by Alexis Anne
I yanked my hand back. “This is about more than my father.”
“I know it is.”
“We’re a mess.”
“We were a mess. We’re not those people anymore.”
I threw my toast on the plate, my appetite gone. “We’re more screwed up than ever!”
He gave me a look. “No we’re not. You are a very successful artist. You may almost never leave your flat but your work is on display in three galleries around the world. You grossed half a million pounds last year.”
I blushed because of the admiration in his voice. It made me feel good and the last thing I wanted to feel around Darcy was good. “And I hate people! I hate socializing and being happy. That’s not normal.”
“No, but you’re not happy because you refuse to try to be happy. You could, you know. You could let all the shit go and we could be together. I could make you so happy.”
I pushed back from the table. “With your private army of thugs? Your nightclubs? You think I want to step back into that world? Fuck off.”
I started for my room but he snagged my arm, yanking me back into his hard wall of muscle. “I built an empire so we could do whatever we wanted with it. You want it gone, it’s gone.”
“You’re insane. You’ll throw it all away because I don’t like it?”
“Yes. After Theo and I are done with this, I’ll do whatever it is you want.”
“You’re just like my brother. You think you can have it all. Fix the past and live happily ever after.”
I pissed him off. At least I think that’s what I did. His eyes widened and a fire ignited inside that man. “Theo wants everything. He wants out of the Duncan Boys, to be done with Dan Christie, and to keep iON Innovations. He wants to keep this life that he’s built and bring Allison on board, too.”
His hand slid up my side, over my shoulder, and cupped my cheek. His eyes pleading with me to understand.
“But that’s not what you want?” I whispered, overwhelmed by being so close to Darcy, feeling his hard body, those muscles, and that strength. It was like I was fourteen all over again, lightheaded, and throbbing between the legs just because he was near.
“I could walk away from all of this right now,” he murmured. “I could walk away from all this and never look back. As long as I have one thing.”
“And what’s that?” I asked with a shaky breath, my heart pounding in my chest.
“You.”
* * *
For some reason that I still didn’t understand, I spent the afternoon Googling Allison on Darcy’s secure laptop. Okay, so maybe I knew exactly why I was obsessing over my brother’s girlfriend and I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.
I was screwed.
I was screwed and instead of dealing with the fact that I was madly in love with Darcy and he was slowly breaking down every excuse and defense I had in my arsenal, I was fixating on something that had absolutely nothing to do with my life.
Well, it started that way. Things kind of devolved from there.
Turns out Allison is a very nice, very normal woman. Went to very good schools, became a highly sought after architect with a specialty in renovation.
But from there I got a little lost in Riley Cosmetics, her family’s business. The company was good, but it had steadily been losing market share, and for some inexplicable reason, that fascinated me. Good products, good company, good prices…they should be growing, not shrinking.
After an hour down the rabbit hole, Darcy needed his computer back and I really needed to get back to work on planning that installation. I sat sketching nervously in the corner of the kitchen until Allison came home.
Darcy started dinner while she and I chatted about her family. I learned she wanted nothing to do with cosmetics and that she hadn’t told them about Theo.
I didn’t like that at all.
But I also understood. She’d run away to London to escape the family legacy and their desire for her to marry someone in their inner circle. I had to admit I was more than a little jealous. I’d never gotten up the courage to leave after Father burned down my hopes and dreams.
Of course Allison had nothing tying her down while I—I glanced over at Darcy drying dishes before stacking them in their various cabinets—had someone I couldn’t quite leave behind.
That’s when Theo suddenly arrived and Allison shot up from the table with murder in her eyes. “You!” she pointed at him like she was angry but she definitely didn’t look angry. No, that look was much closer to lust.
“Me?” Theo paused, grinning from ear to ear.
I knew that mischievous look. It had been a long, long time since I’d seen it, though.
“Bedroom,” she demanded stalking off.
Theo bounced his eyebrows and shot us both a grin.
“I’ve never seen Theo like this…” I murmured the minute they left the room.
“He’s in love,” Darcy said, absentmindedly drying a bowl.
Was that what that deliriously happy look of contentment was?
I took a minute to look at Darcy. Aside from all the obvious stuff like his devastating eyes, gorgeous body, and beautiful smile, who was this man who cooked and cleaned with an easy confidence?
The t-shirt and jeans look was familiar and yet different. In the past it had been laziness and comfort as much as anything. Jeans were easy and t-shirts with video game slogans were easy to come by. But this new look was different. It was an intentional style. The jeans, while still comfortable, were chosen to look good on him—and they looked really good.
Dark wash, fitted in the hips so he didn’t need a belt to hold them up, tight through the ass, no rips or tears. I’d put money on them being designer instead of Levis but I’d have to look at his ass long enough to find the label and read it.
And I was most definitely not going to do that.
I could say all the same things about the shirts he’d been wearing. Soft, comfortable shirts, but nice. They fit his frame perfectly, hugging his strong biceps and skimming his torso without being too tight. He was casual comfort in the sexiest way possible.
And that was very different from the man I caught following me in the shadows. That version of Darcy was different from anything else. He wore suits—beautiful suits—that were a gift to women everywhere. All men should wear suits the way he did. They complimented his six-foot frame and lean body. Where my brother preferred three-piece suits and a nod to the past, Darcy was totally modern. Clean-cut suits with simple lines.
He was quiet, patient, and had an air of authority around him at all times. I noticed—even if I didn’t like it—the way Tad responded to Darcy. He acted as if Darcy were his boss, he listened, he took his advice. The few times I’d caught him walking down the street he was confident, walking with his shoulders back, his head high, and his eyes on the crowds. Watching. Always watching.
For what, I didn’t fully understand.
He owned several businesses, had acquired a small fortune, and, according to him, now commanded enough muscle to rival my father. I didn’t know this Darcy Higgins.
I definitely didn’t know the man putting away dishes.
“When did you become so domestic?”
He paused with one hand on the cupboard and one on a plate. Silence hung between us for more heartbeats than I could count, but I sure as heck could hear every single one. “When I stopped eating Chinese. Had to find something to eat so I wouldn’t starve.”
I laughed because picturing Darcy without his Chinese was impossible to do. “Why on earth did you cut that out of your diet? It was your diet.”
He still didn’t move, holding onto that cabinet as if it were holding him upright. “It was our food, Nik. And I couldn’t eat it without you.” He carefully closed the cabinet and spun around.
My heart pounded in my chest and the world around me tilted a little as the adrenaline skyrocketed in my system. He cut out an entire food group because of me? And that look in his eyes? Holy hell
that look. Darcy would eat me right now if I let him.
I squeezed my legs together, my words coming out deep and husky. “Darcy, I—”
He stepped toward me. “There’s nothing in my life you haven’t touched, Nicki. You are my life, whether you’re in it with me or not.” He took a ragged breath and I realized how worked up he was—how upset. Color rose in his cheeks and his hands shook, just a little. “Seventeen years ago you smiled at me like I mattered and nothing has been the same since.” He cocked his head to the side and gave me a tight smile.
“I—” I stammered, completely at a loss for words.
“Please don’t say anything,” he murmured. “If you say something you’re just going to lie to me and tell me you don’t love me.”
“It’s not a lie,” I whispered, finding just enough panic to force out the words.
He chuckled low under his breath and shook his head. “It’s such a lie.”
“No!” I shouted, the panic totally overtaking me now. “I don’t love you, Darcy, and I most definitely do not want you in my life.”
“Liar,” he repeated so calmly it pissed me off.
I glared at him again and made a noise that was supposed to sound like a growl but came out more like a whimper.
“Oh, you’re telling the truth about one thing,” he said. “You don’t want me in your life. I’ve thought about this long and hard and as far as I can tell, there’s only one scenario that makes sense.”
My heart thundered in my ears as I stood there staring at the undisguised love in his eyes. “I don’t love you,” I repeated like a sad, broken record.
“You do love me. You love me so much it scares you. I know because it’s how much I love you.” He drove the point home by cupping my cheek and staring into my eyes, pleading with me to hear what he was saying. “And if I were in your position I’d be doing the exact same thing.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I wanted to run and hide.
“You’re scared because of how much you feel. It’s overwhelming and terrifying. I don’t blame you, Nicki. I love you.”
He was right, of course. I was overwhelmed, terrified, and hopelessly in love. It was a terrible combination and his understanding only made me feel worse. He should hate me for pushing him away all these years.
I hated me. And right now, that anger was the only thing keeping me going.
“You think you know everything, don’t you Darcy Higgins?” I gave his chest a solid push as I excused myself from the kitchen. “Let me remind you of something. This isn’t a fairytale. Magical creatures aren’t going to clean up my problems while we fuck the day away. There are no happy endings here.”
I really thought I’d managed to get in the last word. I was wrong.
“Nik?”
I simply didn’t have it in me to ignore him. “Yeah?”
“I’m sorry I said all that to you.” My heart thudded as the memory of that horrible day echoed in my ears. “I’m sorry I said it because I was wrong. I didn’t understand yet. I didn’t understand that it wasn’t magic that fixes problems—it’s people. I am the fucking magic and you will have a happy ending.”
21
I drew all day. I drew until my fingers turned black from the charcoal and no amount of soap would remove it. I looked like I’d walked off the pages of a Dickens’ novel.
Darcy made everyone a delicious dinner that was some sort of Thai chicken with rice and vegetables. It was amazing and went really well with the wine he’d opened. I’d started venturing into the wine-with-dinner territory more and more often since my night with Jenni and Dominic, but I was still struggling with my limits.
Needless to say, I was a bit sauced—as was everyone else—by the time we started telling stories around the coffee table in the sitting room.
“He would hide for hours and scare the piss out of me,” I grumbled as Theo told Allison all about his favorite childhood prank. “The entire staff would toss the house looking for him.” Theo thought it was fun to hide and force everyone Father could spare to look for him.
I hated it but I think Theo needed it. Irrational as it was, it was a little bit of control in a world where we otherwise had none.
Allison frowned and slid her hand inside Theo’s. His shoulders instantly relaxed and he took a deep breath, relaxing into the sofa. It was amazing the effect she had on him, even more amazing was the way she always seemed to know when he needed to calm down.
He squeezed her hand and she sat up straighter, a glint sparkling in her eye as Darcy turned the conversation toward their days in Edinburgh. “Theo had a thing for cars. He had this phone with all these programs in it,” Darcy grew more animated with each word, his hands waving around. “He could unlock any car and start any engine. Dude…chicks loved that shit. It was his move for a couple of years.”
I expected Allison to look sad or jealous at the mention of other women in Theo’s life, but instead she shot him a teasing smile. “Is this so? Was the car this weekend another one of your moves?”
“Oh!” I howled, totally hurt. “He took you out in the Mercedes? He really does like you. He won’t even take me in it.”
Theo held up his hands. “You’ll get paint and charcoal all over it. I can’t have that in my car.”
Oh, the bastard! But I looked down at my black stained hands and had to admit he had a point. “I don’t want to ride in your stupid car anyway.” Then I stuck my tongue out at him like when we were kids.
He smiled and stuck his tongue out, too. For a brief few seconds it was nice to have this carefree moment with my brother.
Then Allison had to go and ruin it all. “So what’s the deal with you two?” she asked, waving her water glass between Darcy and me. The room fell silent but she didn’t let it go. She cocked her head. “Obviously there’s history here.”
As uncomfortable as I was, I had to admit I was impressed by Allison’s ability to cut through the tension and get to the point of the problem. Theo stared at his feet, probably incredibly uncomfortable discussing his little sister’s love life, and Darcy shifted in his seat but didn’t speak a word.
That left me.
And really? I wanted to tell Allison our story. She was part of my life now and she needed to know how dark and twisted the Sutherland’s could be when it came to love. This was also my chance to shoot back at Darcy, remind him that for all his good intentions mine were just as important.
I smiled sadly as the words formed on the tip of my tongue. “I’m in love with Darcy and he’s in love with me, but we’re terrible to each other so it doesn’t work.”
“Terrible?”
I glanced over at Theo. “Some people are better together. You two are better.” I glanced from Theo to Allison. “I don’t know you, but I’d guess you aren’t quite this bold and frank on your own. He makes you feel powerful and confident. It’s there inside you, but because of him it becomes more of you. That’s good.” I smiled because I loved seeing how they complimented each other. I glanced back at Theo. “And him? He’s never happy. He’s never nice or thoughtful. Yeah, sure, he’s kind, but you can’t get close to the ice castle that is my brother.” I shook my head. “And then a month or so ago, it was like he had a personality transplant. He’s more like the boy I grew up with than the man I’ve been stuck with these last few years. I have a feeling I have you to thank for that.”
She smiled uncertainly, almost as if she could feel the impending turn in my words.
“But Darcy and me? We’re not like that. We’re chaos personified and we always have been.” My gaze drifted over toward him. He sat completely still, his eyes frozen on the glass in his hands. “It’s never good when you fall in love at thirteen.”
Color rose in Darcy’s cheeks. I was hurting him. I knew I was hurting him, but I kept talking anyway.
When I glanced back at Allison her eyes were wide with shock.
So I explained. “I’m a year younger than Theo and Darcy is six years old
er than him. I went with Father to something at school and Theo brought Darcy along. It was love at first sight.” I laughed softly. “Well, it was for me. I don’t think he looked at me twice until graduation day. But then of course, he took my brother and disappeared.”
A dozen memories of Darcy looking at me with hope and desire flashed through my mind as I picked through the memories, trying to find the right ones to explain our relationship without saying too much.
“They were in London four years later and Theo reached out. By that point I was eighteen and more in love than ever. More fucked up than ever, too.” I thought of that night when I’d nearly ended my life in Darcy’s arms. “It’s never a good combination when your big brother and the man you’re hopelessly in love with are working with drug dealers.”
“Stop,” Darcy whispered hoarsely, setting his glass on the table. “Please.”
I watched him slowly falling apart, his heart breaking as I forced him to remember that night. It was cruel, but it was also necessary. I was not good for Darcy. I never had been. For some reason he’d forgotten that.
I stood up. “Love can be as destructive as it can be healing. You’d do well to keep that in mind for the next few days,” I said to Allison. I truly believed she and Theo could be perfect for each other just as much as Darcy and I were terrible for each other. “These two have a way of fucking the people they love over.” And then I left without another look back at Darcy because I knew if I did, if I saw the way I’d just broken his heart, I would never recover.
And he would never move on.
* * *
I could hear every word they said out there in that sitting room. I heard Darcy growl at Allison before she left the room. I heard how much Darcy blamed himself for everything that had gone wrong between us. He spoke at length about the night I went to him in Edinburgh.
“She needed someone better,” he said. “I knew something was wrong and I damn well knew we weren’t ready…I ruined everything that night.”
