If anything could give me peace of mind, it would be the long drive home.
14
Gwen
As soon as we got home, I rushed straight up to my room. I didn’t bother saying another word to either of them. It’s not like it did me any good anyways. Fox was on some power trip, and I was so upset with him that I could barely look in his direction. I slammed my bedroom door shut and locked it, and hoped like hell they wouldn’t try knocking. I didn’t want to see or hear what either of my brothers had to say. The time to talk was long gone.
You’d think that after pouring out my heart for the whole freaking world to hear, that he’d have a little compassion. Okay. So. It wasn’t in front of the whole world, but it was Josh, and that was the closest thing to it.
He loved me.
Hearing those words should’ve been one of the greatest moments of my life, like a rite of passage. I should’ve been floating on some invisible cloud with nothing but sweet love songs playing in my head. Instead, I was hiding away in my bathroom about to cry into some bath water.
Before slipping into the tub of scalding hot bubbles, I texted Josh. I had to tell him that I was sorry for walking away. I felt like I didn’t have a choice. After seeing what Fox did to him, I knew that it would be worse if I tried to stay. My stomach was in knots just thinking about it. He probably hated me after what happened, but I didn’t hate him, and I wanted him to know that. I wanted him to know exactly how I felt about him. No one had ever stood up to Fox like that before, and while I think it was nuts, I loved him even more for it.
Me: I’m sorry about what happened today. I know I’m probably the last person you want to speak to right now, but I just want you to know that I’m in love with you too. I wish I had said it back to you today, and not in this lengthy message. I don’t know where we go from here, but I do know that I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. Please don’t hate me.
I must’ve read the message ten times back to myself before I hit the send button. It just felt pathetic in comparison to his words. He wasn’t afraid to tell my brothers that he loved me. He just blurted it out, not caring about the consequences. He was so much braver than me. All I could do was stand there in that alleyway with my feet glued to the pavement below, like a coward with caffeine brain. You know. Where you have too many things to do and your brain can’t process them all at once, so you choose the easiest one. This was one of the times. I couldn’t consume his words or overanalyze them in the moment, because I was afraid I might’ve actually said the words back to him.
Thinking about it made me wonder how long I was going to let everyone else dictate my life. The bars around me were growing so thick that it felt more like a cement wall. Only, I was going to need more than a sledgehammer to get out of this mess.
I could’ve really used my Mom today. I needed her words of wisdom, and desperately wanted to tell her that I was in love for the first time in my life. Whether she agreed with me or not, she would’ve at least been supportive. I was her only daughter. We haven’t always seen eye to eye, but in times that mattered she was there.
Lately though, she was never home. Something was always keeping her away.
I sent her a quick text to tell her to call me before I climbed into the tub, and l prayed the hot water would wash my worries away.
The water grew colder, and it didn’t seem to offer much help. My body was clean, but my mind was still clouded with thoughts of Josh. I wondered if he was okay, and if he’d ever talk to me again. I couldn’t really blame him if he didn’t. For years I’d been desperately trying hard to push people away. I wanted to keep them as far out of my messed-up life as I could. It just didn’t work with him. We were like two magnets, easy to place together and hard to pull apart.
It didn’t make sense to me in the beginning. I thought it was crazy to fall for someone I barely knew, especially when no one else would deem it worthy. The standards my family put on me were so far out of my reach that I’d never please them.
Then it hit me. Suddenly, it made sense. I remembered reading the book Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë when I was a few years younger. It was a favorite of mine. There was this quote I remember highlighting that said, “Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” I think it stood out to me because I didn’t believe in soul mates. I didn’t believe that two people were destined to find each other in this world, a world with so many people.
Shaking my head, I let the thought sink in. His and mine were the same.
Just when I thought I had no more tears, they rolled down my cheeks once more.
After my bath, I curled up under my blankets and lay there in my bed. My body was still shivering from the cold water, and my eyes were swollen from the tears. I was waiting for sleep to come, desperate for it, but nothing. Minutes turned into hours as the clock slowly ticked.
Fox and Obi must’ve knocked on my door a dozen times, each time as annoying as the last. I kept telling them I was fine, so that they’d leave me alone. I was far from fine. They couldn’t expect me to just pretend like nothing happened, and move on.
Sooner or later we’d have to talk about school, and what was going to happen when I went back. I just wasn’t ready yet. I couldn’t think of a single thing to talk about that would make facing my brothers any easier. They were going to have to give me some, at least another day. Besides, I didn’t have to go back to that class until Friday. We could figure out what to do by then.
I tossed and turned a few more times before I heard my phone go off on my nightstand. I was hoping it was Mom, but even more surprised to see Josh’s name on the screen. My heart lurched into my stomach, and sat up quickly opening the text. To my surprise, he wasn’t mad.
Josh: I don’t hate you.
Me: Are you okay?
Josh: My eye is black and swollen and so is my lip.
Me: I’m sorry.
Josh: Stop apologizing. I’m fine. My ego hurts worse than my face.
Me: I haven’t talked to Fox since I got home. Everything happened so fast today, and I was scared.
Josh: I know that now. I’ve had some time to think, and I’ve had a few drinks. I completely lost it today. I felt like there was someone else in my body. Does that make any sense?
He had no idea.
Me: Perfect sense, actually.
Josh: So you love me too???
I smiled at his last text. I loved how he never sugar coated anything. He was always open and honest with me.
Me: Didn’t ease into that at all.
Josh: Lol. You know me. All or nothing.
Me: Honestly, I don’t know as much about you as I wish. This is the longest conversation we’ve had since that night in my kitchen.
Josh: True. That was a good night.
Me: It was.
Josh: You didn’t answer my question…
I knew exactly which one he was referring too, and just thinking about it made me blush. Despite the fact that we’d had a shitty day, he could still me smile.
Me: I think I do.
Josh: You think?
Me: I know I do.
Josh: You do what???
Me: I do love you.
Josh: I love you too, Gwen!
Gah! My heart rate picked up when I read those words. I’d never felt more wanted in my whole life. His sweet words left me speechless.
Josh: My turn to apologize for today. I’m sorry about getting into a fight with your brother. I wish things could’ve been different.
Me: You don’t have to apologize. I wish things could be different too. Fox will never change.
Josh: Things made more sense when you talked about what happened to you. It hurt me to hear it, but I understood you a little better.
Me: I’m not ashamed of it. I just wish my brothers would give me more space. I wish they’d let me live my own life.
Josh: I think they’ll come around one day.
Me: What’s going to happen to us in the mean time?
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Josh: We’ll figure something out.
Me: I really want to see you again.
Josh: Soon
Me: Okay.
Josh: I will let you get some sleep now, but promise me that you’ll keep texting me. Please don’t shut me out.
Me: I promise.
Josh: I love you
Me: I love you too!
Josh: Goodnight.
Me: Goodnight.
15
Josh
A loud knock came from the other side of my bedroom door just as I was about to drift off to sleep.
“Joshua honey, it’s Mom.”
“Come in,” I replied.
The bottom of the door dragged against the carpet when she opened it. “I wasn’t sure if you’d be asleep or not. Dad called me at work to tell me you were home, and I wanted to see you before I went to bed. Is everything okay?” She sat down gently on the side of my bed.
She was always the worrier, the one who’d stay up late to make sure we made it home, and the one who’d call ten times to make sure everything was okay. In high school she could be a real pain in the ass, but as I’ve gotten older I don’t mind it so much. It’s kind of nice when she checks in, especially after everything that happened with Lee this past year. It didn’t bother me to talk to her about it. She was a good listener.
I reached up to turn on the lamp that sat on bedside table, and then turned towards her so that she could get a better view of my swollen face.
“Jesus! What the hell happened? Come closer so I can see.” She inspected my face, lightly running her fingers against my jaw. That was the nurse in her. She couldn’t help herself.
“I’m fine. Really.” The words were more for me than her. My face hurt like hell.
Her eyebrows were drawn together, and had that unmistakable look of worry in her eyes. I’d seen it a thousand times.
“It doesn’t look broken, but it sure looks bad. Who were you fighting with? Are you in trouble?”
“Mom,” I groaned, as I situated my pillow alongside my headboard and rested my back against it. “I’m not in any trouble. I swear. I don’t want you worrying yourself sick over this. It’s fine.”
Her shoulders dropped, and she nodded her head, but I could tell she didn’t believe me. It was just a look of defeat, like she didn’t feel like arguing with me about it. “So, you don’t want to talk about it?” She asked.
I didn’t really, but I could tell that she wanted the truth. So, I told her what happened. I told her about Fox, and Obi. I told her about the fight, and how much I loved Gwen, and what she meant to me. I even told her about what happened to Gwen. I knew it wasn’t my secret to tell, but it was my Mom. She was compassionate, and trustworthy. She wouldn’t say a word about it. If anything, she’d probably just worry about Gwen too.
“Have you spoke to her since the fight with her brother?” She questioned.
“Yeah,” I shook my head. “We just said goodnight a few minutes ago. Things seem better than ever between us, but her brother wants me to have nothing to do with her.”
“Things like this tend to have a way of working themselves out. Sometimes it takes positive thinking, and not strength to move mountains. You’ll get there. If you really love this girl, then you stick by her.”
I smiled up at her, though it hurt like hell. “You mean that?”
“Absolutely. It took me three years to get your grandmother to like me. She didn’t want your father anywhere near me.” She looked up as if she could still remember it like it was yesterday. “And she came around. I have a feeling that these brothers of hers will come around too.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“You’re welcome, Sweetheart. Just try your best to avoid any more fights.”
I smirked. “I’ll do my best.”
“I’m going to go get some frozen peas to put on that eye of yours. I don’t know how you can see out of it.”
“It hurts like a son of a bitch.”
“Joshua Landon!”
“Sorry,” I laughed. I wasn’t sorry at all. I just liked getting under her skin.
I’d been back at school for two days, and my eye was still black. It was swollen and nasty, and it clearly looked like someone beat the crap out of me. It earned me a few stares, and passing glances, but I didn’t care. I kept telling people that they should’ve seen the other guy.
If anyone knew it was Fox who’d hit me, the rumor mill would be on full rotation. I couldn’t have people bringing Gwen into the mess. She’d been through enough.
The two of us had continued to text over the last couple of days. Things were great between the two of us, so long as no one else knew about it. She said that she tried talking to her brothers yesterday and she couldn’t get Fox to budge. Obi was slowly coming around, but Fox was relentless. He didn’t want us to be together, and didn’t care that his decision was hurting her. He was a stubborn fool.
When I asked her about the stalker guy from her class, she said that Fox had taken care of it. I had no flipping clue what that meant, until she texted me after that class. She was worried about going, but said that Fox never left her side. The guy came in, took one look at Fox, and left the class.
It baffles me to think that Fox is willing to sit with her for the rest of the year so that this douche bag doesn’t come near her. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t do the same thing for her, I just couldn’t fathom what he was thinking. Why wouldn’t they call the police? Why wouldn’t her parents get a restraining order, or have the guy locked up? Instead, they allowed Fox to completely change his life around to make sure that she was safe. He couldn’t possibly keep up those same macho-man gestures for the rest of her life. Sooner or later he’d have to move on. He’d have to figure out some way to let her move on too. She wasn’t going to be in his constant care forever.
In the back of my mind, I wondered about the few times I’d seen her alone, like in the library. There was no way one person could watch over her twenty-four-seven. He wasn’t a man of steel, sooner or later he’d crack or slip. Then what?
“Hey Josh, wait up!” I heard Garrett call me from down the hall. I looked around to see exactly where I was. I’d been rambling on in my brain, and I’d walked right past the coffee shop. It was my favorite place on campus.
“What’s going on?” I turned around.
“There is a party at the BKN house. You want to go with me?” He asked.
“BKN?” I shrugged. I had no clue who he was talking about.
“Beta Kappa Nu,” he said like it was no big deal, and I was just supposed to know who he was referring too.
“Don’t think so, Man. I could use a night out, but sorority parties aren’t my thing.”
He followed me into the coffee shop. “Come on. It’ll be fun. We can hang out for a while, and if we aren’t having any fun, then we’ll leave.”
“Simple as that?” I shrugged.
He smiled. “Yep. We haven’t had a guy’s night out in a while.”
“I wonder why?” I said, remembering the last time we went out. It ended in a bar fight. I’d had my feel of fighting. I wasn’t in the mood to do it again anytime soon.
He jumped in front of me in the line and ordered both are coffees. “It’s on me,” he said with a toothy grin.
“Fine. We can go. But when I’m ready to bail, I’m not waiting around. I’ll leave your ass there.”
“Yes!” He raised his fist in my direction. “We’re going to have the best freaking time ever.”
Yippee.
16
Gwen
Obi was clearly feeling guilty about everything that was happening with Fox, Josh, and me. I only had to ask him once if we could take a drive tonight, and he agreed. He was always the softer brother, the one easiest to cave.
When I texted Josh earlier and he told me that he was going out with Garrett, I thought that was a great idea. He’d been cooped up for days, he was stressing about missing school, and he needed to let off some s
team after the whole fight with Fox. If it were possible for me to have a night out with friends, then that’s exactly where I’d be.
A drive with Obi was the closest thing I was going to get, and I wasn’t about to complain. The weather was beautiful, and I didn’t have to stay cooped up in the house. Staying closed up in my bedroom always put me in a bad mood.
The music was blaring from the speakers and I had my seat laid back, and my feet on the dash. It was the most relaxed I’d felt in a long time. It didn’t feel like someone was breathing down my neck or watching my every move. It was just the music, the breeze, and me. Well, except for Obi, but he was being so quiet that I forgot that he was even there. He drove us for miles, never bothering to turn down the radio. It was nice, almost peaceful.
As the sun started to set, we pulled off onto a gravel road that I didn’t recognize. I never asked where we were or where we were going. It didn’t matter to me.
The gravel road was bumpy as we followed it all the way to the edge of a small pond. Obi reached over and cranked the radio down, and for the first time since we got in the car, he spoke. “Do you mind if we just sit out here for a while, before we go back home?”
With the beautiful sunset on the horizon, how could I say no. “I don’t mind. Where are we?” I was curious. It was quiet place. The only noise outside was the sound of crickets chirping, and the occasional bullfrog.
Are you with me? Page 7
