Where to Pee on a Pirate Ship

by L. L. Muir

  “Then why did you look so relieved when I told you I didn’t have a costume yet?”

  Now she grinned, like she had me in a corner with no way out, which she did.

  “Because my mom says no one has called the number at the bottom of the invitation. And she’s desperate. It was her idea to get some of the costumes from the movie set, but it looks like no one needs them. I thought maybe you could cheer her up...”

  The good news was, I was once again going to Logan Stowe’s Annual Monster Mash--with a first-hand ticket! The bad news was, I was going to have to call the number at the bottom of the invitation and confess that I was the only loser in town who could not come up with a pirate costume.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Once I explained things to my mom, she was so relieved she cried. Apparently she’d been trying to make a second costume in her bedroom at night, but the staples were not holding and she’d run out of pajamas. She asked what I planned to be for Halloween next year and thank goodness I already had the Headless Horseman planned. She looked as relieved as I was.

  I still kept the invitation a secret. It seemed to me that bragging about it only made other kids feel bad that they didn’t get one. And I remember how that felt.

  A very happy Mrs. Stowe came by the house to take my measurements, then a few days later, she delivered a costume in a black suit bag, and a box that went with it. I decided that I wouldn’t peek at it until the day of the party. I didn’t want any new movies running through my head about what I was going to look like and what I was going to say and do when I got to the Monster Mash.

  For once in my life, I wanted to just wait and see what happened.

  My mother couldn’t stand it. She peeked while I was at school. When I got home, she announced that she was going to take sewing lessons if it killed her. I hoped it would take her five years to learn. By then, I’d be 18 and I wouldn’t legally have to wear anything she made for me.

  It took so long for the big day to finally get here that I felt like I could have built my own pirate ship while I was waiting.

  It was a Saturday. The party started at three. I got in the shower at eleven o’clock, to be safe. I was so nervous and sweaty, I showered again at one.

  Standing next to my bed in my underwear, I opened the suit bag. The first thing I saw was purple and I almost zipped it back up. But then I remembered that the main character in the new pirate movie wore purple and I almost got excited. Getting excited is never a good idea, though. Nothing can ever live up to your expectations, can they?

  I zipped the bag all the way down. My mother was breathing on the other side of my bedroom door, but she was letting me do this alone. I was thirteen. She couldn’t just come in there and dress me, right?

  Two giant boots made the bottom of the bag fat and heavy, so I took them out. They looked like they would go up past my knees and I worried that Mrs. Stowe might be as talented with a measuring tape as my mom was with a sewing machine. The heels were a little tall, like cowboy boots. I tried to remember what the movie pirate’s boots looked like, but my mind was blank.

  The first hanger had a super long purple vest on it. The second had a funky white shirt with gold buttons and tight cuffs that went nearly to my elbow. It had this gross lace that had to be a mistake. I figured I could tuck it in.

  Next was a pair of long red shorts that tied at the knees and my stomach rolled over and tried to swallow itself.

  I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my life. I was going to have to actually go out and get hit by a car and get a real cast put on my leg to keep from hurting everyone’s feelings, but I was absolutely not going to put on this clown suit and walk out of my bedroom, let alone my house.

  My mom cleared her throat. I wondered if she realized I was about to start crying like a baby. Sometimes she’s funny like that, knowing before I do, that I’m about to flip out.

  A paper wagged back and forth under the door.

  What in the heck is she doing?

  The paper stopped moving. I went and picked it up. It was a magazine ad for The Treasure Map of Time. The three main characters were standing together, aiming pistols at each other. Each man had two pistols and two enemies, though from the shoulders up, it looked like they were all great friends, posing for a picture. Very funny. I couldn’t wait for the movie to come out at Christmas.

  Then I noticed the purple.

  The main character wore a bright purple coat. His long vest was green and his pants were black. But the man to the left wore red pants, tucked into extra tall boots with fancy buckles. His vest was purple, and his coat was dark gray. His hair was long, curly and blond. His hat was kind of high, like the Mad Hatter in Alice and Wonderland. He had a giant red jewel attached to one of his ears and there were sword handles sticking out all over. One even stuck out of his boot.

  “Cool!”

  I looked back at the bed. One of the boots had fallen on the floor and blond hair was spilling out of it.

  “No way!” I didn’t know if I was thinking there was no way there was a wig stuffed in that boot, or if there was no way I’d be caught dead wearing it, but wouldn’t it be cool if there was a dark gray coat in that bag? And I still hadn’t looked in the box! What if there were swords in it?

  Nah. Too short for swords.

  My mom knocked on the door. “Just how patient do you think I am, Cameron? Put them on and let me see!”

  I hurried to the bed and started pulling stuff on like the house was on fire and I could only rescue what clothes I could put on before the ceiling caved in. I don’t remember deciding that I was going to put on the clown suit after all. I mean, it might end up looking like a clown suit, and I may end up refusing to go to the party, but I owed it to Mrs. Stowe to at least try, right?

  There were really long socks. I put them on first. Then the red pants, but they didn’t have a zipper. There were some buttons hiding behind a flap of material. I tried three times before I got them done up right. But how was I supposed to tie the knees?

  “Mom!”

  The door flew open and my mom came to my rescue. She helped me figure out the rest and kept me from just standing there in shock when every single piece of that character’s outfit was there. Including all the sword handles! Of course the actual swords were nothing but a piece of plastic to hold the handles in place on the costume, but I was going to look so freaking cool it wasn’t funny.

  At the back of the suit bag, there was a dark gray coat. Stuck on the pocket was a big red jewel that turned out to be a clip on earring. And the last thing I pulled out of the box was the Mad Hatter Hat.

  Only it was way too big.

  I was so bummed. I came so close to looking just like the character. But the hat was probably the part that would make it recognizable.

  “Maybe we could stuff it with something,” I suggested, pulling the brim back up off my nose.

  My mom just laughed and turned away. A second later, a big blond wig was flying through the air and landing on my head.

  “I’ll look like a girl,” I grumbled while my mom pulled it tight on my head. The earring didn’t help, and it stung, but only for a minute. I stopped complaining when the hat came down again, only it stopped just where it was supposed to. In fact, it fit perfectly.

  My mom held the movie ad above my shoulder while I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked exactly like the dude. Jack Sparrow, eat your heart out!

  For the next hour, my mom nearly had to sit on me to keep me from pacing. My dad just laughed and took lots of pictures. I worried none of them would turn out because he was shaking so badly when he took them. When there were at least twenty that were good enough to save, I let him put the camera down. If the movie turned out to be a big hit, I wanted lots of proof that I once wore that costume.

  I was going to the perfect party, wearing the perfect costume. I remember thinking that there was nothing that could ruin that night for me.

  I was wrong.

  CHAPTER SIX />
  I had no idea how we found the party, but my mom’s as good with directions as she is with a glue gun. We stopped, along with a lot of other cars, at the edge of a cornfield. Some security dude came up to the car and asked to see my invitation. He checked for my name on a list, then he handed the map back over to my dad, probably so he could find the place again.

  “Your pick up time is 9:05, sir.”

  My dad laughed and drove away. My mom was crying. It was like they’d dropped me off at military school or something.

  The security dude pointed to a wide path that cut into the field. A couple of kids were already headed into it, so I followed. Trying to walk cool in high heeled boots, through a cornfield, just wasn’t possible, so I slowed down a little so the kids ahead of me wouldn’t notice.

  Up ahead, there was a line of those really tall trees and I could see giant poles and ropes sticking up even higher. Squeezing through the wall of leaves were little puffs of smoke and I wondered if maybe the party was going to be called on account of fire. I wanted to stop and take a good look, but it took all my attention to keep from walking like a girl. No one was running away, so I took that as a good sign. Besides, I’d rather burn up in a cornfield than be seen running like a girl, in high heels and a curly wig, I don’t care how cool my costume was.

  Some guy with a huge camera stopped the kids ahead of me, so I hung back. He took their pictures, then let them go on. Then he took a look at me. I started walking, planning to just pass him and pretend I didn’t care what he thought, but he stood in my way.

  “Wait! Wait! You’re Cameron Casey, I presume.”

  I stopped trying to walk around him. How the heck did he know my name?

  “Yeah,” I said.

  “We’ve been waiting for you. But just let me get a couple of shots out here in the field.”

  I frowned at him. Was he trying to make me look stupid?

  “That’s great. Fierce is great.” He snapped some shots. “Now a smile.”

  I gritted my teeth.

  He laughed. “Well, we’ll get a smile another time. I’d better let you head in.”

  He stepped aside and I started walking again, as manly as possible. I could hear the guy following close behind, but I wouldn’t turn around. But then I came to the end of the path and tripped. Someone caught my elbow and kept me from falling on my face. When I looked to my right, to say thank you, I nearly fell again, trying to back away from them.

  I couldn’t tell if it was a woman or a short man behind the beard, but they were being a little too friendly with my arm.

  Then I realized I was trying to pull away from Brooklyn Stowe!

  I stopped pulling and she giggled.

  “It’s me, Cam.” She giggled again. “You look amazing.”

  We stood there staring at each other for a whole ten seconds. She was dressed as the third pirate from the movie flyer. She looked amazing, as usual, even if she was wearing a big brown beard and men’s clothing. Her boots matched mine, but I was sure she was able to walk in them with no problem. She wore a gold sparkly vest beneath a black coat with long tails, her pants were white. Brooklyn definitely didn’t look like a clown.

  “You look good too,” I said.

  I thought she was going to let go of my arm, but she didn’t. Then the photographer came around and started taking shots of the two of us!

  “Can I get a copy of that?” I asked.

  “Absolutely,” he said.

  “Isn’t it great?” Brooklyn stepped back and looked up.

  I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed the full sized pirate ship propped up in the middle of a clearing the size of our school gym! Fog billowed out around the masts and sails, then rolled along the side of the ship making it look like it might actually be floating. Giant ropes led from the masts out into the corn stalks and disappeared. They were probably holding the thing up, like a circus tent.

  I was thinking it would be so cool to actually get up on board, but the ship deck had to be twenty feet from the ground and no one looked like they had a staircase handy. Besides, the Stowes had promised to keep everyone as safe as possible, and falling from that railing might kill someone.

  Bummer.

  A bell clanged up on the ship and I realized someone was up there.

  Another great pirate costume moved to the rail. It was the main character, the one wearing the purple coat and a big black wig. I knew it had to be Logan Stowe. From the little slant of his eyes, he kind of looked like he had Down Syndrome. And he was grinning like someone had just given him his very own pirate ship.

  He stepped up to the rail and put one of his boots up on it, then raised his arms like he’d just won an Olympic medal. The crowd erupted around me, cheering and whistling. I looked at Brooklyn. She was clapping too, but she had tears in her eyes.

  The photographer was going crazy, snapping shots of Logan, then the crowd, then Logan again. Then I noticed a second guy who was filming and I thought it was so cool for Logan’s family to make him the star of the show.

  Logan put his hands out and hushed the crowd. The only sounds were the fog machines belching out another cloud.

  “Who wishes to board my ship?” Logan slurred a little, but he was easy enough to understand. Still, someone to my left asked another kid what Logan had said.

  Brooklyn raised her hand and stepped forward. “Permission to come aboard, sir!”

  “Permission granted,” Logan answered.

  She ran over to the ship and a swing was lowered to the ground. As soon as she sat on it, she was lifted up and helped onto the ship.

  The crowd went crazy again.

  A tall man, who had to be Mr. Stowe, came to the rail. He wore a big white shirt and a bandana over his head and looked more like a real pirate than anyone else. He told everyone to line up with Logan’s friends first. Then he looked around until he spotted me.

  “Mr. Casey! Will you come to the front of the line, sir?”

  Me? Why me?

  Someone pushed me from behind. The crowd backed away as I walked up to the swing, like they thought I was in trouble or something. I was starting to wonder if I was too.

  Mr. Stowe smiled down. “We need the three of you in place before we start taking pictures. But you’ll have to get permission to come aboard, of course.” He nodded toward Logan.

  I was so scared my voice would crack, so I cleared my throat first, then yelled, “Permission to come aboard, sir.”

  Logan grinned at me. For a second I thought he was going to say “Who in the heck are you?”

  I was relieved when he hollered, “Permission granted.”

  Mr. Stowe looked out over the crowd again while I was lifted up to the railing.

  “The schedule, you bilge rats, will proceed as follows. As soon as you’ve boarded, you will have your photographs taken with the three characters from the movie, The Treasure Map of Time. You will then go below decks to watch a little movie we’ve put together behind the scenes. Then we’ll give you a tour of The Grey Swan—which is the ship you see before you. We’ll feed you, make you walk the plank, and make you dance. Now, who’s next?”

  We were going to get our pictures taken with the guys from the movie? How cool was that?

  Brooklyn waved me over to her. Logan gave his dad permission to give out permission, then came and joined us. He shook my hand and grinned again.

  “Nith to meet you, Cameron,” he said.

  “Nice to meet you too,” I said, and let him shake my hand as long as he wanted. “Thanks for letting me come to your Monster Mash.”

  “You are welcome,” he said.

  A short girl stood next to the rail and peeked over, then backed up like she was scared. She had Down Syndrome too. She peeked again, then backed away again. I think she liked to scare herself.

  Logan pointed at her. “Thath’s my gur friend. Her name ith Lidia.”

  “Oh, yeah?” I tried not to sound too surprised. “Have you kissed her yet?”

  Loga
n laughed, then ran over to Lidia and whispered in her ear. She covered her face and ran away giggling. Logan called her back, telling her she had to get her picture taken before she could go play.

  When the photographer led us all over to three big chairs that looked like thrones, I was so excited I felt sick. If we were about to meet real movie stars, my mom was going to flip out.

  But then, Brooklyn pushed me toward one of the chairs.

  “Sit down, Cam. Everyone is going to get their pictures taken with us.”

  I tried to look cool with it, but inside I was pretty disappointed. I thought I was going to get to meet someone important. But after a couple dozen kids looked pretty excited to get their pictures taken with the three of us, I was feeling pretty important myself. Of course anyone would be excited to get their picture taken with Brooklyn Stowe, but it was pretty cool being treated like a movie star, if only for a half hour.

  Logan held a long cane as part of his costume. He pounded on the ground with it and announced, “Bring me wine!”

  Mrs. Stowe, dressed as a serving wench, brought a tray with silver goblets and served the three of us.

  Logan was sitting in the middle. He leaned my way. “Ith not really wine. Ith red punch.”

  Mrs. Stowe had to wipe his face so he didn’t have a red mustache for the rest of the pictures.

  When we finally went down the ladder into the belly of the ship, I was already exhausted. It was nice to sit on a bench and get a sneak peak at the movie. The character dressed like me was called Mongo Remmington. Sometimes, when I couldn’t see his face, I could almost believe it was me on the screen.

  It showed some characters being forced to walk the plank, with their hands tied behind their backs. But right below the plank was one of those big square balloon things that stunt men land on when they jump off buildings and stuff.

  I thought there was no way they would make us do that.

  Once again, I was wrong.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  The tour of the ship was pretty short. We were shown a few ‘trade secrets,’ like where the fire sprinklers were hidden among the ropes and pulleys above the sails. There was even a fire hose on the main deck that just looked like a giant coil of rope. The nozzle was tucked down into the middle, like the head of a big snake, taking a nap. I couldn’t wait to see the movie, to see if I could tell.