The B. M. Bower Megapack

by B. M. Bower

  “This is sure all right,” he approved, rousing a little. “It’s almost as good as sitting up on a pinnacle and looking out over the range. If I had a good hoss, and my riding outfit, and could get out there and go to work cutting-out them white-caps and hazing ’em up here on a run, it wouldn’t be so poor. By gracious, this is worth the trip, all right.” It never occurred to Andy that there was anything strange in the remark, or that he sat there because it dulled the heavy ache that had been his since yesterday—the ache of finding what he had sought, and finding with it disillusionment.

  Till hunger drove him away he stayed, and his dreams were of the wide land he had left. When he again walked down Pacific Avenue the hall clock struck four, and after he had eaten he looked up at it and saw that it lacked but fifteen minutes of five.

  “I’m supposed to meet her when she quits work,” he remembered, “and Lola and Freddie will go to the plunge with us.” He stopped and stared in at the window of a curio store. “Say, that’s a dandy Navajo blanket,” he murmured. “It would be out-uh-sight for a saddle blanket.” He started on, hesitated and went back. “I’ve got time enough to get it,” he explained to himself. He went in, bought the blanket and two Mexican serapes that caught his fancy, tucked the bundle under his arm and started down the street toward the office where Mary worked. It was just two minutes to five.

  He got almost to the door—so near that his toe struck against a corner of the belabelled bulletin board—when a sudden revulsion swept his desires back like a huge wave. He stood a second irresolutely and then turned back. “Aw—hell! What’s the use?” he muttered.

  The clock was just on the last stroke of five when he went up to the clerk in his hotel. “Say, when does the next train pull out?—I don’t give a darn in what direction,” he wanted to know. When the clerk told him seven-thirty, he grinned and became undignifiedly loquacious.

  “I want to show yuh a couple of dandy serapes I just glommed, down street,” he said, and rolled the bundle open upon the desk. “Ain’t they a couple uh beauts? I got ’em for two uh my friends; they done me a big favor, a month or two ago, and I wanted to kinda square the deal. That’s why I got ’em just alike. Yes, you bet they’re peaches; yuh can’t get ’em like this in Montana. The boys’ll sure appreciate ’em.” He retied the bundle, took his room-key from the hand of the smiling clerk and started up the stairway, humming a tune under his breath as he went.

  At the first turn he stopped and looked back. “Send the bell-hop up to wake me at seven,” he called down to the clerk. “I’m going to take a much-needed nap—and it’ll be all your life’s worth to let me miss that train!”

  LORDS OF THE POTS AND PANS

  The camp of the Flying U, snuggled just within the wide-flung arms of an unnamed coulee with a pebbly-bottomed creek running across its front, looked picturesque and peaceful—from a distance. Disenchantment lay in wait for him who strayed close enough to hear the wrangling in the cook-tent, however, or who followed Slim to where he slumped bulkily down into the shade of a willow fifty yards or so from camp—a willow where Pink, Weary, Andy Green and Irish were lying sprawled and smoking comfortably.

  Slim grunted and moved away from a grass-hidden rock that was gouging him in the back. “By golly, things is getting pretty raw around this camp,” he growled, by way of lifting the safety-valve of his anger. “I’d like to know when that darned grub-spoiler bought into the outfit, anyhow. He’s been trying to run it to suit himself all spring—and if he keeps on, by golly, he’ll be firing the wagon-boss and giving all the orders himself!”

  It would seem that sympathy should be offered him; as if the pause he made plainly hinted that it was expected. Andy Green rolled over and sent him a friendly glance just to hearten him a bit.

  “We were listening to the noise of battle,” he observed, “and we were going over, in a minute, to carry off the dead. You had a kinda animated discussion over something, didn’t yuh?” Andy was on his good behavior, as he had been for a month. His treatment of his fellows lately was little short of angelic. His tone soothed Slim to the point where he could voice his woe.

  “Well, by golly, I guess he knows what I think of him, or pretty near. I’ve stood a lot from Patsy, off and on, and I’ve took just about all I’m going to. It’s got so yuh can’t get nothing to eat, hardly, when yuh ride in late, unless yuh fight for it. Why, by golly, I caught him just as he was going to empty out the coffee-boiler—and he knew blamed well I hadn’t eat. He’d left everything go cold, and he was packing away the grub like he was late breaking camp and had a forty mile drive before dinner, by golly! I just did save myself some coffee, and that was all—but it was cold as that creek, and—” Habit impelled him to stop there long enough to run his tongue along the edge of a half-rolled cigarette, and accident caused his eyes to catch the amused quirk on the lips of Pink and Irish, and the laughing glance they exchanged. Possibly if he could have looked in all directions at the same time he would have been able to detect signs of mirth on the faces of the others as well; for Slim’s grievances never seemed to be taken seriously by his companions—which is the price which one must pay for having a body shaped like Santa Claus and a face copied after our old friend in the moon.

  “Well, by golly, maybe it’s funny—but I took notice yuh done some yowling, both uh yuh, the other day when yuh didn’t get no pie,” he snorted, lighting his cigarette with unsteady fingers.

  “We wasn’t laughing at that,” lied Pink pacifically.

  “And then, by golly, the old devil lied to me and said there wasn’t no pie left,” went on Slim complainingly, his memory stirred by the taunt he had himself given. “But I wouldn’t take his word for a thing if I knew it was so; I went on a still-hunt around that tent on my own hook, and I found a pie—a whole pie, by golly!—cached away under an empty flour-sack behind the stove! That,” he added, staring, round-eyed, at the group, “that there was right where me and Patsy mixed. The lying old devil said he never knew a thing about it being there at all.”

  Pink turned his head cautiously so that his eyes met the eyes of Andy Green. The two had been at some pains to place that pie in a safe place so that they might be sure of something appetizing when they came in from standing guard that night, but neither seemed to think it necessary to proclaim the fact and clear Patsy.

  “I’ll bet yuh didn’t do a thing to the pie when yuh did find it?” Pink half questioned, more anxious than he would have owned.

  “By golly, I eat the whole thing and I cussed Patsy between every mouthful!” boasted Slim, almost in a good-humor again. “I sure got the old boy stirred up; I left him swearin’ Dutch cuss-words that sounded like he was peevish. But I’ll betche he won’t throw out the coffee till I’ve had what I want after this, by golly!”

  “Happy Jack is out yet,” Weary observed after a sympathetic silence. “You oughtn’t to have put Patsy on the fight till everybody was filled up, Slim. Happy’s liable to go to bed with an empty tummy, if yuh don’t ride out and warn him to approach easy. Listen over there!”

  From where they lay, so still was the air and so incensed was Patsy, they could hear plainly the rumbling of his wrath while he talked to himself over the dishwashing. When he appeared at the corner of the tent or plodded out toward the front of the wagon, his heavy tread and stiff neck proclaimed eloquently the mood he was in. They watched and listened and were secretly rather glad they were fed and so need not face the storm which Slim had raised; for Patsy thoroughly roused was very much like an angry bull: till his rage cooled he would charge whoever approached him, absolutely blind to consequences.

  “Well, I ain’t going to put nobody next,” Slim asserted. “Happy’s got to take chances, same as I did. And while we’re on the subject, Patsy was on the prod before I struck camp, or he wouldn’t uh acted the way he done. Somebody else riled him up, by golly—I never.”

  “Well, you sure did put the finishing touches to him,” contended Irish, guiltily aware that he himself was o
riginally responsible; for Patsy never had liked Irish very well because of certain incidents connected with his introduction to Weary’s double. Patsy never could quite forget, though he might forgive, and resentment lay always close to the surface of his mood when Irish was near.

  Happy Jack, hungry and quite unconscious that he was riding straight into the trail of trouble, galloped around a ragged point of service-berry bushes, stopped with a lurch at the prostrate corral and unsaddled hastily. Those in the shade of the willow watched him, their very silence proclaiming loudly their interest. They might have warned him by a word, but they did not; for Happy Jack was never eager to heed warnings or to take advice, preferring always to abide by the rule of opposites. Stiff-legged from long riding, the knees of his old, leather chaps bulging out in transient simulation of bowed limbs, he came clanking down upon the cook-tent with no thought but to ease his hunger.

  Those who watched saw him stoop and thrust his head into the tent, heard a bellow and saw him back out hastily. They chuckled unfeelingly and strained ears to miss no word of what would follow.

  “Aw, gwan!” Happy Jack expostulated, not yet angry. “I got here quick as I could—and I ain’t heard nothing about no new laws uh getting here when the whistle blows. Gimme what there is, anyhow.”

  Some sentences followed which, because of guttural tones and German accent emphasized by excitement, were not quite coherent to the listeners. However, they did not feel at all mystified as to his meaning—knowing Patsy as they did.

  “Aw, come off! Somebody must uh slipped yuh a two-gallon jug uh something. I’ve rode the range about as long as you’ve cooked on it, and I never knowed a man to go without his supper yet, just because he come in late. I betche yuh dassent stand and say that before Chip, yuh blamed old Dutch—” Just there, Happy Jack dodged and escaped getting more than a third of the basin of water which came splashing out of the tent.

  The group under the willows could no longer lie at ease while they listened; they jumped up and moved closer, just as a crowd always does surge nearer and nearer to an exciting centre. They did not, however, interfere by word or deed.

  “If yuh wasn’t just about ready t’ die of old age and general cussedness,” stormed Happy Jack, “I’d just about kill yuh for that.” This, however, is a revised version and not intended to be exact. “I want my supper, and I want it blame quick, too, or there’ll be a dead Dutchman in camp. No, yuh don’t! You git out uh that tent and lemme git in, or—” Happy Jack had the axe in his hand by then, and he swung it fearsomely and permitted the gesture to round out his sentence.

  Perhaps there would have been something more than words between them, for even a Happy Jack may be goaded too far when he is hungry; but Chip, who had been washing out some handkerchiefs down by the creek, heard the row and came up, squeezing a ball of wet muslin on the way. He did not say much when he arrived, and he did not do anything more threatening than hang the handkerchiefs over the guy-ropes to dry, tying the corners to keep the wind from whipping them away up the coulee, but the result was satisfying—to Happy Jack, at least. He ate and was filled, and Patsy retired from the fray, sullenly owning defeat for that time at least. He went up the creek out of sight from camp, and he stayed there until the dusk was so thick that his big, white-aproned form was barely distinguishable in the gloom when he returned.

  At daylight he was his old self, except that he was perhaps a trifle gruff when he spoke and a good deal inclined to silence, and harmony came and abode for a season with the Flying U.

  Patsy had for years cooked for Jim Whitmore and his “outfit”; so many years it was that memory of the number was never exact, and even the Old Man would have been compelled to preface the number with a few minutes of meditation and a “Lemme see, now; Patsy’s been cooking for me—eighty-six was that hard winter, and he come the spring—no, the fall before that. I know because he like to froze before we got the mess-house chinked up good—I’ll be doggoned if Patsy ain’t gitting old!” That was it, perhaps: Patsy was getting old. And old age does not often sweeten one’s temper, if you notice. Those angelic old men and old ladies have nearly all been immortalized in stories and songs, and the unsung remainder have nerves and notions and rheumatism and tongues sharpened by all the disappointments and sorrows of their long lives.

  Patsy never had been angelic; he had always been the victim of more or less ill-timed humor on the part of the Happy Family, and the victim of hunger-sharpened tempers as well. He had always grumbled and rumbled Dutch profanity when they goaded him too hard, and his amiability had ever expressed itself in juicy pies and puddings rather than in words. On this roundup, however, he was not often amiable and he was nearly always rumbling to himself. More than that, he was becoming resentful of extra work and bother and he sometimes permitted his resentment to carry him farther than was wise.

  To quarrel with Patsy was rapidly becoming the fashion, and to gossip about him and his faults was already a habit; a habit indulged in too freely, perhaps, for the good of the camp. Isolation from the world brings small things into greater prominence than is normally their due, and large troubles are born of very small irritations.

  For two days there was peace of a sort, and then Big Medicine, having eaten no dinner because of a headache, rode into camp about three o’clock and headed straight for the mess-wagon, quite as if he had a right that must not be questioned. Custom did indeed warrant him in lunching without the ceremony of asking leave of the cook, for Patsy even in his most unpleasant moods had never until lately tried to stop anyone from eating when he was hungry.

  On this day, however, Big Medicine unthinkingly cut into a fresh-baked pie set out to cool. There were other pies, and in cutting one Big Medicine was supported by precedent; but Patsy chose to consider it an affront and snatched the pie from under Big Medicine’s very nose.

  “You fellers vot iss always gobbling yet, you iss quit it alreatty!” rumbled Patsy, bearing the pie into the tent with Big Medicine’s knife still lying buried in the lately released juice. “I vork und vork mine head off keeping you fellers filled oop tree times a day alreatty; I not vork und vork to feed you effery hour, py cosh. You go mitout till supper iss reaty for you yet.”

  Big Medicine, his frog-like eyes standing out from his sun-reddened face, stared agape. “Well, by cripes!” He hesitated, looking about him; but whether his search was for more pie or for moral support he did not say. Truth to tell, there was plenty of both. He reached for another pie and another knife, and he grinned his wide grin at Irish, who had just come up. “Dutchy’s trying to run a whizzer,” he remarked, cutting a defiant gash clean across the second pie. “What do yuh know about that?”

  “He’s often took that way,” said Irish soothingly. “You don’t want all that pie—give me about half of it.”

  Big Medicine, his mouth too full for coherent utterance, waved his hand and his knife toward the shelf at the back of the mess-wagon where three more pies sat steaming in the shade. “Help yourself,” he invited juicily when he could speak.

  Those familiar with camp life in the summer have perhaps observed the miraculous manner in which a million or so “yellow-jackets” will come swarming around when one opens a can of fruit or uncovers the sugar jar. It was like that. Irish helped himself without any hesitation whatever, and he had not taken a mouthful before Happy Jack, Weary and Pink were buzzing around for all the world like the “yellow-jackets” mentioned before. Patsy buzzed also, but no one paid the slightest attention until the last mouthful of the last pie was placed in retirement where it would be most appreciated. Then Weary became aware of Patsy and his wrath, and turned to him pacifically.

  “Oh, yuh don’t want to worry none about the pie,” he smiled winningly at him. “Mamma! How do you expect to keep pies around this camp when yuh go right on making such good ones? Yuh hadn’t ought to be such a crackajack of a cook, Patsy, if you don’t want folks to eat themselves sick.”

  If any man among them could have soothed Pa
tsy, Weary would certainly have been the man; for next to Chip he was Patsy’s favorite. To say that he failed is only one way of making plain how great was Patsy’s indignation.

  “Aw, yuh made ’em to be eat, didn’t yuh?” argued Happy Jack. “What difference does it make whether we eat ’em now or two hours from now?”

  Patsy tried to tell them the difference. He called his hands and his head to help his rage-tangled tongue and he managed to make himself very well understood. They did not argue the fine point of gastronomic ethics which he raised, though they felt that his position was not unassailable and his ultimate victory not assured.

  Instead, they peered into boxes and cans which were covered, gleaned a whole box of seeded raisins and some shredded cocoanut just to tease him and retired to wrangle ostentatiously over their treasure trove in the shade of the bed-tent, leaving Patsy to his anger and his empty tins.

  Other men straggled in, drifted with the tide of their appetites to the cook-tent, hovered there briefly and retired vanquished and still hungry. They invariably came over to the little group which was munching raisins and cocoanut and asked accusing questions. What was the matter with Patsy? Who had put him on the fight like that? and other inquiries upon the same subject.

  Just because they were all lying around camp with nothing to do but eat, Patsy was late with his supper that night. It would seem that he dallied purposely and revengefully, and though the Happy Family flung at him taunts and hurry-up orders, it is significant that they shouted from a distance and avoided coming to close quarters.

  Just how and when they began their foolish little game of imitation broncho-fighting does not matter. When work did not press and red blood bubbled they frequently indulged in “rough-riding” one another to the tune of much taunting and many a “Bet yuh can’t pitch me off!” Before supper was called they were hard at it and they quite forgot Patsy.