Starbright

by Richland, Alexandra

  Aidan’s hand tightened around the bottle, choking the neck. “Not yet.”

  When he was back on his feet properly, Nathan let go of him. “You did nothing wrong, you know.”

  Aidan dropped his chin to his chest. “Fuck, I know.”

  “Then what’s with all this?” Nathan gestured to the whiskey bottle.

  Aidan met his tenacious gaze. “Don’t you get it, man? It doesn’t matter if I did nothing wrong. If Beth thinks I did, then I did. End of story.”

  “She’s not perfect.”

  Aidan’s mood, dark to begin with already, went black. “Yes, she is, Nate.”

  “No, she’s not, and if you keep this up, it’s going to do you a lot more harm than good.”

  Aidan brought the bottle back to his lips and didn’t say anything. His thoughts were indistinguishable, and the road from his brain to his mouth was flooded with whiskey, making it impossible for him to argue his point articulately.

  “She made a mistake, Aidan. Acknowledge that and stop putting the blame on yourself for no reason.”

  “Is she okay?” It was the only thing Aidan cared about at the moment.

  “Yes. Olivia is with her.”

  Aidan’s exhale in relief only served to aggravate his drunkenness. The desert started spinning, and an unsettling weight landed in his stomach, like something falling out of the cosmos. While the alcohol initially seemed like a good idea, now he felt just plain awful.

  “Why do you punish yourself for things that aren’t your fault?” Nathan’s question hung heavily in the night air. “We can be our own worst enemy, you know.”

  There was the briefest of pauses, and then Aidan said quietly, “I’m a permanent fuck up, man, that’s why. It’s what I do. Beth’s not. She’s pure and good, and always so goddamn right.”

  “In this case, she isn’t.”

  “No!” Aidan was surprised the ferocious reply came from him. This was Nathan, one of his best friends, not his adversary. He shoved a fist into the pocket of his dress pants and took another drink, even though he knew it wouldn’t do him any good.

  “Look, all I’m saying, Aidan, is the sooner you take her down off that pedestal you have her up on, the sooner your relationship will be healthier. True love isn’t about perfection. I love Olivia wholeheartedly, but if she’s in the wrong, I tell her so, and she does the same for me. It doesn’t mean you love or respect the person any less, and it certainly doesn’t mean they’re not a good person. We’re all human, and we all make mistakes. It’s normal.”

  Aidan frowned. “Yeah, well, I’m not exactly what you’d call normal.”

  Nathan threw his hands up in the air. “For fuck’s sake! Stop it, would ya?”

  Aidan froze with the bottle halfway to his lips. He’d never witnessed his friend lose his cool before.

  Nathan’s eyes narrowed. “What the hell happened in your life that you feel the need to place other people’s mistakes on your shoulders, huh?”

  Aidan lowered the bottle to his side, overcome by disjointed memories of his mother’s attack. Her blood, her screams… his cowardice.

  He hung his head. “I just deserve it, that’s all.”

  “Are you listening to yourself right now?”

  Aidan sighed. “I don’t even think I could spell my own name right now.”

  “Well, if you actually listened to yourself, you’d hear a young man who insists on playing the bad guy all the time. What are you going to do? Always take the blame and carry the burden for both of your mistakes for the rest of your lives, even when it’s Beth who is in the wrong? Are you going to run off and get drunk every time something happens that disrupts your relationship?”

  Aidan remained silent.

  The tension in Nathan’s expression waned. “Why is it you can stand up to Luther when every other actor fears him, yet when it comes to Beth, you lose your backbone?”

  Aidan dragged his hand through his hair. “Nate, I didn’t come out here to be lectured, okay?”

  “Too bad.” A scowl settled on Nathan’s lips. “I know there’s a good chance you won’t remember this in the morning, but someone needs to stress to you that your outlook on things has to change or else you will destroy your relationship with Beth. You may think that by refusing to admit she’s not perfect you’re doing her or yourself a favor, but you’re not.”

  Aidan closed his eyes, the bottle weighing down his left hand. “What if I tell her she’s wrong and then she leaves me? I lost my mother. I can’t lose Beth, too.” At the mention of his mother, his pain grew unbearably worse.

  “She won’t because she loves you, and therefore, should have no problem admitting when she’s wrong.” Nathan placed a hand on his shoulder. Even in the dark, Aidan could see the compassion shining in his eyes. “That also means you must accept her ownership of her mistakes instead of insisting it was your fault.”

  Aidan looked ahead into the blackness. “This thing with Lydia wasn’t my fault, but there’s an intimacy problem Beth and I are having, which is my fault. I denied her certain things so I could satisfy my own conscience and enforce what I believed was proper behavior for her.”

  “It seems to me you only set limitations because you believed it was the best way to treat her respectfully. If that’s the case, your intentions were good, so you shouldn’t feel guilty.” Nathan peered at him inquisitively. “If I may be intrusive for a moment… Beth is a virgin, correct? And all this intimacy stuff is new territory for her?”

  Aidan nodded.

  “Then she needs you looking out for her and guiding her. At the same time, you shouldn’t be so strict about it. After all, there is no wrong when it comes to being intimate with the girl you love and your actions are driven by those feelings for her.”

  Aidan cringed. Beth had said the same thing to him, but it wasn’t until this moment he truly grasped it. How was his mind clearer now that he was intoxicated?

  “I wish I wasn’t so harsh with her, Nate.” He shook his head. “I should go and see her now.”

  “Like this?” Nathan chuckled. “No way, this is not something she needs to see.”

  Aidan’s frown returned. “I’ll wait outside her door until I’m sober, then.”

  “We left one suite vacant after we coupled off into our current rooms. You can sleep there tonight… or whatever is left of tonight, I should say.”

  “I guess you think I’m pretty messed up, huh?” Aidan chanced a glance at Nathan, hoping the darkness would conceal the shame in his eyes.

  Without a word, Nathan grabbed the whiskey bottle from Aidan’s hand and lifted it to his lips. His throat constricted as he swallowed a good number of gulps. Aidan stared at him in surprise.

  Nathan wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his suit jacket and returned the bottle. “No, I don’t think you’re messed up.” He loosened the knot in his tie. “We all have demons we’re struggling with.”

  Aidan looked at the half-empty whiskey bottle in his hand. He no longer wanted to finish it. With a sigh, he gazed out at the desert as if it could provide the answers he so desperately sought. When he was ready, he chucked the bottle into the night.

  “All right, Nate. Let’s get out of here.”

  At his friend’s behest, Aidan used Nathan as a crutch to get to the car. His hasty alcohol consumption had started to affect him to the point of obliteration and he wouldn’t have made it any other way. How Nathan got a car at this late hour was beyond him. He was just glad he had someone who cared enough to help him.

  Aidan mumbled apologies on the drive back to the Sands, slipping in and out of consciousness under the flickering lights of the main strip. When they arrived at the hotel, Nathan brought him up to the vacant suite. He passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow.

  Aidan awoke on his stomach to sunlight pouring into the room and his right arm hanging over the edge of the bed. His mouth felt pasty, as if he ate a bunch of cotton, and he had an overwhelming craving for a glass of water.

  He
made a move to get up but didn’t get far. The pain radiating from his head detained every muscle, bone, and joint in his body, and his stomach felt like a sock that had been tossed around in the dryer one too many times. It made the simple act of breathing intolerable. Even the absence of nightmares while he was passed out wasn’t enough to relieve his suffering.

  Aidan let out a groan and rolled onto his back, swinging his arm over his face to block the sunlight. Fractured recollections of the previous night dispersed the fog shrouding his mind. He screwed his eyes shut, but the dizziness that attacked him told him it was a bad idea.

  Fueled by the need to see Beth, he exhaled a deep breath and prepared to get up. The smell of cigarette smoke clung to the air around him, mixing with the booze on his breath and the musty scent one acquired from being outdoors and going far too long without a shower. He dropped his arm from his face and discovered he wore the same outfit from the party, minus his suit jacket and tie.

  Next came the difficult task of craning his neck to check the clock on the nightstand. It was just after eight in the morning. He had no idea what time Nathan brought him back to the hotel, but he had a hunch he hadn’t been here long. Their flight to L.A. was at one o’clock, so at least he had time to talk to Beth before they left for the airport.

  The nausea that besieged him in that moment had nothing to do with the alcohol he had consumed. It was over the fact he should’ve been with Beth last night, holding her as she slept, instead of waking up alone and feeling an emotional and physical wreck.

  If Aidan thought standing up was a tough feat, it was nothing compared to his trip to the bathroom. As he met his reflection in the mirror, he had to blink a few times to determine he wasn’t seeing things. He was used to viewing himself in rough shape, especially after experiencing nightmares, but this version was downright horrifying. His hair, which still had confetti in it from the party, looked like he’d stuck his finger in a wall socket, and what should’ve been the white parts of his eyes were shaded a deep, bloody red.

  Another tidal wave of nausea hit him. Aidan braced his forearms on either side of the sink and dropped his head. That was when he saw the note on the counter. He grabbed at it haphazardly. The sound of the crinkling paper had the same effect on him as a corkscrew driven into his skull.

  Aidan,

  I smoothed things over with Beth last night about why you weren’t coming back to the room. She’s expecting you this morning so you two can talk. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I left the drapes open so you wouldn’t sleep too late. There are fresh clothes hanging behind the bathroom door, and under the sink, I’ve left everything you need to clean yourself up. I also put pain medication on the bedside table for the headache you’re bound to have, as well as something to settle your stomach. Don’t forget to drink lots of water. Oh, and your wallet is on the dresser and your boots are by the door. See you in the lobby at eleven thirty.

  — Nathan

  Aidan crumpled the note and closed his eyes, pressing the balled paper to his forehead with a grimace. Not only was his New Year’s celebration ruined, but he’d also dragged Nathan into his mess, too, when his friend should’ve been spending quality time with Olivia. It was hard to believe they were the same age. Nathan was so much more responsible and levelheaded than he was.

  Aidan grabbed the pills off the nightstand and downed them with several cups of water. Then he brushed his teeth three times for good measure and took a cold shower to wake up fully, using the toiletries Nathan provided to rid himself of the dusty grime of the desert and the stench of alcohol and cigarettes.

  As instructed, he found one of his T-shirts and a pair of jeans hanging behind the bathroom door, as well as black briefs and a pair of socks. He left his clothes and shoes from last night in a pile on the floor and put on the black leather boots Nathan left for him.

  Before Aidan walked out of the room, he checked the mirror to make sure he looked presentable. By that time, the pills he swallowed had taken effect, limiting his pain to a dull ache and putting a cap on his nausea.

  Minutes later, he stood outside Beth’s suite—the suite that should’ve been their suite had last night not gone so poorly. He knocked on the door. He heard some movement on the other side and then the click of the lock, followed by the removal of the chain.

  The door opened slowly. Beth stood barefoot before him, dressed in a white wool sweater and black pedal pushers. Her complexion matched the color of her shirt, and her hair was sleep-tossed, except one glance at her red-rimmed eyes told him she hadn’t slept a wink.

  Aidan held his breath, hoping she would invite him in. He wanted to hold her, kiss her, and tell her he loved her, but the damage between them warranted a more patient approach—one that involved talking before any sort of physical touch.

  Beth stepped aside without a word, giving him space to enter. Aidan shuffled inside. He closed the door behind him and looked at her, wishing she would give him the same courtesy.

  There was a long moment of silence before Beth spoke. “I want to apologize.”

  Aidan’s resolve slipped. He longed to tell her that everything was his fault, but a fuzzy memory from his conversation with Nathan reminded him to hear her out before he admitted his own mistakes.

  “I let my insecurities regarding my inexperience with intimacy get the best of me.” Beth exhaled deeply. “We spoke about Lydia at your house—the afternoon I came by with the pie, remember?”

  Aidan couldn’t stop his desire that flourished at the memory of her showing up at his front door soaking wet. “Yeah, I remember.”

  Beth’s cheeks grew red. “That night on your couch, you told me you didn’t like her and I believed you—I still believe you. However, yesterday, when I saw all the men at Matthew’s show ogling her, I felt inferior. You brushed her off, but I still had a difficult time comprehending you had zero interest in her, at least physically. That was my fault, though, not yours.”

  “Nate and Matt weren’t admiring her, either, Beth. They have Olivia and Connie, and I have you. We don’t need to look at other broads.”

  “I understand that now, but then… well, Connie and Olivia are more like Lydia than I am regarding experience with intimacy, so I felt like I was the only one who didn’t measure up. Then when I saw Lydia kiss you at the party, I felt even more jealous. Yes, I believe you didn’t kiss her back, but at the time, I was very upset. I thought she was more of a woman than I’d ever be, and one day you’d realize this and leave me for someone like her. Someone more mature.” Beth cleared her throat. “Sexier.”

  Aidan was about to protest when she hushed him.

  “It’s silly, I know. I’m just trying to explain what was going through my head last night, although it doesn’t make what I did right. Not measuring up has always been an underlying problem for me, and what happened yesterday brought all of my insecurities to the surface. It was a culmination of our argument after check-in and the events of the evening that got the best of me. The champagne I drank didn’t help, either. I blamed you last night, but you did nothing wrong. You took all the correct actions while I overreacted. I’m truly sorry.”

  Aidan swallowed back the need to tell her he was the imperfect one, and she was never in the wrong. “Apology accepted.”

  Beth threw her arms around him and pressed her head to his chest. The deep breath he released into her hair was relief made manifest.

  “I couldn’t sleep.” She cried into his T-shirt. “I missed you so much.”

  Aidan pressed a kiss to the top of her head and stroked her back. “I missed you, too. I also need to reinforce to you that I love you with all of my heart, and I’m with you because you’re my perfect partner. So please don’t speculate what I want or don’t want in a woman. Everything you need to know comes from my words… my touch…”

  Beth looked up at him. “I want to show you with my touch how much I love you, too, but the boundaries you’ve put in place on our physical relationship prevent me from doing so.”


  Aidan brushed his thumbs across her face, erasing the tracks of her tears. “I treat you differently than I did the broads in my past because I love you and I never cared about them. I can see, though, how you could maybe misinterpret that as rejection. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it backfired. I’m really sorry I snapped at you.”

  “I understand.” Beth bowed her head.

  Aidan placed his hand under her chin and raised her gaze to his. “It’s a constant struggle for me because I want to keep you sheltered, but I also just want you. I know I shouldn’t dictate what’s best for you. You’re a grown woman, capable of making your own decisions about what you want and what’s comfortable. I promise I’m going to work on getting over my hang-ups, okay? You’re right. We love each other, so no matter what we do intimately, it’s gonna be perfect and amazing, and bring us closer together.”

  Aidan regarded her hopefully, awaiting her response. He didn’t even know if his ramblings made sense, but it felt good to release everything that had imprisoned him since yesterday.

  “Apology accepted.” Beth’s lips lifted a little. “I suppose we both could’ve handled things better.”

  Aidan nodded. “From now on, we’ll talk things out. No more going to bed angry.”

  She graced him with a large smile. “That sounds good to me.”

  Aidan pulled her in for a hug and closed his eyes, releasing another deep breath into her hair. “I’m so glad we got everything out in the open.”

  Beth tensed.

  “Aidan?” His T-shirt muffled her meek voice.

  He caressed her cheek. “What is it, baby?”

  Beth pulled back. The apprehension in her eyes set off warning bells that he wouldn’t like what she was about to say.

  “Before Christmas… um… Mr. Mertz called me in for a surprise meeting.”

  The fury that scorched through Aidan was so intense he thought Beth would be burned simply by touching him.