The Fear That Divides Us

by M. N. Forgy

  “Had company,” I declare, glaring right back.

  Hawk chuckles.

  “You aren’t going to say Doc visited you again, are you?” he questions, his tone disbelieving. His beard twitches back and forth over his mouth as if he’s chewing on something, but I don’t see any food around him. He does it a lot, and it’s fucking irritating. I look at him, curious as to why he would ask if Doc visited me last night, he hardly talks to me.

  “Why, you wouldn’t be jealous would you?” I ask, shifting on my feet, leaning against the counter.

  Hawk tosses a newspaper my way and chuckles. I raise an eyebrow at him and grab it, shaking it to smooth out the wrinkles.

  Front page is Jessica and some guy walking out of a coffee shop. Headlines, in big black letters reading

  HOLLYWOOD’S FINEST OFF THE MARKET.

  My eyes bulge as I pull the paper close, reading the fine print. It says Doctor Shane Meldon has been said to be engaged to Doctor Jessica Wren. Resources say, he bought a ring yesterday before the date.

  I grip the sides of the paper angrily. My nose flaring from rage, a burning building in my chest. What the fuck? She went on a date, got engaged, then came and laid in my bed? Let me fuck her, all the while wearing a fucking engagement ring?

  ***

  Me: We need to talk, now!

  Jessica: I’m working.

  Me: Either you come out to the parking lot, or I’m coming in.

  I lean against Jessica’s blue Jeep. Anger searing through my body, and a million thoughts swimming through my mind. I’ll give her two minutes to get her ass out here to explain, and then I’m going into that hospital and confronting her. I know Jessica and I are not exclusive, but I thought I meant something to her to where she would tell me if she was in a serious relationship, before fucking me.

  I push off the Jeep; her time is up. I can’t wait here for two fucking minutes. I take a few steps and find Jessica walking out of the hospital.

  “What the hell, Bobby?” Jessica questions, her arms held out on each side as she walks toward me. I pull the rolled up newspaper from the back of my jeans pocket and throw it at her.

  She huffs, leans over, and picks it up.

  Her eyes widen, and she brings the paper closer, wrinkles forming in the corner of her eyes as she squints at the paper puzzled. I tilt my head to the side, confused at her reaction.

  She shakes her head back and forth, her lips pursed. “It’s not true,” she states, still looking at the paper.

  I snort. “So you’re saying you didn’t get engaged. The paper is lying?” I question, my tone disbelieving.

  “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, it’s all bullshit,” she replies, her forehead creasing with irritation. Nothing is any of my business, a line I hear from her more often than not.

  I walk up to her, and get right in her face. My vision blurring from the fury running through my veins.

  “It is my fucking business when you crawl in my bed with a fucking engagement ring on your hand, and come on my cock!” I yell, my face inches from hers.

  “I’m not engaged to anybody!” she screams back at me, showing me her hand.

  Relief floods my system, my head that was once pounding from the rush of blood flowing through me dissipating. I take a deep breath, and back away from Jessica.

  “Who is this guy?” I ask, nodding toward the paper in her hands. He has to be someone important for cameras to be following him around taking his picture.

  She looks back at the paper, and shakes her head. “Just some guy I work with,” she remarks. I turn looking at the parking lot, and inhale sharply. I’m angry, more than I have ever been. The idea of Jessica being engaged, or dating someone so serious has my entire world at an end. But still, why did she come to my bed last night if she had a date with that guy? Does she do this often?

  “Was he why you came to my bed last night?” Her head snaps up from the paper, her eyes pinning me down as her eyebrows furrow inward. She looks around her, and walks closer.

  “What? Is that another one of your hard limits? We’re not supposed to talk about us?” I question, my tone harsh. She opens her mouth to reply, but I cut her off. “You can’t be seen with the likes of an outlaw is what this is all about, what it’s ever been about,” I announce, damn near shouting.

  “Why are you acting like this?” Jessica tilts her head to the side, her eyes scanning my puffed-out chest, and curled fists. I have never behaved like this before; my emotions have me acting like an idiot.

  “Do you talk to him? Do you tell him things you won’t tell me?” I stalk toward her, and lean in close, lifting her chin with my finger. I want her to look me in the eyes when she answers me.

  “This is enough. I need to get back to work,” Jessica states, jerking her chin from my hold, and handing me the newspaper. I scoff. Typical Jessica. If I start asking any questions, she bails. When is enough, enough?

  I inhale deeply, trying to calm myself. “All I have ever wanted was to protect you, and all I ever asked in return was for you to be open with me,” I mutter.

  She has never opened up to me. Not ever. Last night when she asked if I knew her, I was shocked. Her tone was sentimental yet desperate. It wasn’t like Jessica, not at all. She took my dick like it was her lifeline last night.

  “Bobby, you and I both know what we were getting into when we started sleeping with each other. There is nothing between us and never will be. There can’t be,” she replies softly, her words angering me.

  I always thought we were just denying that we wanted nothing more than to be friends, saving ourselves from the reality of what could happen if we didn’t work out. But hearing her say those words without so much as a blink of an eye, feels like a bullet to the fucking chest, releasing the reality that I am nothing to Jessica and never will be.

  I look back at her, her arms crossed in front of her, her blonde hair blowing with the breeze. I glance back at myself, all puffed out and angry. I’ve lost control. I’ve fucking snapped. I can’t do this anymore.

  “We are done,” I mutter.

  “What?” she asks frazzled, her eyes widening at my statement.

  “You don’t want anything from your life to be my business. Don’t want to tell me anything about your past, even though it was me who got you away from your past!” I shout. “Let me make it easy for you. We. Are. Done,” I snap, my jaw ticking.

  “Bobby,” Jessica cries out, her tone distraught. I throw my hand up dismissing her, walking back to my bike.

  I slam my helmet on my head, looking at Jessica’s pleading eyes as I start my bike. My heart is hammering against my chest and my body is sweating with my impulsive outburst. I don’t want to walk away from Jessica. I don’t want us to be over. But she has clearly made her mind up about me; that I am nothing more than a good fuck. I’m done taking the attention she throws my way. I need more from her. Me ending us will either have her step outside her comfort zone and give me more of her, or it will end us indefinitely. My chest tightens with that last thought, my hand itching to pull my helmet off and go cradle Jessica in her distressed state. All I have ever wanted was to keep her safe, make her happy. But how can I when she won’t let me in at all? It doesn’t have anything to do with crossing the line and complicating things. It’s about trust. I blow out a breath, look away from her, and drive from my parking spot.

  5

  Jessica

  Is he serious? Is he walking away from me and leaving me? My chest burns and my throat constricts from the emotions bubbling up inside of me, demanding to be released. He just threw me to the side in the middle of a parking lot. I grab the newspaper and stomp inside the hospital searching for Shane. I want to know why I had my fucking picture taken with him, why I’m supposedly engaged to him, and why anyone would care enough to put it in the paper.

  Just as I enter the hospital doors, I find him coming out of a patient’s room. I grab him by the shirt, and drag him into the lounge. Tripping over his
feet as he tries to keep up with me, I pull him along.

  “What the hell is this?” I snap angrily, slapping the newspaper to his chest once we are alone.

  He looks at me confused, shock laced in his raised eyebrows from my angry tone as he grabs the paper.

  “Shit,” he mutters, looking at the paper, his hands running through his perfectly combed hair.

  “What the hell, Shane?” I ask.

  “I’m sorry about this, Jessica,” he replies¸ looking the paper over.

  “Why does the paper care if you are engaged? Who are you?” I demand, questions flying from my mouth quickly.

  Shane sighs, dropping his head, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose.

  “My father,” Shane remarks, like that just answered everything. “He is a retired actor. Reece Meldon,” he elaborates.

  My eyes widen. I know exactly who that is. He was in some big action movies years back. “Ever since I was a kid, I have had people follow me around shoving cameras in my face. All hoping one day I would follow in my father’s footsteps,” he continues, setting the paper down on a nearby table. “I went to the jewelry store yesterday to get my watch fixed. It must have caught some wind. People get paid for stories and the paper just prints them, whether they are true or not,” he adds.

  This is what he was hiding last night, when that guy took a picture of us outside the coffee shop. He could have easily fixed this problem then. He could have taken the camera, beat the guy up, anything. I close my eyes and sigh. Listen to me, ‘beat the guy up’. Bobby has rubbed off on me; the club has tainted my mind. Bobby, his look of anger and disappointment when he threw the paper at me flashes in my mind. He just walked away from me because of this shit. Leaving me feeling emptier than I have ever felt.

  “This caused me a lot of problems,” I remark, pointing to the newspaper. Tears threatening to spill from my eyes.

  “It won’t happen again,” Shane states, nodding and looking at the paper now resting on the table.

  ***

  I drive to Addie’s school, park in the circle parking lot, and wait for her to come out. I notice all the married couples picking up their children, laughing, smiling; they’re picture perfect. I snarl at them, disgusted by their happiness. The way they make it look so easy to find a soul mate, appear to be so flawlessly in love without a care in the world angers me. I clench my jaw, my eyes narrowing. I stare at my fingers deep in thought. I have been on a path of fury since this morning. Bobby declaring us over is all my fault. See why love is a disaster waiting to happen – at least for me it is. I want to be open with Bobby. I want to tell him everything that has ever happened to me, but what good would it do? When I’m with Bobby, when we are together, I am free from every burden. I’m in another dimension, another world. The only thing on my mind, the only thoughts in my head, is the pleasure between him and me. I didn’t want to complicate that with explaining my fucked-up past. Now, I don’t have Bobby at all, which is worse.

  “Hey, Mom!”

  I look behind me finding Addie climbing in the back seat. She looks so beautiful today, her blonde hair in pigtails, and her cute little red dress, with black leggings on. I had just missed Bree taking her to school this morning.

  “Hey, baby, how was your day?” I question, smiling. It doesn’t matter what kind of day I’ve had, or what terrible feeling I am experiencing, Addie with her innocence and bright personality always makes those dark moments vanish. Being a single mother is hard, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Every memory from her throwing up on me in the middle of the night, to losing her first tooth is a memory I cherish.

  “Eh, it was school. Do we get to pick up movies tonight?” she asks, pulling her seatbelt across her lap.

  “Yes, we can,” I reply, pulling from the circular drive. Since she stayed at Bree’s the other night, we didn’t get to have our movie night that I had previously promised.

  I look in the rearview mirror, and notice Addie is smiling like a goofball out the window as we pull out onto the main road.

  “What are you so chipper about today?” I laugh, looking back in the mirror. Addie takes her gaze from the window to me, her little braces gleaming with the sunlight as her soft round cheeks take a hue of pink.

  “I think a boy likes me,” she squeals, her cheeks going from pink to red. My face falls, and my heart plummets.

  “What?” I turn around, taking my eyes off the road, making a car honk its horn in passing.

  “Shit,” I curse, pulling on the steering wheel to get back in my lane.

  I look in the rearview mirror at Addie, her smiley red face gone and now frowning. I shake my head, silently cursing myself for my outburst. But my little girl is only nine, boys already?

  “That’s great,” I try to muster, putting on a fake smile. Her face beams as her braces come back into full view with a big grin.

  “He is so cute, Mom. His name is Anthony, and he is so good at basketball,” she rambles, her voice giddy and happy. “You don’t have to worry. He’s not one of the bad kids in class or anything. He’s really smart,” she comforts, trying to ease my mind. I give a tight-lipped smile and pull into the movie rental’s parking lot. I’m not worried about him being a bad kid, not at the age of nine. I am worried about him breaking my daughter’s heart. All boys are heartbreakers, wearing what’s left of a girl’s heart they broke on their sleeve.

  ***

  I love my daughter, but the movies she’s picked for tonight have me wanting to pull my eyeballs out.

  Armageddon, Never Been Kissed, and A Walk To Remember. Someone shoot me.

  “How about we watch mine first?” I suggest, tossing the DVDs on the coffee table. Addie turns from the sounds of popcorn popping, and her face twists as her nose turns up.

  “Chuckie?” Addie asks, her voice laced with disapproval at my movie selection. What can I say? I love scary movies.

  “No thanks, Mom,” she replies, pulling the bag of popcorn out of the microwave. I sigh and plop down on the couch. Sappy love stories it is then.

  Addie doesn’t even make it through all of her movies. She passed out thirty minutes ago, leaving me to a pillow clutched against my chest, and tears running down my face as I watch the ending of A Walk To Remember. I shake my head, wipe away the tears, and silently curse Addie and her puppy love. I place a blanket on Addie, not wanting to wake her and turn the TV and lights off. I walk into my room, pulling my sweats off, and releasing my hair from its ponytail.

  My eyes land on my phone next to my table as I climb into bed. I want to call Bobby. I don’t want us to end. I don’t know what we even are to one another, but when he walked away today, the earth fell from under my feet. He is the only security I have in this world. I can’t lose him.

  Do I fight my fear? Triumph the terror wracking my mind and soul and gamble on the chance that Bobby can reset it all, make me forget my past and actually restart and build a life without being afraid? Or do I do what I know best, resisting, and run home behind my door with the security of three deadbolts and wonder what if?

  I have tried therapy, tried stupid medications to overcome what scares me every day, hoping one day, I can find a great guy and extend our little family, but none of it ever works. I have nothing because of the terror that lives within me, and I have no idea how to get rid of it. But Bobby, he wants to help me. He wants to make me better. But how? How can he make it better when nobody else can? He doesn’t even know why I am the way I am. I sigh, close my eyes, and feel the loneliness creep into my soul.

  Bobby

  I roll a joint, trying to escape the thoughts of Jessica plaguing my mind. I reach for my lighter as my cell phone rings, stopping me. I fish out my phone instead of the lighter, and answer it.

  “What do you want to know?” Jessica asks, her voice soft and shaky. I drop my joint to the floor, my mouth parting in shock. Did I hear her right? I have tried to get information about Jessica’s past for years, and here she is asking me what I w
ant to know, like an open book. I run my hands through my hair and sit up straight in my chair. Why is she wanting to tell me now? Is my walking away a big deal for her, too?

  “Why are you willing to tell me now after all these years?” I question. I have to know. I need to know what’s different.

  I hear her inhale through the phone as she prepares for her reply.

  “Because, you’re the only person who might be able to free me from my past, from the fear that plans my daily agenda. I trust you,” she replies. I nod, knowing exactly what she means. Even with me not knowing a lot about Jessica, she is always safe with me. I could never fully walk away from her, even if I really wanted to, and it really pisses me off sometimes.

  “I want to know where the marks on your back came from. Why they are there. I want to know why you sleep with me in only one position and with the lights off. I want to know why you are so afraid of living.” The questions that have played through my mind every time I see Jessica spill from my mouth uncontrollably.

  I hear her choke as a sniffle sounds through the speaker. I hear her breaking, making me second-guess this whole thing. Jessica is a strong woman. I haven’t heard her this wrecked since the day she showed up at the club, it guts me.

  “Why, why do you want to know those things so badly, Bobby?” she whispers painfully.

  “I killed a man for a woman I knew nothing about; still don’t. But with killing him, I thought I would save you, set you free, Jessica, but I didn’t. Something still haunts you,” I answer grimly.

  She sniffles through the phone, her breathing trembling in short spurts.

  “Let’s start out small. How did you meet your ex-husband?” I ask, trying to ease her into the difficult memories. The line is quiet, making me wonder if she hung up.

  “Travis wasn’t always a monster. I loved him at one point,” she laughs bitterly. “That’s what makes it so difficult. You really think you know someone, only to discover you were so fucking wrong.”

  I have come across a few people like that inside the club before, so I know where she is coming from.