Hear Me Now

by Melyssa Winchester

“Caddy, I know you think that because I’m old, I don’t notice things, but I’ve been watching you and I think there’s more going on than you’re admitting to.”

  Sticking to the decision I made, not to speak another word after walking out of the bathroom the day before, I start signing and after her first initial eyebrow raise, she sits down on the bed and waits until I’m finished.

  I don’t want to talk about it.

  “Does it have something to do with Dillon?”

  Yes and no.

  “Caddy; you like this boy, don’t you?”

  That’s such a silly question. Of course I like the boy. I wouldn’t have gone to bat for him so much if I didn’t like him. She knows this and since I know it’s not what she really wants to know, I just give her the answer she’s after.

  Until yesterday afternoon I was his girlfriend.

  “What happened yesterday afternoon?” she asks and I can tell she wants to say more, but she’s giving me the space I need to get it all out on my own. It’s her mom and teacher roles combined and I’m the guinea pig she’s testing it on.

  Tim said some things to Dillon, it set him off and he went after him. I couldn’t handle it so I ran and everything blew up after that.

  “What did Tim say?”

  Not telling you that. You know I hate saying it.

  She doesn’t say anything for a few minutes and I wonder what she’s thinking. She knows how I am about repeating nasty names back to her, how it makes me feel no better than the people who originally said them.

  “So you’re telling me Dillon defended you?”

  I nod, not wanting to sign at all anymore.

  “Maybe I was wrong about that boy after all.”

  Huh? She’s the last person in the world to condone violence. She’s half the reason I feel as strongly as I do about it and now she’s admitting that what he did defending me was right? Since when?

  Violence is never right, Mom. You’re the one that taught me that. I sign and she nods her head in agreement.

  “Yes. I’m the one that told you that and as wrong as what he did is and there can be no disputing that it was wrong, defending you will never be wrong to me.”

  Great, so my mom’s on Dillon’s side. It makes what I did walking away that much worse.

  “Did he do something to you? Is that why the two of you aren’t together anymore?”

  When I admitted that Dillon and I were dating, I expected her to get mad at me. I know she’s not a mean person, but she is my mom and hiding the fact that I’m dating from her, I have to figure she would have had some kind of response to, but so far she hasn’t said a word about it. It’s like she knew all along.

  He didn’t do anything to me.

  Except tell me he loves me and plead with me not to leave him.

  “Well, I’m glad to hear that. So the reason you don’t want to go today, it’s because of seeing him again?”

  I nod weakly and she sighs.

  “Is there more going on that you aren’t telling me?”

  “Can I ask you something?” I say, this time speaking aloud.

  “You can ask me anything sweetheart.”

  “Is it wrong to have someone change for you?”

  “I don’t believe it’s wrong for someone to change, but a person shouldn’t do it just to please someone else. I think if they really want to change and be a different person, it has to be for them alone.”

  “What happens if you like the person just way they are, faults and all? Is that wrong?”

  “Caring about someone, it’s never easy. Seeing past their imperfections; the things you don’t necessarily like, it speaks to the size of your heart and the person you are. That can never be wrong.”

  “Mom, I think I screwed everything up.”

  “Do you want to tell me why you think that?”

  “Dillon, before I walked away from him, he said some things and I think I should have stayed but I didn’t and now I think I messed up.”

  “What did he say?”

  “That he wanted to be someone that could be worthy of me. He wanted to change for me, but at the same time, he wanted to be someone he hasn’t been in a long time.”

  “So he was changing for both of you.”

  I nod slowly and she smiles, though it’s so small it doesn’t even look like a real smile at all.

  “Dillon cares a great deal about you. You’ve been a good influence on him and something tells me that what you’re feeling, believing you screwed up, he’s feeling even more so. With everything you’ve told me about him since the two of you started hanging out, I think that’s his default setting.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “The bullying, fighting, name calling; all of the things he does that no one around him can tolerate, they’re all his way of dealing with his life because he hasn’t been taught the right way to handle it. Before you came along, I would venture to say that he didn’t give much thought to any of that and was just surviving the only way he knew how. When you came along all of that changed. Now he feels as though all of those things are screwing everything up.”

  “He’s not a screw up.”

  “We know that, but I don’t think he’s quite there yet.”

  “Is this where you tell me that he needs someone to show him the way?”

  She laughs and I can’t help but smile weakly in return.

  “No, I’m not going to tell you that. Putting that much pressure on one person isn’t right. Dillon has to learn how to do this on his own. He has to realize that not every step he takes is the wrong one in his own time and way.”

  “Are you going to let me stay home?”

  “For today, I think I am, but you know the rules. No leaving the house, no answering the door and I’ll be checking in as often as I can.”

  ~*~*~

  She wasn’t so accommodating for my last day. She woke me up early and we went through the motions of our daily routine, though I was definitely not feeling it as the majority of the time I was slumping along and wanting to just go back and hide under my covers. Not coming back out until all visions of Dillon Murphy were erased from my memory altogether.

  Going to class, seeing the seat beside me empty, it just made me want to turn around and run out, until I was as far away from the room and the school as possible.

  If I thought staying in class without him was going to be the worst of it, I’d been wrong. Sitting in the middle of the desk was a piece of paper and it didn’t take a brain surgeon to know who it was from.

  This is the beginning of something that no matter where we go from here, will never have an end.

  - D

  There were no more notes that day and no matter where I went in the school, even the locker room where I expected to at least catch a glimpse of him in passing while I hid out, he was nowhere to be found. I didn’t want to be let down by it but I was. With the way my mom talked to me the day before, making it seem that there wasn’t anything in the world that couldn’t be fixed, I hoped I would have gotten the chance to do it even though my feelings haven’t changed.

  I’m still wary of the reason for him changing. I don’t want that kind of pressure on either of us and no matter how badly I want to change the way I think so that we could work through this, I know it won’t happen.

  We’re no good for each other and it has nothing to do with him being a fighter and me being deaf. It’s the way we look at the world. For all of our similarities, there are things that we won’t ever see the same and they’re big enough that staying together knowing it would be wrong.

  So here I am now, after a weekend spent crying in my room, saying goodbye to something that never really had a chance to be anything, back at my own school and miles away from the school where the troubled boy that has my heart is. Where I should be focusing on my friends, my work and everything that comes with being back here, all I can think about is prom and all the plans that we never got around to making.

  Dillon’s wr
ong. What we saw as a beginning that day at the ravine, it wasn’t something with no end. It had a very clear end and the way things are now proves it. No matter how much I miss him, how I wish things were different, it has to be this way. We can never go back.

  This is our ending.

  Dillon

  It feels so fucking good to be back.

  Walking the halls and seeing people duck away, some of them even turning and running from me, it brings me an immeasurable amount of pleasure. This is where I belong.

  I might have gotten sidetracked for a while there, thinking I could be someone different, do better and be a person that would eventually mean something to the world, but not anymore. That craziness left the day that Cadence walked out of Wexfield and with her not planning to return, I didn’t have to worry about it coming back.

  The first thing I made sure to do the minute I got here this morning was search out Tim and the others and make amends. Kayden tried to stop me when he saw where I was headed, but just like I’m done with Cadence, I’m also done with him. He can go back to his stupid girlfriend and leave me alone. I don’t need him. I never did.

  Now that I’m square with my friends, we can get back to what’s really important. Today that means finding Eric and finally making him pay for what happened two weeks ago, and also for being the reason I’d gotten thrown into the class to begin with.

  I can’t wait to make that stupid little baby pay.

  “So, you and Ames; you back together yet?” Tim asks when I’ve finally escaped class and made my way into the hall.

  “No, not planning on it either. I’m sick of her shit.”

  “So you’re going stag to prom?”

  “Not going at all.”

  “Dude, you gotta go. Coach expects us all to be there. Solidarity and all that.”

  How could I forget that? He mentioned it during practice last week. With everything that happened at the last dance, he felt that for this one, we needed to show a united front, showing the world and Daniels that even though we hated each other, we were gonna do what was right for business. The only business I even give a damn about—football.

  The idea of getting dressed up like a monkey and parading around a dance with a bunch of people I can’t stand makes me sick, but there’s no way I’m going to go against what Coach wants. If it wasn’t for him, I would have been kicked off the team completely last fall and there’s no way I’m risking it again.

  “It’s all about the after party right? I’ll suffer through it as long as we’re planning on partying hard later.”

  I’ve actually got another fight coming up that night, but I’m not about to admit that to Tim. There’s only one person in the world besides me and my father that knows anything about my extracurricular activities and with her gone, it’s gone back to being buried down deep again.

  Maybe the after party will be worth it after all. I’m pretty sure after the fight I’m gonna need to get good and wasted and maybe if I get drunk enough, I can find a girl willing enough to help me banish Cadence and her stupid voice from my brain once and for all.

  “Well, I asked Eve to go with me, so if you wanna ride with, you’re more than welcome.”

  “No thanks, man. You’ve been talking about getting into her pants for a while now. Wouldn’t wanna be a buzzkill.”

  Tim stops and following where he’s now pointing, I see why. Standing at the end of the hall is the very person we’ve been looking for. He wasn’t in class this morning so I was beginning to think he wasn’t gonna show today, but now that I see him, my day is looking up considerably.

  It’s time to get a little payback.

  “It’s about time, I’ve been waiting to smash that little punk all week.” Tim says and I grin. He’s not the only one. I might have gotten sidetracked for a while, but I’m definitely back on track now. No more distractions for me. It’s time to get back to doing what I do best.

  Time to bring another stupid moron to his knees.

  “You go that way and corner him. When he tries to run, which we both know he will, I’ll come from around the other side. Got it?”

  “Yeah man, let’s do this shit.”

  Watching as Tim takes off down the hall exactly the way I told him, I veer off down the opposite hall in order to make my way around. Picking up speed until I’m jogging, I don’t stop until I turn and see Eric boxed in against the lockers and Tim hovering over him. It reminds me of the way things went the first time we picked on him, Kayden choosing him in an effort to get Isabelle’s attention.

  He’s wearing the same frightened expression and the sight of it, where before would have made me happy, actually turns my stomach. As much as I want this, want to pound on this kid for all the shit he’d brought down on me just by breathing the same air as me when he shouldn’t be, the look on his face, it stops me cold.

  This is the guy that Cadence got hurt over, the person she cares about. If I go at him right now, it will hurt her when she finds out. There’s something about the idea of her hurting in any way, despite her walking away and ignoring the hell out of me that doesn’t sit right with me.

  I can’t hurt her, even if hurting this kid is exactly what will make me feel better right now. Shit. The girl isn’t even here anymore and she’s still reaching out and bringing me down.

  I’ve never wanted to hate someone so much in my life.

  Shaking off the thought of the brown eyed girl I can’t seem to get out of my head, I move forward until I’m standing directly in front of Eric. When he looks up, his eyes blinking rapidly and the sweat from the fear he feels pooling at the top of his hairline, I smile. All thoughts of the girl that left me behind are gone and all that’s left is the same old rage that’s been there from the start.

  I’m definitely going to enjoy this.

  At least that’s how it is until I land the first punch into his stomach, his body bending with the impact, Tim hitting him with another three in quick succession, bringing the kid to the floor.

  The way his hands go to his face in an attempt to block whatever we’re about to do next, it stops me from going any further. Right now he looks the way Cadence did the first day when Amy threw her to the floor. A way I never want to see again. Watching Eric, the way he’s crumpled on the floor, I should feel great, having done what I set out to do but that’s not what’s going on at all.

  It’s not Eric that I’m allowing Tim to beat on anymore. It’s not him I just leveled with the punch.

  It’s her.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Cadence

  The first thing I notice when I turn off the sidewalk into my driveway is that there’s someone sitting on my front step. My heart betraying me like always, skips a beat seeing the form, but moving closer, I see that it’s not who I thought and the skip is replaced by nothingness.

  Where my heart wanted to believe for a second that the person sitting so comfortably on the step was Dillon, it’s not, but it is someone he goes to school with and also the last person I expect to see sitting here. It’s not shocking that it’s him, but considering that he’s never been here before or even interacted with me outside of school, it’s definitely unexpected.

  Eric Carmen, leaning against the bottom step, his head facing up toward the sky, looking so comfortable it looks like he belongs there.

  “Eric?”

  Lifting his hand, he waves and despite the emptiness I’ve been feeling all day, I smile in response. It looks like my plan of heading inside, going to my room and hiding under my covers is shot to hell.

  What are you doing here? I sign and he wastes no time coming back with an answer.

  “Got bored waiting for my mom to come home, decided to take the bus and come visit.”

  Does she know you’re here?

  “Yeah, of course. She’d kill me if I didn’t let her know.”

  The way his lips part and his body shakes, I can tell he’s laughing so pasting on the best happy smile I can, I laugh with him though it
pains me to do it. I don’t want to fake anything and especially not with Eric.

  Well come in. Mom had to stay late for some meeting so I’m on my own for dinner.

  “Not anymore you aren’t.” he says and smiles before I turn and he follows me into the house.

  I’m not sure I believe his reason for being here. There’s something about it that just doesn’t seem right. I’m pretty sure there’s a million other places that he could have gone if he was bored being home alone, ones much closer. Coming all this way on the bus, it just seems like a total waste of money.

  It’s that thinking that makes me turn on him the minute we’re both in the kitchen and I’ve passed him a soda from the fridge. Leveling him with a look that I hope says that I want the truth, I get right to the point.

  Why are you really here?

  “I told you…”

  No, what you told me is a lie. Why are you really here?

  His eyes fall away until they’re resting on the table in front of him, his lips completely out of my view. Just as I’m about to ask him to lift his head so I’ll be able to see his answer, he lifts his hands and starts signing. It’s messy and I’m not entirely sure what he’s saying is actually what he means to say, but I get the basic gist.

  You wanted to talk to me about something?

  “Ask you something.” He signs again, this time getting the words right.

  Why didn’t you just tell me that before?

  He signs his response again, this time shaking his hands nervously.

  Whatever he’s got to ask me makes him nervous enough that he’s willing to lie about it. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m the last one he should feel the need to lie to.

  He signs again and though I get the point, for the first time since the bathroom with Dillon, I want to rely more on speaking then I do signing.

  “Can you look up?”

  He does as I ask and repeats the words he signed to me, letting me know that he’s nervous because he’s never done what he’s about to do before.

  “What do you want to ask me?”