Dirty

by R. L. Kenderson

  Luke gave her a single nod, and then he left. The door shut quietly behind him, and a few seconds later, she heard the sound of his SUV starting. As the sound of the engine faded, Elise slipped down against the cupboards onto the floor where she buried her face in her hands and let the tears finally flow.

  Luke slammed his fist against the steering wheel and cursed his fate.

  After Ava, he’d thought he would never get involved with another girl like that again, yet here he was. All the things Elise had said about their relationship were really about him. She knew he’d slept around in college, but now, apparently, it changed things.

  He didn’t know what had made her change her mind, but at this point, it didn’t really matter. He shouldn’t want to be with someone who thought that way about him.

  Luke picked up his phone and dialed Nate.

  “Yo?”

  “You up for drinking tonight?”

  “Sure. Any special reason?”

  “Nope,” he lied.

  “Text me the deets, and I’ll meet up with you.”

  “Good.” Luke hung up his phone and threw it on the passenger seat.

  Luke was going to get rip-roaring drunk tonight. Then, maybe he’d forget that, once again, he wasn’t good enough for the girl he loved.

  Elise stared at her television, not really paying attention to what was playing. She was tired, but she knew she wouldn’t sleep. She had been like this for the last week. Since Luke had walked out of her house. Despite going to work every day and then coming home and working on her new house until she was exhausted, sleep had been eluding her.

  Every time she lay down, she would go over and over her last conversation with Luke. And then she would question whether or not she’d done the right thing. But, whenever she thought about picking up the phone to call him, she would hear her mother’s voice in her head. Over and over again. It was a vicious cycle, and she was seriously considering a lobotomy.

  Elise heard her front door open and close, and even though she knew it had been locked, she couldn’t muster up any fear that someone was breaking in.

  Bring it on. She was ready for a fight.

  Rachel came around the corner and stopped when she saw Elise. Her expression turned to pity, and for the first time, Elise wanted to punch her friend. Pity was the worst.

  “Remind me to take your key away,” Elise said.

  Ignoring Elise’s bad mood, Rachel came further into the room and sat next to Elise. “What the hell is going on?”

  Elise looked around the room and back at Rachel. “Uh, nothing. Just watching some TV.”

  Rachel raised her eyebrows. “Don’t be a wiseass. You know what I mean. What’s going on with you and Luke?”

  Elise sank down into the couch. “Nothing. I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Too bad. When I come in here on a Friday night to see you staring off into space with your sweats on, your hair looking like you didn’t brush it all day, and tearstains on your cheeks, I’m going to talk to you. All you’re missing is a bucket of ice cream and a roll of cookie dough. So, what gives, Elise?”

  She absolutely did not want to talk about this. Besides Kristen and James, no one knew what her mother had said to her at the restaurant. It was humiliating, and Elise was too ashamed to tell her friend.

  “Nothing.”

  “What if I told you I already know? Some of it anyway.”

  No way. “How?”

  “I called your sister.”

  Elise groaned. “Why?”

  “Because you won’t talk to me. You don’t want to hang out. You just sit at home every night.”

  “I do not. I’ve been busy unpacking and putting all my crap away.”

  “That’s just an excuse not to deal with anything.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Do you want to talk about what your mother said to you?”

  Fuck no. “Fuck no.”

  “Tough.”

  Elise realized Rachel wasn’t going to leave until she talked to her. “Fine. My mother said some mean things to me, yes. She really hurt my feelings, and what’s worse is that she is right.”

  “What did she say to you, Elise?”

  “I thought you already knew.”

  “I want to hear you say it.”

  Elise sighed. “She basically called me a slut and said no man would ever take me seriously or see me as a wife and mother. That she hoped that someone would take pity on me and marry me someday. I just couldn’t let things get any further with Luke, knowing it would eventually end anyway.”

  Rachel grimaced. “Oh, man, Elise, that is harsh.”

  Elise shrugged. “It’s true.”

  “Wait a second. If that’s true for you, then it must be true for me, too.”

  Elise vehemently shook her head. “No. You and Sean dated for, like, a month before you slept with him. You made Sean wait. You made him work for it. You showed him that you were worth it in the end. I think you even met his family before you slept together.”

  Rachel put her fingers to her temples. “I am a little confused. I need to process this for a second.” After about a minute, Rachel said, “Okay, so you think, because you and Luke had a one-night stand, he will only ever see you as someone like that and will never see you as someone good enough to bring home to his mom and dad.”

  “Yeah. You get it. It’s not that confusing.”

  “That’s bullshit. You know your parents are archaic in their thinking.”

  “I thought so, too, so I decided to look up articles on the internet. Instead of reassuring me, they basically confirmed what my mother had said.”

  “Don’t you think that should be for Luke to decide instead of you just assuming he felt that way?”

  Elise wanted to cry again. If she looked at Rachel, she would, so she focused on the TV instead. “But what if it’s all subconscious? What if he doesn’t even realize he feels that way? Not until years later when he meets some nice virginal librarian who makes him wait a year before having sex with him, and when she does, it’s strictly missionary and for procreation only. And he realizes that he doesn’t want to be with some dirty slut who put out the first night.”

  “Holy shit. Your parents screwed you up more than I thought. And I swear to God, Elise, if you call yourself a slut one more time, I’m going to slap you.”

  Elise shrank back, a little afraid of her friend. Elise had several inches and several pounds on Rachel, but she had a feeling her friend would win if they actually got in a fight.

  “Do you really think women who sleep around are sluts?”

  Elise sighed. “No. Of course not. Women should be able to be with who they want, when they want.”

  “Good. Now, did you know that, when Sean and I started dating, he was the one who made me wait? I was ready to sleep with him on the first date.”

  “No. I had no idea.”

  “That’s because I was a little embarrassed that he’d turned me down, and I didn’t want anyone to know.”

  “Wow.”

  “Yeah. So, do you think I’m a slut?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Now, we’re getting somewhere.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “So, if I’m not a slut and women who sleep around aren’t sluts, why are you?”

  Elise knew Rachel had a point, but she didn’t have an answer. “I don’t know.”

  “Going all the way back to college, did you ever notice that the guys you liked having sex with were never really serious relationships? And that you only seriously dated guys who were boring in bed?”

  “Yeah, I kind of realized that this summer, but so what?”

  “Luke is the first guy you’ve enjoyed sex with, the first guy you’ve been yourself with, and the first you’ve dared to call your boyfriend. And I think it scares the shit out of you. I think your parents have gotten so far in your head that you don’t even realize that you have some weird thing where you think you can’t be yours
elf in the bedroom and be worthy of dating. You want to be this twenty-first century feminist woman who does what she wants, but deep down, you think that a wife and mother has to be sweet and demure in the bedroom.”

  Elise put her head back against the couch and thought about what her friend had said. Had she really thought that? It would explain her sexual and dating history.

  “Elise?”

  She lifted her head and looked at Rachel.

  “It’s really okay to like sex. And I bet that is one of the things Luke likes about you. He likes you because you like sex, not in spite of you liking sex. Elise, so what if you’re dirty in bed? Just because you’re dirty, it doesn’t mean you’re dirty. No matter what your mother would like for you to believe.”

  Elise didn’t reply because her mind was spinning. She never really realized how much her upbringing had affected her. She’d thought that she had thrown that all aside, but it clearly still influenced the way she thought about herself.

  “Look, hon, I just want you to think about what I said, okay?”

  “I will.”

  Rachel looked at her with speculation.

  “I promise. You really have given me a lot to think about.”

  Rachel sighed with relief. “Good, because I hate to see you and Luke miserable.”

  “Luke’s miserable?”

  Rachel nodded sadly. “Sean can’t get much out of him, but apparently, you and Luke have a lot in common because Luke has been working doubles at the hospital. Sean thinks he’s been using work to try to forget about you. What did you say to him?”

  “Something along the lines of how we shouldn’t have jumped into bed and that I didn’t realize it would mean our relationship wasn’t good enough. And that having multiple partners was bad for our relationship.”

  “Did you say you having multiple partners or Luke having multiple partners?”

  “Neither. I was a little general on the whole subject because I was too embarrassed to come out and say that my sexual history was the reason our relationship was doomed.” Elise thought about it. “My mom and dad really did kind of mess with my head, huh?”

  Rachel snorted. “Ya think? But back to you and Luke. Do you think he might have thought you meant him and his sexual history?”

  “What?” Elise was shaken. “No. Why would he think that? Guys sleep around all the time. It’s women who have the stigma attached to them.”

  “Well, hon, you didn’t get involved with Luke in the past because he was a player. Maybe he thinks that it made you change your mind about him. Did you ever think that maybe Luke thinks he’s not the one who is good enough to marry? That maybe, because of his past, he thinks that you think he’s not worthy of being a husband and father?”

  Elise shook her head. “No, he can’t.” She did not want to think of Luke feeling the horrible pain she had this past week.

  “He can, Elise, and there’s a big chance he does.”

  Elise just couldn’t wrap her mind around it. Everyone loved Luke. How could he ever think badly of himself?

  Rachel patted Elise’s knee. “I see I’ve given you even more to think about. I’m going to go for now.”

  Elise looked at her friend from where she’d been staring off into space.

  “Call me next time you feel this way. I won’t judge you, sweetie. That’s why we’re friends. You don’t judge me, and I don’t judge you. Okay?”

  Elise nodded once. “Okay.”

  Rachel hugged her. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too. Thank you.”

  Rachel leaned away. “You’re welcome.”

  Rachel left, and Elise shut off her television and walked slowly up to her bedroom. She had a lot of information to process, and she knew she needed to talk to Luke. No matter what, she needed to make sure he understood where she’d been coming from.

  For the first time all week, Elise actually slept.

  The next evening, Elise got home from visiting Kristen and threw her purse on her kitchen counter. It had been a good visit. Kristen was doing well. Her sister and James’s news to his parents hadn’t gone very well either, but it had ended better than their conversation with Elise’s parents.

  Kristen and James had sat Jennifer down and told her they were getting divorced, and she had taken the news amazingly well. Then again, Elise hadn’t expected much less from her awesome niece.

  Kristen had asked Elise how she was doing, and she had ended up pouring her heart out to her sister. They’d cried together, and Kristen had agreed with Rachel one hundred and ten percent. Kristen hadn’t realized how much Elise had been affected by their parents, too. The two sisters had really bonded over everything they’d been through lately, and Elise had never felt closer to her sister. It was the one good thing to come out of it all.

  Elise’s phone chimed with her text message notification, and she hoped that it was Luke. She’d been trying to contact him all day, but she hadn’t heard anything back. She pulled her phone out of her purse and saw that it was Nate. When she hadn’t been able to get ahold of Luke, she’d resorted to using his friend.

  Nate: Hey, I found Luke.

  Elise: You did? Why won’t he answer me?

  Nate: I honestly don’t know if he’s looked at his phone much. He might be avoiding it.

  Crap.

  That wasn’t a good sign. He had to have either called Nate or answered Nate’s phone call. He had to have seen that Elise had texted and called him. She suspected Nate was trying to be diplomatic.

  Nate: But, listen, I need you to get dressed and come downtown to the nightclub Pulse.

  Elise: Why?

  Was Luke even with Nate?

  Nate: I don’t have time to explain, but if you care about Luke at all, you will come down here right now.

  Oh no. What was going on with Luke? Was he okay? Had something happened to him?

  Elise: You have to give me something. I can’t walk in blind.

  Elise waited, but Nate didn’t reply right away. When he did, it only worried her more.

  Nate: Promise you’ll come, no matter what.

  Wild dogs couldn’t stop her.

  Elise: I promise.

  Nate: Ava’s here, and she’s trying to get Luke to leave with her. She’s using Luke to cheat on her husband. If this happens, Luke will never forgive himself. I need you to get your ass down here. Now.

  Elise: I’m on my way.

  Elise walked into Pulse, ready to take on the world. She’d put on her makeup, giving herself a sexy nighttime look. She’d found her slinkiest dress and her favorite heels. But, before that, she’d dressed herself in her favorite bra and underwear.

  A few days after Luke had come to her house, she’d received a package in the mail with the underwear she’d lost at Luke’s all those weeks ago. He had sent a simple note with them.

  Cleaning lady found these. Thought I’d better return them to you.

  —Luke

  Tonight, she’d put them on with the intention of giving them back to him.

  Nate met her at the door, kissing her cheek. “Damn, girl, you look good. Luke is going to come just from seeing you.” Nate had to talk loud to be heard over the music.

  Elise laughed and couldn’t deny that the compliment lifted her spirits. “Thanks, Nate. You know just what to say to a lady.”

  “Yeah, well, I told Luke, if he didn’t marry you, I would.”

  Elise swallowed and forced a casual laugh. She knew Nate and Luke had been joking around, but she still anticipated Luke’s response. “What did he say?”

  “He told me that, if I touched you, he’d break both my arms.”

  Elise couldn’t help it. She grinned.

  “Come on,” Nate said. “Let’s go find Luke. Just giving you a warning. I might need to talk to him first.”

  She nodded. That didn’t sound promising.

  Nate put his arm around her. It was more friendly than sexual. It was easier to stay together with the crowd of people there tonight,
and it seemed like Nate was offering Elise his support.

  As they moved to the other side of the room, she saw Luke before he saw her. He was sitting in a booth, and there was a beautiful woman with long dark hair next to him. She was one of those lucky people who could have black hair and pale skin and make it look good. Elise had dyed her hair dark once, and she’d looked like a vampire. This woman also managed to pull off a deep red lipstick and made it look classy. And her breasts, which had to be fake, were on display in a fashionable way. She was way prettier than Elise, and she knew this was Ava.

  Elise hated her on sight.

  Part of it was jealousy, and part of it was because Ava had made Luke feel less than when he was way better than her.

  Luke gently eased the other woman away, as if he was trying to be polite yet, at the same time, letting her know that he didn’t want her touching him.

  Elise snickered to herself. Luke didn’t want Ava, even with Elise out of the picture.

  The closer they got to the booths, the softer the music got, so it was a little easier to hear conversations over on this side of the room.

  “Luke, my date is here,” Nate said with a joking voice as they approached.

  Luke looked up from his phone.

  So much for him not seeing my messages.

  His look went from anticipation to what Elise could only describe as no emotion. His eyes were so cold that it made her want to get on her knees and beg for the old Luke to come back.

  Elise quickly shook her head to let Luke know she wasn’t Nate’s date, but he stared right through her, and she began to doubt that it had been a good idea for her to come here. She didn’t know if Luke would hear her out.

  Ava looked Elise up and down and then smiled, but it was filled with judgment, obviously finding Elise lacking.

  Bitch.

  “Ava,” Nate said, “I have to talk to Luke alone.”

  “Nah, I think everyone’s said everything they wanted to,” Luke said, finally meeting Elise’s eyes.

  Nate ignored Luke. “Ava, go.”

  Ava huffed, but she got up. She looked at Elise. “We might as well get a drink.”

  Elise looked to the guys.