Rocking Perfection

by Cassandra Lawson

  “How has your week been going?” I asked. She was quieter than usual. “Did anything interesting happen?”

  Amelia’s long blonde hair had been dyed black since our last session. It fell forward to cover half her face, likely in an attempt to hide her new eyebrow piercing.

  “It wasn’t like the last time,” she snapped without looking at me. “I just wanted the piercing.”

  Amelia had a history of self-mutilation, ranging from cutting to self-piercing. Any new piercing was a cause for concern since they often became infected. She rarely used sterilized equipment or took care of them.

  “When did you decide to do this one?” I asked.

  “After I got home from school on Friday,” she grumbled.

  “Was it a rough day at school?” I asked.

  It took another fifteen minutes of gentle probing to get Amelia to open up about what had driven her to pierce her eyebrow. After that, we discussed her coping mechanisms, including calling me.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t call you,” she mumbled as she looked at her lap. “Are you angry at me?”

  “No,” I assured her. “I just want to help you. I can only do that if you let me. Are you thinking about hurting yourself?”

  I waited for her to respond, and I could see her struggling with the truth. She was considering lying because the bigger part of her didn’t want me to stop her.

  “Yes,” she whispered. “If I go home, I’m going to cut myself. I’ve been thinking about it all day. I want to do it so much.”

  This was one of the more difficult aspects of my job. I needed to remain detached enough to focus on getting Amelia help. I was supposed to meet Xander, but I already knew there wouldn’t be time. On my way out to the waiting room to speak to Amelia’s mom, I sent him a quick text.

  Cami: I’m stuck at work. I’ll text you later. Sorry.

  After that, I spent the next several hours working on details. With the help of Amelia’s psychiatrist, I was able to get her checked in for a seventy-two-hour evaluation. It wasn’t her first time, so Amelia was calm when I left her. Still, she looked fragile as she mumbled a goodbye to her mom. Despite my exhaustion, the day was a success. Any time a patient told me they wanted to hurt themselves rather than just doing it was a success for me.

  As I slid into my car, I grabbed my phone to read the text from Xander.

  Xander: Sorry to hear that. Let me know when you want to reschedule or if you’d like me to drop off dinner later.

  I had just the one message from him, and it made me smile. Xander’s reaction was what I’d always hoped for with boyfriends. I’d had some who were understanding about my work, but there were others, like Mitch, who weren’t. With Mitch, I would have had a minimum of five messages demanding a response. I don’t work a typical job with consistently regular hours. There are times when I have to cancel plans or cut people off in the middle of a conversation because of an emergency. It doesn’t happen often, but it definitely happens.

  As frustrating as that aspect of my job is, I still love what I do. I make a difference in the lives of children. Amelia had trusted me enough to let me know she needed help.

  Cami: Thank you for the offer. Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. It was a busy day. I’ll call you when I get home to reschedule if that’s okay.

  Xander: Sure. I’m up. Have you eaten?

  Cami: Not yet. I’ll probably fix a sandwich. I’m about to start driving, so I’ll talk to you later.

  Putting my phone back into my purse, I headed home.

  Chapter 18

  Xander

  My great idea didn’t seem nearly so great as I stood on Cami’s porch, waiting for her to get home. When she’d said she hadn’t eaten yet, I’d decided to surprise her with Thai food. Cami loved Thai. It wasn’t until after I arrived at her place that I realized it might come off as more presumptuous than sweet. She was already having issues with Mitch harassing her. I probably should have waited for her to call. What if she wasn’t in the mood for Thai?

  I shook my head and almost laughed at my worries. I wasn’t usually the type to second-guess myself, especially not when it came to women. My mom and sister had raised me right. While I might flirt too much at times, I was still respectful. I’d never had a girlfriend claim I was insensitive.

  “Xander?” Cami’s voice interrupted my thoughts. “What are you doing here?”

  I held up the bag and flashed her a sheepish smile. “I brought dinner. It seemed like a good idea when I got in my car and ordered takeout.”

  “It’s really sweet,” she assured me. “How did you pull this off? You live nearly twenty minutes away, yet you made it here with dinner before I got home.”

  “I ordered from a place near here on my drive over. When I told them I was in a hurry, they agreed to bring it out to my car so I wouldn’t have to worry about anyone recognizing me.”

  “You are an amazing guy,” she told me. “Thank you.”

  “You look beat,” I remarked. “I’ll leave this with you and head home. Why don’t you call me tomorrow when you’re rested up so we can reschedule our shopping trip?”

  She took the bag as she watched me with an expression of disbelief. “Really? That’s it? You drive over here to feed me, and now you’re just going to drive home because I’m tired?”

  “Why does that surprise you?” I asked.

  “I’m just not used to guys I’m dating doing this sort of thing,” she admitted.

  I moved closer until I was standing directly in front of her. My hand cupped her cheek. “You’re dating the wrong guys. You deserve this kind of treatment.”

  Cami stared at me with wide eyes as I brushed her lower lip with my thumb. She hadn’t pushed me away yet, and there was nothing in her body language to hint that she wanted me to stop, so I said fuck it and kissed her.

  Chapter 19

  Cami

  I should stop him. That’s what one voice in my head was saying as Xander’s lips moved against mine. That voice argued that I’d had a rough day and losing myself in Xander’s kiss was a mistake. The other voice in my head was urging me to drop the takeout bag and grip his hair with both hands to hold him close.

  One of his hands moved to my lower back as his tongue slid along the crease of my lips, testing my reaction. When my lips parted on a sigh, his tongue slipped inside to explore my mouth. With my keys in one hand and the takeout bag in the other, I couldn’t slide my hands under his shirt like I wanted to. Even as I allowed myself to become lost in his kiss, I recognized what a mistake it would be to let things go too far. The problem wasn’t knowing it would be a mistake so much as remembering why I should care.

  My tongue moved along Xander’s as his hand on my cheek glided to the back of my neck.

  When Xander finally ended the kiss, we both stared at each other for several heartbeats.

  “I should apologize and tell you that was a mistake,” he began, his hand massaging the back of my neck.

  “Are you sorry?” I asked.

  “No,” he admitted. “I guess I’m a little sorry I took advantage of you while you’re vulnerable.”

  “I’m not vulnerable,” I argued.

  “Forgive my poor choice of words. I just meant that you had a rough day. Working with kids who need help would be hard on anyone.”

  “It can be,” I agreed. “If I didn’t maintain a certain level of emotional distance, I’d lose my mind.”

  He nodded. His hand was still massaging the back of my neck, and it didn’t appear he had any plans to release me. “That makes sense. Are you mad about me kissing you?”

  Breaking eye contact, I shook my head and took a step back. Xander released me. “I’m the one who’s been an asshole. It wasn’t fair of me to ask you to pretend to be my boyfriend.”

  “Because you know I like you as more than a friend?” he asked.

  I met his eyes and nodded. “At first, I tried to convince myself you were just flirting with me because it’s what you do with
all women. Until tonight, I thought there was a chance that was the case, but it’s not, is it?”

  He shook his head. “Nope. I like you a lot. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be some pushy dick who starts just showing up at your place unannounced. I did tonight, but it wasn’t to harass you. Honestly, I just wanted to bring you dinner.”

  “I can’t date you, Xan,” I told him. “Maybe once I work through all this stuff, I can, but I can’t promise that.”

  “And I’m fine with that,” he assured me.

  The problem with Xander’s assurance was that I didn’t entirely believe him. “I should go inside, eat dinner, and go to bed.”

  “I fucked up, right?” he asked. “Things are awkward.”

  “No, they aren’t awkward.” I was surprised by how true that was. Xander was still my friend, and I knew he wouldn’t be a jerk about the kiss. “If I were in a better place, I’d want to date you, but I need to stop trying to be the perfect girlfriend before I date anyone.”

  He nodded and looked down at his feet before sighing. When his gaze met mine again, he said, “For the record, there is nothing, absolutely nothing I would change about you. You are already the perfect girl for me.”

  On those words, he turned and walked down the stairs, leaving me stunned and a little turned on. My day certainly hadn’t gone the way I’d expected.

  Chapter 20

  Cami

  It was tempting to throw my phone across the room when my alarm went off the next morning. I’d been in the middle of the most incredible sex dream—one where I awoke with one hand pressed between my legs. In my dream, it had been Xander between my legs.

  “Oh. My. God. This is so wrong.” I grabbed my pillow and put it over my face to muffle my groan of frustration. After he’d left the night before, I’d texted Xander to make sure he knew we were still okay. I had no intention of losing our friendship.

  I needed advice, so I called Bentley.

  “Hey, Cami,” she answered.

  “Hi. Are you alone?” I asked.

  “Sure am,” she replied. “What’s going on?”

  “Xander kissed me.” Why beat around the bush?

  “When?” she asked.

  “Last night,” I replied. “Actually, he kissed me the night before that, too, but it was just for practice that night.”

  “Practice for what?” she asked. “Why do you need to practice kissing? Was there a kissing competition?”

  “Ha-ha,” I said in a dry tone. “You are too funny.”

  “I wasn’t trying to be funny,” she insisted. “You surprised me, that’s all. Start from the beginning.”

  “Xan said we’d need to kiss in public if we're pretending to date, so he kissed me before we went to see a movie. It was perfectly innocent.” Not really, but I wanted to play down that kiss since it should have been innocent. “Then, last night, he came by my place with dinner. He surprised me after a long day. It was sweet.”

  “And you kissed him?” she asked.

  “He kissed me,” I corrected her. “I did kiss him back. It definitely wasn’t a one-sided kiss.”

  “Was it good?” she asked.

  “It was amazing,” I admitted. “He held back, and it was still innocent—more innocent than it could have been, at least. What am I going to do? I told Xander we couldn’t date. I also apologized for suggesting we pretend to date when I know he wants more.”

  Bentley groaned. “Please tell me you didn’t embarrass him by admitting to knowing how he feels.”

  “What was I supposed to do?” I asked. “Pretend I don’t know after he kissed me? He honestly didn’t seem embarrassed. I got the impression he was glad to stop pretending.”

  “This could be a problem,” she replied.

  “I know,” I said with a sigh. “Why do I keep doing this to myself? It’s a terrible idea for me to get involved with any guy. My dating hiatus is for the best. If I start dating Xander for real, I’ll end up becoming the perfect rocker groupie. We all know I can’t be myself with any guy. I’ll make waffles all day and turn into an obsessed Reckless Release fan.”

  “You’re already an obsessed Reckless Release fan,” Bentley pointed out.

  “Good point. I was such an idiot for thinking this stupid game with Xander would work.”

  “It could work if you didn’t have feelings for Xander,” she began thoughtfully. “The attraction isn’t one-sided. If that were the case, the kiss wouldn’t be so much of a problem. You’re worried it’s going to happen again.”

  “I’m most worried I’ll ask him to kiss me next time,” I confessed. There was no reason to lie to Bentley. She wouldn’t judge me for how I felt.

  “There’s only one solution,” she told me.

  “You’re right. I need to put an end to this thing with Xander and get back to just being friends with him,” I agreed.

  “That sounds more like something I’d say,” she said with a laugh. “Come to think of it, my advice seems more like something you would say.”

  “What advice were you going to give?” I asked.

  “I was going to tell you that you and Xander should try a friends-with-benefits situation,” she explained. “If you’re only friends, you don’t need to be the perfect girlfriend, and you can both deal with your mutual lust.”

  “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” I hedged. “If Xander likes me, this could make his feelings stronger.”

  “It might. I still think you should run it by him,” she insisted. “He might go for the idea. Xander’s a big boy.”

  Very big if the rumors were true. I decided to stop that train of thought. Thinking about Xander’s dick wasn’t going to help me make a clear-headed decision.

  “Say you’ll think about it,” she coaxed. “Don’t forget that I let you talk me into doing something a little reckless, and it all worked out for the best.”

  Bentley was referring to the time I’d talked her into having a one-night-stand with Gage. She’d been determined to never speak to him again after a misunderstanding had resulted in him acting like a complete jerk. When he’d apologized and asked her to give him a chance, I’d talked her into indulging in a fantasy. That fantasy had turned into much more.

  “My situation with Xander is much more complicated,” I reminded her.

  “Which is why you need to see how Xander feels about the idea,” she pointed out. “At least, promise me you’ll give the idea some thought. Why rule it out?”

  “I’ll think about it,” I agreed.

  “That’s all I ask.”

  Chapter 21

  Xander

  As I waited for Cami in front of the store, I pondered our situation. I expected Cami to avoid me after our kiss. It was hard to think of it as a mistake, even though it probably was. I’d made her uncomfortable. At the same time, I hadn’t missed her reaction. I wasn’t clueless enough to think it meant she’d suddenly change her mind about dating me. Cami was still determined to avoid dating.

  “Are you ready to shop?” she asked as she approached me with a bright smile.

  Seeing her smile, I breathed a sigh of relief. “Sure am.” When she was beside me, I hugged her and leaned in to ask, “Am I still supposed to play the part of your boyfriend?”

  Pulling back slightly, she opened her mouth to respond but closed it again.

  “We should have had this talk before,” I said with a sigh.

  Cami laced her fingers through mine and smiled. “Yes, we should have. For now, let’s shop. After that, we can go back to your place for waffles.”

  “That sounds perfect,” I agreed.

  We made our way into the store, and I tried to focus on all her instructions about what we needed, but it wasn’t easy. My mind was on her answer to my question. Since she’d held my hand as we walked into the store, I assumed we were still pretending to be a couple, but I wasn’t sure if that would continue.

  “Are you listening to me?” Cami asked.

  I shook my head and f
lashed her a sheepish smile. “Sorry, I let my mind wander. I thought we were only here for a few things. We’ve picked up a lot of stuff so far.”

  She shrugged. “You said you want to learn to cook more than just waffles, so we should look at some other stuff. Every kitchen needs a mixer.”

  “Why don’t I get one of these to mix up my waffles?” I asked as I looked at the row of mixers. It seemed easier than using a whisk.

  “No, you need to use a whisk for waffles, but you might want to make cookies,” she pointed out.

  “Are you going to teach me how to make cookies, too?”

  “I could,” she agreed.

  “Would you make cookies for me?” I asked.

  She flashed me a teasing grin. “Do you deserve cookies?”

  Leaning in closer, I dropped my voice. “What do I need to do to earn some cookies?”

  Cami sucked in a sharp breath, but before she could respond, we were interrupted.

  “Excuse me.”

  I turned to find two guys, likely in their late teens, standing behind me.

  When I flashed them a bright smile, one of them asked, “Can we get your autograph?”

  “We’re huge Reckless Release fans,” the other added.

  “Sure,” I replied. “What would you like me to sign?”

  A few other customers approached us. Cami didn’t once roll her eyes or complain. She was amazing.

  “Can we get a picture with you and your girlfriend?” a guy asked.

  “Absolutely.” The word was out of my mouth before it occurred to me that Cami might not like the idea.

  When I looked over at her, she smiled and moved to my side. I slipped an arm around her shoulders, and one of hers went around my waist.