“Ooh, Richard!”
Rosalie gave me a hug, and I just stood there and smiled. This was becoming the best day of my whole, entire life.
That afternoon, when we came back in class from recess, I walked into the cloak room to pick up some homework papers. I was pulling out my homework papers from the slot where the teacher had put them, when someone walked up behind me.
“Richard,” she whispered.
I turned around, and Rosalie was standing right behind me. She took a step forward, and, gosh, we were so close I started getting nervous.
“Richard, I just want to say how much I like you. I like you a lot. I really do.”
“Uh, well, Rosalie, I like you, too.”
“Your hair is so pretty, Richard. You’re so handsome.”
Gosh, I mean nobody, but nobody, in my whole entire life had ever called me handsome before, especially someone as pretty as Rosalie.
Then it happened, and it was so quick my head still swims just thinking about it. Rosalie moved even closer until we were nearly touching, and her face was right in front of mine. Heck, I don’t know whether she kissed me or if I kissed her, but we kissed. Rosalie turned and left the cloakroom, and I just stood there stunned.
I was still thinking about the cloakroom kiss when I walked home that afternoon. ’Course, the upside-down funny book was still on my mind, and I walked over to my bed and reached under it to pull out the old clothes box and take another look at it. Then I nearly had a heart attack—the box was gone!
I dashed into the kitchen where Momma was peeling potatoes at the sink.
“Momma, where’s the box of old clothes that was under my bed?”
Momma turned around and smiled. “Mary came by to iron this afternoon, and I gave them to her.”
“What? No, Momma; surely you didn’t!”
“Why yes, Richard. You’d outgrown all of them.”
“Oh, no! No! No! I had something in that box that was very valuable, my upside-down funny book!”
I dashed to the telephone and dialed John Clayton. Heck, I wasn’t about to tell Rosalie we’d lost the upside-down funny book.
“Get over here quick! Momma has done gave away the clothes box with the upside-down funny book in it!”
Gosh, I had to move the telephone away from my ear John Clayton screamed so loud. In ten minutes he dashed up to my front porch breathless.
“Richard! We’ve gotta get it back! Where does Mary live?”
“Come on; I know. I’ve been by with Momma to pick her up! She lives way on the other side of town!”
We were outta that house in a jiffy, running down the road like something was chasing us. It took about thirty minutes to run to Mary’s house, and when we did we were so tired we could hardly talk. We caught our breath, and I was about to yell for Mary, and then I saw the upside-down funny book. Little Charles, Mary’s seven year old was reading it.
“Little Charles, that’s our funny book!” I yelled and I ran over to take it away from him
“No it ain’t. Momma gave it to me.”
“Yeah, we know, Little Charles, but it came outta a box of clothes my momma gave your momma, and my funny book just happened to be in that box, so gimme my funny book.”
I grabbed the funny book by one side, but Little Charles kept a grip on the other side and John Clayton yelled, “Don’t pull it, Richard. A tear could…” And then he didn’t say nothing because I knew a ripped-in-half, upside-down funny book wouldn’t be worth a flip.
“Come on, Little Charles, give me the funny book,” I begged.
“Naw, I ain’t. It’s my funny book.”
John Clayton came over to where we were standing and started to kinda sweet- talk him, but Little Charles just kept saying the funny book was his. Finally, I said, “Little Charles, I’ll give you a quarter for the funny book.”
“Naw, I ain’t even read it once. You gotta do better than a quarter.”
Well, me and John Clayton didn’t have but fifty cents to our names, and we emptied our pockets to show him how broke we were.
“Looky here, Little Charles. I ain’t got nothin’ in this pocket but a quarter and my knife.”
Little Charles leaned forward and looked at my knife. “I’ll take the knife for the funny book.”
“Little Charles, they ain’t no way on god’s green earth I’m gonna give you my good knife for a stinkin’ funny book!”
“Okay, just keep your knife, and I’ll keep the funny book.”
John Clayton grabbed my arm and pulled me over to one side.
“Dang, Richard, you moron, you can buy ten thousand knives for what that upside-down funny book is worth,” he whispered.
Well, I knew John Clayton was right, but that was my all-time favorite knife. Heck, it was worth at least three dollars, and I sure didn’t wanna get rid of it, but shoot, I had to get that funny book back.
“Okay, Little Charles, here’s the knife; gimme the funny book.”
Boy, Little Charles grabbed the knife and threw the funny book over toward us.
“Dang you, Little Charles! You be careful with that funny book!” I yelled.
Well, John Clayton picked up the funny book and wiped it off. That danged kid musta been eating something because there was sticky stuff all over the cover.
We started walking back toward my house when John Clayton looked over at me, “Richard, I’m taking the upside-down funny book home. Heck, you might lose it again.”
Well, it was hard to argue since I’d almost lost it, but after John Clayton cleaned it and smoothed out the wrinkles where Charles had squeezed it, I thought it looked as good as new. We were ready to make the big sale.
***
Heck, who would’ve ever thought going to school would be fun? Not me for danged sure. Boy, even Mr. Freeman, the principal, would come up to us and ask how we were doing, and, gosh, Rosalie was just right by my side every minute, asking me how much did I think we were gonna get for the upside-down funny book. Well, I would sit on the steps going into the school building and say, “Rosalie, there ain’t no telling how much. Heck, if them stamps are worth thousands then that funny book could just be worth, well, maybe a million.”
“Oh, my gosh, Richard! I’d have over three hundred thousand dollars as my share.”
“Yeah, Rosalie, I wanted you for a partner ’cause we such good friends”
“We’re more than friends, Richard.”
Well, I turned red when Rosalie said that. Gosh, could things get any better than that? I sure didn’t think so. When we were on the playground, kids just swarmed around us. Yeah, we did walk around like we were real important. ’Course, I’m not stupid enough to think all them kids and Mr. Freeman was being nice to us because we were popular kids. Shoot, I knew it was because we were gonna be big-dog rich as soon as we sold that funny book. But you know, I really thought Rosalie was different. It was like Rosalie realized I was just real smart, you know, close to a genius, and to come up with a way to get rich when you’re only eleven years old just really impressed her. I guess she finally realized I was kinda special, and, heck, letting her be a partner just made things better. ’Course, in the back of my mind I knew if we hadn’t made her a partner we’d a-never come up with all them funny books.
Well, when we traded to get the upside-down funny book from Ears, we were wondering how he’d take it, you know, finding out his good friends had traded him outta a funny book that was worth thousands of dollars for just eight hundred beat-up old funny books. But Ears took it real good, and he came up to me and said he hoped we made some money outta that upside-down funny book because he was real satisfied with the trade he’d made.
Things were going along just great that week until Wednesday when I got to the newsstand to deliver papers. Doc was putting up some funny books that had just come in, and I thought they looked different. Then I walked over and looked at the stack of new Captain Marvel funny books, and: Oh my good lord in heaven above! Ahaaaaa! They all had up
side-down front covers! Heck, talk about almost dropping dead. Shoot, I figured either this was a gold mine of funny books or―well, I tried to put the other thought outta my mind, which was that they was just bunches of upside-down Captain Marvel funny books and our funny book wasn’t worth a danged thing.
“Doc, I’m gonna buy all ten of these new Captain Marvel funny books. I’ve started collecting the ones with the upside-down covers.”
“That’s a dollar, Richard. No more charges against you paper route.”
Well, I had a dollar, but if I bought the ten funny books, I wouldn’t have enough money for the picture show on Saturday.
“Here, Doc.”
I handed Doc my last dollar and stuffed the upside-down funny books in my paper bag. John Clayton’s house was on my paper route, and I knew he’d be having breakfast about the time I passed his house. Thirty minutes later I was there and hollered for him to come out.
“What’s going on, Richard?” He said as he walked out on the porch.
“Here, take a look at these funny books I just bought at Doc’s.”
“Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! What? How could they be more of them?”
“I don’t know, but maybe it’s like the air-mail stamp. The World Book said they printed a whole page before they caught the mistake. Maybe the funny book people printed more than one upside-down funny book, and we’ve got all they printed. We’d still be okay.”
Well, I was going on and on, but I had this sick feeling that there was a bunch of upside-down funny books out there somewhere. We didn’t say a word to anyone that day at school, but that afternoon when I got home, Momma walked out on the porch where I was sitting in the swing.
“Richard, you have some mail.”
“Mail for me?”
“Yes, and it’s in a big envelope, and it’s feels like there’s a magazine inside.”
Wow, I couldn’t wait. I took the big envelope from Momma, and sure enough it was from the publishing company. I opened it and held my breath. There was a Captain Marvel funny book inside with a letter was attached to it.
Dear Mr. Mason, Mr. Reed, and Miss Davis:
We’re terribly sorry you received a misprinted funny book, and we have enclosed a new one to make up for this mistake.
We have a new pressman, and this past month he has mixed up a number of covers and thousands have come out upside-down.
Naturally these funny books are worthless, and we will replace them if you come across any more.
Keep reading Captain Marvel; they are great adventure funny books.
Sincerely
Doug Donahue
Customer Relations
Worthless! Worthless! I thought. Oh no! No! No! I could never tell you in a million, million years the terrible feeling that went all over me.
“What is it, Richard?” Momma said.
“Oh, nothing Momma. It’s just that I’ve already read the funny book they sent me.” Shoot, there are things you don’t ever tell your folks, and doing something as stupid as trading eight hundred funny books for a worthless upside-down funny book is one of them.
I called John Clayton, and in a few minutes he was on my front porch. Heck, I just couldn’t bear to tell him on the phone. Well, he read the letter and then said a few curse words that he’d heard his brother, in the Navy say. Then he asked, “What are we gonna tell everybody at school? My gosh, kids are gonna laugh their heads off when they find out ’bout that danged funny book.”
Then I thought of the very worst thing you can imagine. Rosalie!
’Course, telling Rosalie was my worst nightmare, ’cause I’d talked her into giving away two hundred funny books, and now, after I had told her we was gonna be rich, I was gonna have to tell her the upside-down funny book wasn’t worth nothing.
Well, me and John Clayton finally decided that we’d just not tell nobody, and they’d think we were waiting to get a big offer. That next morning we got another big shock: A third-grader came to school with another upside-down Captain Marvel funny book, and he started telling everybody Doc had a bunch more down at the newsstand. Heck, I was running to tell John Clayton when I saw Rosalie pulling the little kid along, yelling for me to stop. ’Course, I wanted to keep running all the way to China, but I stopped.
“Richard!” she screamed, “look at the funny book, Tom Robert has!”
Heck, I didn’t hafta look at the funny book, but I had to tell Rosalie something. “Gosh, that’s really something. Let me go get John Clayton.”
“Don’t you make a move, Richard! Tom Robert said there’s a bunch of funny books down at Doc’s with upside-down covers!”
Shoot, them blue eyes of Rosalie’s was just a-flashing, and little Tom Robert was looking at her like he was in the clutches of a crazy girl. Have you ever felt like you were trapped in a cage full of tigers like some old cornered dog, and you were about to be torn to pieces? Well, that’s how I felt.
“Rosalie, we have a problem,” I whispered. Shoot, I guess I thought if I whispered it wouldn’t sound so bad.”
“Oh, my god in heaven above, Richard! You’re not gonna tell me the upside-down funny book isn’t worth anything, are you? Don’t you tell me we traded eight hundred funny books for a worthless piece of trash!”
Shoot, the more Rosalie talked, the louder she got, until I wanted to stick my fingers in my ears. Heck, little Tom Robert was whining that Rosalie’s fingernails were digging into his arm, and I was trying to back away.
“Answer me, Richard!” she screamed.
Sometimes you don’t have to say words to answer questions. Rosalie looked at me for about two more seconds while I said, “Uh, uh, uh.” Then she gave little Tom Robert a shove and made a wild swing at me. Well, I was ready for that, and I took off with Rosalie screaming at me, calling me every name she could think of. Then the cat was outta the bag, and we had to tell everybody about the letter from the publishing company.
I guess that was one of the worst morning of my whole entire life. Gosh, that sorry Homer Ray laughed so loud you could hear him all the way across the playground. There was just one bright spot in the day―Connie. You know, my former girlfriend. Well, Connie came over and we talked that afternoon after school. Gosh, a good friend can always make you feel better, and after that talk, I started putting the upside-down funny book outta my mind.
***
Boy, me and John Clayton was in just the absolutely worst mood you’ve ever seen when we went back to school that next Monday after finding out that the upside-down funny book wasn’t worth nothing. Dang, kids would just laugh at us when they saw us coming, and Rosalie was acting like I didn’t exist. Heck, after that kiss in the cloak room, I figured that she was my girlfriend, for sure. I was wrong, really wrong.
I met John Clayton at the breadbox that afternoon, and we were gonna go visit Uncle Hugh, but before we went, we started talking about the funny book mess.
“Dang, Richard, do you know that not only have we given all those funny books to Ears, but heck, we owe Doc another twenty-six dollars and eighty cents.”
“Yeah, no allowance for you, and I even traded my good knife to Little Charles. Shoot, I’ll be delivering papers for free for a long time.”
It was just about the lowest feeling I’ve ever had in my whole entire life. Rich―or at least I thought I was rich one minute; then broke―heck, not only broke but in the hole. It just didn’t seem fair, but you know, since then, I’ve thought about it a bunch and maybe it was because we weren’t treating a friend fair—like not giving Ears none of the money―and we deserved what we got. Yeah, maybe we did, and I guess we’d have felt real bad if that funny book had been worth a lot and we were rich, and our friend Ears had given away a funny book worth a bunch of money … Naw, I’m lyin’ like a dog again. But after another few minutes of whining we decided to try and put the upside-down funny book behind us.
“Come on, John Clayton; let’s go see Uncle Hugh and try to forget that funny book mess. At least he won’t laugh at us.
”
“Yeah, I’m ready to do anything to forget about the upside-down funny book.”
Well, in a few minutes we were walking down the little lane past the spring where Uncle Hugh gets his water, and then as we got closer to the cabin, we could see Uncle Hugh sitting in his rocking chair on the front porch.
“Hey, Uncle Hugh, what you doin’?” yelled John Clayton.
“Just sitting here whittlin’, boys. Come on up here and get outta the sun.”
Me and John Clayton stretched out on that cool plank porch and started talking to Uncle Hugh, but dang, there was bees just flying everywhere, and we were swatting at them when they got too close.
“Uncle Hugh, look at all the bees. I betcha there’s a bunch of bee trees round here.”
“Oh, I’m sure they is, Richard. I remember when I was ’bout your age livin’ down in Louisiana, and my daddy would find bee trees and rob ’em for the honey. Lemme, tell you something, boys; if it wasn’t for my daddy robbin’ them bee trees, we would’ve starved.”
“Is that right, Uncle Hugh?” I asked.
“Sho ’nough, Richard. Why, he’d get twenty-five cents a jar for that honey, and sometimes he’d come back with a whole dishpan full. I’d go with him, he’d find a bee tree, and he’d look up in that tree and say, ‘That’s a ten-dollar tree, Hugh. It’s plumb full of honey.’ And sure ’nough, he’d rob that bee tree and take all that honey to town. Heck, boys, people would just line up to buy that honey. I’ll bet you could get fifty cents a jar for it now.”
Gosh, that just sounded great, and I was thinking that maybe me and John Clayton could find a bee tree, rob it, and pay back some of the money we’d borrowed to buy all them funny books.
“How do you find a bee tree, Uncle Hugh?”
“Richard, you just find a bee and follow ’em home.”
“Follow ’em home? How in the world to you follow a bee home?”
Lyin' Like a Dog, The Yankee Doctor, The Danged Swamp! 3-Volume set Page 14
