Never Look Back

by Lesley Pearse

  Feeling shamed and foolish, she went right down to the bottom of the garden, behind the pig pen, slumped down on an upturned pail and covering her face with her hands, burst into tears. She heard him coming down the garden, but this time there was nowhere further to run.

  He’d abandoned his coat and his clerical collar, and with sweat running down his face he looked more like a farm worker than a minister. ‘I’m so sorry, Matty,’ he said as he got nearer. ‘I didn’t think before I whispered to you, I suppose I thought you’d know it was me right off and laugh.’

  ‘But why say that, Giles?’ she asked, hardly able to look him in the face.

  He leaned down, put one finger under her chin and lifted it. ‘Because it’s the answer to everything. Will you marry me?’

  Matilda gasped with shock. She’d seen so many sides of him in the years she had worked for him – master, clergyman, husband and father – and in all these roles she’d seen his integrity and his deep understanding of people and their needs. Had her words to Lily today troubled him so deeply that he felt he had to offer marriage?

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ She slapped his hand away from her chin. ‘It’s no answer to anything! You have only been widowed for five months, you can’t even think of marrying anyone else yet, and besides, you don’t love me.’

  To her surprise he just laughed, and moved back to lean on the fence of the pig pen. ‘Matty, I have always loved you! Not romantic love perhaps, I would have been a poor minister and husband if I had spent my days thinking romantic thoughts about my daughter’s nursemaid. But it is love I feel for you, it grew out of admiration, trust and friendship. Isn’t it true you held the same feelings for myself and Lily?’

  ‘Well, yes.’ She blushed. ‘But that’s not the right kind of love for marriage.’

  He looked at her long and hard for a moment or two. ‘Love is love, I don’t believe one can claim there are different kinds. Tabitha adores you. We are the best of friends, and in the past we have also been allies in secret schemes. I even know you keep a clean and tidy house and that you cook like a dream. Most couples intending to wed have a great deal less knowledge of one another.’

  ‘But what about desire?’ she whispered, blushing furiously.

  ‘Ah yes, desire,’ he said, and there was a hint of laughter in his voice. ‘Desire, that item which is often the only basis for some couples’ attraction. Do I feel it for you?’

  He turned for a moment to look at the pigs rooting in their pen, and turned back again wrinkling his nose. ‘We could hardly find a less romantic spot to consider such a question. Yet I’m not blind to the fact you are a very pretty woman, and I’d give anything to take you in my arms and kiss you.’

  ‘Sir!’ she reproved him, jumping up from her pail. ‘It isn’t right to say such things.’

  ‘So I’m “Sir” again!’ he laughed. ‘I should have known you wouldn’t think the same way. I take it you don’t want to kiss me then?’

  His words were like a scythe cutting through the long, tired old grass and revealing the fresh green shoots growing beneath. His dark eyes were looking at her with tenderness, his lips were curved into a sweet smile, and his black curls tumbling around his lean, tanned face suddenly looked so adorable that her fingers itched to reach out and ruffle them. But more than that, she could feel that old familiar tugging sensation inside her.

  She knew in that instant that whatever it was that had made her want Flynn was there in Giles too.

  ‘Maybe,’ she said cautiously.

  ‘That’s a start then,’ he said. ‘As I recall, when Lily was bent on finding you a sweetheart not one of those men got even a “maybe”.’

  Stepping forward, he put one hand on either side of her face and held it for a second, just looking at her. Then he kissed her lips. It was the lightest of kisses, yet not an entirely chaste one. ‘Was that so terrible?’ he asked, his eyes twinkling with mischief.

  Matilda ran back into the house feeling totally confused, Giles called out that he was going down to the livery stable to check on his horse. When he returned a couple of hours later he was unusually quiet and made no further reference to anything he’d said earlier.

  They ate a cold supper, then when he moved over to his desk to write some notes for his next sermon, she felt he probably regretted everything which had transpired in the afternoon. Unable to speak of it herself, she took some sewing out on to the porch and hoped that someone might come visiting and create a diversion for them.

  No one came by, and at dusk Giles came out with a lighted lamp and sat down in a chair next to her. ‘It seems to be getting hotter than ever,’ Matilda said, casting around for any topic of conversation which would relieve the strained atmosphere. ‘I can hardly sew, my fingers are so sticky.’

  ‘It’s too dark for you to see clearly, so put it away,’ he said, reaching out and taking the work from her lap. ‘You work much too hard, Matty. Just sit back in your chair and enjoy the warm, peaceful evening.’

  ‘It seems odd without Tabby,’ she said nervously.

  ‘I’m very glad she isn’t here,’ he said rather gruffly. ‘Because I think we need to clear the air.’

  ‘You don’t have to say anything,’ she said. ‘Let’s just forget about it.’

  ‘You misunderstand me,’ he said, moving his chair sideways so he could see her better. ‘I don’t intend to retract anything I said earlier, but I do wish I’d put it better.’ He paused for a moment as if choosing his words carefully.

  ‘You may think I’m unbalanced by grief, Matty, and that I asked you to marry me just to solve all our problems. But that isn’t so. I’ve thought about this long and hard. I know it’s the right thing to do.’

  ‘I don’t see any problems, not ones which need such a drastic step,’ she retorted.

  ‘There are, Matty,’ he said. ‘The main one is that your reputation might be ruined by being alone in this house with me.’

  ‘You don’t have to marry me to stop that happening,’ Matilda interrupted, somewhat indignantly. ‘I could board with someone in town and still look after Tabitha and this house.’

  He sighed and looked crestfallen. ‘Once again I seem to be putting things badly. Suppose you were in my position, what would you do?’

  ‘I certainly wouldn’t rush to marry anyone,’ she said. ‘I suppose I’d take Tabitha off somewhere for a while, see old friends, sort out my feelings.’

  ‘That’s exactly what I’d like to do,’ he said. ‘Then I’d come right back and try to woo you. But I can’t, I am tied to the church, and this house goes with the ministry. So I have no choice but to stay here.’

  Matilda was touched by the word ‘woo’, and she half smiled. ‘You could find a better catch to woo than me,’ she said.

  ‘Matty, will you stop imagining I am suggesting a marriage of convenience,’ he said in exasperation. ‘What I tried to make you see this afternoon was that I think we were meant for one another. Not just as friends, or because of our shared love for Tabitha, but as husband and wife with all that entails. You are afraid to look on me as just a man and prospective lover, purely because of the circumstances, but stand back from that, Matty, forget Lily for a moment, and that you were once our servant.’

  ‘I can’t,’ she said.

  ‘I believe you can,’ he insisted, dark eyes flashing. ‘Because I have learnt to do it. You are loving, giving, compassionate and you have a fine mind. On top of that you are very beautiful, and I don’t believe there’s a better catch than you in the whole state.’ He reached out and took her hand in his. ‘I don’t see you as a substitute for Lily, you are so different from her that any comparison would be meaningless. I believe we could have the most wonderfully happy marriage, Matty, we are in tune with one another, we always have been.’

  ‘But how can I step into a dead woman’s shoes?’ she pleaded with him. ‘Especially someone’s who meant so much to me. It would be easier to have a marriage of convenience than strive for the kind of
bliss you shared with Lily.’

  ‘Our marriage was not blissful, and you know that,’ he said, looking at her sternly. ‘But for your presence when we first moved to New York, it might well have crumbled. You witnessed the sulking, the hysteria, and no doubt you were quite aware of how unsympathetic I was to her at times. What we had is what most marriages have, some good periods, some bad, and some terrible. I am so very glad that the last two years were so utterly good, for that is the part I look back on now. But in truth, Matty, it was you more than anyone else who brought that Lily back to me. If she could stand here now on the porch she would tell you so herself.’

  ‘But she was my friend.’ Matty began to cry. ‘I promised I’d take care of you and Tabby, but she wouldn’t want – ’She stopped short, unable to say it.

  ‘She wouldn’t want you in my bed?’ he asked, half smiling. ‘But that’s just what she did want, Matty, her last words to me were “Marry Matty, Giles, she’ll make you happy in every way. ‘And you’ll make her happy too.’ ”

  Matilda’s head jerked up. ‘She really said that?’

  ‘Ask the doctor if you doubt me,’ he said. ‘He heard her too.’

  Matilda knew that Giles would never make up such a thing, but even with Lily’s approval she still couldn’t bring herself to say yes. Her own father had once given her some advice out on the river on the way back from visiting Dolly for that first time. ‘Never dally with a grieving man,’ he had said. ‘They ain’t right in the ’ead for some time,’ and Lucas, though a simple man in so many ways, had been very wise.

  She went off to bed a little later, having changed the subject to talk about Tabitha. But once in bed she couldn’t sleep. It was unbearably hot and her mind was in a turmoil. Deep down inside her, however ashamed it made her feel, she wanted Giles. Maybe it was only today that she’d suddenly felt desire for him, but looking back over the years she could see that he had always been more to her than master or friend, she’d just been too naive to see it then. But the fear that she would be living in Lily’s shadow frightened her. Could she learn to live with Giles looking sadly over his shoulder? Or would it turn her into a bitter shrew, always trying to prove herself that much better?

  She must have fallen asleep eventually, only to wake suddenly at the sound of torrential rain battering down on the roof. She lay there for a while savouring the welcome cool breeze coming through the open window, but a loud crack of thunder, followed immediately by a flash of lightning which lit up the room, made her run to the window to close it. A second brilliant flash of lightning illuminated the whole garden, enough for her to see Gertie the little goat tethered up, and the chickens which she’d forgotten to shoo into the hen-house. Without even stopping to get a wrap, she ran down the stairs and across the kitchen towards the back door.

  ‘Matty!’

  Giles’s voice came from his bedroom which was on the ground floor.

  ‘I left the goat and hens out,’ she yelled back. ‘I’m just going to get them in.’

  As she opened the door, the force of the wind and rain threw it back violently, almost knocking her over. Giles ran across the kitchen and slammed it shut.

  ‘You can’t go out in that,’ he said. ‘They’ll be fine, animals have more sense than us.’

  ‘I must,’ she insisted, trying to push past him. ‘Gertie will be terrified.’

  Giles caught hold of her arms and for a moment they wrestled, Matilda determined to get to the goat, Giles equally determined to stop her. Another blinding flash of lightning lit up the entire kitchen. Matilda shrieked in fright, and suddenly Giles’s arms were round her.

  ‘There, there,’ he said comfortingly. ‘It can’t hurt us, and Gertie is on a long chain, she’ll get under a bush. As for the chickens, they may be stupid but they are bright enough to go into the hen-house all alone.’

  Giles was wearing only a night-shirt, and as he pulled her closer still to him, so the heat and hardness of his body struck through her thin night-gown, and all at once they were kissing.

  Passion erupted just as suddenly as the storm had. The windows shook, thunder crashed, lightning flashed and the rain lashed down, mirroring the emotions which had been released. Arms locked around each other, lips and tongues devouring, their hands explored and fingers caressed.

  Giles lifted her up into his arms and shamelessly she wound her legs around his middle, covering his face and neck with more kisses.

  ‘I want you so badly, Matty,’ he whispered as he carried her up to her bedroom. ‘Is it the same for you?’

  ‘Oh yes,’ she sighed, clinging to him even tighter.

  The storm howling outside was as frantic, wild and uninhibited as their passion. Night-gowns were tossed aside, two bodies on fire, consumed by their need for one another.

  For Matilda it was as if everything in her life so far had been leading up to this moment. She didn’t care what tomorrow would bring, his lips on hers, his hands caressing her body, driving her further and further into a spiral of sheer bliss was the only thing that mattered.

  As he went to enter her, for just the briefest moment she resisted. But a flash of lighting illuminated his face, and she saw no lust, but such tenderness and caring, that she thrust herself towards him joyfully.

  ‘My darling,’ he murmured. ‘My precious darling Matty.’

  It was like being reborn as they lay still joined together, sticky with perspiration. Whatever had gone before was wiped out by the present. Although she had no real yardstick of previous experience to measure their love-making by, she knew without a doubt that such utter ecstasy was a very special gift. She didn’t need Giles to tell her it was new to him too, she could feel it in his kisses, hear it in his contented sighs. They might be damned for tasting it before marriage. The rest of the world might see it as shameful so soon after Lily’s death, but Matilda’s heart was too full of joy to care about such things.

  Giles nuzzled into her breasts and wound his fingers into her long hair. ‘Men have often come to me in the past to confide their illicit love for a woman,’ he said softly. ‘I have listened, sympathized and consoled, and all too often tried to make them break off the liaison. When they failed to do this, I would be bewildered, because you see, Matty, I had no real comprehension of the depths and heights of passion. I understand now though.’

  ‘Are you trying to tell me this will always be an illicit love affair?’ she asked teasingly. ‘Has the offer of marriage been withdrawn?’

  ‘Of course not, my darling.’ He kissed her nose and laughed. ‘I think you know what I mean. I didn’t intend to bed you until a ring was on your finger. I didn’t even think of such things. But now we have taken that step it makes things more complicated because I know I am going to want you by my side every day, every night.’

  It was dawn now, still raining just as heavily, but the thunder was more distant and the first rays of daylight had made a dull grey light in the room. He leaned up on one elbow and looked down at her, stroking away tendrils of hair from her face. ‘After our conversation last evening I thought that to prevent any talk about us, I could sleep over at Dr Treagar’s house for a few months. But this alters everything, Matty. We’ll have to get married right away.’

  ‘But we can’t do that,’ she said, startled by his sudden urgency. ‘You know what people will say. I don’t care for myself, but it might get to Tabby’s ears and I couldn’t bear her to think we were betraying her mother’s memory.’

  Giles slumped down beside her. Clearly he hadn’t thought of this. ‘What will we do then? I know I won’t be able to get through one day without holding you.’

  ‘Nor me,’ she agreed. ‘But we’ll have to learn.’

  A loud and violent banging on the front door woke them just before six. Giles pulled on his pants and rushed down to answer it.

  Solomon, with a sack protecting his shoulders from the rain, was pacing up and down on the porch. ‘I’ve just heard the river’s burst its banks,’ he shouted as Giles opened
the door. ‘I fear the folks down there are drowned. Get someone to ring the church bell. I’m going on down there.’

  Giles and Matilda dressed immediately and rushed out of the house minutes later. While Matilda ran across to the stables to get the horse and gig, Giles went to Mr Homberger to ask him to ring the bell and tell everyone who came to the summons to come down and help. As Matilda came out of the stables with the gig, he jumped up on to it, took the reins from her and whipped the horse into a gallop.

  As they reached the bluff where goods from the boats were hauled up to bring them into town, they stopped, staring for a moment in horror and disbelief at the sight which met their eyes.

  The landing stage was swept away, muddy brown water surged over what had been parched low-lying land the day before. Uprooted trees, parts of homes, tables, stools and household utensils bobbed around on the surface, oxen, horses and pigs were desperately trying to swim to dry land, and even above the still heavy rain they could hear the cries of those waiting to be rescued. Two small children were clinging to the branches of a tree, a woman was desperately trying to tread water, a baby in her arms. A small girl sat screaming on an upturned table that even as they surveyed the scene was floating further downstream. But worse still were the floating bodies, face down, arms spread – healthy men, women and children who had slept so soundly they hadn’t even heard the storm, much less the river silently rising until it spilled over and surged through their homes, sweeping them away.

  Solomon was already in the water, swimming strongly out to a skiff broken loose from its moorings. He was aboard it in a trice, rowing frantically out towards the woman with the baby, at the same time yelling back for other men to find boats. Two men appeared carrying a canoe between them, and a woman shouted from one shack on slightly higher ground that they could take her boat.

  As more and more townsfolk came galloping down on horses and in carts to help with the rescue, Giles took charge. Older women were ordered to go back to open the school-house, collecting as many blankets and dry clothes as they could on the way. Old men were told to commandeer carts and find anything to make stretchers, while he divided the main body of people into groups to search the water’s edge for survivors and bodies.