Holding On

by Rachael Brownell

  Before things could even begin to progress, I heard my dad clear his throat and looked up to see him standing in the doorway, watching us. I could feel the heat creeping up my cheeks and had to look away. Ethan quickly kissed my forehead and pulled the covers back to show my dad that we were both fully dressed.

  After another amazing shower and a quick breakfast, Ethan and I headed back up to the hospital. I had spoken with my mom that morning to let her know he was awake. She was thrilled but wanted to know when she should book my ticket home. I hadn’t even thought about it. I knew that I had missed my first few days of college classes and that I missed practice. I would start school on Tuesday, so I needed to head back before then. What about Ethan? He was missing class right now.

  After hanging up with my mom, deciding that I would catch a flight home on Sunday, I turned to Ethan and asked him about school. The last thing I wanted to do was put his scholarship in jeopardy.

  “I talked to all my professors Monday and explained the situation. I talked to yours too and our coaches. We are excused for this week. Everyone expects us to be back on Tuesday. My flight leaves Sunday morning. Your mom will probably try to get you on my flight. She knows which one it is.”

  I was taking in everything he was saying. He took care of it. Without being asked, he took care of everything for me. Then he flew out here to be with me. I didn’t even know that I needed him until he was here, but he knew that I would need him.

  “Thank you” just didn’t seem like enough. “I love you so much. You know that, right?”

  “Of course. I love you too, gorgeous.”

  We drove the rest of the way to the hospital in silence, aside from me giving him directions when he needed them. Walking out of the elevator, I could see that some of our friends had gathered in the waiting room to see Brad. I was not planning on waiting, though.

  I gave them a smile and a wave and headed straight down the hall, past the nurses’ station, and into his room. Emma and Ella were inside when we got there, and both their mouths dropped open when they saw Ethan standing beside me. I had talked about him to Ella, but I had never really explained how incredibly sexy he was. Gorgeous, yes, but I never really mentioned his sex appeal. That was something I wanted to keep to myself.

  He was eye candy, and he knew it. The looks he got on a regular basis never seemed to shock him. I wasn’t usually a possessive person, but when I felt the need to remind people he was with someone, I would always find a way to touch him. I didn’t feel that need now as two of my best friends ogled him for a brief moment before collecting themselves. I gave Brad a big hug and then introduced Ethan to Emma and Ella.

  They managed to shake his hand and say hello without drooling on him. I knew they were embarrassed when they wouldn’t look at me and said good-bye before quickly exiting the room, leaving just me, Ethan, and Brad in awkward silence.

  Ethan said hello and pulled Brad into a man hug, breaking the lingering silence between the three of us. I sat down on the bed next to him, and Ethan pulled a chair up beside me, resting his hand on my thigh. Who was being possessive now?

  “I missed you last night.” He turned his attention from me to Ethan and asked, “Couldn’t wake her up, could you?”

  They both laughed, and I smacked them each in the chest, Brad lighter than Ethan. “She was dead to the world. I even checked for a pulse.” As soon as he stopped speaking, he knew the words he had chosen were wrong. “Sorry, man, I didn’t mean it like that. I just—”

  “Its fine,” Brad interrupted. “She has always slept like the dead when she’s overdoing it. I know you didn’t mean anything by it.”

  “I really didn’t, man.” He paused for a second before he whispered, “I’m glad you’re okay.”

  “Me too. Who else is going to make sure you take care of her? If I didn’t threaten to kick your ass every now and then, I would feel like I was failing as her best friend.”

  I knew his words were coming from his heart, but he was trying to play it off in a joking manner. He was trying to make sure that Ethan knew where he stood. He was also trying to make sure that I knew we were going to be okay. He must have felt the ground crumbling as well.

  “Well, bestie, you need to get the heck out of here before I have to go back home. We leave on Sunday.”

  “That shouldn’t be a problem. This morning the doctor said that I would probably be able to go home on orders of strict bed rest tomorrow afternoon.” He paused for a minute, and I didn’t think he was going to continue at first. The look in his eyes told me that he had more to say. “After you left last night, a detective came in and asked me about the accident. When I told him what I remembered, he said that my parents could fill me in on the rest of the story. They won’t tell me anything yet. Will you?”

  I didn’t want to be the one to tell him. I squeezed Ethan’s hand, and he knew what I needed. As he got up from his chair, he pulled our hands to his lips and kissed my knuckles once. He quietly left the room, and once the door shut, I hopped off the bed.

  I couldn’t turn to look at Brad. I knew most of the story, but not all of it. I would tell him what I knew, and maybe that would jog his memory a little. With my back still to him, I started telling him about his accident.

  “You were leaving the post office. Apparently, you got off the phone with me and went inside to mail me something. I remember you saying something about it on the phone, but it didn’t really register with me until after the accident. When you came back out and put your car in reverse, they think you dropped your phone. You went to reach for something as you pulled out of the parking lot and must have hit the gas instead of the brake when you reached for it. You got hit on the passenger side.”

  I had to pause because I could feel the tears streaming down my face. My breathing was shallow, and I knew that if I didn’t sit down I would pass out. I slid on the bed next to Brad and cuddled up against his chest. He stroked my back while I continued.

  “You were hit by a semi-truck that was going probably fifty miles an hour. Your car was completely smashed in, and they had to use the Jaws of Life to get you out.” Okay, here comes the hard part. I can do this. “When they finally got you out, they lost you.”

  I could hear his breath catch in his throat. His hand stopped moving along my back, and his other went to his chest. I knew he had to have marks from where they shocked him. He was gone for almost two minutes before they got him back according to the paramedics.

  “They got you back just as the ambulance was pulling up to the hospital. They rushed you in for scans but found no internal bleeding. By the time I got here, you were in here, hooked up to all kinds of machine that were monitoring your body, keeping you alive at that point, according to the doctors. They put a tube in your throat to make sure you could breathe.” His hand moved from his chest to grasp his throat. “They put you in a medically induced coma to make sure that your body had time to heal before you woke up. Once they were sure they hadn’t missed anything, they took the tube out of your throat. You woke up two days later.”

  I was sobbing by the time I finished telling him what had happened. I could feel his chest rising and falling, and his heartbeat was erratic. I didn’t know what he was thinking right now, but I knew that he was trying to figure it all out. I felt his tears on my forehead and pulled back to look at him. His eyes were bloodshot, like he had been crying for a while. The look on his face told me that he remembered everything, and that pained me in a way that I’d never be able to describe.

  “I was reaching for my phone and felt my foot slip,” Brad said, his voice shaking as he spoke. He was about to confirm my worst fears. He lived through it, but now that he remembered it, he would have to live through it again and again for the rest of his life. “I wanted to call you back. I could tell something was wrong and wanted to talk to you.”

  Oh my god. It was my fault! I tried to pull away from him, but he wouldn’t let me. He was even stronger today than he had been yesterday. I should
have expected his body to heal this fast. He always was trying to prove everyone else wrong, trying to defy the odds.

  “It’s not your fault, Becca. I didn’t tell you that to hurt you. I told you that because I wanted you to know that the last thoughts I had before I was hit were of you. I was happy.”

  “That does not make me feel better,” I said firmly. I gave him a stern look, and when he grabbed my hand, I knew what he was going for. I was twirling my ring, and he reached over to stop me.

  “I was hoping you would still wear it.”

  “Of course. My best friend in the entire world gave it to me. I will always wear it.” I would, and I meant it. Ethan understood why I wore it, and that was all that mattered. I would never take that ring off for the rest of my life. The one time I did, something bad happened. I was not about to tell him that, though.

  “Well, I’m glad to hear that.”

  It suddenly felt like the room was getting smaller and the uncomfortable silence that fell between us was deafening.

  “I am getting a little tired. Mind if I take a nap for a while?” Brad asked.

  “Sure.” I hopped off the bed and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’ll be back later this afternoon—with food.” That earned me a smile. I was sure hospital food was nasty.

  “I wouldn’t complain if you happen to bring me a burger and fries, but you may not want to share your plan with the nurses.”

  I went to leave, but my curiosity got the best of me. I couldn’t wait until I got home to know what he had sent. I hadn’t thought about it until now, but I knew it was something special. He was still looking at me when I turned around. Our eyes met, and it’s like he read my mind.

  “You wanna know what I sent, don’t you?” He asked, a big smirk on his face.

  “Smartass. Of course, I do. Are you going to make me call my mom and find out, or are you going to tell me?”

  “I guess I could tell you but—”

  “Just tell me!” I screamed.

  The anticipation was killing me. He knew that I was impatient and was trying to drag this out.

  “Okay, okay. Calm down. I just sent you your yearbook. Ella brought it over and asked me to send it to you. You guys won some award or something. You’ll have to ask her.”

  So that was why Ella looked so awful when I walked in. She was probably blaming herself just like I was. I knew exactly how she felt. I wanted to make that feeling go away. I wanted to rewind time and find a way for him to avoid the accident. I wanted my guilt to go away. No chance that was going to be happening anytime soon.

  “Thanks. I can’t wait to see it. Did you at least sign it before you sent it to me?” I asked, already knowing the answer to my own question.

  “You know I did. Same place as always.” He replied. His smirk told me that his message would be worth reading. He was the only guy I knew that took the time to write something meaningful, and it was always the perfect thing to write, especially since he wrote over the cheer team’s page in Sharpie every year. He has always harbored hatred for that sport.

  With a wink and a little wave, I left Brad to take his nap. I found Ethan in the waiting room with the rest of my friends. He was in the middle of talking to Ella when I walked up, and he barely stopped his conversation as he pulled me onto his lap and kissed me on the cheek. Ella, on the other hand, about fell out of her seat at the sight of it all.

  I could feel the blush creeping up my neck and into my cheeks. I had talked about Ethan the entire time I was here over the summer, but it never occurred to me that my friends would meet him someday. These were not the conditions that I wanted him to meet them under, but he was here now. They had only seen crappy cell-phone pictures of him that barely did him any justice. I hadn’t thought to bring pictures with me. Ella had a reason to ogle him, and I knew it.

  As I glanced around the room at the friends I had known most of my life, the ones that I had been closest to nine months ago, I realized that time does change things. Sometimes it’s the little things, sometimes it’s the bigger things. Mostly it’s just the distance that makes you find a way to bridge the gap in any relationship. My friends and I had each found a way to bridge the gap, and our relationships were still strong.

  Brad and I were a shining example of coming full circle. We had always wanted to be best friends, tried, and succeeded at times. Mostly, we were always fighting our feelings for each other behind something or someone. I used tennis and school as my barricade; he used girlfriends. Now we were both honest with each other, accepting of each other, and, after the scare of a lifetime, closer than we ever thought we could be. We were truly best friends, with no hidden intentions this time around.

  Becca,

  This year has been one of the hardest of my life. I thought I would lose you and in the end I did, but not how I thought. I am so happy for you. I am glad that you found your place in this world, that you are happy and that I can still be a part of your life. Hopefully an important part.

  Have a great senior year. It will suck without you here but I know that we will see each other again soon.

  Love, Brad

  PS: Make sure you let me know if I need to kick Ethan’s ass. I will always have your back.

  Epilogue

  One Year Later

  Holy crap! I’m gonna be late. I can’t be late. I do not want to be that person who walks in late on the very first day. I could see it now: the door slamming behind me and echoing around the room, everyone turning to stare in my direction. I would probably top that off with tripping down the stairs or something from mortification. I cannot be late.

  I grabbed all my bags and rushed outside. I hit the sign on the crosswalk and prayed that it would change soon. I had ten minutes to do a five-minute walk, but I knew that if the crosswalk didn’t cooperate, I would have only about five.

  It changed, and I rushed across the street without looking. It was just after morning rush hour, but I should have looked. Living so close to campus was a blessing and a curse. I could take advantage and sleep in, but then I’d feel like a maniac and rush around. If I get caught by traffic or if the light refuses to change, then I could be late. I needed to get myself motivated, get up a little earlier, and not feel so rushed in the mornings.

  It’s only been two weeks since we all moved in, but it has been the best two weeks of my life so far. I was shocked when my mom and dad agreed to let me live off campus in a two-bedroom house with one other girl and two guys. I thought they would have freaked out, especially when they found out the sleeping arrangements. I truly believe that they love Ethan more than I do.

  I rush inside my classroom, and when the door slams shut behind me, I close my eyes and secretly pray that it wasn’t as loud as it sounded. When I opened them again, I notice that not a single person was looking at me, and when I heard the door open behind me, I headed to find my seat. I was smiling wide, thinking to myself. This was my first college class as an actual college student. Last year, I felt like an imposter. I kept mostly to myself for the first few weeks after Ethan and I came home, but then it was impossible to remain invisible.

  Once the tennis season got in full swing, Ethan was in the spotlight. I was right there next to him most days, and that meant I was in the spotlight too. Toward the end of my season, now that everyone knew who I was, I created a spotlight around us as well. Not only was I playing at the top of my game and getting attention for that, but my relationship was also garnering attention, no matter if I wanted it to or not.

  I received two offers for scholarships throughout the season, neither of which were at the U. I knew that if I had to, I would go to college without a scholarship. I planned on staying there and staying with Ethan. Unlike him, I was able to make that decision quickly and before it was necessary. I was rewarded for my patience when the coach offered me one of the two scholarships available at the end of the season. I said yes on the spot, and the rest is history. Well, sort of.

  That history was about to begin at
three o’clock this afternoon. I’d be having my first match, and although I was not playing at one singles today, that would be unheard of as a freshman—I was playing my arch rival. I knew that she had been preparing for me since I beat her that first time a year and a half ago. Although we played each other a few times during my run last fall with the U and again in the spring against her high school team, she had yet to beat me, and I was pretty sure she was getting annoyed with that little fact.

  Not only had she never beaten me, but she made calculated mistakes. They were easy to spot, and I knew how to push her buttons enough to get her to make them. That might sound mean or conniving, but that’s the game. If you want to win, you have to outplay your opponent and that means taking advantage of their weaknesses. I planned on taking advantage of all her weaknesses this afternoon and starting out my collegiate career with a win.

  I turned my focus to the professor as she walked in. This class should be a breeze, Photography 210, but the smile that engulfed her face as she said what I was thinking told me otherwise. She looked like a kid with her hand in the cookie jar. She introduced herself and started explaining what the class was all about. A couple students that were handpicked from the front row were now passing out our syllabus.

  I cringed slightly when I saw that this class was going to be harder than I thought. I looked around to gauge the reaction of the other students and realized that they were thinking the same thing I was. I skimmed the first page, then the second. On the third page was a list of office hours, phone numbers, and teacher assistants. When I reach the bottom of the page, I smiled and focused back on my professor. I would do just fine in this class. I had the advantage of a live-in tutor if I start to struggle.