The Christmas Wife

by Sherry Lewis

  Letting out his own deep breath, Beau glanced toward the bay window. “That sounds fine, but…”

  Doris laughed. “You’re surprised.”

  “To put it mildly.” He pulled out the gloves he’d stuffed into his pockets and put them on again. “Don’t get me wrong—I don’t have a problem with what you’re suggesting, but I don’t get it. What happened?”

  “Can we just say that I came to my senses and leave it at that?”

  “I guess so.” He turned up his collar to protect his ears from the cold. “For what it’s worth, Doris, I think this will be good for the kids.”

  “You won’t mind if I keep hoping Heather comes to her senses one of these days?”

  “Not a bit—as long as you understand that there’s nothing but the kids left between us.”

  “I think I can finally accept that. At least, I’ll do my best.”

  “Well, I can’t ask for more than that.” Beau pushed away from the railing and stretched to work the kinks out of his back. “When did you want to take the kids?”

  “I was thinking maybe Brianne this Saturday, and Nicky the next?”

  “That sounds fine to me.” He still wasn’t completely convinced he was talking to Doris—although this woman did bear a strong resemblance to the woman Doris had been a handful of years ago. He caught a glimpse of Molly near the sink and shifted the phone to his other ear. “You said something about Molly earlier. She’s the one who suggested these shopping trips?”

  “You’re not angry with her, are you?”

  “Of course not.” He moved so he could see Molly better through the window—the curve of her cheek and the smile that was becoming so familiar. “I just wanted to make sure, that’s all. I didn’t realize you and Molly were friendly.”

  “Well, I don’t know if you can say we’re friendly, exactly.” Doris laughed uneasily. “But she was kind enough to talk with me today, and she made sense.” Doris paused. “I suppose you could do worse for yourself, Beau.”

  Her compliment was so backhanded, he almost laughed aloud. “Well, yes,” he said. “I suppose I could.”

  In the house, Molly walked back to the table. She slid an arm around Brianne’s shoulders and ruffled Nicky’s hair with her free hand, then took her own seat and began to work, still chatting easily with the kids and creating a picture so homey it twisted Beau’s heart.

  Somehow she’d managed to create the home he’d been craving for years. The happy children. The home-cooked meals. The laundry under reasonable control and only a mild amount of clutter. Laughter and music and happiness. She’d created them all. She’d succeeded where he had failed—and once again, he was relying on someone else.

  “I’ll have Brianne call so you can set up the details,” he said to Doris. “And we need to talk about Thanksgiving. I want to make sure you have time with the kids that day.”

  “Bless you, Beau. You’re a good man.”

  With her endorsement ringing in his ears, he stuffed the phone back into his pocket and headed for the door again. But his heart sat heavily in his chest, and his future felt like a rock on his shoulder.

  Did he love Molly? Or did he love what she’d done for him? The kids. The house. The renewed self-confidence. He just didn’t know.

  He leaned against the wall, the contentment he’d felt a few minutes ago slipping away from him. He thought he loved her, but what if he didn’t? What if someday down the road, he had to look at her and confess that he’d mistaken gratitude for love? Too many people could get hurt if he was acting on feelings that weren’t genuine, and he just couldn’t do that to Molly or to the kids.

  He was going to have to tell her the truth and ask for time. But he had the sick feeling that it was going to be the hardest thing he’d ever had to do.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  TWO HOURS LATER, Beau walked slowly across the lawn beside Molly. The evening had dragged on endlessly, and he’d been dreading this moment ever since he’d walked in the door. Molly and the kids had looked so happy.

  Looked? Hell, they were happy.

  Brianne was herself again after far too long, and he was trying to remember if he’d ever seen Nicky so carefree. So what was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just relax and enjoy Molly’s company? Why couldn’t he let things keep going the way they were?

  Because he knew how it felt to be lied to, that was why. Because he’d been through this once before, and he knew how he’d felt when Heather announced that she’d never really been in love with him. He couldn’t let things keep going if there was any chance at all he’d ever say those words to Molly.

  As if she could feel him thinking, Molly slid a curious glance at him. “You’re awfully quiet tonight. Was there some trouble on the flight?”

  He shook his head and resisted the urge to put an arm around her or hold her hand. The contact might make him feel better, but she’d hate him for it when she heard what he had to say. “The flight was fine.”

  Although he’d tried to sound normal, he must not have succeeded. The smile that had been hovering on her lips faded and her eyes filled with concern. “Is there some other problem?”

  “I don’t know if you’d call it a problem…” He glanced back at the house and asked himself one last time if he was doing the right thing. He stopped walking. “Yeah, I guess it is a problem.”

  She touched his arm gently. “What is it?”

  Her concern nearly made him change his mind. It had been too long since anyone had looked at him like that, and he liked the way it made him feel. But that was just another part of the problem. He had to look away from her to get the words out. “I think we need to reconsider what’s going on here.”

  He heard her soft, indrawn breath, then, “I’m not sure I understand.”

  Beau forced himself to look at her again. She deserved that much. “I came home tonight and saw you with the kids, the house smelling wonderful, dinner on the table, laundry done. Brianne’s doing great, and Nicky adores you. Even Doris is acting like a new woman. You’ve worked miracles around here, Molly, and I’m grateful.”

  Her dark eyes roamed his face. “But?”

  “But it also hit me that I haven’t been fair to you—or to the kids. I swore I was going to take care of my kids on my own, without help. I swore I was going to get my house in order on my own. Well, the kids are doing great, and the house is in order, but I’m not the one responsible.”

  “Of course you are.”

  “No. I haven’t learned how to balance. It’s still all or nothing for me, and that’s not good enough when you have a family. Having you here just makes it easier for me to compound that mistake. If there’s anything good going on inside that house, it’s your doing, Molly, not mine.” She shook her head again, but he had to get the rest out. “You’ve turned the kids around. You’ve given me a new lease on life, and you have no idea how grateful I am.”

  “But now it’s over? Is that what you’re trying to say?”

  “Not over.” He wanted to reach for her, but he wouldn’t let himself. “I feel things for you I never expected to feel again. But what if it’s not real? What if it’s a rebound thing, or just bone-deep relief that someone’s come along to help me out of the mess that was my life?”

  Pain flashed through her eyes an instant before they shuttered. “I see.”

  “I’m not explaining this well.”

  “I think you’re explaining it perfectly.”

  “I don’t want this thing between us to be over. I just need some time to figure out what it is.”

  “It’s friendship, Beau. A few laughs. A kiss here and there. I don’t recall ever asking you for a commitment or giving you one in return.” The coldness in her eyes told him more than the words she spoke.

  “But I’m not sure I don’t want one,” he said. “All I’m asking for is time and a little space. I just need a chance to get myself together and figure out what I’m feeling.”

  She took two steps backward, but her eyes
never left his face. “You can have all the time you want, Beau. All the space in the world. I never meant to crowd you.”

  “But you haven’t. That’s not what I’m saying. I just…” He rubbed his face. “I care about you, Molly. You must know that.”

  Her lips formed a hurt smile. “You don’t have to say that, Beau. I’m a big girl and I’ve been rejected before. I think I can survive one more time.”

  He closed the distance between them and took her hands in his. “I’m making a mash of this, obviously. I care about you, Molly. A lot. But I came home tonight and saw you and the kids together looking like a Norman Rockwell painting. And then I talked to Doris and found out that you’d even turned her around.”

  When he felt her getting ready to pull away again, he tightened his grip on her hands and locked eyes with her. “After Heather left, all I wanted was to prove that I could take care of the kids and the house on my own. That’s it. And then you came, and I started falling in love with you. You were so beautiful, and I felt young and handsome and worth something again. It was wonderful and exciting and so good for my shattered ego.”

  Her gaze dropped to their joined hands. “And you think you were alone in that?” She looked back at him, and the raw emotion in her eyes sucked his breath away. “You think my rotten marriage didn’t leave a huge hole in my self-esteem?”

  “I know it did. That’s another reason why we can’t take this too fast. The kids are another. But honest to God, Molly, if things keep going the way they have been, I’ll propose to you before the end of the week. The kids adore you, and I could be a happy man with you in my life and in my bed every night. But I’m not going to ask you for that until I’m absolutely sure of what I’m feeling.”

  She nodded, and for a split second he thought she truly understood. But then she stepped away from his embrace and looked at him with eyes so cold only a fool could fail to see that he’d lost her.

  “Take all the time you need, Beau. I’m leaving Serenity.” He tried to reach for her again, but she evaded him easily. “I understand that you’re confused, and I understand why. I’m not angry. I knew the risks that came with falling in love with you. It certainly isn’t the first time I’ve been down this road. I want someone who loves me, not someone who’s trying to convince himself that he does. I love Brianne and Nicky, and it’s going to be hell to leave them, but I won’t stay just because they like this setup.” She picked up her purse and slung it over her shoulder. “In the end, they’ll only get hurt—and so will I.”

  MOLLY ZIPPED the last of her bags closed and told herself to pick them up, but she couldn’t move. She stood there, blinking back tears and staring at the bed for probably the hundredth time that morning. She’d only been here six weeks, but already this cabin felt like more of a home than anything else she’d ever known.

  She’d let herself get caught up in the fantasy. She’d allowed herself to believe that Beau and his kids could be family. That she could fill the empty places in her heart with someone else’s life. And now she was paying the price.

  A noise from outside caught her attention, and she flew to the window, foolishly hoping that Beau had changed his mind, that he’d realized he loved her and that he’d come to stop her from leaving. But the blond head she saw near the swing wasn’t Beau’s.

  Nicky stood on the porch, hitting one of the chairs with a stick, and she could tell by the deep scowl on his face that Beau had told him she was leaving. She pulled back sharply and tried to think, but she already knew she wouldn’t try to avoid him. No matter what happened between her and Beau, she wouldn’t purposely hurt the kids.

  She checked out the window again. Nicky had shifted to the edge of the porch, but the stick was still moving, and she knew it wasn’t going to get better until she talked to him. Grabbing her sweater, she stepped out into the relatively mild morning. “Nicky? Are you all right?”

  He whipped around at the sound of her voice and the eagerness on his little face pummeled her heart. “Are you leaving? Dad says you’re leaving, but I think he’s lying.”

  Molly would have given anything not to have this conversation. She sat on one of the chairs and leaned forward so she could look the boy in the eye. “He’s not lying, Nicky. I am leaving. I’ve been here too long, already.”

  His eyes filled with tears before she stopped speaking. “But I thought you were going to stay. I thought you liked us.”

  Was it possible to die from heartache? Molly wondered. She drew Nicky onto her lap and kissed the top of his head, but his nearness only made the pain worse. “Oh, Nicky, I do like you. You have no idea how much. You’re a wonderful boy, and it’s not because of you that I’m leaving.”

  “Then why?”

  It was on the tip of her tongue to make up a palatable reason, but she’d spent weeks insisting that children deserved the truth and she couldn’t offer this child anything less. “I have to go, Nicky. For a while now, your dad and I have been kind of…playing house and having you and Brianne play along. But we finally realized that it’s not fair to you two, and I need to go away before somebody’s feelings get hurt.”

  “Well, it’s too late.” Nicky swiped his eyes with a sleeve. “Brianne locked herself in her room after breakfast, and Dad’s in a really sad mood. You can’t leave. They won’t like it.”

  She was hopeless. A lost cause. She wanted to be over there, deep in the thick of it, working through the problems with them. She wanted it all, the good and the not-so-good that went along with being part of a family. But she wasn’t part of their family. Beau couldn’t have made that any clearer if he’d written it out for her.

  Resting her cheek against the top of Nicky’s head, she struggled to speak. “I’m so sorry that Brianne is unhappy, and I wish your dad wasn’t sad. But your dad and I aren’t in love, and we’re not going to be a family. I don’t want you and Brianne to think that we are.”

  Nicky jerked away from her and slid to the ground. “That’s not fair!”

  “I know it’s not. It wasn’t fair of us to let you and Brianne think things were different than they are.” No fairer than it had been to let herself get swept up in that old dream. “I’m so sorry, Nicky. I wish I could stay, but I just can’t.”

  “Well, that stinks!” He jumped from the porch and swung back around to glare at her. “You’re just like my mom, and I don’t like you anymore.”

  With her heart shattered in a million pieces, Molly watched him run across the lawn as fast as his legs could move. She wanted desperately to go after him, to tell him she’d stay and to promise that everything would be okay, but she didn’t let herself take a step.

  She’d been foolish and foolhardy. She’d been reckless and irresponsible, and not just with her own heart. If she went through hell getting over this, it was no more than she deserved.

  MOLLY WAS HALFWAY through town when she realized that, once again, she was running away from the one thing she had come for. She pulled to the side of the road and turned the car around, making her way through quiet neighborhoods toward Louise Duncan’s house. After all, what did she have to lose? No matter what she learned about her parents at this point, the pain couldn’t be worse than what she felt over losing Beau and the kids.

  She parked in Louise’s driveway a few minutes later and studied the house as she walked to the front door. Louise had always loved to decorate for the holidays, and that apparently hadn’t changed over the years. Un-carved pumpkins perched on bales of hay, sheaves of dried cornstalks tied together with twine leaned against the house, and a garland of silk leaves in autumn colors rimmed the front door.

  A shaft of pain lanced her, so deep she thought it might tear her in two. She hadn’t let herself think about spending the holidays with Beau and the kids, but on some level she must have been planning to. Thanksgiving wouldn’t be so hard, but knowing she wouldn’t be with them for Christmas made her almost sick.

  She pushed aside those thoughts and replaced them with memories of Ruby
and Louise planning trips into Jackson to buy decorations and poring over mail-order catalogs together. She remembered the laughter they’d shared, the phone calls…the secrets? She could only hope.

  When she rang the bell, a Thanksgiving tune she remembered from schooldays began to play. Molly knew that if Ruby had been here still, she’d have used the same tune on her own doorbell. She closed her eyes and sent up a silent prayer that Louise would understand her need to know the truth, and that she’d somehow realize that talking to Molly would not betray her old friend. But after several minutes passed with no answer, she began to lose heart.

  Just as she was ready to give up, the door inched open and Louise’s narrow face appeared in the opening. She didn’t look at all surprised to see Molly standing there, and Molly guessed that she’d been watching from a window. The realization was disappointing but not surprising. After all, the woman had spent the past six weeks avoiding her.

  Louise had grown thinner, deep wrinkles lined her brow and bracketed her mouth, and her eyes had lost some of their sparkle. Her once-dark hair was liberally streaked with gray, and a pair of thick glasses perched on her nose.

  She looked Molly over without expression and sighed heavily. “So you’re here.”

  Just like that. No shock. No surprise. No defiance. Just resigned acceptance of a moment she’d known was inevitable in spite of her efforts to avoid it. Molly should have realized it would be like this. She could have saved herself a lot of heartache.

  “I’m here,” she said, “and I need to talk to you.”

  Louise nodded and pushed open the screen door. “You may as well come in. I guess you’re not going to go away until you get what you came for.”

  Molly stepped into the house, which was at once familiar and strange, and followed Louise into the carefully kept living room. Back when they were kids, this room had been a jumble of toys and books, of crayons and paper. Now, it was devoid of clutter and filled with furniture that looked as if it had never been used.