by Amy Brent
“Aren’t you going to ask how my week’s been?” Kylie asked.
I was avoiding the topic and I knew it was terrible of me to do so. I figured that was as good of an opening as I was going to get from her. Maybe this dinner would be a nice, calm place to have a frank discussion about how things had gone down with my father.
“I am,” I said. “How has your week been so far with my father?”
“So you did remember. That’s…good.”
My smile fell into a tight grin as she pulled her foot away from mine.
“Things are going very well,” she said. “Working alongside your father is really going to help boost my career in the field. He has a wealth of knowledge to pass down, and the office he gave me is much more than I could’ve imagined. I’m really glad we haven’t fought about this again, because I feel in my bones that this was the right decision for my career—like you with your film and Sundance.”
I ground my teeth together, trying to keep an even temper. What she did was nothing like what I had done with my film. I hadn’t blindside her with it. I hadn’t picked it over working with her on a project because it would be more lucrative. I hadn’t done any of the things she did to me in front of my father, embarrassing me in front of all those people.
“Adam?”
“Yeah. What was that?” I asked.
“Did you hear me?”
“I’m sorry. I was focused on the menu. What did you say, sweetheart?”
“I said I’ll be able to afford a better apartment soon.”
My mind flew back to the conversation I’d had with Sawyer. Was she hinting at what I thought she was hinting at? My heart leaped to my throat and my legs locked underneath the table. I cleared my throat to try to rid it of the knot before reaching for my water and taking a sip of it.
“That’s good,” I said. “Are you thinking about cutting your lease and moving?”
“Well, I’m not happy with where I’m living. It was all I could afford while working in college. But now that I have this job with your father and I am making a steady income, I could afford something nicer, safer. Maybe a bit bigger?”
“Why would you need something a bit bigger? Are you feeling cramped where you are right now?”
“Adam, come on,” she said.
“Kylie, communicate with me. Tell me what you’re talking about. Our weak point is this communication thing we’ve got going on right now. You expect me to read your mind and then get angry at me when I don’t.”
“I don’t expect that at all. We’ve talked about moving in together on several occasions. We’ve been together for four years, Adam. I love you. Don’t you think it’s time to take that next step?”
“We just re-signed our leases. Why don’t we talk about it once they come up for renegotiation?” I asked.
“You said that the last time, and we never talked about it. Adam, I want to be with you,” she said as she took my hand. “I don’t want us to be angry at each other anymore. We’ve been upset for two solid months.”
“I haven’t been upset.”
“You’ve been avoiding me. That means you’re upset.”
“And you don’t talk when your upset. We have our faults,” I said.
She sighed and sat back in her chair, staring out the window. I knew I wasn’t being fair, but I was tired of all of this being my fault. I was tired of constantly being blamed and put at the forefront of all our problems. We were equally at fault for where we ended up as a couple, so it was our responsibility as a couple to get back.
“Look at me, Kylie.”
She slowly panned her gaze over to mine as I reached out for her hand.
“Come here?” I asked.
I wiggled my fingers and her hand crept over mine. I wrapped my skin around hers and felt the warmth pulsing through her veins. Fuck, it had been so long since I’d treated her body to something spectacular. I was hoping to do that after dinner. It would be the make-up sex session to end all make-up sex sessions.
“I know things have been hard with us. I’m under pressure with Sundance and this film, and you’re under pressure with graduation and looming student loan payments. I get it. I get why you took the job with my father.”
“You do?” she asked.
“I do. I’m not angry with you. I’m upset that I don’t get to work alongside you like I thought I would, but I’m not angry with you. And if you want to talk about moving in together, then let’s give it a couple months and we can revisit it. If we still want to move in together, then I’ll cut my lease, you can cut yours, and we’ll go apartment hunting together.”
“Are you serious?” she asked as a smile spread across her cheeks.
“Yes. In a couple of months we’ll talk about it and see where we are. We’ll talk.”
“Okay,” she said. “Thank you, Adam. I think it will be a really good step for us. Living together will help us spend time with each other even though we don’t work together. And I’ll have weekends off, so I can come with you to sets and shoots. You know, like I used to.”
Wow. She’d really been thinking about it.
“That sounds great, sweetheart.”
“I thought so too,” Kylie said as her thumb stroked my skin.
The waiter brought our food and our focus turned to eating. The happiness in her eyes was unmistakable, which meant she wouldn’t bring up the topic again for a little while. But when it came up again, what would I tell her? That I didn’t know if I wanted to move in with her after four years? That I didn’t know if I wanted to marry her after four years? That I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get married or have children at all? I knew I risked losing her that way. Kylie had always talked about a family and having a house full of kids running around and having an in-home office and starting her own business. She’d always had those goals, and at one point in time, I had seen my life lining up with those goals.
But as we ate in silence and passed glances across the table in a feeble attempt to keep the fire alive between us, I realized I wasn’t so sure anymore about those goals. I wasn’t sure about anything in my life.
The only thing I was sure about was if my goals didn’t line up with Kylie’s, she was gone. With her, there was no compromising. It was moving in, marriage, and children or nothing at all.
“You know I love you, right?” I asked.
She looked up from her salad, her beautiful sparkling eyes meeting mine.
I was going to miss those eyes if I lost her.
“I do,” she said. “And I love you too, Adam.”
But for some reason, it seemed emptier than it usually did. There was a hollowness to her voice. That sentiment from her didn’t seem as full of life and vigor as it once used to, and my fears for my future came to a head.
I didn’t want to live my life on a timetable. I didn’t want to follow the rules. But Kylie was nothing if not a rule-follower. She was nothing if not a stickler for timetables and schedules. It was how she was programmed, and her organization used to keep me on track. But now, at this juncture, I only found it stifling and creatively draining.
And something told me my chaotic nature made her feel out of control—something Kylie didn’t do well with at all.
Kylie
“Alyssa!”
I wrapped my arms around my best friend’s waist as she whipped hers around my neck.
“Why does it feel like I haven’t seen you in ages?” she asked.
“Because it’s been a week and it’s the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other,” I said.
“Right. So it doesn't happen again. Agreed?”
“Agreed,” I said with a smile.
The two of us went into the restaurant and sat down. We came here so often that the waitstaff and cooks already knew our orders. Alyssa’s water and my Diet Coke were brought to the table, and then the waitress set silverware down before she went to go put in our order: a Tex-Mex salad for Alyssa and a chicken caesar wrap with extra crispy french fries for me.
“So I had dinner with Adam the other night,” I said.
“Has he finally come to his senses and stopped being a dick?” she asked.
“Come on, you know this has been a rough time for him. He’s under all sorts of pressure with this film of his, and I get it.”
“He didn’t wish you luck on your first day at your new job. Have you even had a talk with him about what happened in that restaurant?”
“No,” I said.
“Then what the fuck’s the point of having dinner with him if you two won’t talk about it?”
“We talked about moving in together,” I said.
“When the two of you won’t even talk about the biggest fight in your relationship to date? That sounds like a great plan.”
“Alyssa…”
“For once, Kylie, I want you to talk to me about how you feel. I don’t want you to justify how Adam’s feeling. You do that all the time. You’re a fabulous girlfriend in that regard. But I want you to talk about how you’re feeling, because that’s important as well.”
“I always talk about how I’m feeling.”
“Then regale me again with it,” she said.
I sighed as I sat back in the booth and closed my eyes.
“I feel like we’re growing apart,” I said.
“Good.”
My eyes flew open and Alyssa backtracked.
“Not that you’re growing apart. That you’re talking. That’s good. What else?”
“I feel like we’re stuck. We haven’t taken steps to pursue anything more with our relationship. We’ve been together for four years and the most I can get him to talk about a future is whether or not his Sundance film will make it. There’s no mention of us moving in together, no mention of getting engaged, nothing.”
“You said you talked about moving in.”
“We did. I mean, I told him that with me working for his father, I made enough money to afford a nicer place.”
“What did he say to that?” Alyssa asked.
“I practically had to pull it out of him that we’d talk about it in a couple months. And if things are still okay and it feels good, then we’ll both cut our leases and move in together.”
“Even with you saying that, you look like you’re about to puke.”
“I do not.”
“You really do. You should see yourself: pale skin, green tint, the works,” she said with a grin.
“Stop it. That was one time.”
“You got so nervous about Adam leaving you that you made yourself sick, Kylie. You’re never living it down,” she said.
“I feel like I’m going insane. Am I going insane by thinking that Adam and I have changed since I took this job with Mr. Tucker?”
“No, you’re right. Something’s changed. A lot has changed between you two. Without college classes, you’re seeing less of each other. You’ve taken a job that has a lot more prestige than his failing production company.”
“It’s not failing, Alyssa.”
“It’s not making money either.”
“It’s…”
Our food was set in front of us, but I no longer felt like eating.
“You need to have a serious talk with Adam,” she said as she picked up her fork. “Otherwise, none of this is going to get resolved. It’ll fester and infect your entire relationship with him. And I know you don’t want to throw four years of your life with him out the window.”
“I don’t. We have so much history, Alyssa. And I do love him. I do care about him.”
“I know you do,” she said. “But are you ready to come to terms with the fact that he might not want what you want for your future?”
“He did when we first started dating.”
“And that was four years ago. A lot changes in four years.”
“I know,” I said. “I…I know. But Adam has a hard time talking about his feelings. He always has.”
“Which is fine. Everyone has their quirks. But now it’s time for him to pull up his big-boy breeches and grow the fuck up.”
“Alyssa,” I said with a giggle.
“Well it’s true! He’s almost thirty years old and acts like he hasn’t stopped sucking on his mother’s tits yet.”
“Can you keep that down?” I asked.
“We could play the penis game.”
“I will get up and walk out…and stick you with the damn bill.”
“You’re no fun,” she said with a grin.
“Can I admit something to you if you promise not to tell it to anyone else?” I asked.
Alyssa put her fork down and locked her eyes with mine.
“You can tell me anything and it will never go anywhere,” she said.
“I don’t know if things are fixable between Adam and me any longer,” I said.
She reached over and took my hand as we ate our lunches in silence. I had finally spoken the one thing that had been running through my head ever since that dinner out loud. I didn’t know if things were fixable between Adam and me any longer. I wanted them to be. Fuck, my heart wanted them to be. Four years with a man I cherished and cared for, a man who took care of me when I was sick and helped coach me through my required courses when I couldn’t have given a shit about. The past four years had brought us a lot, and the history the two of us had cultivated was astounding. No relationship was perfect. No single person was perfect.
But there were days I didn’t even feel loved by Adam, and there were days I had to remind myself I loved him.
Alyssa hugged my neck after refusing to let me pay. Then I headed back to the office. I sucked down my emotions as best as I could before I parked my car and made my way up to my office.
The second the elevator door opened, I watched him walk out of his office.
His eyes leveled with mine as I stepped out of the metal encasement, but his face morphed. Shit. He knew something was wrong. I slid my purse up to my shoulder and walked by him, drawing in deep breaths and trying to settle my face into a nonchalant expression.
“Kylie?”
“Yes, Mr. Tucker?” I asked.
His gaze hardened for a split second before softening toward me.
“Are you all right?”
“Of course. Just getting back in from lunch,” I said.
“Kylie.”
“Yes, Ryan?” I asked.
“Could you join me in my office in ten minutes?” he asked.
I nodded my head, walked into my office, and dropped my purse onto my desk. Great. My emotions were dangling from my sleeve and my boss was about to interrogate me regarding them. What the hell was I supposed to tell him? That I didn’t think I loved his son any longer? That my relationship with his only child was dwindling and it broke my heart that I couldn't stop it? That I was willing to do anything to keep Adam around because four years was a hell of a lot of time to waste with just one person who now didn’t want to give me anything he had promised me all those years ago?
I walked over to the windows and drew in a deep breath. All I had to do was convince him I was fine. Ryan was, first and foremost, my boss. There were only certain lines he could cross before approaching inappropriate territory.
And I’d make sure he knew it.
“Come in,” Ryan said when I knocked on his door.
I stepped into his office and looked at him as he lifted his head from his paperwork.
“Shut the door and come sit down.”
His tone was calm, collected, but his eyes were concerned. I reached back and shut the door, then made my way to the seat in front of his desk. I felt on display, like I was about to stand in front of a firing squad and risk my life to dance around questions I wasn’t sure were appropriate to answer. But when my butt hit that seat and his eyes fell on mine, the warmth I’d always associated with him blanketed my body.
And my lips loosened.
“You know you’re more than just an employee, Kylie.”
“I’m aware,” I said.
“I consid
er you part of my family. And when someone in my family struggles, I aim to fix it.”
“With all due respect, this isn’t something you can fix.”
“But it is something I can lend an ear toward if you want to talk.”
“I got together with a friend of mine for lunch and we did some talking. I promise I’m okay,” I said.
“Does it have something to do with my son?”
I felt my walls plummeting as he leaned back in his chair.
“I…did have dinner with Adam a few nights ago,” I said.
“Did things go okay?”
I wasn’t sure if any of this was appropriate, but I couldn't deny my want to tell him everything. Maybe if I couldn't say something to Adam, he could. Maybe he had some insight I was missing because of my own internal pain.
After all, Adam was his son.
“Our dinner was touch-and-go. He still won’t talk about his apparent issue with my working for you,” I said.
“If it makes you feel any better, he hasn’t addressed it with me either. Though my son has never been one to talk about his emotions. He gets that fun little trait from his mother.”
“He doesn’t talk much about his mother,” I said.
“I wouldn't expect him to. Neither of us have much of a relationship with her.”
“Why not?”
I felt the electricity in the room crackle as those two words slipped from my lips.
“I’m sorry. That was inappropriate,” I said.
“No, it wasn’t.”
But he still didn’t answer the question.
“I talked with Adam about the possibility of moving in together,” I said.
“You did?”
“Yes. I told him with the job I had now with you, it was possible for me to afford a better place. A nicer place.”
“Don’t tell me you’re living somewhere unsafe, Kylie.”
“I’m not. At least I don’t feel unsafe there. It’s small, though, just a studio apartment with a miniature kitchen in the corner. Not really move-in material if you ask me,” I said.
“I admit it’s odd for you and Adam to have not moved in already. That’s usually the next step in relationships that have gone on as long as your and Adam’s has.”
