Selected early plays

by Антон Чехов

  EFIMOVNA. Hoo, hoo, hoo.... Gracious heavens! [Covers her face] Little Savva!

  TIHON. What are you frightening them for? A great pleasure! [The door slams in the wind] Lord Jesus.... The wind, the wind!

  MERIK. [Stretching himself] Eh, to show my strength! [The door slams again] If I could only measure myself against the wind! Shall I tear the door down, or suppose I tear up the inn by the roots! [Gets up and lies down again] How dull!

  NAZAROVNA. You'd better pray, you heathen! Why are you so restless?

  EFIMOVNA. Don't speak to him, leave him alone! He's looking at us again. [To MERIK] Don't look at us, evil man! Your eyes are like the eyes of a devil before cockcrow!

  SAVVA. Let him look, pilgrims! You pray, and his eyes won't do you any harm.

  BORTSOV. No, I can't. It's too much for my strength! [Goes up to the counter] Listen, Tihon, I ask you for the last time.... Just half a glass!

  TIHON. [Shakes his head] The money!

  BORTSOV. My God, haven't I told you! I've drunk it all! Where am I to get it? And you won't go broke even if you do let me have a drop of vodka on tick. A glass of it only costs you two copecks, and it will save me from suffering! I am suffering! Understand! I'm in misery, I'm suffering!

  TIHON. Go and tell that to someone else, not to me.... Go and ask the Orthodox, perhaps they'll give you some for Christ's sake, if they feel like it, but I'll only give bread for Christ's sake.

  BORTSOV. You can rob those wretches yourself, I shan't.... I won't do it! I won't! Understand? [Hits the bar-counter with his fist] I won't. [A pause.] Hm... just wait.... [Turns to the pilgrim women] It's an idea, all the same, Orthodox ones! Spare five copecks! My inside asks for it. I'm ill!

  FEDYA. Oh, you swindler, with your "spare five copecks." Won't you have some water?

  BORTSOV. How I am degrading myself! I don't want it! I don't want anything! I was joking!

  MERIK. You won't get it out of him, sir.... He's a famous skinflint.... Wait, I've got a five-copeck piece somewhere.... We'll have a glass between us—half each [Searches in his pockets] The devil... it's lost somewhere.... Thought I heard it tinkling just now in my pocket.... No; no, it isn't there, brother, it's your luck! [A pause.]

  BORTSOV. But if I can't drink, I'll commit a crime or I'll kill myself.... What shall I do, my God! [Looks through the door] Shall I go out, then? Out into this darkness, wherever my feet take me....

  MERIK. Why don't you give him a sermon, you pilgrims? And you, Tihon, why don't you drive him out? He hasn't paid you for his night's accommodation. Chuck him out! Eh, the people are cruel nowadays. There's no gentleness or kindness in them.... A savage people! A man is drowning and they shout to him: "Hurry up and drown, we've got no time to look at you; we've got to go to work." As to throwing him a rope—there's no worry about that.... A rope would cost money.

  SAVVA. Don't talk, kind man!

  MERIK. Quiet, old wolf! You're a savage race! Herods! Sellers of your souls! [To TIHON] Come here, take off my boots! Look sharp now!

  TIHON. Eh, he's let himself go I [Laughs] Awful, isn't it.

  MERIK. Go on, do as you're told! Quick now! [Pause] Do you hear me, or don't you? Am I talking to you or the wall? [Stands up]

  TIHON. Well... give over.

  MERIK. I want you, you fleecer, to take the boots off me, a poor tramp.

  TIHON. Well, well... don't get excited. Here have a glass.... Have a drink, now!

  MERIK. People, what do I want? Do I want him to stand me vodka, or to take off my boots? Didn't I say it properly? [To TIHON] Didn't you hear me rightly? I'll wait a moment, perhaps you'll hear me then.

  [There is excitement among the pilgrims and tramps, who half-raise themselves in order to look at TIHON and MERIK. They wait in silence.]

  TIHON. The devil brought you here! [Comes out from behind the bar] What a gentleman! Come on now. [Takes off MERIK'S boots] You child of Cain...

  MERIK. That's right. Put them side by side.... Like that... you can go now!

  TIHON. [Returns to the bar-counter] You're too fond of being clever. You do it again and I'll turn you out of the inn! Yes! [To BORTSOV, who is approaching] You, again?

  BORTSOV. Look here, suppose I give you something made of gold.... I will give it to you.

  TIHON. What are you shaking for? Talk sense!

  BORTSOV. It may be mean and wicked on my part, but what am I to do? I'm doing this wicked thing, not reckoning on what's to come.... If I was tried for it, they'd let me off. Take it, only on condition that you return it later, when I come back from town. I give it to you in front of these witnesses. You will be my witnesses! [Takes a gold medallion out from the breast of his coat] Here it is.... I ought to take the portrait out, but I've nowhere to put it; I'm wet all over.... Well, take the portrait, too! Only mind this... don't let your fingers touch that face.... Please... I was rude to you, my dear fellow, I was a fool, but forgive me and... don't touch it with your fingers.... Don't look at that face with your eyes. [Gives TIHON the medallion.]

  TIHON. [Examining it] Stolen property.... All right, then, drink.... [Pours out vodka] Confound you.

  BORTSOV. Only don't you touch it... with your fingers. [Drinks slowly, with feverish pauses.]

  TIHON. [Opens the medallion] Hm... a lady!... Where did you get hold of this?

  MERIK. Let's have a look. [Goes to the bar] Let's see.

  TIHON. [Pushes his hand away] Where are you going to? You look somewhere else!

  FEDYA. [Gets up and comes to TIHON] I want to look too!

  [Several of the tramps, etc., approach the bar and form a group. MERIK grips TIHON's hand firmly with both his, looks at the portrait, in the medallion in silence. A pause.]

  MERIK. A pretty she-devil. A real lady....

  FEDYA. A real lady.... Look at her cheeks, her eyes.... Open your hand, I can't see. Hair coming down to her waist.... It is lifelike! She might be going to say something.... [Pause.]

  MERIK. It's destruction for a weak man. A woman like that gets a hold on one and... [Waves his hand] you're done for!

  [KUSMA'S voice is heard. "Trrr.... Stop, you brutes!" Enter KUSMA.]

  KUSMA. There stands an inn upon my way. Shall I drive or walk past it, say? You can pass your own father and not notice him, but you can see an inn in the dark a hundred versts away. Make way, if you believe in God! Hullo, there! [Planks a five-copeck piece down on the counter] A glass of real Madeira! Quick!

  FEDYA. Oh, you devil!

  TIHON. Don't wave your arms about, or you'll hit somebody.

  KUSMA. God gave us arms to wave about. Poor sugary things, you're half-melted. You're frightened of the rain, poor delicate things. [Drinks.]

  EFIMOVNA. You may well get frightened, good man, if you're caught on your way in a night like this. Now, thank God, it's all right, there are many villages and houses where you can shelter from the weather, but before that there weren't any. Oh, Lord, it was bad! You walk a hundred versts, and not only isn't there a village; or a house, but you don't even see a dry stick. So you sleep on the ground....

  KUSMA. Have you been long on this earth, old woman?

  EFIMOVNA. Over seventy years, little father.

  KUSMA. Over seventy years! You'll soon come to crow's years. [Looks at BORTSOV] And what sort of a raisin is this? [Staring at BORTSOV] Sir! [BORTSOV recognizes KUSMA and retires in confusion to a corner of the room, where he sits on a bench] Semyon Sergeyevitch! Is that you, or isn't it? Eh? What are you doing in this place? It's not the sort of place for you, is it?

  BORTSOV. Be quiet!

  MERIK. [To KUSMA] Who is it?

  KUSMA. A miserable sufferer. [Paces irritably by the counter] Eh? In an inn, my goodness! Tattered! Drunk! I'm upset, brothers... upset.... [To MERIK, in an undertone] It's my master... our landlord. Semyon Sergeyevitch and Mr. Bortsov.... Have you ever seen such a state? What does he look like? Just... it's the drink that brought him to this.... Give me some more! [Drinks] I come from his village, Bortsovka; you may have heard of it,
it's 200 versts from here, in the Ergovsky district. We used to be his father's serfs.... What a shame!

  MERIK. Was he rich?

  KUSMA. Very.

  MERIK. Did he drink it all?

  KUSMA. No, my friend, it was something else.... He used to be great and rich and sober.... [To TIHON] Why you yourself used to see him riding, as he used to, past this inn, on his way to the town. Such bold and noble horses! A carriage on springs, of the best quality! He used to own five troikas, brother.... Five years ago, I remember, he cam here driving two horses from Mikishinsky, and he paid with a five-rouble piece.... I haven't the time, he says, to wait for the change.... There!

  MERIK. His brain's gone, I suppose.

  KUSMA. His brain's all right.... It all happened because of his cowardice! From too much fat. First of all, children, because of a woman.... He fell in love with a woman of the town, and it seemed to him that there wasn't any more beautiful thing in the wide world. A fool may love as much as a wise man. The girl's people were all right.... But she wasn't exactly loose, but just... giddy... always changing her mind! Always winking at one! Always laughing and laughing.... No sense at all. The gentry like that, they think that's nice, but we moujiks would soon chuck her out.... Well, he fell in love, and his luck ran out. He began to keep company with her, one thing led to another... they used to go out in a boat all night, and play pianos....

  BORTSOV. Don't tell them, Kusma! Why should you? What has my life got to do with them?

  KUSMA. Forgive me, your honour, I'm only telling them a little... what does it matter, anyway.... I'm shaking all over. Pour out some more. [Drinks.]

  MERIK. [In a semitone] And did she love him?

  KUSMA. [In a semitone which gradually becomes his ordinary voice] How shouldn't she? He was a man of means.... Of course you'll fall in love when the man has a thousand dessiatins and money to burn.... He was a solid, dignified, sober gentleman... always the same, like this... give me your hand [Takes MERIK'S hand] "How do you do and good-bye, do me the favour." Well, I was going one evening past his garden—and what a garden, brother, versts of it—I was going along quietly, and I look and see the two of them sitting on a seat and kissing each other. [Imitates the sound] He kisses her once, and the snake gives him back two.... He was holding her white, little hand, and she was all fiery and kept on getting closer and closer, too.... "I love you," she says. And he, like one of the damned, walks about from one place to another and brags, the coward, about his happiness.... Gives one man a rouble, and two to another.... Gives me money for a horse. Let off everybody's debts....

  BORTSOV. Oh, why tell them all about it? These people haven't any sympathy.... It hurts!

  KUSMA. It's nothing, sir! They asked me! Why shouldn't I tell them? But if you are angry I won't... I won't.... What do I care for them.... [Post-bells are heard.]

  FEDYA. Don't shout; tell us quietly....

  KUSMA. I'll tell you quietly.... He doesn't want me to, but it can't be helped.... But there's nothing more to tell. They got married, that's all. There was nothing else. Pour out another drop for Kusma the stony! [Drinks] I don't like people getting drunk! Why the time the wedding took place, when the gentlefolk sat down to supper afterwards, she went off in a carriage... [Whispers] To the town, to her lover, a lawyer.... Eh? What do you think of her now? Just at the very moment! She would be let off lightly if she were killed for it!

  MERIK. [Thoughtfully] Well... what happened then?

  KUSMA. He went mad.... As you see, he started with a fly, as they say, and now it's grown to a bumble-bee. It was a fly then, and now—it's a bumble-bee.... And he still loves her. Look at him, he loves her! I expect he's walking now to the town to get a glimpse of her with one eye.... He'll get a glimpse of her, and go back....

  [The post has driven up to the in.. The POSTMAN enters and has a drink.]

  TIHON. The post's late to-day!

  [The POSTMAN pays in silence and goes out. The post drives off, the bells ringing.]

  A VOICE FROM THE CORNER. One could rob the post in weather like this—easy as spitting.

  MERIK. I've been alive thirty-five years and I haven't robbed the post once.... [Pause] It's gone now... too late, too late....

  KUSMA. Do you want to smell the inside of a prison?

  MERIK. People rob and don't go to prison. And if I do go! [Suddenly] What else?

  KUSMA. Do you mean that unfortunate?

  MERIK. Who else?

  KUSMA. The second reason, brothers, why he was ruined was because of his brother-in-law, his sister's husband.... He took it into his head to stand surety at the bank for 30,000 roubles for his brother-in-law. The brother-in-law's a thief.... The swindler knows which side his bread's buttered and won't budge an inch.... So he doesn't pay up.... So our man had to pay up the whole thirty thousand. [Sighs] The fool is suffering for his folly. His wife's got children now by the lawyer and the brother-in-law has bought an estate near Poltava, and our man goes round inns like a fool, and complains to the likes of us: "I've lost all faith, brothers! I can't believe in anybody now!" It's cowardly! Every man has his grief, a snake that sucks at his heart, and does that mean that he must drink? Take our village elder, for example. His wife plays about with the schoolmaster in broad daylight, and spends his money on drink, but the elder walks about smiling to himself. He's just a little thinner...

  TIHON. [Sighs] When God gives a man strength....

  KUSMA. There's all sorts of strength, that's true.... Well? How much does it come to? [Pays] Take your pound of flesh! Good-bye, children! Good-night and pleasant dreams! It's time I hurried off. I'm bringing my lady a midwife from the hospital.... She must be getting wet with waiting, poor thing.... [Runs out. A pause.]

  TIHON. Oh, you! Unhappy man, come and drink this! [Pours out.]

  BORTSOV. [Comes up to the bar hesitatingly and drinks] That means I now owe you for two glasses.

  TIHON. You don't owe me anything? Just drink and drown your sorrows!

  FEDYA. Drink mine, too, sir! Oh! [Throws down a five-copeck piece] If you drink, you die; if you don't drink, you die. It's good not to drink vodka, but by God you're easier when you've got some! Vodka takes grief away.... It is hot!

  BORTSOV. Boo! The heat!

  MERIK. Dive it here! [Takes the medallion from TIHON and examines her portrait] Hm. Ran off after the wedding. What a woman!

  A VOICE FROM THE CORNER. Pour him out another glass, Tihon. Let him drink mine, too.

  MERIK. [Dashes the medallion to the ground] Curse her! [Goes quickly to his place and lies down, face to the wall. General excitement.]

  BORTSOV. Here, what's that? [Picks up the medallion] How dare you, you beast? What right have you? [Tearfully] Do you want me to kill you? You moujik! You boor!

  TIHON. Don't be angry, sir.... It isn't glass, it isn't broken.... Have another drink and go to sleep. [Pours out] Here I've been listening to you all, and when I ought to have locked up long ago. [Goes and looks door leading out.]

  BORTSOV. [Drinks] How dare he? The fool! [to MERIK] Do you understand? You're a fool, a donkey!

  SAVVA. Children! If you please! Stop that talking! What's the good of making a noise? Let people go to sleep.

  TIHON. Lie down, lie down... be quiet! [Goes behind the counter and locks the till] It's time to sleep.

  FEDYA. It's time! [Lies down] Pleasant dreams, brothers!

  MERIK. [Gets up and spreads his short fur and coat the bench] Come on, lie down, sir.

  TIHON. And where will you sleep.

  MERIK. Oh, anywhere.... The floor will do.... [Spreads a coat on the floor] It's all one to me [Puts the axe by him] It would be torture for him to sleep on the floor. He's used to silk and down....

  TIHON. [To BORTSOV] Lie down, your honour! You've looked at that portrait long enough. [Puts out a candle] Throw it away!

  BORTSOV. [Swaying about] Where can I lie down?

  TIHON. In the tramp's place! Didn't you hear him giving it up to you?

  BORTSOV. [Going up
to the vacant place] I'm a bit... drunk... after all that.... Is this it?... Do I lie down here? Eh?

  TIHON. Yes, yes, lie down, don't be afraid. [Stretches himself out on the counter.]

  BORTSOV. [Lying down] I'm... drunk.... Everything's going round.... [Opens the medallion] Haven't you a little candle? [Pause] You're a queer little woman Masha.... Looking at me out of the frame and laughing.... [Laughs] I'm drunk! And should you laugh at a man because he's drunk? You look out, as Schastlivtsev says, and... love the drunkard.

  FEDYA. How the wind howls. It's dreary!

  BORTSOV. [Laughs] What a woman.... Why do you keep on going round? I can't catch you!

  MERIK. He's wandering. Looked too long at the portrait. [Laughs] What a business! Educated people go and invent all sorts of machines and medicines, but there hasn't yet been a man wise enough to invent a medicine against the female sex.... They try to cure every sort of disease, and it never occurs to them that more people die of women than of disease.... Sly, stingy, cruel, brainless.... The mother-in-law torments the bride and the bride makes things square by swindling the husband... and there's no end to it....

  TIHON. The women have ruffled his hair for him, and so he's bristly.

  MERIK. It isn't only I.... From the beginning of the ages, since the world has been in existence, people have complained.... It's not for nothing that in the songs and stories, the devil and the woman are put side by side.... Not for nothing! It's half true, at any rate... [Pause] Here's the gentleman playing the fool, but I had more sense, didn't I, when I left my father and mother, and became a tramp?

  FEDYA. Because of women?

  MERIK. Just like the gentleman... I walked about like one of the damned, bewitched, blessing my stars... on fire day and night, until at last my eyes were opened... It wasn't love, but just a fraud....