by M. Malone
Emma looks stunned but recovers quickly. "I'm really glad to hear that. Why don't we go into the kitchen? I'm sure Claire is going to be really happy to see you."
I walk beside her and then it occurs to me how odd it is for her not to be in the kitchen anyway. "What are you doing out here? Did Mom banish you from the kitchen again?"
She looks at me from the corner of her eye. "Maybe."
"So, you're using me as an excuse to get back in there?"
"Hey, don’t judge me."
We're still laughing when we enter the kitchen. Mom is at the stove stirring something. She looks up and when she sees Emma, she frowns. "You're supposed to be reading a magazine!"
Emma holds up her hands. "I'm not interfering, I promise. I was just coming in to tell you that Finn is here. That's all."
Mom narrows her eyes at Emma playfully. "I know you're dying to get in here and take over."
Emma pouts. "It's your dinner. I promised I wouldn't interfere and I won't."
Mom shakes her head. "Go ahead. I know it's killing you."
We watch as Emma runs over to the pot and tastes whatever's on the spoon. She reaches for some kind of spice on the counter and shakes a little in.
I look over at Mom. "Well, that made her happy."
"You've made me happy. I'm glad to see you here. But you don't look right. What's happened?" Suddenly she looks behind me expectantly. "Did you bring Marissa with you?"
I shake my head and she seems to instantly know. She turns to Emma who is still happily puttering behind the stove. "Emma, sweetheart would you mind keeping an eye on things? I'm going to sit down."
Then she pulls me into the living room and pushes me toward the sofa with more strength than I would have expected.
"Finn Marshall, you tell me what you did!"
I've never been good at explaining myself and this situation is strangely reminiscent of when I used to get in trouble as a kid.
"I hurt her."
The whole story comes spilling out and to her credit, Mom doesn't interrupt me. I go through the whole thing from my plan to rub Rissa's face in my newfound wealth, to our run ins with her ex, to falling in love with her and even the night I was higher than a kite and scared her to death. Mom listens to it all, sitting quietly on the couch next to me, her hands folded neatly in her lap.
I've just finished telling her about how Rissa found out about it all when she finally speaks.
"I always thought something was wrong between Andrew and Rissa. After you guys broke up and you deployed again, she never really looked happy. But I'm really surprised by this Finn. I raised you better than this."
I hang my head, knowing that her shame in my behavior is completely warranted.
"You've hurt a really lovely young woman and all because of pride. I'm sure that you want to get her back but I don't think you're in a place to even think about that yet."
I glance over at her. "But I have to make her see. She'll hate me if I can't find a way to explain this."
"Love is a powerful thing and I think that if you give her some time and show her through your actions that you've changed, that she might be able to forgive you. But the most important thing is that you're not healthy. And you haven't addressed that." She pulls me into a hug. "I blame myself for some of this. I knew that something wasn't right. All those pills disappearing. I think in my heart, I knew and I just didn't want to see it."
"It's not your fault, Mom. I only took the unfinished bottles when you got a new prescription. There's no way you could have known that. You've got more than enough on your own plate worrying about your own health."
She pins me with a hard look. "I'm a mother. Our plates expand. There's never so much going on that I don't worry about my children. That will never change."
I think about all the things she's gone through in her life. She was abandoned by my father, worked all sorts of jobs including a stint as a stripper to support us. Through it all, my mother has never lost her dignity. Because she was doing it all to protect her family. The only person I've been protecting all this time is myself.
"I looked up rehab centers. There's a private clinic in West Haven that can admit me next week. I have to get help. I was planning to do that even before Rissa found out about this."
Saying it out loud is a little scary but it also strengthens my resolve. I want to be the kind of person that my family, that Rissa can be proud of. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of myself. Going into rehab is the only way I can make that happen.
She nods and then puts her hand on my shoulder. "We'll be there for you, you know that. No matter what. But nothing else you do will matter if you don't get yourself healthy first."
Tank appears in the doorway. "Hey, man. When did you get here?" The strange hairless cat he adopted when he first started dating Emma winds around his legs and then disappears behind the recliner in the corner.
"Poochie, come out." Tank snaps his fingers. "We're trying to get her to be more social."
Mom gives me a look. Despite how dark I'm feeling, it brings a smile to my face. The only person Tank's cat likes is Tank. And maybe Emma. It definitely hates me.
"Dinner's ready!" Emma calls out.
My mom pats my leg and then stands. "I'll help set the table. You boys wash up and come on."
My phone rings. I look down to see I have a text from an unfamiliar number.
I'm still mad at you but I just thought you should know. Andrew was at the house messing with Rissa earlier. - - Tara
Tank gives up on coaxing the cat out and then glances over at me. "Are you staying? Or do you have to leave?"
I look up. "I'm staying. I just need to make a phone call."
"Good. I'm glad you made time." He walks into the kitchen. As soon as he's gone, the cat comes out from behind the recliner and hisses at me. "Okay, okay. I'm going." I walk into the other room to make my call.
Jonah answers on the first ring.
"First I want to apologize because this is absolutely not in your job description. However, I need you to keep an eye on Miss Blake tonight. Follow discreetly and do not engage. But I need to know that she's safe."
"Of course, sir. I'll let you know if anything doesn't look right."
"Thank you."
I hang up and move back into the living room. For a moment, I just stand there listening to the comforting sounds of family. When I close my eyes, I can picture the scene: Mom moving around getting plates and silverware, Emma at the stove, Tank behind her trying to sneak kisses in when no one is looking.
This is how I want to remember them while I'm gone. The memory will hold me over while I do the hard work of getting my life back on track. Maybe by then I'll finally be in a place where I feel I deserve to convince Rissa to give me another chance.
* * * * *
Dinner was the usual loud, happy affair. Mom didn't make any mention of our earlier conversation and I was more than happy to let Tank and Emma carry the conversation. Halfway through dinner, we found out why Emma was so happy that I'd come when she pulled her hand from her pocket wearing a massive engagement ring.
The rest of the evening was champagne toasts and wedding planning. Emma wants to get married in the spring so they have less than a year to plan everything. Mom and Emma started talking about dresses and cake tasting and Tank looked like his eyes were glazing over by the end of it. I'm pretty sure my brother has no idea what he's in for over the next few months.
I pull into my parking space and check my phone again. Jonah hasn't reported anything so I have to assume that means Rissa is fine. I'm going to have to adjust to not knowing where she is all the time or if she's safe. I haven't earned the right to that yet. Thinking about that just fuels my determination to get started cleaning up my life.
Once I'm upstairs, I open my cabinets and grab all the pill bottles. I carry them over to the living room table and dump them in a big pile. Then I walk back to the bathroom and open the medicine chest in there. I pull out more b
ottles, some of them with my name on them, some of them in my mom's name, and carry them up front too.
I sit down on the couch and stare at the pile, forcing myself to see what I've become. I have a stash. A fucking stash that I've amassed by lying to my mother. Then the insidious voice of doubt creeps in.
Isn’t it a bad thing to kick medication cold turkey?
Maybe I should keep taking them until I get checked in somewhere.
I've been doing it this long so what will one more hurt?
My head hurts from all the thoughts rolling around in my head. From the decisions I need to make. Before I know what's happened one of the pill bottles is in my hand. I shake out a few. Then I shake out a few more. I close my hand around the pills and squeeze.
I hear the door open behind me but I don't bother to turn around. When Tank sits next to me on the couch, he doesn't say anything. I knew he'd find his way here eventually.
"What happened?"
"Mom didn't tell you?"
"I asked her not to. I figured it might be something that you wanted to keep private. I'm asking you directly so you can decide if you want to tell me or not."
That surprises me. My mom hasn't been particularly good at keeping secrets in the past. But I know this is Tank's way of supporting me. And I know he'll be here to help me however I need him to, whether I tell him what happened or not.
"Short version, I fucked it up."
He nods. "Okay, so how are you going to fix it?"
One of the best things about Tank is that he likes to get right to the point. He doesn't really need a lot of details just goes right to solutions. I also know that if I need him to, he'll sit here with me all night patiently waiting until I'm ready to confide in him. Silence doesn't bother him at all. He uses the time to watch and collect information that might prove useful. It's what made him such a great sniper.
"I'm going to ask for help." Before I can change my mind or doubts can make me second-guess myself, I extend my hand toward him and uncurl my fingers. The mess of pills sits in my palm, sweaty from being squeezed in my hand for so long. "Don't let me fuck up anything else, Tank."
He stares at my outstretched hand and then his big hand covers mine, pulling the pills from my grasp. He stands and then disappears from view.
"Are you flushing them?"
He comes back with a plastic trash bag. "I can't do that. Emma has lectured me too many times about how you aren't supposed to flush certain things because it'll get into the water table."
"You are so whipped."
"Hell yeah, I am." He takes his hand and sweeps all the pill bottles on the table into the bag and then ties it closed. "I'm not going to dispose of all these bottles yet. Just in case your doctor wants you to wean off of them. But I'll keep them with me. I'll come over and give them to you when you need them."
"Okay." My eyes follow the bag until he stuffs it into the corner of the couch behind him and out of sight.
When he speaks again, his voice is just as shaky as mine. "All this time, I thought it was Mom. Her pills disappeared so fast and all she would say was that she was misplacing them."
He looks up at me and his eyes are suspiciously bright. It takes a lot to bring out emotion in my big brother but I can see that he's fighting for control. Shame washes over me again.
"I'm sorry. I've let all of you down. And I let you think that our mother was abusing her pills rather than tell you the truth."
His eyes remain on mine as he claps a hand on my shoulder. "It's going to be okay. I promise." He pulls me in for a hug and for a moment, I just allow him to prop me up.
Because I haven't been doing such a great job at that on my own.
After I feel calm enough to speak without crying like a baby, I pull back. "I booked a stay at a private clinic already. Can you drive me over there?"
"Done. Anything you need, you know I've got your back."
"Anything? Because there's someone who has been bothering Rissa lately. I might want us to take a little detour before you drop me off."
His eyes gleam in the semi-darkness. Then he smiles.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
RISSA
Daphne bursts into my office. "Did you hear? It's all over the news!"
I look up from my computer. "No, what's going on?"
"TMZ is reporting that Andrew Carrington was attacked over the weekend. Apparently some random thugs beat him up and then stuffed him in a dumpster. But he refuses to identify who did it to the police."
I turn back to my laptop and then pull up a search engine. A few seconds later I have the gossip site up on my screen. I gasp at the pictures of Andy's bruised and bloody face.
"Oh my god."
Tara enters and puts a stack of folders on the edge of my desk. She leans over my shoulder and then averts her eyes. "Hmm. Are you guys ready to go over the bills again?"
I recognize her guilty face. "Tara, do you know anything about this?"
"Why would I know anything about it? Guys who are assholes get beat up sometimes. It's called karma."
Daphne looks as unconvinced as I feel but I decide to let it go. We have work to do. The weekends have always been our time to go over bills and strategize but with everything going on, we've been putting it off. Usually we try to make it fun by ordering pizza but I don't think any of us are in a fun mood today. I pull up our financial software and we all look at the dangerously low bank balance displayed on the screen.
"I can't believe he actually did it," Daphne whispers. "Even after everything, I didn't think he'd actually back out of paying us. What are we going to do?"
Tara recovers first. "We're going to have to pay the girls and I can take a cut this week."
I turn to her. "No, Tara that's not fair. You need your paycheck just as much as anyone else."
"I have some savings,” she insists.
I groan, completely disgusted with myself. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I let my personal feelings for Finn intrude and influence the way I did business. The initial deposit that he paid when we signed the contract will help some but it's not nearly enough to cover the overtime shifts we need to pay out to all the girls who worked so tirelessly to get the second floor of his building ready to occupy in less than two weeks. As angry as I was at him, I should have made sure that we were paid before I confronted him. My impulsive decision might have just cost us our business. We were already on shaky ground and we can't afford to eat this kind of loss.
"It's my fault, so I will be the one who doesn't take a paycheck."
Daphne looks so sad, that I put my arm around her shoulders. She's the most optimistic of us all so stuff like this really takes her by surprise.
"It's okay, Daph. We're going to figure this out. It just means we'll have to cut some of the girls’ hours. I don't want to do that but it looks we don't have a choice."
"I know. It's just that I saw the way he looked at you. I really thought he'd fix it in the end."
We're still sitting in depressed silence when the front door buzzer sounds. Tara hops up. "I'll get it. It's probably just a delivery of supplies."
She returns a few minutes later with a slim envelope. "It's for you, Rissa. It was hand delivered and there's no return address."
I take the envelope. It's not even sealed properly, just fastened with those small metal hooks. I pry them open and then pull out the piece of paper inside. It's a photocopy.
The girls gather around me as I stare in disbelief at the document in my hands. Tara takes the paper from my hands and scrutinizes it. Even once it's out of my hands, I still see the letters in front of my face. It's a certified copy from the county of the deed to a building. To our building.
In my name.
"He did it!" Daphne throws her arms around me. Her enthusiasm is so infectious that I allow her to dance me around in a circle as Tara breaks out into nervous giggles.
"You own the building now." She turns to me. "He actually came through."
“This is so ex
citing! I knew he would come through. You have to go see him. Right now!” Daphne shoves me down into the desk chair and pulls a brush from her purse.
"My hair is too curly for that. If you brush it, it'll poof up until I look like a poodle."
"Oh right." She throws the brush on the desk and gently finger combs the snarls from my hair. Tara rummages through my purse until she finds my lip-gloss. She hands it to me. I apply a thin layer with shaky hands.
"What am I going to say to him?"
Tara shakes her head. "The man just gave you a building. I'd say all the rules have officially been thrown out the window. I'm pretty sure he won't care what you say. He'll just be glad you're back."
Warmth suffuses me as they rush me out the door. I turn at the last minute. "What if this isn't his way of saying he wants me back? Maybe he's just trying to keep us from suing him."
The idea of going over there by myself only to find out that Finn is still angry terrifies me.
"Come on, we'll drive you. You're not in any shape to drive. Plus, I love to see a happy ending!" Daphne herds me outside and then turns to lock the front doors of the building behind us.
"How do you know it's going to be a happy ending?" I am desperate to know the answer. Because I want that so much and anytime I've ever wanted something like this, it hasn't happened.
"This is your romantic moment, Ris. It's just like in the movies. The hero does something stupid but then he apologizes and does the grand gesture. Then he picks her up and carries her off into the sunset. This is your time to ride off into the sunset and no one deserves it more than you."
Tara leads us to her car since it's the biggest and I climb into the back while Daphne gets up front. They whisper softly back and forth to each other the entire drive but I'm not paying attention to any of it. All I'm thinking of is Finn and what I'll say to him.
Tara parks directly in front of his building. John waves as we enter the lobby. I use my key and then hit the button for the top floor. Tara bumps my shoulder. "Are you ready for this?"
