If Ever I Loved You

by Phyllis Halldorson

  Stewart rose from the couch and swore with an earthiness Gina had never heard him use before. "Good Lord, you could have married and had children without ever knowing…"

  His large frame filled the small room as he started to pace. "Well that's an oversight we can take care of in a hurry. Give me a couple of minutes to shower and change and I'll drive you to Fort Bragg. I know a lawyer there, she can get started on the annulment immediately. I think it can be taken care of in a matter of days."

  He turned and took a few steps toward the bathroom before Gina caught him by the arm and said, "No, Stewart, that won't do any good. Peter—he—he said if I filed for annulment he would swear the marriage was consummated."

  Stewart glared at her with an all-consuming rage. "And was it?" he grated.

  Gina winced. "Of course not. I told you what happened. I never saw him again after he walked out of Mel's apartment until Saturday night at the wedding reception."

  Stewart's gaze searched her face for a few seconds, then with a muffled groan he took her in his arms and held her close. "I'm sorry, baby," he murmured shakily. "It's just that I can't stand the thought of any other man touching you, and to know that—that"— the name he called Peter was obscene in any language —"has the legal right is galling beyond reason."

  The legal right. The words struck terror in Gina. Peter had the legal right to make love to her only if she agreed to it. But after that traumatizing scene in her kitchen yesterday morning she knew that her mind would never overrule her body if he came at her like that again. She had to end this farce of a marriage, and quickly!

  She shuddered and burrowed closer into Stewart's arms. She wished now that she had married him months ago when she had accepted his engagement ring. It wouldn't have been legal, but maybe by this time she would have been so passionately involved with him that Peter could have had no emotional hold over her.

  Maybe, but she doubted it!

  For several minutes she enjoyed the warm security of Stewart's firm hard body, but then she sighed and pulled back to look at him. "Since Peter won't consent to an annulment I want a divorce," she said. Stewart nodded. "That will take longer, but apparently it's the only solution. We'll drive down to San Francisco and see my lawyers about handling it. They'll put it through as quickly as possible."

  It was Friday before she heard from Peter again.

  It had been a busy day, profitable too. She'd not only sold two paintings by local artists, but an art teacher from San Jose had bought Gina's own seascape, a view of wind-swept waves, white and foamy, crashing against the rocks below the bluffs on which Mendocino was built. It had been priced higher than her others and she was pleased that he had paid the full price without wanting to bargain.

  She was in the storage room at the back of the shop trying to select three pictures to replace the ones that had been purchased when she heard footsteps on the uncarpeted hardwood floors. She had her back to the door contemplating several paintings she had set up when the approaching footsteps stopped and she realized that someone was standing behind her. She looked over her shoulder and her heart jumped when she saw the blond, blue-eyed man dressed in a conservative gray business suit who looked like he was strongly tempted to throttle her. She spun around and was face to face with the thunderous countenance of Peter Van Housen.

  She backed away and gasped, "What are you doing here?"

  He grasped her shoulders roughly and his fingers bit into her tender flesh. "I can't turn my back on you for a minute can I?" he muttered furiously.

  "I—I don't know what you're talking about," she stammered.

  "No?" he hissed savagely. "Then I'll show you."

  With a suddenness that took her totally off guard he pulled her against him and kissed her, an angry, brutal kiss that ground the inside of her mouth against her teeth and bruised her lips. She struggled but he held her in a tight grasp that left her no room to maneuver and she was helpless to defend herself. Her air supply was nearly cut off and the more she twisted the harder it was to breathe. She felt dizzy and in an automatic bid for survival she stopped struggling and relaxed.

  Once she was no longer fighting, Peter's mouth on hers gentled and his grip on her eased. Before she could attempt to break away from him one of his hands began a languorous trail down her spine while the other one gently caressed her shoulders. She shivered as unbidden sensations surged through her and her arms, no longer imprisoned at her sides, crept around his waist.

  His lips ceased punishing, but now explored her face with exquisite tenderness. Her eyes, her cheeks, the corners of her mouth. His white even teeth nibbled delicately at her ear lobes and her arms tightened around him as her fingers splayed over the rippling muscles of his back.

  He nuzzled the sensitive hollow at the side of her neck, and the sensations became pinpricks of fire that set her squirming against him in an effort to placate the smoldering desire that had robbed her of all reason. Her seductive movements elicited a moan of passion from Peter and his mouth again sought hers with a tender but urgent craving.

  A voice calling her name finally penetrated Gina's consciousness and with it her sanity returned. She pushed away from Peter, horrified by her total surrender, but he didn't release her immediately. Instead he held her by the arms and there was a look of triumph on his face as his gaze slid over her swollen lips and her wide violet eyes, still clouded with passion.

  "Now tell me you want to divorce me and marry Stewart Tobias," he said in a voice tinged with amusement.

  Gina was too enraged to speak, and before she could hurl all the epithets that were gathering in her mind, the Junoesque figure of Twyla Sisson appeared in the doorway. "Oh, Gina, there you are," she said. "I've been looking—"

  She closed her mouth abruptly when she saw Peter and her quick searching look must have correctly assessed the situation because she started to back away. "Oh, sorry."

  Gina sprang to life. "No, Twyla, please don't leave!"

  Twyla must have picked up the tone of desperation in Gina's voice because she hesitated as Gina continued, "Have—have you met Peter Van Housen? Peter, this is my friend, Twyla Sisson. She owns the—"

  "I've met Twyla," Peter interrupted rudely, "but it was quite some time ago. How are you, Twyla?"

  Twyla nodded in acknowledgment but she didn't answer his question. Instead her expressive brown eyes watched him narrowly as she said, "So you're the husband?"

  Peter nodded curtly. "I see you've been brought up to date on the state of my relationship with Gina."

  That was true. On Wednesday, the day after Stewart and Gina had driven to San Francisco where Gina filed suit for dissolution of marriage from Peter, she had gone to see Twyla and once again unburdened her problems and fears on her friend. Twyla had listened and comforted her, and had done Gina the honor of not giving unsolicited and useless advice. Instead she had supplied a shaker of dry martinis and offered to loan her money if she needed it for legal fees.

  Twyla didn't bat an eyelash as she replied to Peter's observation. "Yes I have, does that make you uncomfortable?"

  Peter's mouth quirked in a humorless smile. "Not at all, I have nothing to be uncomfortable about. I do want to talk to Gina, however, so if you'll excuse us we'll go up to her apartment where we can have a little privacy."

  His hand cupped Gina's elbow but she pulled away from him. "No!" she cried, louder than she had intended. She lowered her voice and turned to Twyla, her features twisted with anxiety. "Come with us, Twyla. Please!"

  The pleading tone couldn't be missed, and Twyla put her arm around Gina's slender shoulders and started to walk with her toward the front of the gallery. "Of course I'll come if you want me to." She chuckled. "Frankly, I wouldn't miss it."

  Upstairs in Gina's apartment she and Twyla sat on the sofa and Peter sat in a chair across from them. Gina perched stiffly on the edge of the couch, her hand gripping the arm as she said, "All right, Peter, you said you wanted to talk to me so please, let's get it over with."


  Peter frowned as he glanced at Twyla, then apparently decided to ignore her as he turned back to look at Gina. "I arrived at my office a little late this morning and found a man there waiting to serve me with divorce papers," he said angrily. "I told you I'd fight an annulment."

  "I didn't file for annulment," she answered grimly. "I filed for dissolution."

  His eyes were as cold as blue ice. "Did you really think I'd give you a divorce after I'd refused to consent to an annulment?"

  The swift jab of his words landed in the pit of her stomach, and she gasped and bent forward slightly as though to protect herself from another attack. "You swine!" she hissed through clenched teeth. "Why are you doing this? What do you want of me?"

  Peter lounged back in his chair, and the only sign that he was not totally relaxed was the deepening lines of strain around his mouth and the pulse that throbbed at his temple. "I want the same thing any man wants from his wife—a companion, a lover, a mother for my children."

  Gina jumped to her feet and stared at him. "You're out of your mind!" she screamed. "Seven years ago you told me you wouldn't touch me if I were the only woman on earth and then, despite my pleadings, you walked out on me and I didn't see you again until five days ago. Now you refuse to terminate the marriage. Why? Surely you're not going to try to tell me you love me!"

  Peter rose suddenly as though jerked from the chair and walked away from her. "Love!" he spat out, as though it were a dirty word. "No, I'm not telling you I love you. You cured me of that adolescent affliction with one well-placed thrust years ago. But I find that I'm still physically attracted to you, as you are to me."

  She drew in her breath sharply and he whirled around to face her. "Oh, don't bother to deny it," he jeered. "Twice now we have come together and nearly gone up in smoke, both of us, together. You were just as aroused as I so don't stand there sputtering."

  Gina knew it was true, and her innate sense of honesty would not allow her to deny it. Instead she turned away from him as he continued to talk. "I'm thirty-three years old and bored with my life style. I want to settle down with a wife and start a family, and since I'm already married to you I see no reason to delay. You're beautiful, talented, well-educated and sexually exciting, everything I want in a wife."

  Gina was too stunned to protest. Peter didn't love her, and he knew she didn't love him, but still he wanted to live with her as husband and wife. He wanted her to be his housekeeper, his hostess, his convenient sex partner. He even wanted her to bring children into that cold, sterile environment! The man was insane! Surely he didn't really believe that she could live like that.

  She straightened her shoulders and turned to look at him. "I'm surprised at you, Peter," she said as she strove to sound calm and a little disdainful. "Are you forgetting the reason why our marriage never got started? The picture? My so-called promiscuity? As I remember you called me a wh—"

  "Stop it Gina!" he snapped before she could finish the coarse word. "I'm not forgetting, I only wish I could, but you had forced me into marriage on the premise that you were a virgin and too pure to make love with me until it was legal. When I saw that picture and realized that all you wanted was my money and social position I went a little mad."

  His hands clutched the back of the chair he had been sitting in and she could see the muscles flex in his arms. "I'm older now," he continued, "and more tolerant of your sexual experience."

  She cringed at the coldness of his words, and her only thought was to hurt him as he had hurt her. "But aren't you afraid I might revert to my old ways and take lovers on the side?" she taunted.

  She thought she saw him wince, but if so he checked it quickly and forced a grin that was more of a grimace. "The thought never occurred to me. I intend to keep you too—well satisfied—to have the urge or the energy for anybody but me."

  Something inside Gina seemed to shrivel and her shoulders slumped. She should have known better than to play word games with Peter Van Housen; no one ever bested him in anything. She rubbed her temples with her fingers as she said, "You forget, I'm in love with Stewart. I'm going to marry him just as soon as our lawyers can bring this dissolution action to court so don't make any long-range plans about playing house with me. I'll see you in hell first."

  She didn't hear him move on the carpeted floor, and she jumped as his hands gripped her shoulders and pulled her back against the long length of him. She could feel his warm breath on her cheek. "Then you'd better dress in something cool because you'll be there a long time," he murmured softly. "I have a team of the best attorneys in the west and they have a lot of political clout. We can and will delay this dissolution hearing indefinitely."

  His fingers tightened to a bruising hold and his voice hardened. "Meanwhile stay out of Stewart Tobias's bed. I won't have my wife sleeping with another man."

  He released her suddenly and walked out of the apartment slamming the door behind him.

  Several days later a letter arrived from her attorney stating that Mr. Van Housen had declared his intention to contest the suit for dissolution and therefore the proceedings would be more complicated than first thought. Gina crumpled the heavy bond paper in her hand and knew that she could no longer put off telling Stewart about this latest impediment to gaining her freedom. She couldn't take the chance that Peter might contact him directly. He and Stewart had apparently been friends until she entered the picture but now they hated each other's guts.

  She gazed at the cream-colored telephone on her desk. There was no need for her to drive all the way back up to the cabin when she could call and talk to him. He was busy and so was she; there was no need to waste a whole day on this. After all it was just a matter of keeping him informed; it wasn't something they had to talk at length about.

  She picked up the phone and her hand hovered over the dial. What was she going to say to him? We'll have to postpone the wedding indefinitely, darling, my husband won't give me a divorce? Or maybe, My husband is holding up the divorce, dear, but I know you won't mind remaining celibate for two or three more years until you can legally go to bed with me.

  Gina slammed the phone back in its cradle with a resounding bang and dropped her heated face in her hands. Damn! Why did everything have to be so complicated? Couldn't she just once have simple problems like other people? Was there no end to this nightmare?

  She loved Stewart. He was kind and considerate and he loved her deeply, and still it was Peter who aroused her to a fever pitch. This situation couldn't go on and it was time she did something about it.

  Again she reached for the phone and dialed quickly. Stewart answered on the first ring. "Gina," he exclaimed happily, "I was just thinking about you."

  "I was thinking about you, too," Gina said, "and I—Stewart, I want to see you."

  "Not as much as I want to see you, sweetheart," he answered huskily. "How about tomorrow evening? I have some business to take care of in Fort Bragg and I have to shop for supplies, I'm running out of everything up here. I'll pick you up about six and we'll have dinner, okay? I've missed you like crazy."

  She realized that he'd put the wrong interpretation on her request to see him but it was too late now. She'd try to explain tomorrow without hurting him.

  Gina made a special effort to sound happy and enthusiastic as she agreed. They talked for a few minutes and just before he rang off he said, "I love you, Gina."

  The words, meant to reassure, made her feel like the cheat Peter thought she was. What a tragic mess, she thought as she replaced the phone. Stewart loved her and she loved Peter.

  "Oh no!" she groaned aloud as she brought her pondering thoughts to a screeching halt. She couldn't love Peter! She couldn't be so stupid as to fall in love with Peter Van Housen all over again. She'd had enough of loving that man to last her a lifetime. She was not a masochist, she was an intelligent, well-educated woman who had risen from the rubble of a shattered romance once and had no intention of repeating the performance. She wasn't going to revert back to the loves
ick little ninny who didn't know the difference between a man's love and his lust.

  So, fine, she would somehow keep her desire for Peter under control, but what about Stewart? Could she in all decency remain engaged to him when her body cried out for another man? That was the basest type of dishonesty, but wasn't it better than telling him the truth? Stewart loved her enough to wait for her and she'd be a good wife to him. Surely she was woman enough to simulate a passion she didn't feel. He need never know—

  Don't be such a self-deceiving hypocrite! she mentally castigated herself. Of course Stewart would know. He was a loving and sensitive man and she would hurt him far more by marrying him than she would by making a clean break of it now. She would never live with Peter as his wife, but neither could she offer Stewart second-best. When she saw him tomorrow she would give him back his ring.

  That proved to be easier said than done. She decided not to have dinner with him but to tell him as soon as he arrived and not prolong the agony. Still she didn't want to greet him looking tired and grubby after a day's work, so she left the gallery early and went upstairs to shower and change into a mint green dress with a large ruffle at the low V-neckline that widened to a short cape at the shoulders and back. She added a touch of matching green eye shadow to accent her violet eyes, and a cherry shade of lip gloss completed her make-up.

  When Stewart arrived he swept her into his arms and planted a long, lingering kiss on her soft willing mouth. She couldn't hurt him by resisting, and besides she liked to have him kiss her. He didn't arouse her to a smoldering passion, but his kisses represented warmth, stability and security. She could have been happy married to this loving older man if Peter hadn't come into her life again.

  He held her close and his beard felt soft against her cheek. "I've missed you, darling," he murmured. "Let's get married before I start my next book. I want you with me, even though I'm not very good company when I'm writing."