Wandering in Exile

by Peter Murphy

  “So, how have you been?”

  “Oh, you know. Parenthood, eh?”

  “Ya,” he agreed. “Tell me about it.”

  And for some reason she did. She told him everything and it felt good even if it was an indulgence. She knew he still carried a torch for her and felt vindicated when his eyes began to blaze with outrage, even as the game went on.

  It was getting tense. Leaside was proving to be far more than Brampton expected, especially Martin. “Hit him,” the Brampton parents yelled every time he touched the puck. “Hit him into the boards.”

  It was a bad idea. Martin thrived on that and stick-handled around like a Gretzky. He scored twice and assisted on another despite all the hacking and slashing, even pushing back when they squared up to each other just like they did in the NHL. “That’s it, Boyle. Show ’em what you’re made of. Now let’s finish them off,” the swarthy-faced coach spoke loud enough for the whole rink to hear.

  “Hit him harder,” the Brampton parents replied, but Eduardo just sat and listened until Deirdre was done.

  She couldn’t help it and when she had finished recounting all the terrible things, she began to cry like a little girl. She let him put his arm around her. None of the parents were watching anymore. There were just two minutes to go.

  “I am so sorry to hear that.”

  “Thanks,” Deirdre mumbled through her teary, snotty tissue. But she wanted more from him than that. She wanted him to hold her and make her feel like she wasn’t so God-awful alone in the world, that she wouldn’t have to spend the rest of her life sleeping in her empty bed. She wanted him to kiss her, right there in front of everyone.

  The Leaside parents rose in their seats and Deirdre was grateful for the distraction. Martin had the puck in his own end. She knew he wouldn’t rush forward with his head down the way the other kids did. He slowed and looked, like he was evaluating what was in front of him. The other center was tired; he’d been sent on to shackle Martin. But he was big and slow and couldn’t turn and Deirdre knew that Martin would go straight at him.

  The other center braced himself to make a hit but Martin slid the puck between his skates and picked it up on the other side. Someone was dragging at him with their stick as he burst forward, through the neutral zone, toward the blue line. Brampton were all lined up like skittles with Martin’s wingers on the edges. He faked the pass to the right and cut left. The defender tried to push him wide but Martin drifted toward the corner until he had space to turn. He cut inside and glided in behind the net, just like number ’99.’

  The defenders were afraid to follow and the goalie had to look over his shoulder to see. Martin pushed to the left and the goalie followed, still looking back. Martin pushed to the right and as soon as the goalie’s skates moved, pushed left again and reached forward and tucked the puck into the corner of the net. It all came so easily to him.

  “Could I meet with you again? Maybe for lunch sometime? I work downtown.”

  “Why?” Deirdre smiled but decided to let fate take its course.

  *

  “You played so well. Mommy is so proud of you.”

  Martin seemed pleased but she could tell; he was thinking about something else. He was like that. Other kids would need even more affirmation, but not Martin. ‘Quietly confident,’ always came to mind.

  “Who was that man?” he asked without looking over at her.

  “He is a friend of Mommy’s from university.”

  “Is he a nice man?”

  “Yes. He is.”

  “Are you going to see him again?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “I think you should.”

  “Martin,” Deirdre mentioned casually as they pulled into the driveway, “I don’t think we should tell Grainne.”

  *

  “Danny Boyle, you bollocks.” Jimmy laughed and hugged him tight. He was looking very well with a very buxom blonde on his arm. “This is Anna. Anna, this is Danny from the band.”

  The party was getting loud and Danny had to strain to hear what she was saying, leaning over her as he did. He was a bit tipsy already. He’d been drinking since midday. Frank told him he’d be wasted, but Danny didn’t care. He was going to have a good night—the first in years.

  “So what do you think?”

  “Of what?” Jimmy asked.

  ‘Of putting the band back together.”

  “Danny, you’ve got to be fucking kidding.”

  “I’m deadly fucking serious. Me and Frank are gonna go for it.”

  “I dunno. I’m kind of involved in a studio project right now. I’m not sure I’d have the time.”

  “Well, in that case,” Danny said as he swayed around in a slow circle, “you can go and fuck yourself. Me and Frank don’t need you.”

  Anna looked concerned but Jimmy just laughed. “Just like old times, eh? Okay, I’m in.”

  “And this time,” Danny announced to the whole room, “we’re going to do it right.”

  He wandered off in search of beer, laughing with the old crowd and stealing kisses from their wives and girlfriends.

  Billie arrived after eleven. She looked like she had come from the opera or something. She had her hair up and wore a pearl necklace. She wore a short black dress that showed her shape. She was still a fine looking woman.

  “Danny boy.” She smiled and let him kiss her cheek. She wore an expensive fragrance that filled his mind with wicked thoughts. “You haven’t changed a bit.”

  “Are you kidding? You’re the one who’s looking great. Jazus. Come here and give me another hug.”

  He held her as close as she let him, smelling her hair and feeling her warmth against him. She’d been drinking, too, and she was high. Her eyes were huge and deep, but he could see that she still had feelings for him, even after all that happened.

  *

  “It was a mistake,” she told him as she scurried around collecting her expensive lingerie from the floor. “We shouldn’t have done this.”

  Danny couldn’t disagree more. They had fucked half the night away. Their bodies remembered each other, despite the booze and the coke. She had a few lines and let Danny snort some off her body for old time’s sake.

  “What?” he asked impishly as he watched her dress.

  “This, Danny. We shouldn’t have done this.”

  “Then why did you?”

  She turned away and looked at herself in the mirror. She laughed for a moment before turning back to him. She had been doing so well. She’d left the museum and now worked for a private art dealer in Yorkville. She arranged parties and created buzz.

  “I don’t know,” she answered and her own honesty seemed to trip her up. “I guess . . . well, I guess I should be going.”

  She stepped into her heels, rising higher while flicking out her hair, tumbling freely now down her shoulders. She almost made it to the door before she turned. “I did it because I just broke up with someone.”

  “Me too.”

  “Don’t kid yourself, Danny boy. You’re still married.”

  Danny rose and wrapped the sheet around his waist. He stepped forward and took her in his arms. “Not anymore.”

  He knew that got to her. It was always different with her. Deirdre was always looking at him like she was trying to find something to change, but Billie just accepted him for what he was—and she still loved him, despite everything.

  *

  “It’s not like I think marriage is final, but because of the kids . . .”

  Deirdre wanted to say the right things. She didn’t want to give Eduardo the wrong idea, but neither did she want to say anything that might drive him away. She liked getting together for lunch. It was so intimate, almost like dating. She wouldn’t be what drove him and his wife apart, but if it were to happen . . .

  “I understand.”

  “Do you?” She smiled and resisted the urge to reach forward and stroke the back of his hand. He was having problems too. His wife had become everythin
g he hadn’t wanted. A stay-at-home, full-time mother who suspected every moment he spent out of the house.

  Deirdre knew how lonely he had become—almost as lonely as her, but it shouldn’t become more. It was bad enough that they met and shared what they did. They both had children and they didn’t want to make things any more complicated than that.

  “So, are we to go on denying ourselves the chance to be happy—together?”

  He motioned for the bill and wiped his lips one last time. He tugged at his cuffs and stole a glance at his watch. He had to hurry back to the office. His wife called every few hours.

  “And what makes you so sure that we could be happy together?” She shouldn’t have asked but she liked to tease him a little. He always tried to seem so assured.

  He tapped his heart and winked at her. “Because I have never stopped loving you.”

  *

  “I am sorry, Ms. Fallon, but something must be done.”

  Deirdre knew she was right. It was the second time Grainne had hit somebody and it was still the first term of grade one. She was belligerent at home, too, only there they could deflect her. But it wasn’t fair. Martin had to tiptoe around her, even when she turned on their mother. He tried. He talked with her and let her watch all her shows. He even played dress-up with her but, in the long run, something had to be done.

  “Am I correct in understanding that there have been some changes in your family life?”

  Deirdre nearly laughed aloud. People couldn’t say ‘shit’ any more, even when they had a mouthful. “Yes, Grainne’s father and I are separated.”

  “I see.” The teacher nodded like she was hearing it for the first time. “And have you been to any type of family support?”

  “Yes,” Deirdre lied. She’d had enough of all the ways people used to deflect reality.

  “Grainne doesn’t seem to know this.”

  “I can’t understand that,” Deirdre bluffed.

  It was how she dealt with issues at work, and teachers were so easy to handle as long as you remained superior. “We have made a point of getting as much help as we can.”

  “I see. In that case I’m not sure how to proceed. Normally, we would insist on a suspension but, if you are in counseling, we should give it some time and see how things are in a few weeks.”

  Deirdre had pulled it off. She couldn’t afford to take time from work right now and she had no one to turn to. “I think that’s best. Our family therapist thinks Grainne is resisting. That’s probably why she didn’t want to mention it, but we are all confident that we can expect a breakthrough any day now.”

  She’d get to work on it as soon as she got home. She would make whatever deal she had to, to make everything right again. She stole a glance at her watch and waited until the teacher smiled. They had nothing more to discuss for now.

  “Well thank you for coming in so quickly, Ms. Fallon, and I am sure we will have everything back to normal in no time. Grainne is such a bright little girl. I think she could be one of the smartest children I have seen in a while.” She led Deirdre outside where Grainne sat on a bench. She didn’t seem the slightest bit concerned.

  Deirdre almost laughed about that as she started the van. Grainne was smart. Too bloody smart and she would have her work cut out getting her to come around.

  “Sweetie. What are we going to do?”

  “I want to see my Daddy.”

  “Daddy is at work right now. Maybe we can call him instead.”

  Grainne flew into a rage and pounded her feet against the back of Deirdre’s seat. Deirdre waited for it to blow over but Grainne kept going, kicking and screaming until her mother broke.

  “If you stop,” Deirdre said in her most controlled voice, “I will take you to Daddy’s office.”

  “I want to see my Daddy, now.”

  “I can’t drive while you are kicking my seat.”

  “I want to see my Daddy. Now!” She repeated it a few more times until she had blown herself out and settled into a sulk.

  Danny wasn’t in the office, so Deirdre took a chance and drove to Frank’s. Danny wasn’t there but Frank agreed to watch Grainne until he arrived.

  “Are you sure?” Frank always had a thing for her and Deirdre felt bad about imposing on him, but she had to get back to the office.

  “No problem. I’ll let her play with the power tools. Kids love that.”

  Deirdre felt like a whore when she kissed his cheek, but she knew Frank would get after Danny.

  *

  Frank even agreed to have Grainne and Martin over for the weekend so Danny and Deirdre could have some time to try to sort things out. He’d even take Martin to hockey. He and Grainne could start fights with the other parents. “Just kidding,” he added when Martin looked concerned.

  “They will be okay?” Deirdre asked as she and Danny sat down to dinner. They had decided on a nice little place on St. Clair where they made great pizza.

  Danny looked different. He didn’t look so ‘pinched’ anymore. He even wore a ‘Blue Jays’ hat—everyone was wearing them since the World Series.

  “It’s Frank that I’m worried about.” He tried to sound relaxed but he was hesitant, forcing himself to seem natural. He’d been different on the phone. They had talked and agreed; they had to do something for the kids’ sake.

  When the waiter took their order, Danny ordered a beer. Deirdre ordered a glass of wine and tried not to react.

  “You’re not going to say anything?”

  “Would it make any difference if I did?”

  “It’s not like that, Dee. It’s just that I have found out something about myself. I’m not an alcoholic.”

  She fidgeted with her placemat and waited for him to continue.

  “I know you think I am but, after months and months of going to meetings, I figured it out. I’m just a heavy drinker who has other issues.”

  The waiter returned and placed their drinks in front of them but neither of them reached for theirs.

  “I’m learning to drink normally, now. I know you don’t believe me, but you’ve always been on my case and that’s part of the problem too. I know you mean well but it’s not working for me.”

  He paused and waited for her to comment, but she didn’t. She knew she had to be different with him. Her time alone with the kids had changed her.

  “Well?”

  “I’m not sure what to say, Danny.”

  “Well then, what would you say to a clean slate? You don’t bug me about my drinking and I won’t get so drunk all the time?”

  She really wanted to cry. He was never going to be what she wanted him to become. She had been fooling herself all along. Miriam had warned her, back when they used to get together for coffee in Bewley’s. Danny Boyle would never change his spots—just like most men.

  It was all an illusion. Women of today were no different than their mothers. Not really. Sure, they could have their careers and speak openly about orgasms but, at the end of the day, they were still the ones it all fell to. They still had to be the heart of the family. Only now they had to do it while juggling all that liberation had brought.

  She could end it all and start fresh with Eduardo. Except she wasn’t prepared for all that entailed. Grainne would never accept it. His wife would never accept it. She sipped her wine and smiled at Danny. He knew he had her over a barrel. He knew what Grainne had been up to. He wouldn’t have encouraged her, but he wouldn’t have discouraged her either. If Deirdre was going to put her family back together, she was going to have to settle for the same old Danny Boyle.

  He’d make some effort. He wasn’t a bad person—just a very flawed one. But he was the father of her kids and they came first. Women could have it all until it broke them.

  Deirdre raised her glass. “To a new beginning.”

  *

  So, as the year drew to a close and Mary Robinson settled in at Áras an Uachtaráin and Ireland agreed to the Maastricht, Danny Boyle moved back home.

  The w
ar in El Salvador was over, too late for the seventy-five thousand, and the Charlottetown Accord died, but Mulroney signed the NAFTA deal. Better times were just around the corner.

  A colonel in the Atlacati Battalion was sentenced to thirty years for killing John Melchor’s friends and Philippe’s kindness had gone unpunished. Apartheid was ending but so was Tito’s peace in Yugoslavia.

  Los Angeles burned with rage for a few nights and, in Russia, they found the bodies of Nicholas and Alexandra.

  The British finally outlawed the UDA and Sinead O’Connor ripped the pope apart, even though he finally lifted the Inquisition on Galileo. Bill Clinton would be taking over in the White House and Danny Boyle sat in the midst of his family, drinking moderately and overseeing a new peace.

  And on Christmas Eve, he even took out his guitar and they sang carols like any normal, happy family.

  17

  1993

  “I came over as quickly as I could.”

  Jacinta looked at her and felt better. She was the only one she would dream of calling in the middle of the night. She tried to smile but cried, so Gina hugged her tight.

  “How is he?”

  “They said that we got him here in the nick of time—but you never know with heart attacks.”

  Gina made the sign of the cross from her head to her breast and across her shoulders before looking up at the ceiling. It almost made Jacinta smile. Gina was just like the rest of them, religious-less until death showed up. She didn’t mind; Gina just didn’t know any better.

  “Ah, poor Jerry. And you, it must have been an awful shock for you.”

  It was awful, but it wasn’t a shock. Jerry had been complaining for a few days but neither of them took much notice of it. If he was really sick, he should have gone to the doctor.

  But he didn’t, and after dinner he sat beside the fire and smoked like a chimney. He had a few whiskies, too, but she didn’t begrudge him. Things were very tense at work. Donal was flying higher with every new deal and Jerry just wasn’t cut out for that type of thing. Jacinta had told him. “You’ll end up in an early grave,” she had warned.