Almost Heaven

by Jillian Hart

  The path to his new and future love. There wasn’t a car in the parking lot, save for his. All the folks were in town enjoying the festivities. It seemed as if the angels were looking out for him—he just might have Kendra all to himself tonight.

  There she was, standing in the main aisle of the big stable, a pitchfork in hand. Already he knew the curve of her face, the line of her back, the stretch of her arm as she worked. Tenderness fired through him. It hurt to love again, but he would not back down. He would not be afraid. I know she’s the one, Lord. Maybe you could open her heart, just a little. Help her to look at me in a whole new light.

  As if she felt his presence, the way he could feel hers, her stance tensed. She turned, not in fear, but in expectation, knowing exactly where he stood in the aisle. Like the moon always facing the earth, bound by a great force, she faced him.

  “I told you I might be stopping by.” As if that force pulled him now, moving him beyond his will, he strode toward her without remembering how he was suddenly in front of her. “I heard it’s your birthday tomorrow.”

  “Heard? Who would have told you something like that? If it was one of my sisters, I’ll have to ban her from Monopoly night for at least a month. Maybe more.”

  “Wow, you’re sure tough. I’ll have to remember not to get on your bad side.”

  “Your deputy saw my license. That’s how you know.”

  “Guilty. We lawmen have our ways of getting any information we want.” He handed her the flower-filled vase. “Happy birthday a day early, pretty lady.”

  She gazed up at him with big doe eyes, wide with an emotion he sure hoped was delight. “You picked sunflowers for me?”

  “Yep. Look at the vase.”

  “Cameron.” The generous arrangement of sunflowers had caught her eye at first, but now she saw the delicate-cut glass horses galloping around the breathtaking vase. “No, this is too expensive. This isn’t right. I can’t accept this.”

  “Sure you can. I want you to have it.”

  “But—” And sunflowers, too. Images of last night surrounded her, the nodding flowers, the burning sunset, how hard she’d held on to her faith. Relying on her belief to help her forget. To keep her standing alone and strong.

  “I’ve got a basket here. Picked up a fried-chicken meal from the café. Even got Jodi to make you up a special birthday cake. A little one, for the two of us. If you want, we can have a picnic, and when night falls we ought to be able to see the fireworks from town. Even brought my telescope if you wanted to stargaze.”

  She had to be misunderstanding. “I’ve never had a client bring me flowers before, much less dinner.”

  “I’m a client, sure, but I thought I was more than that.”

  A slow tremble rocked deep through the scars in her soul. Her ears were buzzing. “We’re friends. That’s what we agreed on, right? Last night on the trail ride and today at the festival. You and I are just friends.”

  Why was her voice high and thin? Kendra took a deep breath and let it out. The sunflowers became a yellow-and-amber blur. “We’re mostly strangers, Cameron. I don’t think this is appropriate. I don’t want this.”

  “I do. I just have to know. Is there a chance that you can love me?”

  He stood as stalwart as the Montana mountains at his back, his heart in his hand.

  She stumbled back, panic flooding her like a river at spring thaw. There was no way, no possible way. “I thought you understood. I appreciate your business—”

  “My business? Sure, but last night wasn’t business. Not today. Not now. I came here tonight because I thought I had a chance with you. I know what you’re thinking. I’m not the best-paid man in these parts, but I’m honest and honorable and I’ll treat you better than any man ever has. Or ever will.”

  “What? A chance with me?” She couldn’t be hearing him right.

  “Being loved by you must be like holding a fistful of heaven. Something a man knows he doesn’t deserve by his own right, but by grace. That’s what love is, a gift from above. I know. I thought my heart had died right along with Debra, until you came along.”

  “No, you’ve misunderstood, Cameron. I’m not in love with you.”

  He looked crestfallen, but undefeatable. “I know what happened to you. What you’re afraid of.”

  “You don’t know anything.” There was no way, no possible way, she was looking backward. Only forward. To her future alone. That’s the way it had to be. The only way she could keep going. “I won’t talk about what happened, and you don’t know, or you would never mention it around me.”

  “Jerrod was one man—”

  “Don’t you say his name.” She thrust the flowers blindly onto the tack shelf and turned, seeing only the haze of sunset through the stable door and the smear of concrete at her feet. She wouldn’t allow the past to rise up and drown her. She did not have to remember. She did not have to feel like that ever again.

  “Kendra. I’m sorry.” Cameron’s footsteps pounded behind her, concern raw in his deep voice.

  Cameron was a powerful man. He could stop her if he wanted. Hold her captive. Make her feel as defenseless as she had that horrible night and during the quieter, desperate times before that.

  The years stripped away and suddenly she was helpless again, on the floor, blood mixing with the tears on her tongue, holding her broken arm to her ribs, curled up and waiting for the next blow to come.

  “You’re shaking.” Cameron’s voice sounded a mile away. His hand settled on her shoulder. “You’re cold.”

  “It’s the air-conditioning. I’m going outside. Let go of me, Cameron.”

  “Sure.” He released her, looking confused. “You’re safe with me. You know that?”

  “Sure, you’re the sheriff.” She didn’t think any man was safe, but what was the use of saying that to him? Cameron was a good man, she knew that.

  So was Jerrod. Everyone said so. But good didn’t mean without flaws. Every human on this earth had faults. Lord knew she had enough of her own, and she’d worked hard on forgiveness, but how could she forget? Every time she was alone with a man, every time she’d tried to date over the years, it was always the same.

  She could not help feeling defenseless on that gritty, cold kitchen floor. Terrified and wounded and broken. No man was ever going to make her feel that way again. She’d make sure of it.

  “You weren’t going to ride Warrior tonight, were you?” she choked out, holding on desperately to the one purpose that had helped her through the days—her business. “I didn’t saddle him. I’m going to close up early tonight. Maybe you could go home.”

  “Kendra.” He followed her, climbing through the fence rails after her, radiating concern and strength and mercy, just as he had that night when he saved her from being hit one more time.

  Would he follow her all the way to her house? Couldn’t he see that it was his goodness she feared? Because it made her want and it made her wish and made her yearn to trust.

  She would not run. She would not hide. She faced him, hands fisted, holding herself around the middle, defenses on full alert to protect what remained of her heart. “I can’t do this. I can’t start dating you.”

  “You say that like I’ve got the plague or something. Look, I know what this is about. You look at me, and you see him. You think one man hurt you, then any man can.”

  “I don’t want any man. I don’t want you. Not like that.” She heard the edge in her words. Hated the sound of it. When had she become so hard?

  It was too late to take it back. She wouldn’t if she could. He had to understand. She had to protect herself. What she hated was having done it badly.

  Silence like a startled slap stretched between them as larks whipped through the grasses, skimming on the last light before sunset. Jingles breathed out in an impatient “whoosh” at being ignored.

  Goose bumps chilled Kendra’s arms as she watched Cameron, a tiny part of her afraid at angering him.

  Soldier-strong, as s
elf-controlled and as noble as a warrior of old, he did not move. Long shadows of evening wrapped around him until he looked so alone, it made her want to reach out and pull him close. To kiss the pain away.

  How wrong was that? He didn’t need her, not really. How could he? He was a man. He was twice as strong as she was. What kind of heart did any man have, anyway? She was right in turning away. Right in leaving him standing there alone in the coming darkness.

  She didn’t need him. She didn’t need anyone.

  How long he stood in the field, she didn’t know. She told herself she didn’t care, but she did. She crunched through the bleached dry grasses toward home, the sunflowers bowing before her as the sun disappeared and darkness came. Fighting the urge to look back and see if he had remained. Or if he had fled.

  The phone was ringing in the echoes of her empty kitchen as she burst through the back door. Let it ring, she didn’t want to talk to anyone. She felt as if she was breaking apart inside as if it had happened all over again, as if all those years of rebuilding her life and protecting herself had been stripped away, and she was wounded and bleeding from the inside.

  “Hey. It’s Michelle,” came her sister’s cheerful voice through the decades-old answering machine. “Somebody I know is having a birthday tomorrow. Expect to be stolen away. No I-have-to-work kind of excuses, got it? Mom baked your favorite cake, that’s all I’m going to say because it’s a surprise, but I know how you can be bribed with chocolate. Be ready at noon, or I’ll send the local sheriff to hunt you down! Later!”

  The click echoed in her lonely kitchen. Cameron. Was he still standing outside? She pulled apart the curtain sheers. Twilight crept across the paddock, hugging the forest on the other side of the fencing. The firs cast shadows over the knoll where Cameron had last stood.

  It was too dark to see him. She felt his pain in her soul, as absolute as the encroaching night.

  She’d been too harsh, she’d handled the situation badly. Was there any way to fix it? No, if she went out there and spoke to him, apologized for her words and her rejection, it would only make it seem as if she cared.

  She couldn’t afford to care. Her life was safe. Isolated but safe. That’s the way it had to be. She couldn’t have a good man like Cameron coming around with more on his mind than simple friendship.

  But he’s hurting. Tears stung behind her eyelids as she sank to the floor. She was hurting, too. Why did her soul ache, longing for his tenderness?

  There was no answer as the last shadows of twilight slipped away and left her in total darkness.

  Cameron drove without seeing along the two-lane country roads back to the edge of town. Numb, that’s what he was. Numb and shocked. He’d left the flowers, but the basket of packed food was on the passenger seat and the smell of fried chicken, normally appetizing, was making his gut twist.

  I don’t want any man. I don’t want you. Her words haunted him. Her fear troubled him more as he slowed down for traffic at the edge of town.

  Folks were heading in to catch the last of the rodeo and the firework display. Traffic congestion was a rare thing, but it bugged him mightily as he slowed down to a stall. Hurting bad, he wanted to go home and lick his wounds.

  How could he have been so blind? He’d misread everything. Angry at himself, angry at Kendra for not understanding, he jabbed off the CD player. He wasn’t in the mood for music, either.

  He wasn’t really mad at Kendra. He was enraged at Jerrod. What kind of man hurt a woman? Broke her bones? Kicked her when she was huddling on the floor in terror at his feet? How many times had he treated her like that?

  Jerrod—the respected state patrolman who’d been captain of the football team his senior year, when Kendra was cheerleader. What a perfect couple they’d made, he remembered. Everyone thought they would marry as soon as Jerrod had finished his training with the state patrol.

  How long had he been cruel to her in private? Cameron had his hands full during that time with Debra’s sickness and taking care of her. Trying to be all that she needed. But he did remember how flawless Jerrod and Kendra had looked together in public, crossing the street to the diner. How happy her family had seemed with the match. How many years had Kendra said nothing? Maybe she’d feared no one would understand.

  Yeah, he’d seen it too many times in his line of work. It saddened him, weighed on his soul.

  He flicked up the fan and let the icy blast from the air-conditioning beat across his face.

  Some folks who lived close by were walking along the gravel shoulders, and that made the traffic situation worse. He spotted teenagers ambling across the middle of the road. Families bunched together on the shoulder, slowing down the outgoing traffic.

  He lowered his window to see if he ought to lend a hand. He spotted John Corey, the volunteer fire chief, heading his way. “Need any help?”

  “No, we’ve got it covered. Say, you’re sitting here alone. I thought you might have one of the McKaslin girls in here. Noticed you two have been together lately. Good for you, Cam.”

  Pain clawed through his chest. He clenched his jaw, refusing to let it show. “She’s been a good friend to me.”

  “Sure, I get it. It’s private. I know. You must be meeting her here. I’ll keep my nose out of your business.”

  “How’s your wife doing?”

  “Alexandra’s doing great. She’s got the kids with her. I’ll be glad when I can finish up here and get back to her.”

  “Let me take over. I don’t have anywhere to be.” Cameron had requested this evening off so he could be with Kendra, and that hadn’t panned out. He didn’t want to be alone. He might as well lend a hand, and this way he could help out John, a good friend.

  “What about that pretty lady you’re seeing?”

  She doesn’t want me. He bit back the words. Agony left him speechless as he shrugged. He had to clear his throat. “Don’t you worry about me. Let me take over so you can spend time with your wife and kids.”

  “I’d appreciate it. Joshua is old enough this year to enjoy the fireworks. Cassie is still too little, but I’d sure like to be there with ’em.”

  “Then go. And take this.” Cameron handed over the basket of food, and before John could say a word, nosed his pickup onto the grassland off the road. He’d keep busy, serving his town, helping out. Watching as other men with wives and kids came to enjoy the celebration.

  He took the flashlight from John, sent him on to his family and tirelessly worked until the last car was off the road and parked.

  Only then did he head home, driving away as bright bursts of red and blue and green lights flared in the sky behind him, glowing in his rearview mirror.

  His rental house was dark and lonely as the winds gusted, and clouds snuffed out the last of the starlight. He couldn’t face going in tonight. He hadn’t realized how loving Kendra had put the spark of life back in him. What was he going to do now?

  He sat on the top step and let the night surround him. There was comfort in the cloak of darkness that felt the same color as his soul tonight.

  The faint noise from the carnival rides and the stadium’s cheering drifted along with the gusty wind. The boom and exploding light of the fireworks blazed up high. Reminded him that everything he’d wanted was gone.

  Kendra didn’t love him. It didn’t sound as if she ever would.

  Defeated, utterly alone, he rested his face in his hands.

  Chapter Eleven

  “Hey, who gave you the flowers?” Michelle waded through the grassy field, looking happy and relaxed and lovely in her fashionable summer maternity outfit. “Nice vase, too. Was it from any of the handsome lawmen in this town?”

  “Stop teasing, please.” Kendra gave her attention to the stallion easing forward to steal the garden-fresh carrot from her palm. “That’s a good boy. See? I’m not going to hurt you.”

  The wild animal retreated, crunching the vegetable, his gaze fastening firmly on her, not ready to trust. But he already was. He just
wasn’t ready to admit it yet.

  The older mare nosed her hand. “Hello, girl. I’m all out of carrots, but I’ve got one more LifeSavers.”

  The mare lipped up the treat, crunching gratefully. She’d lived a hard life surviving in the wild, but she was safe now. As if she knew it, the mare hesitated, almost trusting enough to be stroked. Tenderness for the animal filled her. Kendra knew she’d make a fine saddle horse in time, and would appreciate the companionship of the right person.

  “You’ve got them looking pretty tame.” Michelle hooked her arms over the rail and squinted, watching the horses. “Even the stallion isn’t trying to knock you around.”

  “I’m charming him with food.” At least Michelle wasn’t wanting to talk about Cameron. Every time she thought of him, the pain behind her sternum intensified. Then stop thinking about him, Kendra!

  “Everyone’s up at the house.” Michelle ran her hand over the curve of her tummy. “Karen has Allie up on Honeybear. She’s having a great time. I haven’t seen that old pony have that much sparkle in him for years.”

  “He misses having a little girl to love.”

  “Awesome. Only, when my little one is old enough, I get Honeybear next.”

  “There’s still Michael and Allie ahead of your baby.” Kendra ducked through the boards, suddenly struck with a grief so large, her knees buckled. She grabbed the fence for balance. She hadn’t been this sad since she’d left Jerrod. Or rather, since she’d talked him into leaving her alone.

  Being an aunt wasn’t enough. She craved a better life. One filled with the happiness and love she saw on her sister’s face. Michelle radiated joy, the peaceful, contented kind, and it wasn’t only because of the baby she carried safe, beneath her heart.

  “Can I ask you something?” Kendra dared to query as they hoofed it up the knoll toward her lonely cottage. “I remember how your first real boyfriend cheated on you.”