Lyin' Like a Dog, The Yankee Doctor, The Danged Swamp! 3-Volume set

by Richard Mason

  “Richard, I don’t think so. He’s hurt so bad, but of course you never know for sure.”

  “Couldn’t we try to doctor him for just a few days and see if he gets better?”

  “No, Richard, the right thing to do is for you to get up and let Doctor Goodwin give Sniffer the shot.”

  “Oh, Daddy, I just can’t. I want to do everything I can to save Sniffer. Remember when we got Sniffer you said he was my dog, and I was completely responsible for him?”

  Daddy frowned but nodded his head, yes.

  “Well, if I’m responsible for Sniffer, then I say we just doctor him and see if he gets well.”

  Daddy shook his head and Doctor Goodwin reached down and put the shot needle back in his bag.

  “Richard, I really think Sniffer will hemorrhage to death in a few hours, but if he doesn’t, he may have a chance. Here are some pills. Give him one now and one tonight and keep doing this until you run out of pills. These pills will make Sniffer sleep and keep him from hurting himself by trying to get up. Right before you give him the pill take this squeeze tube full of milk and make him swallow it. Do you understand?”

  “Yes sir, I’ll do it exactly like you said.”

  Doctor Goodwin handed me the first pill and I opened Sniffer’s mouth and made him swallow it. In a few minutes Sniffer was asleep. Then it hit me. Oh my gosh, I haven’t finished my paper route. I dashed outta the barn and headed back downtown, and when I got to the place where Sniffer had been hit, there was my paper bag and papers. I picked them up, walked back, and looked at the tire tracks on the sidewalk. Then the awful words of Doctor Carl rang out in my head: suffer the consequences.

  “My gosh, he really meant it! They’ve probably already killed Sniffer, and now they’re gonna try to kill me and John Clayton!” I muttered. I finished the rest of the route about two hours late, but when I told Doc about Sniffer, he just grunted.

  Heck, I was so upset I could hardly stand it, and I couldn’t wait to tell John Clayton about Doctor Carl trying to run over me and hitting Sniffer. When I finished telling him about Sniffer and how close the car came to hitting me, he was scared to death.

  “Dang, Richard, I’m afraid to even walk down the sidewalks now. What are we going to do? I don’t wanta wait round till that sorry Doctor Carl runs over us or fakes something we did, and we get hauled off to Texarkana.”

  “Shoot, I don’t want to either, but what can we do? If we tell our folks any of the stuff that Miss Tina told me they’re just gonna say we made it up ’cause Doctor Carl wrote the letter to the judge, and shoot, Peg is so sacred of the WMU ladies that he’s not gonna do one little thing.”

  Well, we sat around talking until we were just so wound up and scared we couldn’t sit still.

  “Dang it, John Clayton, I can’t stand stayin’ downtown no longer. Let’s go get Joe Rel and Billy Ray and go fishin’ down at Flat Creek. At least we can’t get blamed for nothing when we’re fishing.”

  I sure didn’t want to hang around downtown and have that old sot Curly Sawyer come up and arrest me for something I didn’t do, or have that sorry Doctor Carl come by again and maybe instead of just threaten us, he’d really do something―like pull out a gun and shoot us. So we headed outta downtown, and after we went by the Henry brothers’ house to get Joe Rel and Billy Ray, we went by my house to dig some worms. Thirty minutes later we were tramping through the bushes heading to Flat Creek. Our fishing trips were always pretty much the same. We’d either fish in the bar pits up by the road or walk down the creek to a big curve in the creek. Today we decided that going down the creek was the best thing to do, because the afternoon sun was blazing hot and there wasn’t no shade anywhere around the bar pits.

  You know, just standing there fishing really did help us calm down, and after we fished for several hours we’d caught twelve sunfish, three goggle-eye, and two catfish. Anytime we had a bunch of sunfish we’d go to the Henry brothers’ house, and let his momma fry ’em whole. We had some that were only two inches long, but with the three big goggle-eye and the two catfish, we had more than enough for a mess of fish.

  “Hey, y’all come on. We gotta head for the house and clean these fish,” I yelled.

  Everybody agreed that it was getting late and time to head in, and since the creek curved around and we were through fishing, we headed off straight for my house through some pretty deep woods. Then it happened: We’d just passed through a thicket of briers and cane when Joe Rel let out a scream.

  “Ow, oh, dang, dang! Somethin’ stung me!” Joe Rel ran by us just a-screaming and beating his hand on top of his shoulder. He’d been stung by something right on the top of his right shoulder, and whatever stung him was pretty danged mean, because the place was swelling up and it really hurt.

  “Dang it, I’m gonna find out what stung me!” Joe Rel yelled. He walked back to the thicket with us walking right behind him looking around and being very careful not to disturb nothing that could have a wasp nest in it. However, I didn’t think it was a wasp that stung Joe Rel because the place where he got stung was a lot more swollen than your average old wasp sting. Joe Rel got back to where he’d been stung, and we stood there and looked for anything that could have stung him.

  “I remember just pushin’ this little saplin’ outta the way as I walked by and then something stung me,” said Joe Rel as he gave the little tree a push.

  When Joe Rel gave that little tree a push I saw a big football-shaped gray ball come swinging out and hornets were flying outta it like nothing you’ve ever seen.

  “Look out Joe Rel, run, run, hornets! There’s a big nest right over your head!”

  Heck, Joe Rel is one of the fastest boys I know, but he ain’t near as fast as a danged hornet.

  “Ow, oh, oh!” He screamed as another hornet hit him right in the middle of his back.

  We ran about twenty-five yards and then stopped and looked back at the little tree with the big hornet nest. It was a big gray mass of paper-like stuff and it looked like a stretched-out basketball tied on the little tree limb. Joe Rel hadn’t seen the nest because it was partly covered with leaves, and as we stood there and watched bunches of hornets went in and out of the nest.

  “Gimmie a rock, I’m gonna chunk it straight through that nest!” said Joe Rel.

  “Oh, no, you ain’t,” said Billy Ray. “You hit that nest and thousands of hornets are gonna come roarin’ out, and I don’t care how fast we run, they’s gonna catch us.”

  Well, we all knew Billy Ray was right and dang, hornets are like super wasps and when one zaps you it’s like you done been electrocuted. No kidding, it hurts so bad your eyes cross and your arm or leg will swell up like a log. Of course, when Joe Rel thought about thousands of hornets stinging the fool outta him, he put the rock down and we studied the nest a little more closely. The nest had one hole right in the bottom and from the looks of it, that great big gray ball was home to thousands of hornets.

  “Hey, I just wish that Yankee doctor would walk by right now,” said John Clayton. “Man, I’d send a rock through that nest and let them hornets sting him to high heaven.”

  “Yeah, that’d be great, but I don’t think Doctor Carl and Miss Tina are gonna come walkin’ down here through the woods,” I said.

  “Naw, too bad we can’t take these hornets to them,” said Joe Rel.

  As we stood there looking at the big hornet nest something came to mind: Maybe if we added them hornets to that letter we wrote Doctor Carl it’d be enough to run him outta town.

  “Say,” I said, “you know when it gets dark all them hornets go into the nest until the next mornin’. Maybe if we could figure out how to keep ’em in the nest until we got it downtown, we could get these hornets, Doctor Carl, and Miss Tina together. Heck, being Yankees they’d think they was gonna die if all them hornets stung them. Man, they’d be outta town ’fore you could turn round.”

  “Yeah, Richard, but, heck, how in the world are we gonna get these hornets and Doctor Carl together
?”

  We talked about just stopping up the little hole at the end of the nest, and then carrying the whole nest downtown, but we figured that somewhere along the way those hornet were gonna get outta that nest, and we’d have more stings that you could count.

  Finally, I said, “Hey, why don’t we just get a feed sack and tonight we’ll come back and put the sack over the nest, tie the top, cut the tree branch, and carry the whole thing downtown.”

  “Yeah, that might work, but what then? We’re gonna have a sack full of really mad hornets, but just how are we gonna put them where they’ll sting Doctor Carl and Miss Tina?” asked John Clayton.

  “Shoot, that’s easy,” I said. “Doctor Carl’s office has a big window fan in the alley, so we’ll just wait until all the oil-field trash and the Randolph Hotel girls are foolin’ round, and then we’ll just dump that sack full of hornets in the fan. That fan will blow ’em all over the office, and man oh man, those hornet are sure gonna be mad as all get out, ’cause I’m gonna shake that nest till every one of ’em is ready to sting anything in sight!”

  “My gosh, Richard, that’s the smartest thing I’ve ever heard. What a plan! Gosh, are we gonna get even for that sorry doctor runnin’ over Sniffer and us being framed!”

  “Yeah, dang them anyway; run over my dog! I hope these hornets sting the fool outta them sorry people! Shoot, just think; these hornets might save us from being sent to reform school.”

  “Heck, yes, Richard, and on top of that, they ain’t ’bout to go to the law with all that’s goin’ on in there.”

  “Let’s go check out the fan,” said John Clayton.

  “Wait a minute, mark the trees round here where we can find the hornet’s nest in the dark,” I said. We spent a few minutes cutting some markings on several trees leading up to the hornet’s nest before we left for town. We were so excited we ran almost all the way back to Norphlet, and when we got to Doctor Carl’s office we went around back to check out the big window fan. Sure enough it was blowing into the office like crazy, but there was one little problem.

  “Dang, Richard, there’s a screen over the fan. We can’t get the hornets by that screen,” said John Clayton.

  Well, we stood there looking at the fan for a few minutes until I noticed something.

  “There’re just four little screws holding the fan screen on. I’ll bring Daddy’s screwdriver, and we’ll bet we can have that screen off in no time.”

  “Yeah, I can’t wait!” snickered John Clayton.

  “Me neither. And you know what?”

  “Naw what?”

  “These hornets are for Sniffer!”

  Well, we stood there a few more minutes trying to guess how many hornets lived in that big nest, until I noticed it was getting late. “Hey, let’s go clean those fish. I’m so hungry I could eat a horse,” I said.

  We walked back down the road to my house sweating in the late July heat. Everybody was barefooted and shirtless, and me and John Clayton was so brown from all the sun that we were almost as dark as Billy Ray. When we got to my house, I took everybody out to the barn to check on Sniffer. He was just sprawled out like I’d left him, sound asleep. John Clayton got down on his knees and rubbed Sniffer’s head just mumbling about Doctor Carl, “My gosh, Richard, what a sorry man! Anybody that’d run over a dog is just plain no good!”

  “Yeah, Richard, he sure deserves them hornets,” said Joe Rel.

  Okay, I’ll admit it: Putting them hornets in Doctor Carl’s office was big-time bad, and it was way over the hill, but, shoot, as I stood there looking at poor old Sniffer all beat up and about to die, I couldn’t wait to put them hornets in that office. Man oh man, I was so mad I couldn’t see straight. Run over my dog will ya? Y’all is gonna regret that!

  We left Sniffer and went out in my backyard, took the fish out of a bucket, and after spraying each other with the garden hose to cool off, we set down and started cleaning ’em. After we finished and washed ’em up real good, I stuck my head in the back door and yelled, “Momma, I’m gonna eat at the Henrys’ tonight. We caught a mess of fish, and oh yeah, and we’re all goin’ frog giggin’ after supper. I’ll be home ’bout ten-thirty.” Momma nodded and we left our backyard headin’ for the Henrys’ house.

  The Henrys live in a shotgun shack about a half mile up the road toward Norphlet. Someone told me this type house is called a shotgun shack because you can open the front and back doors and shoot a shotgun straight through the house without hitting nothin’. The Henrys have a big table in the kitchen with board seats on both sides, and when Mrs. Henry gets supper ready, we all sit there lined up and Mrs. Henry puts the big plate of fish, fried potatoes, and slaw right out in the middle of the table. After Mr. Henry says one of his long prayers, we dig in. Mrs. Henry can cook fish better’n anybody I know. Course, my momma won’t cook the little sunfish, because she’s afraid we’ll get the bones stuck in our throats, but Mrs. Henry don’t worry a flip about them little bones; she just fries the heck out of them little fish, and when she takes them outta the hot grease they’re so crunchy you can eat them whole and not worry none about the bones.

  We finished supper at the Henrys, John Clayton headed home, and I went back to my house to find a good feed sack that we could use to put the hornet’s nest in. The Henry brothers and John Clayton were gonna tell their mommas that they were going over to my house where we were gonna meet, then we were going frog gigging around the bar pits on Flat Creek. I found a good thick feed sack which I put beside my frog gig, and then I went in to listen to the Lone Ranger and after that, Walter Winchell.

  Walter Winchell was especially interesting. He rattled off: “Good evening Mr. and Mrs. North and South America and all the ships at sea … let’s go to press! This just in: American and Australian troops are preparing to invade the Japs mainland. A great naval armada is massing in the South China Sea to support this invasion. Twenty squadrons of P-38s have been transferred from the European theater to the South Pacific. The invasion could come any day now.”

  Well, Momma and Daddy were both upset at the last part of the story, because my Uncle J. R. was a P-38 pilot stationed in England, and they thought he was through with the War after we whipped them Germans. Then Walter Winchell had more bad news about the suicide planes and Jap boats that were crashing into American planes and troops.

  Dang, when will this stupid War ever end?

  As soon as Walter Winchell finished his newscast, I headed for the barn to check on Sniffer. Sniffer whined and tried to get up when I opened the door.

  “No, Sniffer! No! Down boy!” I pushed Sniffer back down and patted him until he calmed down, and then I squirted some milk in his mouth from the tube Doctor Goodwin had given me, and just before I left I made him swallow the pill. He was just closing his eyes when I walked outta the barn.

  As it slowly got dark I picked up my frog gig, headlight, and feed sack and went out and sat on the front porch to wait for the Henry brothers and John Clayton. They walked up the driveway together, and I yelled to Momma that I was going frog gigging. I was glad we’d marked the trees leading up to the hornet’s nest, because it was pitch black in those woods, and even with our headlights, we’d have never found the nest. Even after we found the marked trees, it took us a few minutes to find the big hornet’s nest, but we did find it, and after studying it to be sure the hornets were all in there asleep, we slipped the feed sack around the nest, and I tied the top of the sack real tight. Then we cut the limb off where the nest was attached, and we walked outta the swamp with one of us on each end of the limb carrying a sack full of angry hornets. Man, you could hear them just a-buzzing like crazy as we walked along. We trudged up the road slowly walking the mile back into town. It was dark and I guess it was about nine when we made it to the alley behind Doctor Carl’s office. Joe Rel, who is really dark, especially when he’s not wearing a shirt, slipped around to the front of the building to see who was there. In a few minutes he came back and said, “They’s two cars, one of �
�em is Doctor Carl’s and the other one looks like the old Plymouth that the bunch of oil-field trash drove up in last week.”

  “Heck, we gotta wait for the other guys and the Randolph Hotel girls,” I said.

  While we waited we unscrewed the fan screen and got the feed sack full of hornets ready to dump into the fan. Then we sat down and waited. The big fan was really roaring, blowing all the cool night air into the office. We didn’t have to wait long. In a few minutes we saw the headlights of two cars turn down the street toward the office, and soon they were parked in front of Doctor Carl’s office.

  “Listen, Richard, I hear women laughin’,” said John Clayton.

  “Yeah, the girls from the Randolph have arrived,” I said. Then I thought about Miss Emma and I was sure glad she had told me she wasn’t gonna come to Doctor Carl’s office no more. They unloaded and in a few minutes we could hear loud talking, laughing, and some cussing coming from the two back rooms. John Clayton looked through the fan blades, and came back with a report.

  “Richard, those women are drinkin’ and dancin’ with the men!” he whispered.

  “What? We all said as we rushed over, and sure enough, through the fan blades we could see several girls sitting around on the men’s laps, and several were dancing and doing a little singing. I couldn’t believe it. They dang sure were fooling around. Well, as the next hour passed this was turning out to be quite a party, and Doctor Carl and Miss Tina were running around giving the men something to drink, and the Randolph Hotel girls would leave with one of the men and then in a few minutes they’d come back. Finally, after watching a really interesting party for nearly an hour, I realized it was getting late and as much as we wanted to keep watching, I figured if we didn’t go ahead and dump the hornets everybody was gonna leave.

  “Come on guys, they’re gonna leave pretty soon. Let’s add these hornets to the party. John Clayton, you pull the screen back, and I’ll dump the hornets into the fan, where it’ll suck ’em right into the big room where they’re foolin’ round. Joe Rel, you get ready to screw the fan screen back on just as soon as I dump these hornets, and Billy Ray, take that board we brought and jam it under the front door just like me and John Clayton did with the roaches. That’ll keep them in there with the hornets for a while.”