To Be Your Last

by Rae Kennedy

  “Lost. Confused. I had no fucking idea what I was going to do with my life and I was scared.”

  He lays two soft kisses to my tattoo, his nose brushing the underside of my breast as he does.

  “And how do you feel about your life now?” he asks.

  “Hmm. Well, I still have no fucking clue what I’m doing. But I’m not scared anymore.”

  He gives me a sleepy smile. “Good.”

  I look into his eyes, asking the question I don’t want to voice. Pleading for him to answer. What are we doing here? Is this just tonight? Are we together? Am I just going to be a booty call when you’re in town? What are we?

  But he doesn’t say anything and neither do I.

  CHAPTER 28

  Colin is still wrapped around me when I wake up, his limbs heavy, holding me close. The room is quiet. The light from the windows is hazy.

  I listen to him softly intake breath for several minutes before wiggling around in his arms so I can turn and look at him. He looks peaceful when he’s asleep. Younger. His skin is smooth. His lips are barely parted, full and soft. I want to kiss them, bite them, lick them, kiss them again.

  I lean in to him to kiss those pretty lips, at the same time I feel his morning wood press into my stomach. I rub against it as I kiss him, finally sneaking my hand between our bodies to grasp it fully. I stroke him and he grows harder in my hand. He groans quietly in his sleep, his hips rocking, his cock rutting into my hand instinctively.

  Then his fingers wrap around the base of my neck, tangling in my hair, and he’s kissing me back.

  “Morning,” he whispers against my lips.

  “Morning,” I say, squeezing his erection, tugging it harder.

  He opens his eyes and watches as I move, kissing down his chest. His stomach flexes as I kiss farther down, and he’s at full mast when I take his cock full in my mouth.

  “Fuck.” he says through gritted teeth.

  He combs his fingers through my hair as I bob up and down on him. I lock my eyes with his as he starts pumping into my mouth.

  “Do you... Do you want me to come like this?” he asks in a husky voice.

  I shake my head no. I take two more long, cheek-hollowing pulls before letting it fall out of my mouth and crawling back up his body.

  “I could wake up like this every morning,” he says with a smile before kissing my lips.

  “Oh, yeah?” I smile but it falls quickly. We don’t have every morning to do this. Just this one.

  “What’s the matter?” He touches my cheek, rubbing it with his thumb.

  “When do you have to leave?”

  His face softens. “I already missed my flight.”

  “What!” I glance at the clock. It’s a little after nine already. “I wasn’t trying to—”

  “Shh. Gray, I made the decision to turn off my alarm last night. I wanted more time with you.”

  “But—aren’t you going to be in trouble?”

  He shrugs. “I’ll get a later flight. I'm going to miss some press stuff and Rick is probably going to kill me, but I don’t care right now.”

  “So...we have a little more time?”

  “A little? We have all the time.”

  I lean into his touch. “But you still have to leave. Your first show’s tomorrow night.”

  He pulls my face down to his and kisses the tip of my nose. “I booked a flight for later tonight. I got a second ticket, too. Just in case.”

  “In case?”

  “In case you want to come with me.”

  My eyes shoot open. “On tour?”

  He nods. “I want you with me. You said you don’t have a place to live right now and your classes are all online. You’ll have plenty of downtime for schoolwork.”

  My heart pounds wildly at the thought. Go with him. “You’re serious?”

  “Yes. Come with me.”

  Go with him.

  “I’d need a reliable internet connection for school.”

  “Done.”

  “And my sister is due in August. I need to go home when the baby comes.”

  “We can make that happen.”

  Go with him. He’s your new adventure.

  I feel the urge to say yes, but something is holding me back.

  “Um.” This is all happening so fast. “Can I think about it? It’s kind of a big decision. It’d mean quitting my job and uprooting my life. I mean, this tour is the better part of a year.”

  “You’re right. Of course you can think about it. Take as long as you need. I’ll buy you a ticket to whatever city we’re in.”

  “Okay.”

  He takes my hand, interlacing his fingers with mine. “I still have to leave tonight, though.” He kisses my knuckles. “I was kind of hoping you’d be there to hold my hand. Thought it might make the flight more tolerable.”

  We spend the rest of the morning and afternoon before I have to go to work in the fancy bathrobes. We order room service and eat in bed. We make love. He lays his head in my lap as he reads my poems and sings me new songs as I stroke his hair. And we do everything we can to not think about saying goodbye.

  * * *

  “What are you doing here?” I hiss as I walk around the bar so I can keep my voice low and usher him to a corner.

  Ethan crosses his arms. “You were ignoring all my calls and texts so this is apparently what I have to do to talk to you.”

  “Ethan, I don’t have anything more to say to you, we’re over. And I definitely don’t want to do this here. I’m at work.”

  He takes both my hands in his, leaning in, his eyes pleading. “Will you just come home and talk to me after you get off?”

  I’m sad for him. Sad that he just doesn’t get it. Sad that I didn’t end this much, much earlier.

  I stare at him, unblinking. “Why would I want to talk to you when you obviously aren’t listening to anything I say?” I huff in exasperation and that’s when I see him over Ethan’s shoulder.

  Colin is standing by the front doors with his hat pulled low, shading his face, long sleeves covering his arms. Our eyes meet.

  Shit.

  I yank my hands away from Ethan—because that doesn’t look suspicious at all—and Colin walks slowly toward us.

  “What’s going on here?” Colin asks, his expression eerily calm.

  “Leave us alone, dude. I’m having a private discussion with my girlfriend.”

  Colin’s eyebrows shoot up and he looks at me, his eyes asking a silent question.

  I snap at Ethan, “Ex-girlfriend.” I look back to Colin, my voice quiet but steady. “Ex-girlfriend.”

  Colin’s expression stays the same yet, inexplicably, I can sense the change. Something about his eyes. He comes to my side and wraps his arm around my waist, holding me securely against him.

  “What the fuck, Grace?” Ethan looks at me, his face scrunched up, nostrils flaring. “Who the hell is this?”

  Colin doesn’t miss a beat. “I’m with her.”

  “Are you kidding me right now? We’ve been apart for a week and you’re already hooking up with someone else? How long has this been going on? We’re you sneaking around with him behind my back while we were together?”

  Colin curls his hand around my hip with a reassuring squeeze.

  “Goodbye, Ethan.”

  He glares at me, face flushed, jaw clenched. Colin pulls me in tighter. Finally, with white fists at his sides, Ethan turns and leaves without another word.

  Watching him walk out the door, I feel an overwhelming sense of relief, like a weight has been lifted off my chest and I can finally close this chapter of my life.

  I turn to look up at Colin. “Hey.”

  “Hey.” He quirks a lopsided grin at me.

  I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of Colin Wolfe smiling at me.

  “Shouldn’t you be on your way to the airport?”

  “Yeah.” He wraps his other arm around me and leans in closer.

  I glance toward the back, hoping Terry doe
sn’t choose this moment to walk out.

  “I needed to see you again. I don’t know how I’ll be able to leave without knowing when we’ll be together next.”

  “I know. I wish I had an answer for you. But it’s not an easy decision for me. The last time I ran away with you, it was a rushed decision. And...you broke my heart.”

  He looks down at me, his emotions—his own heartbreak—pouring out of his eyes. “That’s the last thing I wanted to do.”

  “I just have to think it through. It’s like, fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me, you know?”

  He furrows his brow. “Fool you?”

  “I don’t think you were trying to fool me, but you were good at pretending. I still don’t really know when the pretending stopped and the feelings began. It makes it hard to trust our relationship or know exactly where we stand when I don’t know what parts were real and what was fake.”

  “Pretend? Gray—” He comes even closer, cupping my face. “I’ve never pretended with you. Ever. Not two days ago, not two years ago. Every moment between us, every touch, every kiss—”

  He lightly brushes my arm and I melt at his words while staring helplessly at his parted lips.

  “I only ever did those things because I wanted to. Because I wanted you. Desperately. Because I’m so fucking in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for two years. You were in my head every day.”

  “You’re in love with me?”

  “Of course I am.”

  My heart is thumping so loudly in my ears it overwhelms my senses.

  He’s in love with me? He’s in love. With me.

  “So everything between us, it was real for you too?”

  “All of it. Always.”

  It’s like the air has been sucked from my lungs. I have no breath. No voice. And even if I did, I have no words. I stare at him dumbly, unable to put together any coherent thoughts. I'm not even sure if I’ve fully comprehended what he’s saying.

  “I have to go.” His words pull me out of my stupor.

  “Right. The airport.”

  “Yeah.” He lets out a shaky breath and rubs the back of his neck and I notice a slight tremor in his hand.

  “Anxious?”

  He nods. “The usual flying nerves.” He gives me a weak smile and all I want to do is hug him, comfort him.

  I throw my arms around him and he tugs me in tight. Tighter. The embrace is all-encompassing. Desperate. I turn my head upward and his lips find mine. He kisses me hard and it feels like I haven’t kissed him in years instead of hours. I savor this moment. His arms wrapped around me. His soft lips pressing against me. His sweet scent. How I can feel his heart beating in pace with mine.

  When he breaks the kiss, he looks as frantic as I feel. “I really have to go now.”

  I nod and try to smile through the ache in my chest. “Bye.”

  He touches my cheek, wiping a tear away with his thumb before I even realize it had fallen. “Bye, Gray.”

  He presses one last kiss to my forehead then walks away.

  And he's gone.

  It feels like some part of me has splintered and is now being torn and ripped from my body. Another tear falls and I wipe it away quickly. As I turn around patrons are trickling in faster. Soon the dining room will be filled with the dinner rush.

  When I look to the bar, Mila is there. Her eyes are wide and locked on me.

  “Girl. Why are you still standing here? Go!”

  CHAPTER 29

  I knock on Terry’s ajar office door.

  “Come in.” He looks up from some papers as I walk in.

  “How can I help you, Gracie?”

  I’m not sure what to say. I’ve never quit a job before. Should I just rip it off like a Band-Aid? Do I thank him for giving me a job two years ago when I had no experience? Do I just start crying? So many options.

  “Um. I need to talk to you.”

  “Okay.” He waits for me, his gray eyes patient.

  “Have you ever done something crazy? Something that’s maybe a little reckless but you just felt like you had to do it?”

  He tilts his head. “Something crazy...like?”

  “Like running away to follow a band on tour?” I laugh nervously.

  Terry takes his glasses off, sets them on the desk and sits back in his chair. A wistful little smile crosses his face. “Iron Maiden. Nineteen eighty-three. The World Piece Tour.”

  We share a look. A moment of understanding.

  “There’s a plane I need to catch. Like, right now. And I don’t know if I’ll be back.”

  “Sounds like you better get going then.”

  * * *

  “No, no, no!” I slap the steering wheel as I frantically turn the key in the ignition again. The engine whines and stutters but doesn’t roll over. “Not now. Not now, please.”

  I throw my head back against the seat and take a deep breath. I glance at my phone. The flight leaves in two hours. I still have enough time. Maybe. Hopefully.

  By this point, my fingers are wobbly as I try to start the stupid Jeep one more time. It sputters again, then cranks louder, then finally, blissfully, the engine roars to life and I scream.

  I pull into traffic, my heart beating wildly.

  I’m immediately stopped at a red light. Come on. I just need to get to him.

  One hour fifty-five minutes.

  I’m at another red light that turns green right away but there are still pedestrians in the street. And they’re just walking all nonchalantly, not even trying to hustle. I want to yell at them. I honk.

  One hour thirty-seven minutes.

  I finally get onto I-90. The truck in front of me is going so slow. Almost ten under the speed limit and I can’t get over because the lane next to me is packed.

  I throw on my blinker and hope for the best. I’m white-knuckling it down the interstate and it still takes forever to get to the exit for O’Hare.

  One hour twelve minutes.

  There’s nowhere to park. I go to the next lot. I park so fucking far away I have to take a shuttle to get to departures.

  Fifty-three minutes.

  There are lines everywhere. People everywhere.

  I have to stand in line at one of the kiosks to print off my boarding pass. Luckily, an older woman notices me fidgeting—I also might be mumbling to myself aloud—and she lets me go ahead of her.

  Thirty-nine minutes.

  I jog toward security, fumbling to get out my ID. My only saving grace is that I have no luggage. I literally have nothing besides the clothes on my back—the same little black dress I’ve worn to work the last two days, my phone, and my purse. Not even a toothbrush.

  The heavy-set TSA agent whistles when he checks my ticket. “Did you bring your running shoes?”

  I try to muster up a laugh but it comes out as more of a high-pitched whimper.

  I am coming out of my skin as I wait in line. My entire body is vibrating with adrenaline. At each agonizingly small step forward, I check the time.

  Twenty-eight minutes.

  They’ve already started boarding the plane by now. Our tickets are first-class—because, of course they are—so he’s probably already on the plane. He’s already on the plane.

  There are so many people in front of me.

  I finally make it to the metal detectors.

  Fourteen minutes.

  I throw my purse and shoes into the bin. My skin is buzzing as I go through the detector and I literally hop from foot to foot as I wait for my stuff to come through the other side.

  For some reason, my hands won’t fucking work and it takes three tries to get my left shoe back on.

  Eleven minutes.

  I sprint through the terminal toward the concourse.

  Seven minutes.

  As I look around for my gate, a pleasant feminine voice comes over the speakers announcing the final boarding call for my flight, direct from Chicago to Los Angeles.

  I run to the gate, flailing my
arms just as one of the agents is starting to close the door.

  “Wait! I’m here.” I’m completely out of breath.

  The agent with his hand on the door handle pauses and looks at me as though he’s contemplating whether or not to just shut the door anyway but the other agent sticks out her hand. I give her my pass with a hurried, “Thanks,” and then I’m walking through the tunnel to the plane.

  I can’t believe I made it.

  Two flight attendants wave me on and shut the door behind me as soon as I’m through and onto the plane.

  CHAPTER 30

  Our seats are in the second row and as I step forward, he’s there. He’s sitting by the window with his head leaned to the side, one tattooed hand over his eyes while the other is resting on his knee, which is bouncing rapidly up and down.

  I go silently to him and wrap my hand around the hand on his knee. He startles and jerks his hand away as he sits up. And then we’re face-to-face and everything is right again.

  “Gray. You’re here.”

  “I’m here.”

  He smiles and I smile and I might also be crying again, I can’t tell anymore.

  “I love you,” I say.

  “God, I love you so much.” He pulls me in, his fingers in my hair, and kisses me passionately. Our tongues mingle and taste and his happy sighs sound like he’s humming a beautiful song.

  I’m about to shamelessly climb onto his lap when a throat clears behind us.

  I turn toward the flight attendant who, in an exceptionally cheerful voice, tells us the fasten seatbelts sign is on. Then she stands there with a saccharine smile on her face and doesn’t move on until we are both seated and seatbelts latched.

  Colin squeezes my hand and I squeeze his right back. I don’t let go of his hand the entire four-and-half-hour flight.

  * * *

  We are all over each other as we stumble into Colin’s hotel room. We only break our kiss when he takes his shirt off. Then his lips are back on mine as he pulls down the straps of my dress, exposing my breasts and ripping a side seam in the process. I’m going to need to buy some clothes tomorrow. I blindly grasp for his jeans and fumble with his belt before yanking his zipper open.

  We giggle as we trip over the clothes bunched around our ankles and kick them off before falling to the bed.