Amelia Grey's Fireside Dream

by Abby Clements

  ‘You planning to make anything for this room?’ Carly asked.

  ‘Some more of those hand-tied curtains, like in the kitchen, in a shade lighter than the Birdwatcher’s Green. We’re getting in an antique bedstead, and I found a white birdcage in the same shop that I think will look great hanging up in the corner.’

  ‘It must be so nice to have all the time to do this,’ Carly said, turning to me with a roller in her hand. ‘I feel like I barely get time to think now that term’s started again.’

  ‘It certainly makes a change,’ I admitted.

  The four of us worked and listened to music until afternoon crept slowly into evening.

  ‘Time to call it a day, I think,’ Jack said, downing his paint roller with a satisfied smile. I glanced outside and was surprised to see that it was now pitch black. ‘I don’t know about you, but I’m gasping for a drink after that. Can I get you guys anything?’

  ‘Absolutely,’ Carly said.

  ‘Let’s get cleaned up,’ I said. ‘The bathroom’s over the hall. No comments about the bright yellow decor, please … it’s next on our list.’

  Carly and Alex got changed upstairs. An hour later, we were all sitting at the kitchen table. I’d put a lasagne in the Aga to cook, and cracked open a bottle of red.

  ‘Thanks for all your help today,’ Jack said.

  ‘You’re very welcome,’ Carly replied. ‘It’s good to be doing some manual work, actually.’

  ‘It’s pretty satisfying,’ Alex added. ‘In a way I wish we were staying longer. I want to see those floorboards all sanded and stained.’

  ‘Well, you’re welcome to stay …’ I joked.

  ‘Send us a picture when they’re done,’ Alex said.

  ‘Jack,’ I said, ‘I’ve been meaning to ask you. Now that Callum and Spencer have finished work in the garden, would you mind if they helped out with some occasional jobs, like fixing things and sanding? They’re short of work, and I could definitely do with the help. I know you’re knackered when you get back from London.’

  ‘Fine with me,’ Jack said. ‘I’m only sorry I’m not here to help more – but I can’t afford to miss a day at the moment with this new project.’

  ‘You’ve got a new animation coming out?’ Carly asked. ‘I loved Pupz. Appealed to my inner child a lot.’

  ‘You worked on that?’ Alex said. ‘That was one of Jules’s favourite films! Although he’d probably kill me for saying it.’

  ‘Ah, thanks,’ Jack said. ‘It’s been tricky to find a follow-up; I got a bit stuck for a while. But I think we’re getting there this time.’

  I topped up everyone’s glasses. By the time we’d reached the bottom of our second bottle of wine, the lasagne was ready – I served everyone, and Jack helped me carry the plates to the table.

  ‘Dig in’ I said. ‘So, what’s new with you, Carly? How are things going at school?’

  ‘Good. My students seem fresher after the break. The new Head of English has started, shaken things up a bit.’

  ‘Oh yes?’

  ‘He’s brought in a lot of new systems, and not everyone likes them. Several people have been complaining about him.’

  ‘I’m really sorry to hear that,’ I said. ‘Which, as you’ll know, is a complete lie. Probably shouldn’t be saying all this with a parent in the room.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ Alex said, laughing. ‘Now Jules has left I think that makes me an ex-parent. Or something like that.’

  I smiled. ‘We shouldn’t just talk about work though, anyway. What else is new, C?’

  ‘Actually, we’ve got some exciting news,’ Carly said.

  My mind skipped ahead – a proposal, a baby … already?

  ‘We just booked some flights,’ she finished.

  ‘We’re going out to Australia on holiday, over the Christmas break,’ Alex said, with a proud smile.

  ‘Wow!’ I said. ‘How long for?’

  ‘We’re planning on renting a car for a couple of weeks and travelling around,’ Carly answered. ‘Thought we’d swap London for some time at the beach.’

  I felt envious of their freedom: the way that, unlike us, they didn’t seem to be governed by how much everything was going to cost.

  ‘With everything that’s been going on – and Jules finally accepting it – I thought it would be good for us to have some time just the two of us,’ Alex said, putting his arm round Carly. ‘She’s been patient enough with me.’

  Carly was positively glowing. ‘I can’t wait. I’ve picked out a new bikini already. This holiday I’m going to truly forget about St Catherine’s for a while.’

  ‘That’s great,’ I said. ‘You deserve it.’

  I glanced from Carly to Alex – saw the matching look of excitement and contentment on their faces.

  ‘Are you guys getting away anywhere?’ Alex asked.

  ‘I don’t think so,’ I said, glancing over at Jack. ‘Not this year. Money’s a bit tight.’

  ‘Of course,’ Alex said. ‘Moving’s expensive, isn’t it? And I expect you’ll be wanting to save for the future,’ he went on, raising his eyebrows. Then he winced. Judging by the apologetic expression she was giving me, I was pretty sure that Carly had elbowed him under the table.

  ‘It won’t be too long before we start thinking about a family, yes,’ Jack said.

  I turned to him, surprised, my eyes wide.

  ‘What?’ he said.

  ‘Jack,’ I said, under my breath.

  ‘Come on, Amelia. It’s true, isn’t it?’

  ‘Sorry,’ Alex said. ‘I didn’t mean to stir things up. I should never have said anything, I just thought … I mean, Carly said you guys had been together a while.’

  ‘It’s OK, Alex,’ I said. ‘It’s not your fault. More wine, anyone?’

  *

  Jack and I said goodnight to the others and went up to the study where we’d be sleeping. It must have been about two in the morning.

  I closed the door behind us and turned to him. ‘What happened down there?’ I asked.

  ‘I don’t know.’ He shrugged. ‘You were the one acting weird. We’ve been together for years, we’re married, we’ve moved to somewhere that would be perfect to bring up a kid. It’s hardly the biggest leap of imagination to think that we might be considering having a baby, is it? Isn’t that what this move was about?’

  ‘No. And this is crazy,’ I said. ‘I don’t know where you got that idea from. Or why you would choose to talk about it in front of friends.’

  ‘I didn’t— OK. I thought it was a fairly safe thing to say, not realizing that you, with your issues …’

  ‘Issues?’ I whispered. ‘Just because I’m not jumping at the chance to give up our life and devote it to a baby, it means I have issues?’

  ‘I didn’t mean that,’ he floundered. ‘But you have to admit, there’s some stuff with your mum that you’ve never really dealt with …’

  ‘And now – in the early hours, when we have friends staying and we’ve both been drinking – now is the time you decide to bring this up? Why didn’t you just raise this at the dinner table too, and be done with it?’

  He didn’t reply, just took off his shoes and started getting undressed for bed.

  I tugged off my top and bra and crawled under the covers, turning away from him.

  *

  The next morning, fragments of our conversation drifted back.

  ‘I’ve made breakfast,’ Jack said, standing in the doorway. ‘The others are already downstairs. Do you want to join us?

  ‘Hmmph … yes,’ I said, rubbing my eyes and pulling on my dressing gown.

  I walked down the stairs a couple of steps behind Jack, sensing a distance between us.

  ‘Morning,’ I said, as I went into the kitchen. ‘Hope you guys slept OK?’

  ‘Fine, thanks,’ Carly said, taking a bite of toast. ‘You feeling better this morning?’

  ‘Really good, yes,’ I said, as if nothing had happened. ‘Bit too much to drink last ni
ght, that’s all.’

  ‘You’re not on your own there,’ Alex said, putting a hand to his head and pretending to wince, then smiling.

  ‘How about a walk this morning?’ I suggested. ‘Clear our heads a bit.’

  I needed to get outside. Arguing with Jack had left a bitter taste, and even now I couldn’t work out whether I’d been right or wrong to say the things I had.

  ‘Sure,’ Carly said. ‘Sounds good.’

  ‘We could take Pete for a long stroll, wear him out, and then stop for tea and cake in the village. There’s a cake shop I’ve been wanting to try out.’

  ‘I like the sound of that,’ Alex said. ‘And to be honest, I’m getting increasingly nervous that Pete’s got it in for your cat.’ He peered out of the kitchen window, where the border terrier was running in circles around a bemused Dexter, who was calmly washing his front paw.

  ‘Oh, I wouldn’t worry about Dexter,’ Jack said. ‘He can hold his own.’

  ‘OK, so we’re all agreed?’ I said.

  ‘Yes, sure,’ Carly said. ‘We’re in no hurry to get back to the Big Smoke, believe me.’

  ‘We want to make the most of our time here,’ Alex said. ‘And I think Jules would feel pretty short-changed if we came back early. I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that he had a “gathering” planned for last night.’

  ‘Aha,’ Jack said. ‘Yeah, doubt Carly will want to be stepping over hungover ex-students back at your place.’

  ‘Weird,’ Carly said. ‘Still really, very weird.’

  Alex put his arm round her and drew her towards him, kissing the top of her head.

  I felt a pang of jealousy. Jack and I used to be close like that.

  We set out at eleven and followed a suggested route on Jack’s iPhone – a three-mile circuit round the village, through woodland and fields. Pete ran ahead, with a branch the length of a broom handle in his mouth.

  I walked next to Jack and waited for him to take my hand. Waited for that warm touch that would mean: you know what, let’s forget about all it. I craved it. I wanted to know everything would be OK. Carly and Alex, walking ahead of us, were laughing and joking, their arms wrapped about each other. But between me and Jack it felt like there was a gulf.

  ‘Right,’ I said, as we neared the village. ‘Looks like we’re approaching cake o’clock.’

  ‘Now you’re talking,’ Carly said, her smile bright. We walked past the clock tower and on towards the post office. Next to it was Sally’s Specialities, with gingham tablecloths and towering displays of cakes in the window. ‘Here we are.’

  I spied Sally through the window and gave her a little wave. She waved back and beckoned us all in.

  ‘I think I’d better tie Pete up out here,’ Alex said ‘With those cakes within reach, I can see him destroying your chances of settling into this village once and for all.’

  As I pushed the door open, a bell rang out. ‘Room for four?’ I asked.

  ‘Of course,’ Sally said, wiping her hands on her apron and coming over to us. ‘We always find a way.’

  She rearranged some tables and chairs so that there was a table in the corner for us, even though the cafe was almost completely full.

  She rested a hand gently on my shoulder. ‘I’m so glad you came by,’ she said sincerely. ‘It’s good to see you again. And we’ve got some great cakes for you to try this morning.’

  Carly and I listened with rapt attention as Sally talked us through the cakes in the window – aside from a tiered wedding cake, there was rich chocolate Sachertorte, pear and almond and a forest fruit tart.

  We put in our order, and I asked for a large pot of tea and two coffees. ‘You’ve got a teapot collection to rival mine,’ I said smiling, looking at the shelves of teapots in every colour and pattern behind the counter.

  ‘You’re a collector too?’ Sally said. ‘You’ll have to have me round one day, I’d love to see them.’

  Jack looked at me, his gaze softening for the first time that day. ‘Amelia’s been collecting teapots since she was twelve,’ he said, ‘so I’d block out a whole morning in your diary.’

  Carly smiled at me, as if she too could sense the atmosphere lightening. Thank God for tea and cake.

  *

  On Sunday evening when Carly and Alex had left, Jack and I watched TV for the rest of the evening, barely speaking, then went upstairs to our bedroom. We left the windows open to let out the lingering paint fumes.

  As I lay in the moonlit bedroom, wanting to cling on to the weekend and keep Jack with me for just a day more, I wondered where our marriage was really heading. I thought of the doubts I’d had lately about us. About whether we wanted the same things.

  ‘Are we OK now? Jack said, his voice soft. ‘I mean, after this weekend? It was weird.’

  ‘It was. But yes, we’re OK.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘I don’t know, Jack. It’s not really one where you can agree to disagree, is it?’

  Jack looked at me, sadness in his eyes. ‘It isn’t, is it?’

  ‘What do we do, then?’ I asked, putting a hand to his stubbled cheek.

  ‘Try and live in the moment?’

  ‘We could try that.’ Jack pulled me close and kissed me, his naked chest against mine, his arms round me. And for now, it felt like enough.

  *

  Jack got up to go to work that Monday as if it were any other day. As if nothing had changed over the weekend. As if the things we’d said didn’t matter.

  I pretended to be asleep when he got dressed in the half-darkness, but really I was watching him as he located his socks and put them on, resting gently on the end of our bed, trying not to disturb me. His familiar actions felt somehow different now.

  He kissed me goodbye, a gentle flutter on my cheek, and then he left. I heard the front door close.

  How could he feel that something was missing in our life when for me it was already complete? Wouldn’t a child drive us further apart, rather than bringing us closer together?

  *

  I started the day at my sewing machine, running up pale green curtains. Callum and Spencer were hammering and drilling in the downstairs hallway, and fixing some of the electrics.

  At midday, the iron-framed bed arrived. The delivery men brought it in, along with the fragile white birdcage I’d bought from the same shop. Callum and Spencer helped me get my Grandma Niki’s antique wardrobes out of storage in the garage, and take them up to the bedroom to go either side of the window that looked out on to the garden.

  By the evening, the bedroom was finished – the floorboards were stained and polished, the curtains I’d made were in place, and I’d put a sheepskin rug on the floor. My clothes hung in one of Grandma Niki’s wardrobes, Jack’s in the other. I’d hung the birdcage in the corner, and some antique hatboxes were stacked on top of the wardrobes for storage. I sat on the edge of our bed and wondered when the cottage would start to feel like home.

  Chapter 12

  The Attic

  Dimensions on estate agent’s notes: 10 metres × 3 metres. Height at highest point 1.5 metres, eaves are lower. Potential for conversion subject to relevant consents.

  Tuesday, 8 October

  Our postman was holding out a large parcel for me. I signed for it and thanked him, then took it inside.

  I opened the Jiffy bag and pulled out a stack of printed A4 sheets. I read the title on the first page: When Murder Comes Knocking. It was the page proofs of Sunita’s latest novel. I smiled in surprise and pleasure. Resisting the temptation to start reading right away, I picked up my mobile and called her.

  ‘How’s it going, sweetie?’ she said.

  ‘Good, thanks. I just received a very exciting package, as it happens.’

  ‘Excellent. Glad it got to you safely. Finished it in the nick of time, before Bella arrived.’

  ‘I can’t wait to read it,’ I said. ‘It’s been agony waiting for this one.’

  ‘You might want to check the dedication.’

/>   I flicked to the third page and immediately caught sight of my name there.

  For Amelia and Jack, in their quest for the good life

  ‘That’s lovely. Thanks, Suni.’

  ‘I’ll show you the cover when it comes in,’ she said. ‘Something bloody with a cross. Or a door knocker. Or a dead kitten.’

  ‘Wow! Well, I’m sure it’ll look great. How’s everything been going? How’s Nico?’

  ‘I’ve just heard some news you’ll like, actually.’

  ‘Oh yes? I could do with some of that.’

  ‘Nico’s got a new apprentice at the Go-Kart track, and says he’s very dedicated.’

  ‘Trey! He didn’t? Are you serious?’

  ‘Yes, he came along with his caseworker the first time, and since then he’s been coming on his own one evening a week and all day Saturday. Nico’s getting on well with him.’

  ‘That’s great,’ I said. ‘I’m so pleased Nico’s giving him a chance. He deserves it.’

  ‘He’s enjoying having someone to train, I think.’

  ‘How are you doing? How’s being a new mum?’

  ‘Can’t remember what it’s like to have a proper night’s sleep – but apart from that, we’re doing great. Been spending a lot of time with the NCT people – cracked nipple chat, but it’s kind of what I need at the moment.’

  ‘And Bella? How’s she getting on?’

  ‘She’s smiling a lot. Normal baby stuff, I know, but pretty amazing all the same.’

  ‘Cute. Do you think you’ll have a chance to come and visit?’ I said. ‘I know it’s a journey for you, but it would be great to see you guys, especially Bella.’

  ‘She’s already beating us in the popularity stakes. How about during the Christmas holidays? My family never celebrates, and that always seems to mean we spend about a week with Nico’s family … too long, even without Bella to consider. I’d much rather hang out with you guys.’

  ‘Great,’ I said. ‘With any luck we’ll have the cottage finished by then, so you can see what we’ve been up to.’

  ‘I’m glad you called actually,’ Sunita said. ‘Look, I don’t want to stick my oar in, but Carly did mention—’