Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader
Page 32
LOUISVILLE, OHIO
Settler Henry Lautzenheiser named the town after Lewis Lautzenheiser, one of his twenty-five children, in 1834. The name remained Lewisville until 1837, when somebody noticed that there already was a town in Ohio named Lewisville. Rather than rename the town entirely, they changed the spelling to Louisville.
MONROE, LOUISIANA
The town, formerly named Fort Miro, got its new name when the first steamboat traveled up the Ouachita River in 1819. The townspeople were so thrilled at the sight of a boat travelling up-river under its own power that they renamed the town after the boat—the James Monroe.
PALM BEACH, FLORIDA
In 1878 the sailing ship Providencia shipwrecked on an island just off the coast of Florida. The ship’s cargo—20,000 coconuts—washed up on the beach...and grew into the palm trees that give the island town its name.
PEKIN, ILLINOIS
Named in 1830 by one Mrs. Nathaniel Cromwell, who 1) wasn’t much of a speller, and 2) was apparently convinced that Pekin was exactly on the opposite side of the globe from Peking, China. (She wasn’t much of a geographer, either.)
SELMER, TENNESSEE
Named by one P. H. Thrasher, who wanted to name his town in honor of Selma, Alabama. (Apparently he was just as bad a speller as Mrs. Cromwell.)
Dirty money: 18% of U.S. coins are contaminated with the E. coli bacteria.
“I WANT A BEER AS COLD AS MY EX-WIFE’S HEART”
You don’t have to be a fan of country music to appreciate the toe-tappin’ wit of these real-life country song titles.
“I Gave Her My Heart and a Diamond and She Clubbed Me with a Spade”
“You’re a Hard Dog to Keep Under the Porch”
“Four on the Floor and a Fifth under the Seat”
“You Done Stomped on My Heart (and You Mashed That Sucker Flat)”
“I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me”
“You Can’t Have Your Kate and Edith Too”
“I’d Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night with You”
“Feelin’ Single and Drinkin’ Doubles”
“If My Nose Was Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All on You”
“I Bought the Shoes That Just Walked Out on Me”
“Jesus Loves Me but He Can’t Stand You”
“I Fell in a Pile of You and Got Love All Over”
“One Day When You Swing That Skillet (My Face Ain’t Gonna Be There)”
“I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger”
“Thanks to the Cathouse, I’m in the Doghouse with You”
“You’re the Ring Around My Bathtub, You’re the Hangnail of My Life”
“I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife’s Heart”
“Did I Shave My Legs for This?”
“If You Can’t Live without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead?”
“I Wouldn’t Take Her to a Dawg Fight, ’Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win”
“He’s Got a Way with Women...and He Just Got Away with Mine”
Colgate was the first toothpaste to be sold in tubes rather than jars.
WHAT’S ON EBAY?
It’s a game of virtual cat and mouse: smart alecks put crazy items up for auction on eBay, and eBay pulls them off the site. Here are a few of our favorites. (Winning bids are at the end.)
ITEM: My Toenail Clippings—31 inches long
DESCRIPTION: “These clippings were done by my teeth about an hour ago, off every single toe on both my feet. You can use them for absolutely nothing so buy them now!”
OPENING BID: $50.00
ITEM: Grandma—MUST SEE!!
DESCRIPTION: “We are so sure you will be happy with your grandma that we will throw in an extra pair of dentures. THAT’S NO TYPO! Warning: Grandma is known to spout profanity at times, and does get cranky if not given her medicine. (Medicine not included.)”
OPENING BID: $10.00
ITEM: The Meaning of Life
DESCRIPTION: “I have discovered the reason for our existence and will be happy to share this information with the highest bidder.” (eBay note: “Contact the seller to resolve any questions before bidding.”)
OPENING BID: $0.01
ITEM: 10 Fingers. Use them or eat them!
DESCRIPTION: “You might ask what it is you might do with 10 fingers. Just use your imagination, the possibilities are endless.”
OPENING BID: $0.01
ITEM: Vial of Authentic Melrose Place TV Show Pool Water
DESCRIPTION: “Your favorite stars have swam and soaked in this pool for years. Now that the show is going to be gone forever you can still have a piece of history. 10 vials available.”
OPENING BID: $7.99
From a U. of Michigan study: a dog’s memory span is 5 minutes, a cat’s is 16 hours.
ITEM: Fossilized Turtle Poop (called “coprolite”)
DESCRIPTION: “I use coprolites just like this when I make fossil presentations at local grade schools and the kids love them. It seems everyone has a comment after holding one.”
OPENING BID: $15.00
ITEM: One jar of air from Woodstock (the 1999 concert, not 1969)
DESCRIPTION: “I caught the air in the jar myself, it is real Woodstock air. So many came but how many thought to take some of the air with them? Get yours now.”
OPENING BID: $9.99
ITEM: Two Weeks’ Worth of Dog Hair!! L@@K!! No Reserve
DESCRIPTION: “This is prime shedding season with the dogs and I currently have more than I could ever possibly use. So why not let my windfall be your good fortune? Dog hair will be packaged in bubble wrap to avoid damage in shipping.”
OPENING BID: $1.00
ITEM: One Package of 2 Krispy® Original Saltine Crackers
DESCRIPTION: “Seller reserves the right to eat this package of crackers at any time, and will replace said package with a suitable replacement. Buyer accepts all liability in case of irreversible product breakdown.”
OPENING BID: $0.01
ITEM: Bob Eubanks, host of TV’s The Newlywed Game
DESCRIPTION: “Buy Bob Eubanks and have him live with you. Is he the king of cool or what?!?!? How could you NOT bid on this item? Location: Beverly Hills, of course!!”
OPENING BID: $0.01
ITEM: $1.00—One dollar!
DESCRIPTION: “One dollar bill, slightly used, ready for you to use! Works in most vending machines!”
OPENING BID: $0.67 (Buyer pays 33¢ shipping & handling.)
30% of NBA players have tattoos.
ITEM: Justin Timberlake’s French Toast
DESCRIPTION: “This is Justin’s leftover french toast as eaten live on Z100 radio. You’ll get his half-eaten french toast, the fork he used, and the plate...complete with extra syrup!! Any bids over $1,000 will be verified by Z100 by phone for authenticity.”
OPENING BID: $1.00
ITEM: Fast Food Assistant Manager—Small Skill, Big Butt
DESCRIPTION: “Known by many names such as Ass. Man., Hamburger Pants, Hamburglar, this lumpy boytoy can mess up your store’s paperwork, and be a useless, annoying, grunting womanizer too!!”
OPENING BID: $0.50
ITEM: My Dignity
DESCRIPTION: “Winning bidder will receive a piece of paper that says, ‘My Dignity’ on it, with my signature. Warning: I may become a sad man after relinquishing my dignity.”
OPENING BID: $2.00
ITEM: Partially Used Pack of Cigarettes
DESCRIPTION: “Hurry up and buy the remainder of my current pack of Parliament Lights. They’re going fast—I’m smoking them right now. NO RESERVE!”
OPENING BID: $3.00
WINNING BIDS
Nail Clippings: Reserve not met
Grandma: $1,000,300
Meaning of Life: $3.26
10 Fingers: $0.01 (they turned out to be ladyfingers)
Melrose Place Pool Water: $7.99 (2 vials sold)
Turtle Poop: N
o bids
Woodstock Air: $9,999,999
Dog Hair: No bids
Crackers: $0.05
Bob Eubanks: No bids
One Dollar: $0.67
Justin’s French Toast: $3,154
Assistant Manager: No bids
My Dignity: $10.50
Partially Used Pack of Cigarettes: $10,000,000
This Old Hut: Bob Vila was a Peace Corps volunteer.
IRREGULAR NEWS
More proof that truth really is stranger than fiction.
PLEASE, MR. POSTMAN...
“A package marked ‘Warning, bomb!’, ‘Now you’ll have it!’ and ‘Look out!’ was delivered without a problem by the Swedish postal services. Postal service spokesman Mattias Geijerstam said Wednesday the agency was embarrassed, but explained that the package was delivered because postal workers were convinced it was a hoax. The package was forwarded to a local shop to be picked up by the addressee. He said workers at the local store read the labels and called police. It was examined and declared bomb-free after it was found to hold a pair of shoes.”
—Manchester (U.K.) News
KNOCK-KNOCK
“A pair of prisoners at a British low-security jail escaped—only to knock on the door of a more secure prison nearby and ask to be detained there instead. The two reformed drug users fled from Leyhill prison near Gloucester because they found narcotics too easily available there. Audie Carr, 29, and Benjamin Clarke, 23, were found to be missing at roll call last Sunday night, but by Monday lunchtime they had knocked on the doors of Gloucester Prison 32 kilometers (19 miles) away. ‘They wanted to finish their sentences at Gloucester,’ a prosecution lawyer told the court.”
—ABC News
IT’S AN HONOR JUST TO BE NOMINATED
“Awards World magazine recently sponsored the ‘Awards Awards’ at London’s Dorchester Hotel, handing out awards to members of the British awards-presentation industry for the year’s best awards shows. Awards World editor Barbara Buchanan explained, ‘Every-body likes to win an award, even the people who give out awards.’ Buchanan (who staged about 1,000 major presentations in Britain last year) called this year’s program a success, but said it is disqualified from receiving any awards at next year’s Awards Awards.”
—BBC News
NO LAUGHING MATTER
Penicillin causes about 300 deaths per year in the United States.
“Members of a ‘laughter club’ in Patna, India, described the decision to ban laughing at their local zoo as ‘autocratic.’ Chuckling was outlawed after Laloo Prasad Yadav, the president of Bihar state’s ruling party, was angered by the group ‘merrily laughing in chorus’ when he walked past them in the Sanjay Gandhi Botanical Garden and Zoo. ‘You are disturbing the peace of the flora and fauna of the zoo,’ Laloo reportedly told the group, before issuing instructions to zoo officials to enforce an immediate ban. Laughter clubs, groups of people who gather to laugh loudly in public to relieve stress, are a phenomenon in parts of India.”
—The Economic Times
BLOCKHEAD
“A U.K. driver was pulled over by police in Surrey when they noticed him driving with a box (with eyeholes) over his head. He told police the foil lining protected him from the car’s electromagnetic emissions.”
—“The Edge,” The Oregonian
EGG HEAD
“When Briton Malcolm Eccles, 50, died of bowel cancer, his family turned him into a kitchen aid. In accordance with his wishes, they keep his ashes in a specially crafted glass egg timer. ‘I can’t boil a soft egg to save my life,’ widow Brenda said, ‘so he said I should turn some of his ashes into an egg-timer. Then he could help me and it would be a nice way of remembering him.’”
—Wacky News
DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING
“A Chinese pensioner who exercises by walking backwards around a lake had to be rescued after he lost concentration and fell in. China Daily, quoting the Beijing Times, says Yan, 72, believes his daily routine of walking backwards around Bayi Lake is good for his health. But he was apparently counting his steps instead of checking his surroundings, miscalculated, and fell backwards. Three other fitness enthusiasts saved him and took him to the hospital, where he received three stitches on his head.”
—Daily Times (Pakistan)
National flower of the United States: the rose, adopted in 1986.
LOONEY LAWS
Believe it or not, these laws are real.
In Salem, West Virginia, it is illegal to leave home without knowing where you’re going.
In Tempe, Arizona, you may drink alcohol in a city park, but only if the park is three acres or larger.
You can possess one bear gall-bladder in California, but not two.
In Kentucky it is illegal for politicians to give away booze on Election Day.
Maine law states that you may not catch a lobster with your bare hands.
Funeral directors in Nevada can be arrested for cursing in the presence of a dead body.
In Washington, D.C., it’s against the law to marry your mother-in-law.
Wearing high-heeled shoes is legal in Carmel, California... but you need a permit.
It’s illegal to sleep naked in Minnesota.
Detroit law prohibits a man from scowling at his wife on a Sunday.
How many people in Victoria, Australia, does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he has to be a licensed electrician.
In Jonesboro, Georgia, it’s against the law to say, “Oh, boy.”
In Mesquite, Texas, children are prohibited from having “unusual haircuts.”
Exploding an atomic bomb in Chico, California, is punishable by a $500 fine.
In Arizona, donkeys may not, by law, sleep in bathtubs.
In Paulding, Ohio, it’s legal for a police officer to bite a dog.
It’s against the law in Chicago for “exceedingly ugly” people to appear in public.
In Huntsville, Alabama, you may not move your bed without a permit.
In Stockton, California, it’s illegal to wiggle while you dance.
In Michigan, it’s against the law to put a skunk in your boss’s desk. (Darn!)
The average adult has about 46 miles of nerves.
SEGUE INTO SEGWAY
Inventor Dean Kamen holds over 150 patents for medical technology and social welfare devices. But it’s for his one major failure he’ll be remembered: the Segway.
EDISON REBORN?
Dean Kamen has been obsessed with the power of technology since he was a teenager. He never cared much for school, skipping homework to read complicated physics texts and create laser light shows. While still in high school, Kamen designed the audiovisual system at New York’s Hayden Planetarium and the New Year’s Eve Times Square ball drop. By 18, he was earning $60,000 a year, more than his father, an editor at Mad magazine.
He began inventing when his brother, a medical student, complained about how hard it was to administer intravenous drugs without having to keep patients constantly hospitalized. Solving his brother’s dilemma consumed his life—he was even kicked out of college for spending too much time on it. But by 1976, at age 25, Kamen had patented the Auto-Syringe: a pocket-size infusion pump that delivers a steady stream of medication, freeing patients from hospital beds. (Today it’s mostly used in insulin pumps for diabetics.) Kamen manufactured and marketed the device himself, and eventually sold his company for $5 million.
THE NEXT BIG THING
Barely 30 and a multimillionaire, Kamen took his money and created DEKA Research and Development. It was his dream job: companies would pay him to invent stuff. Under this arrangement, Kamen developed 150 devices, including a portable dialysis machine that freed patients with kidney diseases from constant visits to dialysis centers, and the IBOT, a robotic wheelchair that could climb stairs and raise its user to standing level. Following these successes, Kamen knew his next project would have to be nothing short of earth-shattering to meet expectations, especially his own.
The driver’s test was invented in France and originally included a vehicle repair section.
Science and technology magazines speculated wildly on what It might be: was It a personal hovercraft? A solar-powered engine? By 2000 no pictures or details had been released, although Kamen had been working on It (now being called “Ginger”) for almost ten years and had raised $90 million from investors.
Kamen opened up a little in early 2001: he talked about the potential impact of Ginger, but not the invention itself. He promised it would end urban congestion, air pollution, and oil dependency. Kamen leased a giant factory in New Hampshire set to produce 10,000 units a week to meet what was sure to be an insatiable demand.
WOW, IT’S A...SCOOTER
What could possibly live up to such hype? Unfortunately, not Ginger. Kamen finally unveiled his top-secret invention to end all inventions on Good Morning America in December 2001. The device’s real name was the Segway Human Transporter and it was...an electric scooter.
According to Segway Inc., the device was the “first self-balancing, electric-powered transportation device. With the ability to emulate human balance, the Segway HT uses the same space as a pedestrian, and can go wherever a person can walk.” Resembling a podium on wheels, the Segway ran on synchronized gyroscopes that constantly balanced the rider at speeds of up to 13 mph.
By and large, the public didn’t think a scooter had the capacity to alter world transport, nor was it worth the years of buildup or the $90 million investment. And there were all sorts of problems Kamen and his engineers didn’t foresee. Segways were banned from the narrow sidewalks of older cities like New York and Boston. They were far too expensive ($5,000) to make people give up their cars. But perhaps most importantly of all—they looked silly.