Holding On

by Rachael Brownell

  “What are you doing tonight because—”

  I cut him off before he could ask any other questions. “I have a double date, and I need to go get ready. Can we please talk about this some other time? I don’t even really see why we are talking about it at all. You have a girlfriend, and I am dating, so there really isn’t much to talk about now after all.”

  Wow! I can really be mean when I want to be. Since when did I grow a pair? I knew that he was no good for me, that I didn’t want to be with someone who was a cheater, but still my body was defying me and reacting to him.

  “I guess you’re right. Enjoy your date,” he said. He was out the door before I could reply, and for that I was thankful. I was standing behind the desk with my mouth open in shock. I was shocked by not only his reaction but also how I acted. Crap! I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feeling, but I needed to protect my own first.

  I pulled up to the address that Natalie had texted me earlier that night, with the radio blasting and Jill and I singing at the top of our lungs. We both sounded awful, but the music was almost loud enough that we couldn’t hear our own voices. Almost.

  After I turned the car off, I sent Natalie a quick text to let her know we were there and to meet us out front. There was a bit of a chill in the air that I could feel, but I only had on a sweater—a very low-cut sweater—and jeans. I had left my jacket at home, knowing that it would be incredibly hot inside the house. I wrapped my arms tightly around my chest as we walked toward the massive front doors.

  As we were opening the door, I could see Natalie rushing toward us, two pretty hot guys following behind her. She almost knocked us over with a group hug when she got to us. I could smell the faint scent of something sweet mixed with alcohol on her breath. I had to roll my eyes. I knew that I wasn’t going to be drinking that much tonight, but I was not going to look down on my friends for enjoying themselves. Plus, I have a feeling she would need a little “liquid courage” when she’d run into her ex.

  Natalie weighed only a little over a hundred pounds but didn’t look like she was sickly. She was taller than my average 5’5” by a couple inches but perfectly tan and perfectly toned. I remember her telling me that she planned to run track this spring. She had almost every inch of her well-toned body on display tonight in the not-so-modest strapless dress she was wearing. I thought that I was cold outside. She must have been freezing.

  She pulled away and introduced both of us to Ben and her date, Morgan. I didn’t know whether to shake their hands or give them a hug, so I just gave a smile and a small wave. I think Ben knew how uncomfortable I was because he came over and took my hand. I let him intertwine our fingers, and he gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught both Jill and Natalie grinning at me. “Let’s get you something to drink,” he whispered in my ear, and he pulled me away from my friends.

  “Sure,” I replied. I had only been to a handful of parties where there had been alcohol readily available, and this one seemed like there would be more than enough alcohol for the entire high school if they were to show up. I was not going to be getting drunk since I drove, so I opted for a beer and planned to take small sips throughout the night.

  As we walked back to where we left Natalie, Morgan, and Jill, I started to look around the house. It was very large and very beautiful. It was also packed to the brim with people that I didn’t know. If Ben let go of my hand, I would be lost in a heartbeat, surrounded by sweaty bodies. I was completely out of my comfort zone.

  We found our friends and started to move through the house as a group. Natalie led us through a hallway and then another and finally downstairs. I forgot she had probably been here before. As we rounded the corner at the bottom of the stairs, I realized that there were even more people down here. We found a small corner to talk and stayed there most of the night.

  I was actually having a good time, and I was afraid to leave the circle, even though I had to go to the bathroom. Finally, after holding it longer than I thought was possible, I let go of Ben’s hand and asked him to hold my beer. Natalie gave me directions to the closest bathroom; of course, there was going to be more than one in a house this size, and I dashed away.

  The first bathroom was locked, and the people in it were not using it for the same reason I needed to if the moaning sounds were correct. I dashed up the stairs and started looking around for another option. There was a line for the next bathroom I found, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to hold it. There had to be one more with at least a smaller line of people. I dashed up the staircase in the main hallway and hoped that I would be able to find just one more bathroom. Thankfully, I did, and I sat down just as my bladder was about to explode.

  As I washed my hands, I took in the beauty of the bathroom. Natalie’s ex definitely came from money. Even the bathroom was decorated nicer than my entire house. It was almost as big as the smallest room in our house, and that room never felt so small until tonight.

  I reluctantly dried my hands on the plush towels since they were the only ones available. I felt so bad about using such a nice towel to dry my hands that I spent the next several minutes trying to refold it just like the one next to it so that it didn’t look disturbed. I checked my makeup, and then just as I was about to open the door to leave, it opened, and I screamed, jumped, and covered my eyes all at the same time.

  “What are you doing in here?”

  Crap! That voice was too familiar. Why was he here?

  “I’m sorry. I just needed to use the bathroom, and all the others I found were occupied. What do you care anyway?” I was defensive. Had he followed me up here? I thought I was clear earlier. He seemed to get the message, or so I thought.

  He took a step closer to me, and I could see his eyes perfectly clear in the bathroom lighting. He was in control of his body (and mine a little if I was being honest), so I knew he probably hadn’t had much to drink. He took another step closer, and as I tried to take a step back, I realized that I was already flushed against the glass shower doors. I was trapped in more ways than one. Before I knew it, his hands were on my waist and he was leaning his forehead against mine. Crap! How do I keep putting myself in these situations with him? He always seemed to have the upper hand when it comes to things like this.

  “Where’s your date?” It sounded like he was growling. Was he a little jealous? Maybe he was not as okay as he seemed this afternoon.

  “He’s downstairs in the basement with the rest of my friends. I should probably get back down there. I’ve been gone a while, so they might be trying to find me. I don’t want to worry them since I am driving one of the cars.” I was rambling on about insignificant stuff, and I knew it. I had probably only been gone for ten minutes, and no one probably even noticed. I had to distract him and myself. I pulled away and sat on the toilet. “So are you stalking me, or were you just looking for an open bathroom too?”

  He cocked his head to the right and smiled. His smile reached his eyes, and I was caught in a trance for a minute. He said something, but I didn’t hear him. I couldn’t help but stare. His shirt was tight across his chest, and I could see his piercing. His sleeves were shorter than normal, and I could see a tattoo peeking out from underneath one. I had never noticed it before. Was it new? I reached up to touch it but pulled away quickly, realizing what I was about to do just in time.

  “Becca, did you hear a word I just said?”

  “No, sorry. I kind of spaced out for a minute.” I knew I was blushing because I could feel the heat from my cheeks. “What did you say?”

  “I said I was looking for you. I saw you come in with Natalie earlier, and then you disappeared. I saw you come in here when I was coming out of my bedroom, and I was waiting for you. What were you doing in here forever?”

  His words didn’t register right away, but when they did, it felt like my jaw hit the floor in shock.

  “You live here?” I was screaming out of shock, I think, but no matter what, I was definitely screaming.
/>
  “You didn’t know?” His eyes were wide with shock.

  I got up and walked past him, and this time, he didn’t try to stop me. He let me go because he was just as shocked as I was. I had kissed Natalie’s ex-boyfriend while they were on a “break,” and now they weren’t together. Crap! I thought the drama was over.

  Chapter Eight

  I sent Natalie a quick text saying that I wasn’t feeling well and was leaving. I got in my car and threw it in Reverse as I noticed a tall dark figure standing on the front porch staring at me. I should have known that he would be watching me. I should have known that he would follow me, that he would come after me. I almost felt bad that he couldn’t enjoy his party because of me.

  As I pulled onto his street, my phone alerted me to a new text. I didn’t know the number, so I ignored it and turned up the music. I knew it wasn’t Ethan or Natalie, but it was a local area code. I drove toward my house with the music blasting as loud as it had been earlier, but I wasn’t singing this time. I didn’t even hear the music as I was so lost in thought.

  I wondered if Natalie knew. Was the whole party a setup? Did she want to torture me because I had gone out with him once? If I had known then what I knew now, I would have stayed far away from him. I would have hidden my feelings from everyone, even myself. I would never try to break up anyone’s relationship, and I didn’t want to break up one of my only friendships. Crap!

  This situation was feeling all-too-familiar. Brad and Ethan seemed to be the same person only in different locations. Why was this happening again? Why was my life getting so complicated? All I wanted was to be a normal teenage girl, without all the excess drama.

  It’s all Brads fault. Damn him for putting me in the middle of his relationship. I didn’t want to be the reason he broke up with Claire, even if it was the truth. I wanted to be with him, but like always, I was fighting those feelings every day to avoid hurting him even more in the end. And then there’s frickin’ Ethan. He knew that I was becoming friends with Natalie. Why didn’t he say anything? Did he assume I would put it all together on my own? I wasn’t even living here when they broke up or took a break or whatever.

  I pulled myself out of my head, out of my thoughts, and focused back on the road. I only had about half a beer, but I knew that if I was caught for anything, I would be in big trouble since I was underage. My body felt nothing but rage at the moment, and the alcohol was actually the least of my concerns.

  As I pulled into my driveway and turned down the music, I realized that I was going to be home alone. It was only nine thirty, and it looked like I would be spending another Friday night at home with homework, which was fine, compared to what I had been doing thirty minutes ago. Hopefully, it would be enough to distract me from what I was feeling.

  I grabbed my purse and my cell, which was lit up from another text and headed inside. I went straight up to my room and plopped on my bed. I opened my cell to see that I had six new texts.

  Ben: Call me when u get home. Ben

  How did he get my number?

  Natalie: Are you all right? what happened?

  Natalie sent me that after Ben? Did she already know what had happened? Does she know about my “relationship” with Ethan?

  Ethan: I’m sorry.

  I was tempted to text him back, but I didn’t have any words to reply to him. I understood that he was sorry, that he now realizes that I had no idea that he and Natalie had been dating but…

  Brad: Hey, just wanted to see what u were up to. call me.

  Okay, now I had to deal with Brad on top of everything else. This night was getting better and better. Why is it when it rains it pours? Can’t I catch a break, even a small one?

  Ben: Are you home yet? Ben

  It was funny that he signed his name again assuming that I wouldn’t store his number in my phone. Kind of cute actually. No expectations. The last thing I needed right now was to turn this triangle I was caught in into a square.

  Ethan: I need you to call me NOW!

  What the hell? I was not going to call him. I didn’t want to speak to him. If I had wanted to continue our conversation, I would have done so in the bathroom. Who did he think he was? Demanding that I call him was not the best way to get me to call. How about asking me nicely? I was angry, and I realized it was all because of him.

  I sent out a quick text to Ben to let him know I was home and that I had a nice time with him. I told him I would call him tomorrow if I was feeling better. I got a reply instantly, asking if I wanted to go to lunch on Sunday. I told him yes and that I would call him tomorrow.

  I tossed my phone on the bed and stared at it for a minute, deciding whether or not I should call Ethan. I was angry enough to give him a piece of my mind but almost to the point that I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get my point across clearly. I was almost beyond angry at this point. I think it had more to do with the fact that now that I knew I couldn’t have him, that I wouldn’t let myself have him. I was disappointed in a way.

  I snagged my phone and turned it off. I would deal with it in the morning. It was close to ten, and at that point, I just wanted to go to bed. I needed to clear my head, and talking was not going to be the way to get that done. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep, so after I changed into some pajamas, I went downstairs and popped in my favorite movie of all times, My Best Friend’s Wedding. How ironic in a totally screwed up kind of way.

  I was just about to hit Play when I heard a faint knock at the door. I wasn’t expecting anyone. I walked over to the window and pulled back the shade just a bit so I could see on the front porch. Crap! Why was he here? Oh yeah, I never called him back. Crap!

  I didn’t want to let him in, but I knew he would just continue to knock since he knew I was home. As I turned the knob, my hands started to shake a little and my heart began to race. I was a little scared, but more than anything, I was nervous. I was angry at him. I was angry at myself. I was angry that I was in this position at all. I just wanted the drama to end.

  “What are you doing here?” This was how I greeted him. You could hear the irritation and anger in my voice loud and clear. “We need to talk, and you turned your phone off.”

  “It died.”

  “No, it didn’t. I know you turned it off to try avoiding me, but it’s not going to work. So are you going to invite me in, or are you going to come out here?”

  “Neither. I am going to watch a movie and go to bed. You need to go back to your party—wait, what about your party? Aren’t you supposed to be hosting? Who’s watching your house?” All of the anger left my voice, and my concern snuck in. Crap! Why did I have to care so much about him?

  “You say that a lot you know, and I don’t think you even realize it.” When I looked up, he was smiling at me. I was thinking out loud again, and I really needed to stop doing that if I ever wanted to have a private thought again.

  “Look, you need to get back to your party, and I am getting cold, so I will see you later.” I attempted to close the door, but he stopped it with his foot. I opened it back up and put my hand on my hip, trying my best to scream at him with just one look.

  “I closed the party down, and I am not leaving here until we talk. I have all night to wait, but I would much rather do it inside where it’s warmer since I didn’t bring a jacket in my mad rush to get here.”

  Mad rush? He closed down his party so he could come talk to me?

  I glanced over at the clock to see that it wasn’t even ten thirty yet, and I knew that his actions would be the talk of the school Monday morning. Great! Now there was even more drama that I was partially the cause of. I felt bad for causing him so much trouble, and it was chilly outside. I stepped aside and motioned him in. After I closed the door, I walked over and plopped on the couch without even looking at him.

  A few minutes later, he was sitting next to me in a comfortable silence, watching the movie. I yawned a couple of times about partway through, and before I knew it, I was cuddled against his chest a
nd failing at not falling asleep.

  I woke up the next morning still on the couch, still cuddled in Ethan’s arms. We were lying side by side, and our legs were intertwined. I could feel his even breathing and his heartbeat, my hand resting on his chest. I tried to lie still, but my bladder was full, and I needed to get up. Slowly I began to untangle myself and crawl off the couch without waking him. I wondered where my mom was when I heard her humming in the kitchen. She was making breakfast. She must have seen us on the couch last night, but she didn’t wake me up or kick him out. It was probably because we were both completely dressed.

  When I walked out of the bathroom, I heard Ethan and my mom talking. So much for not waking him up. When I entered the kitchen, his back was to me, and he was blowing on his coffee. I walked past him and helped myself to a cup without saying a word to him. I think my mom felt the uncomfortable silence and excused herself, asking me to flip the pancakes when they were ready.

  “So… sorry I passed out on you last night.” I was trying to make light conversation.

  “It’s fine. I fell asleep a little after you did. It was easy with you wrapped in my arms.”

  I looked up to see him smiling from ear to ear, dimple winking at me, and I could feel the blush creeping up my neck and heating my cheeks. It was incredibly hard to stay mad at him when he was so damn cute. I had to turn around to keep myself from smiling like an idiot at his comment. I flipped the pancakes and pretended to stir the batter.