A Mother's Love
Page 21
His only response was a shrug.
“Robbie? It’s okay to tell us. What gave you that idea?”
“Gary says.”
“Gary says what?”
“That bad guys are always hurting policemen. And sometimes they even kill them,” he added, his voice a pitch higher. “With guns. It’s on TV.”
“Son, those are just make-believe programs Gary’s talking about.”
“But did a bad guy hurt you?”
“Well, yes. But it’s very, very unusual for anything like that to happen in real life.”
Robbie’s eyes grew bigger and darker. “But it did!”
Natalie gazed at the two of them, the little dark-haired boy staring up at the large dark-haired man. Waiting for reassurance. Waiting for Hank to tell him that no bad guy could ever kill his dad.
Her heart ached for them both. A child shouldn’t have to worry that his father might die. No more than a woman should have to worry that her husband might die. Not before his time.
Hank slowly raised his hand and ruffled Robbie’s hair.
She knew that had to be causing him pain, but he didn’t let it show.
“Robbie, I’ve been a policeman for fifteen years. Do you understand how long that is?”
He shook his head.
“Well, it’s a really long time. Almost five times as long as you’ve been alive.
“And in all those years, no bad guy has ever hurt me before. So the next time Gary says anything about policemen getting hurt, you tell him that TV isn’t like real life. And that in real life it hardly ever happens.”
“But sometimes?”
“Yeah, sometimes. Not often, though.”
“But...but I love you, Daddy.”
“And I love you. And no bad guy’s going to ever hurt me again. So don’t worry, huh?”
Natalie swallowed hard. From the first moment she’d seen them together, it had been obvious how close Hank and Robbie were. And right this minute...
She couldn’t force them to spend half of each year apart.
The realization hit her as hard and fast as a jolt from a stun gun.
After the three years she’d spent looking for Robbie, after all the nights she’d dreamed about having him back, now that she had a clear picture of his life with Hank, she simply couldn’t destroy it.
Closing her eyes, she let the ramifications of that sink in.
She was left with two choices. She could either go back, full-time, to her work in Villa Rosa—and essentially give up her son. Or she could choose to spend the majority of her time with the two people she loved most in the world.
But she could only choose that if she were brave enough.
* * *
HANK WAS FEELING a sharp twinge with every breath he took, and since speaking meant extra breathing, he’d been only too happy when Natalie had offered to read Robbie’s bedtime story.
He sat on the edge of the bed, hoping the Sparky book Robbie had chosen wouldn’t lead to another discussion about getting a dog. Because until Natalie decided...
Maybe she already had, though.
He gazed surreptitiously across the bed at her, not paying any attention to the words she was reading—merely listening to the lulling tone of her voice.
It was a voice he wanted to continue hearing for the rest of his life. And she was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. But he had a horrible feeling...
Several times, since they’d gotten home, he’d caught her watching him. Each time, her expression had warned him that she was gearing up for a serious conversation. And he didn’t have high hopes about what she was going to tell him.
Man, he seriously wished he could strangle Joey Nogood. Not only for trying to kill him, but for his terrible timing. Just when Natalie had seemed to be...
But now... Even though she’d said she’d still talk to someone, he had the sense that she simply hadn’t wanted to make him feel any worse than he’d already been feeling. And that if she actually did see a counselor, at this stage she’d only be going through the motions.
The shooting had set them back a million years. And they didn’t have a million years. They only had this one lifetime.
He tried to force his eyes from her but couldn’t. She was just too darned gorgeous not to keep looking at.
The way she was staring down at the book made her lashes seem impossibly long. And so dark against the pale smoothness of her skin.
His gaze drifted to her lips, and the thought of being without her, of never tasting the sweetness of her kisses, started his chest hurting even more than it had already been.
“‘So Sparky curled up at the bottom of Billy’s bed, and they both fell fast asleep,’” she concluded.
“Another one?” Robbie asked.
“No,” Hank said firmly. “It’s time to go to sleep.”
“You hafta check for the monsters first.”
“Robbie, I—”
“I can do it,” Natalie said. “Where do I check?”
“Under the bed,” Robbie told her.
She knelt down and looked under it.
“And in the closet,” Robbie added as she pushed herself up.
“Nothing but clothes,” she said, peering in.
“On the floor?”
“Nothing but shoes. Ah, and some dirty socks.”
“Now just make sure the window’s locked,” Hank said.
She walked over and looked, then turned back toward the bed. “Absolutely safe. All you need is a good-night kiss.”
When she bent down, Robbie wrapped his arms around her neck—and all Hank could think about was not having him here to kiss good-night for months on end.
He just didn’t know how he’d cope with that.
The house would be so empty.
His life would be so empty.
“Daddy?”
He edged along the bed. “I can’t hug you, okay? So just a kiss.”
“’Kay.”
Pain stabbed him as he leaned forward, but a good-night kiss was more important than a little pain.
“’Night, son,” he said, easing himself up and trying not to grimace.
“’Night, Daddy. ’Night, Natalie.”
They walked out into the hall, and as he shut the door partway, she said, “Would you like some lemonade?”
“Thanks, but I’d rather have a Scotch.”
“Uh-uh.” She shook her head. “Not with those pain pills you’ve taken.”
He almost asked if being married to a doctor would mean having to adopt a healthier lifestyle—then stopped himself.
There probably wasn’t a chance in a trillion he’d ever be married to a doctor. Not this one, at any rate.
“Do you want to sit out back?” she said. “We’d hear Robbie through the screen.”
“Sure.”
He trailed along to the patio and gingerly lowered himself into the chair next to hers.
The sun had set and dusk was closing in around them, but the air hadn’t yet cooled enough to make it uncomfortable.
They sat in silence for a couple of minutes, gazing out at the darkening woods. Then she said, “It’s funny, you know. When Robbie was lost and we were searching for him, I thought that forest was the scariest place I’d ever been. But sitting here looking at it...it’s hard to even imagine being frightened of anything so peaceful.”
“Just a question of perspective, I guess.”
“I guess,” she murmured. “I... Hank, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you suggested earlier.”
When he turned to her, she was staring straight down the yard, as if she couldn’t bear to meet his gaze when she said what she was going to say.
“About the possibility,” she continued, “of spending a couple of months a year in Villa Rosa and the rest here.”
He stopped breathing and began praying.
“And...I’m going to talk to the Physicians Abroad people about it. See if it’s feasible. That’s...”
He cleared his throat. It hurt his chest. He didn’t care in the least.
“Of course I still think it is. Natalie, I want you with me so badly... But what about the rest?” he made himself ask. “What about your fear?”
She slowly licked her lips, which made him desperately want to kiss her—no matter how painful leaning closer would be.
Yet he felt as if his entire future depended on what she said next, and if he was kissing her she wouldn’t be able to say anything.
“I’m going to deal with it,” she murmured at last. “If Celeste could do it, I can, too. I mean, I understand both why it’s a problem and why it runs so deep.”
“That sounds like a good start.”
She nodded. “I’ve always lost the people I’ve really loved. My uncle Ted, my parents, Carlos. I was never even sure I hadn’t lost Robbie forever.
“But that doesn’t mean I’d lose you. Logically, I know it doesn’t. It’s just that somewhere in my subconscious...
“Hank, I don’t care if it takes psychotherapy or behavior modification or hypnosis or... Oh, hell, I don’t care if they have to stick electrodes on my head and zap my brain. Something will work.
“And...I guess what it comes down to is that I want to be with you and Robbie more than anything else on earth. And I’m not going to let my fear keep me from being happy.”
He could feel an incredibly goofy smile spreading across his face.
“Well...that’s great. I mean, it’s wonderful. I wish I could take you in my arms and show you how wonderful I think it is, but...”
“That’s all right,” Natalie said, trailing her fingers lightly down his arm. “You’ll have the rest of our lives to show me.”
EPILOGUE
Five months later
THE DAY WAS sunny and unseasonably warm, ideal for an outdoor party. But beyond the split-rail fence, autumn had painted the nature preserve with brilliant reds and yellows that hinted winter wasn’t far off.
After so long in the land of eternal spring, Natalie absently mused, being back living in a place with such dramatic changes of season would take a while to get used to.
“What do you think?” Hank said, wrapping his arm around her waist and drawing her close. “Everyone enjoying themselves?”
“Looks like.”
She let her gaze drift over their guests: Celeste and Travis, married now, chatting with some of Hank’s other friends; Cynthia Koehler and a few more people from Madison Plains; Señora Perez and her friend Señora Barreda.
And over by the fence were Mary Gerard and her husband, talking with Audrey and Betty Harmand—who was feeling pretty much back to her old self.
Then, of course, there were Robbie and Gary, as well as Emma and the three little girls she’d already made fast friends with at school.
“An adoption party was a good idea,” Hank said.
“Only good?” she teased. “How about inspired?”
“Yeah, well, I guess I could give you inspired.”
When she looked over at Emma again, the little girl was smiling so broadly it made her smile.
Robbie would be turning four in only a week, so they’d considered a combined party. But she was glad they’d decided against that, because Emma was absolutely thrilled that they’d wanted a party solely to celebrate the finalization of her adoption.
Of course, she’d been a full-time member of their family for quite a while now. Cynthia had pulled a few more strings with the Child Services people, and Emma had come here directly from the hospital.
That had been mere days after Natalie and Hank had gotten married, and the caseworker had said she’d never before dealt with adoptive parents who were newlyweds.
Natalie suspected she’d never run into a birth mother who’d married her son’s adoptive father, either. Theirs was definitely not an ordinary set of circumstances.
Things would gradually normalize, though. Especially after they were finished living in a construction zone.
She glanced at the addition they were putting across the back of the house. Once it was done, they’d have twice as much space. And with two active children plus a live-in housekeeper, they really needed it.
But, all in all, everything was shaping up better than she and Hank could ever have realistically hoped.
She’d gotten her license to practice in New Jersey, and had begun working four days a week in a clinic that was loosely affiliated with the Madison Plains. And even though she still worried about Hank when he was at work, the counseling had helped her a lot.
As for Robbie and Emma, they’d been fine together from day one. Emma was even teaching him Spanish, which had prompted Hank to decide he’d better learn it as well, so he wouldn’t find himself not understanding what his own children were talking about.
And when it came to Audrey, she was delighted that the house plans included a self-contained little living area for her, not to mention being pleased about the prospect of having two months free each summer while Natalie and the children were in Villa Rosa.
Villa Rosa. Natalie hadn’t spent long there this summer, of course. With everything else that was happening, she’d only gone back briefly, to tie up a few loose ends and pack what she’d wanted to ship.
It had been a bittersweet visit because there were things about her life in Guatemala that she knew she’d miss. But there were things here that she’d have missed far more. And one of them was streaking across the yard toward her and Hank this very minute.
“Mommy!” Robbie cried when he saw she’d spotted him.
Mommy. Once she and Hank had told him she’d be staying, that they were getting married, he’d been pretty quick about deciding that if she was going to live with them she really must be his mother. And now they were making up for those years apart.
He screeched to a stop in front of them and gave them a grin.
“What’s up, big guy?” Hank said.
“Emma taught me some new words.”
“She did, huh?”
“Well, kinda. Her friends wanted to know them. And I listened.”
Hank smiled at Natalie and she felt warm inside.
“Wanna hear?”
“Sure.”
Robbie screwed up his face, thinking hard, then said, “Te quiero.”
“Oh, darling,” she murmured. “We love you, too.”
He gave them another grin, then turned on his heel and raced away.
“Hey,” Hank whispered, his breath against her ear making her feel even warmer. “Know what?”
“What?” she whispered back.
“Te quiero, Natalie. And I’ll be saying that forever.”
* * * * *
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ISBN: 9781460310830
Copyright © 2013 by Dawn Stewardson
Originally published as HIS CHILD OR HERS?
Copyright © 2001 by Dawn Stewardson
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