by Alexis Anne
“I didn’t stop you,” Theo said. “You were both adults and there has been a lot of years since then.”
“And if I’d been a better man I could have changed how a lot of those years went.”
“No. You couldn’t.” Theo insisted. “There isn’t a damn thing you or I could have done to change it. That’s why what we’re doing now is so important. We have to get off this fucking roller coaster.”
There was silence for a few minutes after that. I started to think they were getting ready to call it a night when Darcy spoke again. “I don’t think I can live without her, but I’m starting to think she can live without me.” His voice was thick with desperation.
“I’m so sorry,” Theo said, his voice muffled. “I wish I could tell you she’d get over this but I can’t. She’s too much like our mother—and she’d know that if she’d just pick up the fucking phone.”
I sat frozen in shock. Like our mother.
“What do you mean?” Darcy sounded as confused and hesitant as I felt inside.
“They both see the negative and they fixate on everything that could possibly go wrong instead of the good stuff. Take Michael for instance. Mother has never forgiven herself for leaving us behind, right?” he paused. “Well she keeps beating herself up over everything, including Michael being miserable. What she refuses to see is that he’s not miserable anymore. He’s happy. He’s alive because she stepped in. He lives on the other side of the world far away from our bastard father. He has his own life and he isn’t beholden to anyone. But she can’t see that. All she thinks about are the years he was unhappy. She doesn’t give herself any credit for giving him the life he has now.”
My heart thudded in my chest. These things Theo was saying…I understood them so well. Yes, I could clearly see how happy Michael was now and I knew from speaking with him that he wasn’t resentful of his childhood anymore. I didn’t understand how he could forget and move on, so I was angry on his behalf.
“That’s fucked up,” Darcy said. “And you’re right. That is exactly what Nik does to a fucking T. Why? Why do they do this to themselves?”
I strained to hear every word because I wanted to know the answer too.
Theo chuckled. “Because they’re Sutherland’s. We feel fucking everything, including love and hate. And those two wonderful women love fiercely. So fiercely they hurt themselves in the process. They take on the responsibility of keeping the people they love safe and protected.”
“Responsibility?”
My heart sank because Theo knew the truth. It sank even deeper because he was about to explain it to Darcy.
“Yeah,” Theo said. “I think that’s it. Nik loves you so damn much she feels responsible for your wellbeing. She sees all the bad that’s come into your life because of her and she wants to protect you.”
“Fuck,” Darcy drawled with a deep sigh. “You two are cut from the same damn cloth. The past is in the fucking past. You’re both missing the entire point of being alive.” I heard movement and assumed Darcy had stood up to leave. “Don’t throw away what you’ve got waiting for you in the next room, Theo. I’m sure as hell not.”
His heavy footsteps stormed down the hallway, going right past his door.
It took me a few moments longer than it should have to realize Darcy was coming to find me, and few more moments to realize I’d been crying, which left me with approximately zero seconds to clear my face.
In a panic I pulled my knees up to my chest and buried my face as if it would keep Darcy from knowing I’d cried. I had just enough time to steel myself when my door softly opened.
“You’re not ruining my life,” he murmured from my doorway. “Stop hiding behind that excuse.”
His voice was so soft and tender that it broke down even more of the bricks around my heart. “You don’t know that,” I said into my legs. “I might have saved you years of pain and suffering.”
“And you have no idea what we could have done together because you refused to give us a chance.”
It hurt because it was the truth.
I picked my head up and rested my chin on the tops of my knees, allowing him to see my tear stained face. “I’ve always done what I thought was best.”
“I know.” He moved inside and closed the door, sealing us inside the same small space.
Together.
“You say that like it doesn’t hurt you.”
He leaned against the dresser and crossed his arms. “Oh it hurts. It tears me in two that you don’t trust me enough to give us a shot. But it doesn’t change anything. Your mind is set. I did everything I could to change it. And when I realized there was nothing else I could do, I accepted reality. This is what you wanted. Us,” he waved one hand between us before re-crossing it under his arm, “apart is what you thought was best.”
“And what did you think was best?”
He stared me down, jaw ticking. “I can’t predict the future, babe. I can’t guarantee anything except that I love you and I know that us together will always be better than we could ever be apart.”
Fuck me. When did Darcy become such a romantic? When did he become so good with words? He was stripping me naked one sentence at a time. If he kept going I’d be defenseless.
Which, of course, was exactly what he wanted.
So I tried a different tactic. “Even if it got you killed?”
It didn’t work.
“Hell yes. I would rather have a short time with you than a lifetime apart.”
“Quality over quantity, huh?”
The corner of his lip quirked up. “I’d die for you, Nicki. Period. End of story. No questions asked. I’ve thought long and hard about who I am and what I want out of life. My choices are made with a clear head and a lifetime of experience behind them. I want you. I want to be together as a couple and I don’t want anything less.” He paused, one eyebrow kicking upward in challenge. “No matter the consequences.”
“No matter the consequences,” I repeated more to myself than anything else.
“Yeah. I just…” he sighed and when I looked up I found him staring off into space with a goofy grin on his face.
“You just, what?”
His grin widened. “If I say what I’m thinking out loud you’re going to hate me.” His eyes slid over to mine but the rest of him stayed frozen in place.
“You mean, hate you more than I already do?”
“Good point.” He hopped up and came to sit in front of me on the bed. His eyes dancing with mischief. “You already hate me, so what is there to lose…which is actually the point I was about to make.”
So serious and yet silly at the same time. I fell in love a little harder. “Are you going to get to this mysterious point?”
“What’s the worst than can happen?” He moved closer. Closer. “Life was already hard and I’ve done—as you so sweetly pointed out—a fantastic job of screwing it up even more. I don’t have much to lose, and neither do you. But we both have a hell of a lot to gain.” And then suddenly we were nose to nose as he looked deep into my eyes. “Stop being afraid of what might go wrong and start looking forward to what might go right.”
The last of my resolve started to slip away as his sweet words and pleading stare did me in. If he wanted this so desperately and he was going in with a clear head and knowledge of the consequences, then it was his choice not mine.
I slid a hand around his neck and threaded my fingers into his thick hair. His breathing immediately deepened. He was right…we’d been through hell. Bad parents, bad choices, bad luck, and yet, we still loved each other underneath it all. What else could happen that would be worse than what we’d already weathered? And did the fact that there was still love and hope inside us after all that mean something? Wasn’t that what real love was all about? Surviving the shit and managing to crawl out the other side together?
We weren’t a couple but we were most definitely not apart.
“And what might the future hold for us, Darcy?”
He sucked in a shaky breath, his lids growing heavy. “Life. You’re my best friend. Your smile makes everything better. Your art makes the world a better place. Living life without you at my side is a boring, sad version of what it should be.” He swallowed. “The future holds life for us, Nik.”
Life.
Short or long, I wanted him in it.
I did.
I just had to find a way to stop being so damn afraid.
“I don’t know how to do this.”
He smiled. “But I do. I can handle the navigation. You just have to agree to the ride.”
“Just like that?”
“Yeah, babe. Just like that.”
He made it sound easy but I knew it was anything but. Even if I trusted him and said yes, I would be worried. I’d second-guess. There was no way I could transform into a blissfully happy totally trusting woman overnight. It simply wasn’t who I was.
Not yet.
But I could try. “And what else?”
His eyes dropped to my lips. “Well, there’s the possibility of amazing sex.”
This time it was me taking a shaky breath. “Is that so?”
“Mmmm,” he nodded. “We were good together, but babe?”
“Yeah?”
“We barely got started.” He leaned into my palm. “And I’ve been studying.”
“Studying?” I laughed.
He nodded. “Yeah, I mean I had to do something with my cock while I waited around for you to want me again.”
I stilled and studied him carefully. “Wait…are you saying what I think you’re saying?” It wasn’t possible. Not Darcy. He loved sex.
He shook his head, eyes locked on mine. “There hasn’t been anyone else.”
I stopped breathing and blinked a thousand times as I tried to process what he was saying. But before I could even figure out how to suck air into my lungs I suddenly found myself being pulled by my ankles and then onto the flat of my back with Darcy prowling over top. He nudged my knees, asking for me to welcome him, which of course I did. Cradling Darcy between my legs was natural.
“There has been no one else,” he repeated as he settled his body on top of mine and brushed my hair off my shoulder. “My dick belongs to you. It has been inside no one else. I love you.”
I couldn’t breathe. The things he was saying were the sweetest things I’d ever heard. He didn’t just love me, he loved me. “I don’t know what to say right now.”
“I love you, would do nicely.” And then he dropped a soft sweet kiss onto my lips.
“Not even a quickie in a dark bathroom?”
He rolled his eyes. “Not even a quickie in a dark bathroom. Why would I?” He grinned. “Unless it was you asking for a quickie, which of course you never did do no matter how many times I fantasized about it.”
“Why?” I breathed out the word.
“Oh babe,” he shook his head tsking me. “How else was I supposed to finally get it through your gorgeous, thick skull that I’m not the enemy. I love you. I want you. I’m not a monster that requires women to be served up warm for my personal pleasure. I didn’t have sex with anyone else because the only person I want to have sex with is you.”
“Oh.”
He kissed me again.
I really liked being kissed again. “I didn’t either.”
He gave me a cocky quirk of his eyebrow. “I know. You love me.”
I opened my mouth, then snapped it shut, unsure of what I should say to that. I mean, I did love him. I did. But my brain hurt and my heart was acting strange. Flittering and fluttering one minute, then taking off the next.
“I know you love me,” he whispered, dropping the cocky act and growing serious. “Just like you know I love you. It’s fundamental, babe. It’s written in our DNA. Darcy loves Nicki and Nicki loves Darcy. It’s the way it was always meant to be. Stop fighting it.”
And then the sneaky bastard ground his hips against mine. My fingers tightened in his hair. “Oh God,” I hissed, my body lighting up.
“Do you remember how good we were together?”
I remembered a lot of things. “Yes.”
“Let me show you how much better we could be.”
I couldn’t quite catch my breath between the things he was doing to my body and the freak-out I was having in my head. “Why?” I panted. “Why do you think it will be better?”
He kissed the tip of my nose and smiled down at me with all the confidence in the universe. “Because eight years ago we were two scared, lost, clueless lovers. We’re natural together, Nicki. Of course we were good, but now? Now we’re older, wiser, and we know what the fuck we’re doing. It’s going to be amazing.”
I nodded, completely incapable of saying anything out loud, and for Darcy that was more than enough. He kissed me. Slow and deep. Our tongues colliding, relearning the touch and feel of our rhythm.
Oh how I missed him.
One kiss had turned into ten when music turned on next door. “Do you think we were being too loud?” I whispered.
“Do I look like I fucking care?”
No. No he did not. So I went back to kissing him and ignoring the music and all the things it was about to cover on both sides of the paper-thin wall.
I studied the rough edges of his muscles and realized he felt the same but different under my hands.
“What?” he growled.
I continued to study the scruff on his chin, tracing a line around his ear and down his neck to his shoulder. “Who is Darcy Higgins?”
“Who is Nicki Sutherland? I think we’re finally about to find out the answers to both those questions.”
My heart beat faster in my chest. With every passing second I was giving in more and more to this idea that I was going to be with Darcy. I felt a bizarre level of peace about making this choice. Maybe it was because he was so confident. Or maybe it was because it was inevitable. He said it was written in our DNA and I was starting to believe he was right.
“I love that I’ve known you for so long,” I met his gaze and smiled. “I love that no one knows you like I do. No matter what happens from here, there is no other woman who was there when you were that goofy college kid playing video games on my brother’s floor. No other woman saw the way you stood by Theo when everything fell apart.” I cupped his cheek. “No other women saw the man you’ve become. Just me.”
“Just you,” he whispered, sounding more than a little overwhelmed by my unexpected speech.
“But I’m also kind of excited.” And this was the scary part. The past was done and I could stand firm on my feelings about it. But the future? That had always been terrifying to me until a few minutes ago when Darcy swaggered in here with all his confidence and promises of a future better than the past.
“Why are you excited?”
“Because,” I kissed his lips, “I don’t know you and I think I’m going to like getting to know this man just as much.”
“Fuck, Nik.” He rolled off and pulled me into his arms in a crushing hug. “You really think we can do this?”
I laughed. “Aren’t you the one convincing me?”
“Oh, I’m convinced. I’m just surprised you are.”
I took a steadying breath as I stared into his eyes. “You’re a really good salesman and…”
“And?”
“And I don’t want to be scared anymore.”
He pressed his forehead against mine. “Don’t worry about your father.”
Startled, I opened my eyes and gazed up at him without pulling away. “It was never my father I was scared of Darcy.”
I could feel every breath, every beat of his heart as he held me against him. Connection like this was rare and we had it. I needed to believe someone as good as Darcy wouldn’t be fighting so hard for me if he had any inclination I might be as evil as Father.
To my surprise, hurt flashed in his eyes. “You never have to be scared of me. I couldn’t hurt you. It would kill me if I hurt you.”
Sca
red of Darcy? I ran my words back in my head and realized how they sounded to him. When I said I wasn’t afraid of Father he assumed I meant him instead.
“Oh no, Darcy. Me. I was afraid of me.”
He jerked back to get a better look at me. The shock and surprise on his face were a relief to see. “I don’t understand.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. The apology I’d imagined delivering a thousand times finally falling from my lips. “I’m so sorry for the things I said when you were hurt. I know you were just trying to help and I was so scared.” I cupped his face and pulled him back to me, squeezing my eyes shut against the shock in his eyes. “I didn’t want you to die and so I said those things to hurt you. I did it on purpose.”
He furrowed his brow in confusion, shaking his head several times before realization dawned. His shoulders dropped with a sigh. “Oh babe. You hold so much on your shoulders.” Then he took a deep breath and let it out with a huff. “Nicki, I forgive you. I forgave you as soon as you said those words. I knew what you were doing.” He shrugged. “Just like I’m pretty sure you knew I was lying when I walked out that door. We both said things we didn’t mean. That’s what you do when you’re scared of losing the only thing that matters to you.”
He tilted my face up for a kiss but stopped first to smile. “You are sweet and kind and care so much about me that you hurt me to save me. You’ve been watching out for me all these years. Nicki, if you think you have Donald’s blood running through your veins you’re wrong. You are nothing like him. He doesn’t have a kind bone in his body.”
I laughed. “You think being mean to you for eight years is sweet?”
“Well, I never want you to do it again but, yeah. You were sweet.” He kissed my forehead, then my lips. “No more talking. Apologies are done. I want to get to know the woman you’ve become.”
And without another word he ran the back of his knuckles down my throat and between my breasts, to the hem of my shirt. “May I?” I nodded permission and he slowly slid my shirt up and over my head.
That’s when it hit me: we were really doing this. All over again.
He groaned low in the back of his throat. “So I lied. One more apology,” he said with his eyes locked on my bare skin and his hands hovering inches away. “I’m really not going to last long. I’m sorry.” He squeezed his eyes shut and I swear he shuddered. “It just feels too good to touch you after all these years.”
