will tell your parents where you are.”

  He nodded again, urging her on. She turned toward the house, and then looked back at him once more. His face was calm. Determined. She followed Hiram and Samuel into the house, but her mind was on the man she left behind in the farmyard.

  He was right. Love grew. She could feel the vines taking root as Josef turned away to leave her to do what she must for Adam.

  29

  Hannah pressed the cool, wet cloth against the gash on Adam’s forehead once more. The bleeding had stopped from most of the cuts on his face, but this one continued to seep.

  “Has he woken yet?” Dora brought in a fresh bowl of water and a clean rag and exchanged it with the one Hannah was using.

  “Not yet, although he has stirred a couple times. I think he may feel the pain of us cleaning his wounds.”

  “We may need to stitch that one on his head. It’s quite deep.”

  Hannah pressed the clean rag to the wound and held it there for a minute, but when she released the pressure and removed the cloth, the blood flowed as freely as before. “I think you’re right.”

  She applied pressure again while Dora prepared the needle and thread. Adam didn’t awaken during the stitching, and Dora was soon finished.

  “I hate seeing him like this
.” She pushed damp hair off his forehead. “It’s the way of mothers, to always think of their grown men as they were when they were little boys.” She looked at Hannah and smiled. “That must seem strange to you, doesn’t it?”

  Hannah couldn’t answer. She had never heard Mamm talk like Dora had . . . but whenever Mamm thought of Jacob as a little boy, she would also think of Hansli . . .

  Samuel appeared in the doorway of Adam’s room. “How is he?”

  “He seems comfortable,” Dora said, straightening the covers. “Hannah said he has stirred once or twice.”

  Samuel stepped farther into the room, just as Adam turned his head and groaned. “Son? Are you awake?”

  Hannah moved the basin of water to the floor as Adam’s arm jerked. He opened his eyes, focusing first on Samuel and Dora, and then turned. He smiled when he saw Hannah, but then winced.

  “Don’t try to do too much just yet.” Dora laid her hand on his shoulder and he relaxed at her touch.

  “How did I get home?” Adam’s voice was raspy, but he reached for Hannah’s hand as he spoke. “Where are the others?”

  Samuel leaned over Adam. “There were no others. Can you tell us what happened, son? Do you know?”

  Adam’s hand squeezed Hannah’s as he closed his eyes, a frown twisting his features.

  “We were attacked by slave hunters.” His face grimaced. “I’m afraid I . . . I lost them, Pa. The . . . the passengers. Toby and Jackson. The slave hunters jumped us. They must have been waiting, watching for us.” He struggled to sit up, but Dora’s hand on his shoulder held him down. A tear ran a slow track down his cheek. “I failed them. The last time I saw them, the slave hunters had them in chains, and all I could do was lie in the snow and watch them leave. And then everything went black.”

  Hannah would have left the room, slipping out quietly, but Adam’s grip on her hand was too tight. Her heart wrenched. Those poor men. What were they facing now? And what would they face when the slave hunters returned them to their masters?