Liam's Journey

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I’m selfish. I know this. I have the life most guys my age want. I’m going to college to play football for free. I have a hot ass girlfriend and my parents don’t give a shit if I come home at night. What more could an eighteen year old ask for?

  I want someone to care. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, but maybe it is and I should just give up the notion that someone will someday and just go with the flow of having a shitty life the rich way.

  My door opens and I don’t even lift my head to see why my mom is in my room. She has no business being in here. It’s not like she’s having a sudden change of heart and is going to invite me to join her for lunch. She probably doesn’t have permission to even be in my room. Sterling would never allow it. I have no doubt he hides her vodka to get her to comply with his demands. I’ll never be like him. I’d rather be alone and living in a cardboard box before I act like that prick.

  “Liam,” she says only it’s not my mom it’s Josie. I lift my head slightly just to confirm that my ears aren’t bullshitting me. I’ve been in my room since the night of graduation, for all I know I’m hallucinating because there’s no way in hell Josie Preston would set foot in this house unless she knows for sure that no one is home.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask, laying my head back down. I can’t look at her knowing that we’re through. These past few days have been the worst of my life, and a glimpse of what college will be like. I knew I wouldn’t have her with me, but at least we’d talk. Now we’re not even doing that.

  The foot of my bed dips as she sits down. I stay in the same position. I’m not going to look at her knowing that she’s here to make sure we’re finished. I know how town gossip works, I’m sure Ashford drove her over to make sure she tells me were done. It’s okay, they can have a long happy life together while I bust my ass playing a game I’m starting to fucking despise. Hell, maybe I’ll finally start listening to Sterling and take advantage of what all those girls at college are willing to give me.

  “Liam, can you look at me?” I close my eyes and shake my head. She has to know how much it pains me. I can already hear the disconnect in her voice. It’s really better this way, especially for me.

  “Liam?”

  “What, Josie?” saying her name out loud feels like I’m pressing a sharp blade to my skin, just waiting for it to pierce me and draw first blood.

  “I’m here to talk to you. Can you at least look at me?”

  I sit up quickly, startling her. “Well go on then, tell me that you’re done with me and get out of my room. I’m not in the mood.”

  She balks, shaking her head. “What is wrong with you? I came here –”

  “And I’m still trying to figure out why?”

  “To see you,” she says quietly. She’s trying to maintain eye contact with me, but can’t. Not that I can blame her, I’m not exactly smiling at her right now. I move to the side of my bed and rest my elbows on my knees. My heart is breaking and staring at her is only making it worse.

  “I’m sorry for being a dick, Josie. But you really shouldn’t be here. Sterling will probably show up and find you and it’ll be ugly.”

  “I’m not leaving until we figure this out. If your dad wants to toss me out on my ass, so be it. But until that happens you and I are talking.”

  I look at her over my shoulder and see tears pooling in her eyes. I knew this wouldn’t be easy, but I was hoping tears would be avoidable. We’ve had a few days to figure shit out and what we’re going to say to each other. She thinks I cheated. I think she likes Ashford a bit too much. It’s jealousy that’s going to drive us apart and there’s nothing I can do about it. Hell, I don’t even know what to do about it. I don’t know how to change it either.

  “I don’t like to see you cry, Jojo, so say what you have to say. I can take it.”

  Josie takes a deep breath and I focus on a spot on my floor, hoping that it can keep my attention because looking at her will break me.

  “I love you, Liam Page Westbury, and I don’t know why we ended up like this for the past two days, but I don’t like it. I don’t like not seeing you every day or even hearing your voice. We had a fight… our first fight and it was a big one. We’ve never even argued before and that fight was huge. I don’t know how we’re supposed to fix it, but we have to because I love you too much and I can’t live if you’re not in my life.”

  Against my better judgment I turn and look at her. Tears are falling down her face. I want to reach for her and hold her against me, taking away all the pain I’ve caused. This only proves my point – I’m a piece of shit boyfriend.

  “Josie –” she puts her hand up to stop me.

  “Let me finish.” I nod. “You’re leaving for school soon. We only have weeks, Liam, and the last thing I want is to spend the rest of our time together with this hanging over our heads. I won’t be able to handle being away from you knowing that things weren’t perfect when you left. Until football is over, I’ll hardly see you and I hate to think that you’ll be unsure about us while you’re in Texas,” she sobs. Josie covers her face with her hands and hiccups. It only takes me seconds before I have her pulled into my arms. I’m stroking her back, her shoulders and arms, anything I can to soothe the pain I’ve caused her.

  “I love you, Josie. I hope you know that. The other night – I was drunk and hurt – it’s no excuse, but it’s all I can offer.”

  “I’m sorry about my dad, Liam. I didn’t know he was going to do that and when I asked him why, he said something stupid about my cousin and family and I was pissed. I ditched as soon as I could, but then I found you and Candy.”

  “We were talking, Jojo.”

  She shakes her head. I shouldn’t have to defend my actions. It’s not like I was doing something bad.

  “You were smoking.”

  I tense briefly in her arms. “I was trying something new. That’s what we’re supposed to do, right? How are we supposed to grow as people if we don’t try new things or test limits? I’d never do anything to disrespect you, babe. I wouldn’t. Nothing is worth that.”

  Josie nods and snuggles into my chest. I lay us back onto my bed and curl her into me. “Are we breaking up?” I ask, stupidly.

  “I don’t want to, ever.”

  “Me neither, Jojo. I love you more than anything.”

  “More than smoking with Candy?”

  I nod, unable to answer. I do love Josie, but smoking with Candy was peaceful and relaxing. There was no talk about expectations or life. I look into Josie’s blue eyes and smile. “Yes, baby.” I say as I bring my lips down onto hers. I pull her to me, sliding my leg in between hers. Her leg hitches over my hip as she moans into my mouth. I’ve heard make-up sex is the best ever invention, but I don’t know what’s going on downstairs and the last thing I need is for my father to bust open my door when my robotic mother tells him Josie’s in here and have him find us in a compromising position. So right now I’ll make out with my girl before she slips away from me.

  I’m packing the last bit of camping gear into my truck when I hear the screen door open and shut. There’s a squeak, something that I’m surprised hasn’t been fixed yet, but I guess if you never come out here you don’t know about it. I know about it, but refuse to oil the hinges. Personally, I like the noise. It’s somewhat soothing in what is otherwise a rather quiet house.

  I don’t have to turn around to know that Sterling is approaching me. It’s the stench of his cologne that wafts through the air that alerts me to his location. I move the storage totes full of camping supplies around in my truck, tying them down with bungee cords just to keep myself busy. I really have no inclination to turn around and see what he wants. It’s funny, really. He hasn’t spoken to me in months and now he’s standing out here watching me. Maybe he thinks I’m moving out or leaving early for college. The thought has crossed my mind. I can check in anytime, but next week is the official day to report. I’ll have one day to acclimatize myself before football starts.

&
nbsp; Sterling clears his throat causing me to stiffen. I was so close, yet still couldn’t get out of here before he decided that today of all days he would talk to me. Mason and I are taking the girls camping for a week. Next Monday we leave for the University of Texas and won’t see them for a few weeks. I’ve already looked at our game schedule to figure out when I can sneak back to see Josie. Even if I can only see her for a few hours, the drive will be worth it. I also have to find a way to get her to campus for a weekend. The college football season is much longer than high school and there’s definitely no way I’m going the whole time without seeing my girl.

  I adjust the tote in front of me simply because I don’t want to turn around. I have nothing to say to him.

  “I thought we could talk.” I ignore him and move to the side of my truck and start tying down the tarp. I was going to do this when I stopped at Josie’s, but right now the distraction affords me the opportunity to zone him out. “Son.” I stop and raise my eyes slowly to meet his. He looks like he’s aged at least ten years since we went on the college visits.

  “You lost the right to call me son a long time ago,” I inform him through gritted teeth. I pull on the rope and thread it through the side of my truck.

  “We should talk.”

  “We have nothing to talk about and I’m going to be late.”

  “Look, you’re leaving soon—”

  “So what, this is your “let’s make amends for being a douche” moment?” I state, not making eye contact with him. “I’m not interested in anything you or your wife has to say.”

  “She’s your mother.”

  My actions are so fast they surprise me. I’m in front of Sterling with my finger in his face. “She’s not my mother any more than you’re my father. Parents don’t treat their children like scum and that’s what you do. You couldn’t even be bothered to show up for my graduation. My high school graduation for God sakes. Who misses their child’s graduation?” I shake my head. “The time for you to be parents is over. I’m leaving in a week.”

  “That’s what I want to talk to you about.”

  I scoff. “Whatever. I’m going to be late.”

  “Five minutes.” I roll my eyes and start working on the other side of my truck to tie down the tarp. “Your mother and I decided we’ve been wrong and we’re going to make it up to you.”

  “No thanks.” I finish doing all I can on my truck. I’m out of avoidance tactics. I look at him for the first time in a long time and notice that he’s aged since that fateful day in February. I shake my head as I look down at the ground and kick an imaginary rock. I wish things were different – that he was more like Mason’s dad – but he’s not. I should’ve swallowed that knowledge long ago, that I’d never have the kind of father most kids dream about. He’s about structure and social status.

  Sterling sighs. “We’ll financially support you while you’re away at college as long as you maintain your GPA and position on the team. I’m not thrilled with your choice of college, but what’s done is done. If you thrive, like I know you can, you’ll be in the NFL draft in four years.”

  He makes me want to yell and pound my fist into my truck. They’re going to support me… financially. But when I need the emotional support they’re nowhere to be found. It’s a little too late for him to come at me with this now.

  “Whatever,” I say again as I hop in my truck and start it. I don’t look in the rear view mirror as I’m pulling out of the driveway to see if he’s watching. I can’t bring myself to care.

  “What if a bear comes and tries to eat me?” I roll my eyes and shake my head slightly at her remark.

  “Seriously Josie, a bear isn’t going to come around here. He’ll hear you and Katelyn complaining all the time and think better of it.”

  Josie hits me, causing me to laugh. The drive here all she did was talk what if’s and it doesn’t matter how must assurance I gave her, she’s still scared.

  I pound the last stake into the ground and pull her into my arms. Tonight, and for the next five nights, we’ll be in each other’s arms. No parents, no curfew, no rules. It sounds just about perfect.

  “You’ll be fine, I’m here,” I reassure her, pecking her on the nose. I pull her hand into mine and walk the short path back to our campground. There are four chairs set up around the fire pit and a fire is already going.

  I go to the cooler and pull out a beer, taking one of the seats. I twist the top, throw it into the burning flames and watch the metal change colors. Josie moves her chair closer to me, putting her arm through mine and resting her head on my shoulder. Katelyn and Mason sit down opposite us and mirror our positions.

  “I can’t believe this is it. Our last hurrah,” I say, pointing my bottle toward Mason as a nod to what’s about to come for us.

  “I’m going to miss you,” Josie whispers in my ear. I notice Katelyn looking at Mason like she’s hiding something and truth be told, they haven’t spent much time with us this summer. It makes me wonder if they’re pregnant. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised. He’s been asking her to marry him for a while now. It would suck though.

  Mason clears his throat and kicks the dirt in front of him. He’s looking everywhere but at me and I’m not sure what to think.

  “What’s up, man?” I ask, as I empty my bottle. I set it on the ground and place my hand on Josie’s leg. My thumb rubs circles on her thigh.

  Mason shrugs. “I have something to tell you.”

  Josie’s grip on my arm gets a little tighter as I adjust in my seat. What on earth could he possibly need to tell me in the middle of the forest? “What’s up?”

  He looks at Katelyn who nods and kisses him on the shoulder. When Mason looks back at me, he’s not making eye contact. Whatever he’s about to tell me is bad, but unless he’s told me that he’s slept with my girl, it can’t be that bad.

  “I’ve decided to stay and go to school with Katelyn.”

  I stiffen. I take everything back. This is right up there with sleeping my girl. “What do you mean?” It’s a stupid question. I know what he means.

  “I don’t want to leave Katelyn.”

  “So you just…” I have to close my eyes and count to ten. I lean forward and Josie starts to rub my back. “Did you know?” I ask her, quietly. She shakes her head. There are tears in her eyes and for the life of me I can’t understand why. Are they for me or for the friendship I’ve shared with Mason?

  “Liam –”

  I hold my hand up, not ready to hear what he has to say. My eyes burn an imaginary hole into the ground. I’m biting my lips so hard I can taste the iron seeping into my mouth. He’s not going and I am. Everything I’ve done, every decision I’ve made has been for nothing.

  “I chose the University of Texas because of you and now you’re not going?” My voice is sharp, the anger rushing forward. I can’t hold it back.

  “I’m in love.” His answer is weak and not good enough.

  “And you don’t think I am? I was going to ask Josie to go to school with me until you told me about Texas. I had an offer from them and thought you’d appreciate us playing together. I wanted to take her out of Beaumont and never return, but didn’t ask her because I didn’t want Katelyn to be alone.”

  “Thanks –”

  “Just stop, both of you. Why couldn’t you tell me this before we got here? Afraid I’d bail?”

  I stand and stare down my friend, who right now I wish wasn’t my friend. He’s someone who has just turned my last camping trip into a fucking nightmare. I’m stuck here for five days with him when all I want to do is fucking leave.

  “Liam –”

  “What, Mason? What on earth do you have to say? Is it that you didn’t want me to go to college with you? Because if that’s the case you should’ve fucking said something when you barged into my hotel room. Do you really think I want to go to Texas? Fuck no. I did it for you, so you wouldn’t be alone because you kept going on and on about your damn scholarship and I thought if I w
ere there to help and support you, things would be okay. Boy was I fucking wrong.” I grab my hair and pull it, letting out a loud yell. I bend over and try to catch my breath. I want to fucking cry I’m so frustrated. I feel Josie’s hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me. Unfortunately it’s not going to work, not this time.

  “And to think I could’ve had a decent fucking home life these past few months had I chosen the right school, but who the hell gives a shit about that?”

  I kick my chair into the fire, startling Josie. I glance in her direction before heading off into the woods. There’s nothing they can say, what’s done is done. I was stupid for trying to do what’s right for my friend when I should’ve just thought about myself. Josie and I could be packing and getting ready for school, instead we’re getting ready to say goodbye. She’ll be with her friends and I’ll be alone.

  Just the way Sterling prefers it.

  I hold Josie in my arms. I know she’s trying not to cry but her tears dampen my shirt. I don’t push her away. My bags are packed and strapped down in the back of my truck. The next stop is the University of Texas. We’ve had a rough week and it definitely hasn’t gone like we had planned. They say plans are supposed to change. I don’t know who they are but their theory is spot on.

  My dad got wind of Mason backing out of his scholarship and did everything he could to get me into one of the five I had shortlisted, but he couldn’t. I was actually thankful for his attempt and it was nice to see him step up, but in the end it was all for nothing. He’s disappointed in me and so am I. I’m off to a college that I don’t really want to be at and it’s my own fault for putting others in front of me. Sterling’s incredibly selfish and says I need to learn to be this way too.

  The sun is rising over the valley now. We’ve been out here for an hour or so. I’m not supposed to leave until tomorrow, but there’s a party tonight at the tower and I can’t bring myself to be there. I thought it best, under the circumstances that I leave early. I can take my time and maybe figure out my life while I’m driving solo on the highway.