Penrod and Sam

by Booth Tarkington

  Produced by Ken Smidge

  PENROD AND SAM

  By Booth Tarkington

  Contents

  I. Penrod and Sam II. The Bonded Prisoner III. The Militarist IV. Bingism V. The In-Or-In VI. Georgie Becomes a Member VII. Whitey VIII. Salvage IX. Reward of Merit X. Conscience XI. The Tonic XII. Gipsy XIII. Concerning Trousers XIV. Camera Work in the Jungle XV. A Model Letter to a Friend XVI. Wednesday Madness XVII. Penrod's Busy Day XVIII. On Account of the Weather XIX. Creative Art XX. The Departing Guest XXI. Yearnings XXII. The Horn of Fame XXIII. The Party XXIV. The Heart of Marjorie Jones

  CHAPTER I. PENROD AND SAM

  During the daylight hours of several autumn Saturdays there had beensevere outbreaks of cavalry in the Schofield neighbourhood. The sabreswere of wood; the steeds were imaginary, and both were employed in agame called "bonded pris'ner" by its inventors, Masters Penrod Schofieldand Samuel Williams. The pastime was not intricate. When two enemiesmet, they fenced spectacularly until the person of one or the other wastouched by the opposing weapon; then, when the ensuing claims of foulplay had been disallowed and the subsequent argument settled, thecombatant touched was considered to be a prisoner until such time ashe might be touched by the hilt of a sword belonging to one of his ownparty, which effected his release and restored to him the full enjoymentof hostile activity. Pending such rescue, however, he was obliged toaccompany the forces of his captor whithersoever their strategicalnecessities led them, which included many strange places. For the gamewas exciting, and, at its highest pitch, would sweep out of an alleyinto a stable, out of that stable and into a yard, out of that yard andinto a house, and through that house with the sound (and effect uponfurniture) of trampling herds. In fact, this very similarity must havebeen in the mind of the distressed coloured woman in Mrs. Williams'skitchen, when she declared that she might "jes' as well try to cookright spang in the middle o' the stock-yards."

  All up and down the neighbourhood the campaigns were waged, accompaniedby the martial clashing of wood upon wood and by many clamorousarguments.

  "You're a pris'ner, Roddy Bitts!"

  "I am not!"

  "You are, too! I touched you."

  "Where, I'd like to know!"

  "On the sleeve."

  "You did not! I never felt it. I guess I'd 'a' felt it, wouldn't I?"

  "What if you didn't? I touched you, and you're bonded. I leave it to SamWilliams."

  "Yah! Course you would! He's on your side! _I_ leave it to Herman."

  "No, you won't! If you can't show any SENSE about it, we'll do it over,and I guess you'll see whether you feel it or not! There! NOW, I guessyou--"

  "Aw, squash!"

  Strangely enough, the undoubted champion proved to be the youngest anddarkest of all the combatants, one Verman, coloured, brother to Herman,and substantially under the size to which his nine years entitled him.Verman was unfortunately tongue-tied, but he was valiant beyond allothers, and, in spite of every handicap, he became at once the chiefsupport of his own party and the despair of the opposition.

  On the third Saturday this opposition had been worn down by thesuccessive captures of Maurice Levy and Georgie Bassett until itconsisted of only Sam Williams and Penrod. Hence, it behooved thesetwo to be wary, lest they be wiped out altogether; and Sam was dismayedindeed, upon cautiously scouting round a corner of his own stable, tofind himself face to face with the valorous and skilful Verman, who wasacting as an outpost, or picket, of the enemy.

  Verman immediately fell upon Sam, horse and foot, and Sam wouldhave fled but dared not, for fear he might be touched from the rear.Therefore, he defended himself as best he could, and there followed alusty whacking, in the course of which Verman's hat, a relic and toolarge, fell from his head, touching Sam's weapon in falling.

  "There!" panted Sam, desisting immediately. "That counts! You're bonded,Verman."

  "Aim meewer!" Verman protested.

  Interpreting this as "Ain't neither", Sam invented a law to suit theoccasion. "Yes, you are; that's the rule, Verman. I touched your hatwith my sword, and your hat's just the same as you."

  "Imm mop!" Verman insisted.

  "Yes, it is," said Sam, already warmly convinced (by his own statement)that he was in the right. "Listen here! If I hit you on the shoe, itwould be the same as hitting YOU, wouldn't it? I guess it'd count if Ihit you on the shoe, wouldn't it? Well, a hat's just the same as shoes.Honest, that's the rule, Verman, and you're a pris'ner."

  Now, in the arguing part of the game, Verman's impediment cooperatedwith a native amiability to render him far less effective than in theactual combat. He chuckled, and ceded the point.

  "Aw wi," he said, and cheerfully followed his captor to a hidden placeamong some bushes in the front yard, where Penrod lurked.

  "Looky what _I_ got!" Sam said importantly, pushing his captive intothis retreat. "NOW, I guess you won't say I'm not so much use any more!Squat down, Verman, so's they can't see you if they're huntin' for us.That's one o' the rules--honest. You got to squat when we tell you to."

  Verman was agreeable. He squatted, and then began to laugh uproariously.

  "Stop that noise!" Penrod commanded. "You want to betray us? What youlaughin' at?"

  "Ep mack im mimmup," Verman giggled.

  "What's he mean?" Sam asked.

  Penrod was more familiar with Verman's utterance, and he interpreted.

  "He says they'll get him back in a minute."

  "No, they won't. I'd just like to see--"

  "Yes, they will, too," Penrod said. "They'll get him back for the mainand simple reason we can't stay here all day, can we? And they'd find usanyhow, if we tried to. There's so many of 'em against just us two, theycan run in and touch him soon as they get up to us--and then HE'LL beafter us again and--"

  "Listen here!" Sam interrupted. "Why can't we put some REAL bonds onhim? We could put bonds on his wrists and around his legs--we could put'em all over him, easy as nothin'. Then we could gag him--"

  "No, we can't," said Penrod. "We can't, for the main and simple reasonwe haven't got any rope or anything to make the bonds with, have we? Iwish we had some o' that stuff they give sick people. THEN, I bet theywouldn't get him back so soon!"

  "Sick people?" Sam repeated, not comprehending.

  "It makes 'em go to sleep, no matter what you do to 'em," Penrodexplained. "That's the main and simple reason they can't wake up, andyou can cut off their ole legs--or their arms, or anything you want to."

  "Hoy!" exclaimed Verman, in a serious tone. His laughter ceasedinstantly, and he began to utter a protest sufficiently intelligible.

  "You needn't worry," Penrod said gloomily. "We haven't got any o' thatstuff; so we can't do it."

  "Well, we got to do sumpthing," Sam said.

  His comrade agreed, and there was a thoughtful silence; but presentlyPenrod's countenance brightened.

  "I know!" he exclaimed. "_I_ know what we'll do with him. Why, I thoughtof it just as EASY! I can most always think of things like that, for themain and simple reason--well, I thought of it just as soon--"

  "Well, what is it?" Sam demanded crossly. Penrod's reiteration of hisnew-found phrase, "for the main and simple reason", had been growingmore and more irksome to his friend all day, though Sam was notdefinitely aware that the phrase was the cause of his annoyance. "WHATare we goin' to do with him, you know so much?"

  Penrod rose and peered over the tops of the bushes, shading his eyeswith his hand, a gesture that was unnecessary but had a good appearance.He looked all round about him in this manner, finally vouchsafing areport to the impatient Sam.

  "No enemies in sight--just for the
main and simple reason I expectthey're all in the alley and in Georgie Bassett's backyard."

  "I bet they're not!" Sam said scornfully, his irritation much increased."How do YOU know so much about it?"

  "Just for the main and simple reason," Penrod replied, with dignifiedfinality.

  And at that, Sam felt a powerful impulse to do violence upon the personof his comrade-in-arms. The emotion that prompted this impulse was soprimitive and straightforward that it almost resulted in action; but Samhad a vague sense that he must control it as long as he could.

  "Bugs!" he said.

  Penrod was sensitive, and this cold word hurt him. However, he wasunder the domination of his strategic idea, and he subordinated privategrievance to the common weal. "Get up!" he commanded. "You get up, too,Verman. You got to--it's the rule. Now here I'll SHOW you what we'regoin' to do. Stoop over, and both o' you do just exackly like _I_ do.You watch ME, because this biz'nuss has got to be done RIGHT!"

  Sam muttered something; he was becoming more insurgent every moment, buthe obeyed. Likewise, Verman rose to his feet, ducked his head betweenhis shoulders, and trotted out to the sidewalk at Sam's heels, bothfollowing Penrod and assuming a stooping position in imitation of him.Verman was delighted with this phase of the game, and, also, he wasprofoundly amused by Penrod's pomposity. Something dim and deep withinhim perceived it to be cause for such merriment that he had ado tomaster himself, and was forced to bottle and cork his laughter with bothhands. They proved insufficient; sputterings burst forth between hisfingers.

  "You stop that!" Penrod said, looking back darkly upon the prisoner.

  Verman endeavoured to oblige, though giggles continued to leak from himat intervals, and the three boys stole along the fence in single file,proceeding in this fashion until they reached Penrod's own front gate.Here the leader ascertained, by a reconnaissance as far as thecorner, that the hostile forces were still looking for them in anotherdirection. He returned in a stealthy but important manner to hisdisgruntled follower and the hilarious captive.

  "Well," said Sam impatiently, "I guess I'm not goin' to stand aroundhere all day, I guess! You got anything you want to do, why'n't you goon and DO it?"

  Penrod's brow was already contorted to present the appearance ofdetached and lofty concentration--a histrionic failure, since it did notdeceive the audience. He raised a hushing hand.

  "SH!" he murmured. "I got to think."

  "Bugs!" the impolite Mr. Williams said again.

  Verman bent double, squealing and sputtering; indeed, he was ultimatelyforced to sit upon the ground, so exhausting was the mirth to which henow gave way. Penrod's composure was somewhat affected and he showedannoyance.

  "Oh, I guess you won't laugh quite so much about minute from now, oleMister Verman!" he said severely. "You get up from there and do like Itell you."

  "Well, why'n't you TELL him why he won't laugh so much, then?" Samdemanded, as Verman rose. "Why'n't you do sumpthing and quit talkin' somuch about it?"

  Penrod haughtily led the way into the yard.

  "You follow me," he said, "and I guess you'll learn a little sense!"

  Then, abandoning his hauteur for an air of mystery equally irritatingto Sam, he stole up the steps of the porch, and, after a moment'smanipulation of the knob of the big front door, contrived to operate thefastenings, and pushed the door open.

  "Come on," he whispered, beckoning. And the three boys mounted thestairs to the floor above in silence--save for a belated giggle onthe part of Verman, which was restrained upon a terrible gesture fromPenrod. Verman buried his mouth as deeply as possible in a raggedsleeve, and confined his demonstrations to a heaving of the stomach anddiaphragm.

  Penrod led the way into the dainty room of his nineteen-year-old sister,Margaret, and closed the door.

  "There," he said, in a low and husky voice, "I expect you'll see whatI'm goin' to do now!"

  "Well, what?" the skeptical Sam asked. "If we stay here very long yourmother'll come and send us downstairs. What's the good of--"

  "WAIT, can't you?" Penrod wailed, in a whisper. "My goodness!" And goingto an inner door, he threw it open, disclosing a clothes-closet hungwith pretty garments of many kinds, while upon its floor were two rowsof shoes and slippers of great variety and charm.

  A significant thing is to be remarked concerning the door of thissomewhat intimate treasury: there was no knob or latch upon the innerside, so that, when the door was closed, it could be opened only fromthe outside.

  "There!" said Penrod. "You get in there, Verman, and I'll bet they won'tget to touch you back out o' bein' our pris'ner very soon, NOW! Oh, Iguess not!"

  "Pshaw!" said Sam. "Is that all you were goin' to do? Why, yourmother'll come and make him get out the first--"

  "No, she won't. She and Margaret have gone to my aunt's in the country,and aren't goin' to be back till dark. And even if he made a lot o'noise, it's kind of hard to hear anything from in there, anyway, whenthe door's shut. Besides, he's got to keep quiet--that's the rule,Verman. You're a pris'ner, and it's the rule you can't holler ornothin'. You unnerstand that, Verman?"

  "Aw wi," said Verman.

  "Then go on in there. Hurry!"

  The obedient Verman marched into the closet and sat down among the shoesand slippers, where he presented an interesting effect of contrast. Hewas still subject to hilarity--though endeavouring to suppress it bymeans of a patent-leather slipper--when Penrod closed the door.

  "There!" said Penrod, leading the way from the room. "I guess NOW yousee!"

  Sam said nothing, and they came out to the open air and reached theirretreat in the Williams' yard again, without his having acknowledgedPenrod's service to their mutual cause.

  "I thought of that just as easy!" Penrod remarked, probably promptedto this odious bit of complacency by Sam's withholding the praise thatmight naturally have been expected. And he was moved to add, "I guessit'd of been a pretty long while if we'd had to wait for you to think ofsomething as good as that, Sam."

  "Why would it?" Sam asked. "Why would it of been such a long while?"

  "Oh," Penrod responded airily, "just for the main and simple reason!"

  Sam could bear it no longer. "Oh, hush up!" he shouted.

  Penrod was stung. "Do you mean ME?" he demanded.

  "Yes, I do!" the goaded Sam replied.

  "Did you tell ME to hush up?"

  "Yes, I did!"

  "I guess you don't know who you're talkin' to," Penrod said ominously."I guess I just better show you who you're talkin' to like that. I guessyou need a little sumpthing, for the main and simple--"

  Sam uttered an uncontrollable howl and sprang upon Penrod, catching himround the waist. Simultaneously with this impact, the wooden swords spunthrough the air and were presently trodden underfoot as the two boyswrestled to and fro.

  Penrod was not altogether surprised by the onset of his friend. He hadbeen aware of Sam's increasing irritation (though neither boy couldhave clearly stated its cause) and that very irritation produced acorresponding emotion in the bosom of the irritator. Mentally, Penrodwas quite ready for the conflict--nay, he welcomed it--though, for thefirst few moments, Sam had the physical advantage.

  However, it is proper that a neat distinction be drawn here. This wasa conflict; but neither technically nor in the intention of thecontestants was it a fight. Penrod and Sam were both in a state of highexasperation, and there was great bitterness; but no blows fell and notears. They strained, they wrenched, they twisted, and they panted andmuttered: "Oh, no, you don't!" "Oh, I guess I do!" "Oh, you will, willyou?" "You'll see what you get in about a minute!" "I guess you'll learnsome sense this time!"

  Streaks and blotches began to appear upon the two faces, where colourhad been heightened by the ardent application of a cloth sleeve orshoulder, while ankles and insteps were scraped and toes were trampled.Turf and shrubberies suffered, also, as the struggle went on, untilfinally the wrestlers pitched headlong into a young lilac bush, and cameto earth together, among its cr
ushed and sprawling branches.

  "OOCH!" and "WUF!" were the two exclamations which marked this episode,and then, with no further comment, the struggle was energeticallycontinued upon a horizontal plane. Now Penrod was on top, now Sam; theyrolled, they squirmed, they suffered. And this contest endured. It wenton and on, and it was impossible to imagine its coming to a definitetermination. It went on so long that to both the participants it seemedto be a permanent thing, a condition that had always existed and thatmust always exist perpetually.

  And thus they were discovered by a foray of the hostile party, headedby Roddy Bitts and Herman (older brother to Verman) and followed by thebonded prisoners, Maurice Levy and Georgie Bassett. These and otherscaught sight of the writhing figures, and charged down upon them withloud cries of triumph.

  "Pris'ner! Pris'ner! Bonded pris'ner!" shrieked Roddy Bitts, and touchedPenrod and Sam, each in turn, with his sabre. Then, seeing that theypaid no attention and that they were at his mercy, he recalled the factthat several times, during earlier stages of the game, both of them hadbeen unnecessarily vigorous in "touching" his own rather plump person.Therefore, the opportunity being excellent, he raised his weapon again,and, repeating the words "bonded pris'ner" as ample explanation of hisdeed, brought into play the full strength of his good right arm. He usedthe flat of the sabre.

  WHACK! WHACK! Roddy was perfectly impartial. It was a cold-bloodedperformance and even more effective than he anticipated. For one thing,it ended the civil war instantly. Sam and Penrod leaped to their feet,shrieking and bloodthirsty, while Maurice Levy capered with joy, Hermanwas so overcome that he rolled upon the ground, and Georgie Bassettremarked virtuously:

  "It serves them right for fighting."

  But Roddy Bitts foresaw that something not within the rules of the gamewas about to happen.

  "Here! You keep away from me!" he quavered, retreating. "I was justtakin' you pris'ners. I guess I had a right to TOUCH you, didn't I?"

  Alas! Neither Sam nor Penrod was able to see the matter in that light.They had retrieved their own weapons, and they advanced upon Roddy witha purposefulness that seemed horrible to him.

  "Here! You keep away from me!" he said, in great alarm. "I'm goin'home."

  He did go home--but only subsequently. What took place before hisdeparture had the singular solidity and completeness of systematicviolence; also, it bore the moral beauty of all actions that lead topeace and friendship, for, when it was over, and the final vocalizationsof Roderick Magsworth Bitts, Junior, were growing faint with increasingdistance, Sam and Penrod had forgotten their differences and felt welldisposed toward each other once more. All their animosity was exhausted,and they were in a glow of good feeling, though probably they were notconscious of any direct gratitude to Roddy, whose thoughtful opportunismwas really the cause of this happy result.