Licentious

by Jen Cousineau

  “Well,” he pauses as he takes a deep breath to steady himself, “you had a collapsed lung, which they were able to repair in surgery. They repaired several wounds. Stab wounds in your stomach, chest, spleen, and intestines. You also have six broken ribs, a broken wrist, and a sprained ankle. In the scheme of it all, you actually are very lucky, Joey. Thank God, He was on your side that night.” Dad finishes in an almost whimper before dropping his head and allowing the sobs to rip through him.

  My mind falls blank. I’m unsure how to process all of this. My eyes refocus onto the man who has been my hero since the day I took my first breath. Tears prick my eyes as I try to slightly lean forward and wrap my arms tightly around his stocky body frame, but the pain throughout my chest, ribs, and stomach are too much. “Daddy. I’m okay… It’s going to… be okay.” I try to reassure him. “We can do anything… temporarily.” As soon as the words leave my lips, I wished I could bring them back. My mouth grows dry and my heart feels like someone has a vice grip around it. The last time I had said those words, they were to help Eve and I to mentally make it through that hell. Eve is gone. Will that ever fully sink in for me? Will it ever feel like I can keep living? Doubt it. Dad seems to think that God kept me alive and then brought me back from the dead on the operating table. Personally, I hope that was God trying to grant my wish, but maybe it was that my luck ran out—so here I am.

  “When… is there… Eve’s funeral,” I manage to finally spit out the words. Did I miss it? Did they wait for me? Where’s her body? Is it wrong of me to want to hug her one last time?

  “Joey,” he sighs, “a month, Joey. We couldn’t…” he pauses, slightly shaking his head, “we couldn’t wait that long. We didn’t know—”

  “It’s fine.” I shrug. Anger pierces through me, but I know it’s not his fault. I only have myself to blame. And really, it’s selfish of me to have wanted Dad and Aedan to wait to find their own closure through all of this. Over Eve. It just sucks. We were all close. We all had an unimaginable bond. But Eve and I? What we had was special. Not in the cliché sense, but literally, special. We always knew what the other was thinking without actually having to say it. We could sense how the other one was feeling. We were inseparable. We did everything together, and we didn’t have secrets from one another. I probably knew her better than I know myself. When I say she was my other half, I truly mean it. You can’t survive without lungs or a heart, right? Well, that’s how vital we were to each other. I’ve never imagined what life would be like without her by my side. Now, I guess I don’t have a fucking choice in it.

  I bat the tears that have escaped and are making a journey down my face, and I force a smile for my dad. I know that this has to be destroying him inside. “It’s fine, Dad. Really, I’m fine with it,” I nod sharply. “So. When can I… get outta here?” I force a grin. Fake it, ‘til you make it, right?

  Just as Dad was about to answer, the doctor knocks on the fake wooden door as he enters the room. “Hello, Josephine. I’m Dr. Cunningham.” The older man smiles at me. Warmth and kindness seep from his soft brown eyes and are laced with unwelcome pity. “Glad to see you are awake. How are you feeling?”

  My eyes take in his kind face—the aging skin starting to crinkle around his eyes and his salt and pepper hair thinning on top of his head. His white coat that every doctor seems to wear is embroidered in dark blue, Cunningham, M.D. “I’m good,” I tell him with a slight nod. “When can I… leave?”

  A light chuckle fills the room, my eyes flashing to his face. Really? “I’m sorry,” he says as he clears his throat. “Since you just woke up, I don’t think it would be wise to rush the healing process. You’ve been out for a while, giving your body ample time to heal, but you still are not a hundred percent yet. You had several severe injuries, and there is still ample room for infections to takeover. You’ve probably noticed that you feel a bit breathless when you speak, yes?” I nod in response. He takes it as a cue to continue. “That’s from having a collapsed lung. You’re going to feel that way for a few more days yet, I’m afraid. You’ll also go through spurts of exhaustion. I think it would be best for you to stay here for a few more days, a week perhaps, for observation. We also need to start physical therapy. We did surgically repair all damage that we could, but you will definitely need therapy to heal properly. First thing we need to do is to take you for an MRI and CAT scan, as well as run a few neurological tests due to the severity of your injuries.”

  I couldn’t stop the groan from escaping my throat. No way do I want to be here for another week. What if they know that I survived? Are they going to come back and finish the job? What if the police come here looking for answers? Answers I can’t give them? Will they know about the message Vinny gave me for Aedan? A message that makes no sense at all? Will Aedan blame himself for Eve? I can’t let him take the guilt. It wouldn’t be fair. None of it would’ve happened if we weren’t there for the contest.

  “Can’t my Dad… observe me? I can do outpatient… therapy, right?” There has to be a compromise in this. I need to go home. I need to be in my and Eve’s bedroom right now. The idea of knowing that I wasn’t able to say goodbye to her at her funeral crushes me. I know that funerals royally suck and all, but… maybe it would’ve made it more real. Maybe it would help me move forward. All I want right now is to move back, change that night. Forget that stupid fucking contest, and go somewhere she wanted to for our birthday. I would give anything to go back and change that night.

  “Let’s just take one day at a time, okay, Josephine?” Dr. Cunningham asks. I give him a small nod as I stare down at my hands, thoughts of Eve and that night consuming me.

  “We have an excellent psychiatrist who would like to meet with you. Is that something that you’re up for?” His voice becomes gentle.

  Uh… what? “I’m not crazy,” I spit back, my temper rising as the urge to scream at his insane thought fills me.

  “Of course not, Josephine. I didn’t mean to imply that I thought you were, but,” he pauses, looks to my Dad before his soft brown gaze connects with me again, “you went through a traumatic ordeal. The events you endured are going to be hard to overcome. It may be best for you to discuss your feelings and thoughts with someone who is trained in that area, someone who is licensed to help you. I understand you have a full support system with your family, but some people find it easier to deal with events such as these with someone they don’t know. Someone…neutral.”

  Neutral? What? Does my family blame me, too? Is that why he feels I shouldn’t talk to them about it? Does he know it’s my fault? They should blame me, but it doesn’t help ease the heaviness growing like fire throughout me. Tears burn my nose, and I force myself to steel. I push my shoulders back and turn my attention back to Dr. Cunningham.

  “I appreciate your concern. At this time, I will not be… seeking the services of… your colleague. However, if in the future… I feel it is necessary, I will contact them… myself.” My voice is icier than I intended.

  “Joey,” my dad hisses softly. So maybe it was a lot icier than I intended, but I don’t need a fucking stranger to listen to my problems just to judge me and pretend that they fucking understand. They aren’t going to understand shit unless they’ve been through it themselves. Whatever. I don’t respond. The silence between us is almost deafening in itself.

  “It’s quite all right, Mr. Delaney.” Dr. Cunningham smiles as he holds up a hand toward my father. “How about I’ll leave her information with your father. If you change your mind, feel free to contact her directly. In the meantime, let’s take it day by day. We’ll see how you do, and if any issues arise, then we’ll talk more in-depth about your discharge. Okay?” He smiles warmly in my direction. Now I feel bad for throwing my attitude at him, but not enough to apologize. I just nod my head before falling back against my pillow and closing my eyes. I’m done with this conversation.

  “Mr. Delaney, I’m going to take Joey for some tests, but I’ll have her back soon,” he
says gently.

  “Yes, of course. I’ll be right here when you get back,” Dad tells me as worry clouds his face. I do my best to give him a reassuring smile to tell him he doesn’t need to worry about me, but by the look on his face, it only made it worse as I witness the tears that threaten to betray him.

  *****

  A knock sounds at the door, but no one comes through.

  “Who is it?” I ask as if my dad has a super power to know these things. He just laughs as he stands up from the ugly teal blue chair that looks like it’s seen better days. The sound of the door clicking reaches my ears before a familiar voice sounds out.

  “Mr. Delaney, good to see you again, sir.” I recognize Kellan Pikowski’s voice instantly.

  “Kellan, great to see you again. If only it were under different circumstances,” my dad says sadly. I imagine they are shaking hands—that’s just the way my dad is.

  “Agreed, sir. I heard that Jo is awake. Would it be okay for me to come in and ask her a few questions?” Kellan asks my dad, as if he speaks for me. I don’t want to answer any questions.

  “Of course. I’m going to go grab some coffee. I’ll be back shortly,” I hear him say before the door clicks closed and Kellan comes into view along with a short Hispanic woman. Kellan’s always been gorgeous. Eve always had the biggest crush on him. Of course, I always understood why. Golden blonde locks that are clipped short, just a bit longer on top than on the sides and light green eyes that always feel as if he is looking straight through you. Kellan’s tall, about 6’3 or so, and all muscle. He and Eve’s personalities always seemed to complement each other. I also knew that he felt something for her from when I would catch him watching her when she wasn’t looking.

  I’m glad it’s Kellan that they sent to question me about that night. I’ve known Kellan since Aedan and he went through the Police Academy together, and they’ve been best friends ever since. Last year, he was promoted as Head Detective for the department. But… it still doesn’t make it any easier. I don’t want to rehash it. My brain has done little of anything else besides going over those events on repeat. But saying it all out loud, I’m not sure I can do that. I already feel broken inside, as if there is a dark hole eating me alive. Talking about it—what if it destroys me? How do I convince Dad and Aedan that I’m fine if I get to that point?

  “Hi,” he whispers. Sadness fills his pale green eyes. He doesn’t force a smile or small talk. Kellan was never one to beat around what’s real. “This is Catalina. She’s an advocate from ADVOCAP,” he tells me with a hand gesture toward the short woman quietly standing next to him.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell him, skipping all etiquette of formalities in the way of greetings to either of them.

  I watch his brows pinch together, confusion filling his face. “For what?” his voice strains.

  “I know how you… felt about Eve, Kellan. I know this can’t… be easy for you,” I tell him as he opens his mouth to stop me. I raise my hand to signal for him to stop before he speaks. “Let me finish,” I order him. “You don’t have to… admit anything to me, but I know you cared for her… differently than you did for me. We,” I motion between him and me with my hand a few times, “are friends. I see you as… another brother. You and Eve… well, I know it must be hard… for everyone to have… to look at me and… see Eve. For you, I know it probably… hurts like hell,” I end on a whisper. A small smile tips one side of his lips. Tears cloud his eyes, and he clears his throat as he makes his way to the ugly chair to the right of my bed.

  “I’m more concerned about you,” he says softly, his voice breaking. “Yes, I cared for Eve, and it kills me that she’s not here. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t see Eve when I look at you, Jo, but I see you, too. And frankly, I’m worried about you. We all are.” His eyes never leave mine while his hands nervously rub up and down his dark blue pant legs.

  “I’m fine,” I quickly say, forcing a smile. “I just really want… to get the hell outta here. And I really don’t want… to talk about… any of it.” I pull my eyes from him and refocus on pushing the cuticles of my nails back.

  “You’re not fine, Jo. No one can be fine after an event like that. And… I need you to tell me everything you remember about that night. I need to find these guys.” He sighs softly, anger clouding his face as he slightly shakes his head. He’s right. I know he is. I also know that crawling into myself probably isn’t the best way to recover from any of this. But it’s where I’d rather be. I don’t want to relive it again.

  Tears fill my eyes and one escapes before I can bat it away. I roll my eyes up to the ceiling with a slight shake of my head.

  “Jo,” he nearly whispers. The warmth of his hand seeps through the blanket as he gently touches my hand. A touch, for the first time ever, makes me jump.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispers softly. He removes his hand so quick, you would have thought the touch burned him.

  “It’s fine.” I try to force a smile to reassure him.

  “Jo… please,” he pleads.

  “Kellan,” I shake my head, my bottom lip quivering. “I… can’t.”

  “Yes, Jo. You can,” he says, emphasizing every word. “You have to... For Eve. For you.”

  As soon as he mentions Eve, it’s like I can feel a knife pierce directly through my heart. An invisible hand twists the blade slowly in a circle. My hand flies to my chest, my eyes close as I try to force back a sob. I try to shake the memories of Eve’s anguish in her final moments from my head. He’s right.

  I square my shoulders, raise my chin slightly, and force my gaze to lock with his. “Fine,” I breathe out defeated. And then I begin to tell him everything about that night. Well… almost everything.

  Chapter Seven

  Dad hasn’t left my side since Kellan and Catalina left, although now I think his body is trying to catch up on rest. The sound of a chainsaw is pouring from his lips. I know it’s only been a day, but I can’t keep doing this. I need to be alone for a while. I can’t keep pasting this ‘I’m okay’ look on my face, when in reality, this fucking sucks. I shouldn’t be here. Why am I here? Why am I still alive? I know most people would be grateful that their life was spared. Maybe I am just ungrateful, but the idea of living each day without Eve… it’s an unbearable thought. A nightmare in itself.

  There’s a light knock on the door before I hear someone enter. With my eyes glued to the entry, a genuine smile dances on my face. Aedan. My eyes take in his disheveled appearance, which causes my smile to slip away. His blonde hair is a mess. Dark circles frame his eyes and wrinkled clothes cover his body. “You look like shit,” I tell him.

  A hint of a smile touches his lips before vanishing once again. “I could say the same about you,” he says quietly, making his way to my bed.

  “Where’ve you been?” I ask sadly. The fact it took him almost twenty-four hours since I’ve been awake to visit stings a bit.

  “Workin’,” he shrugs before sliding into my bed. His large body shoving me to slide over to give him more space. Both of us stare at the ceiling in silence for what seems like forever.

  Finally, his voice cracks. “Why won’t you tell the police anything?”

  “I did,” my brows furrow in confusion. “I told them what happened.”

  “Yah, you did,” he sighs, “but not anything useful. Did they say anything? Did you know them? Something. Anything.” He rubs his hand down his face on a heavy exhale. “Joey,” he whispers, “I have to find them. I need you to help me. There’s not a whole lot to go on.”

  “There’s got to… be evidence, Aedan,” I reassure him. “DNA, fingerprints, the knives, something,” I shake my head in disbelief. After everything, there has to be at least something they can use. Right?

  “There were no weapons found at the scene. Yes, we have DNA, but if they haven’t been logged into the system previously, we won’t find a match. Which we haven’t. Monsoon only has security cameras in the parking lot. We didn’t find anyone who m
atched the description you gave us.”

  Fuck. That means they’re around walking free, living happy lives. While we are chained to our heavy hearts. To our nightmares. The one satisfaction of this all… I’m almost certain that at least one of those fuckers is dead. I was pretty out of it, but I’m pretty sure that the lights for Tony burnt out.

  “I just feel like you’re not telling us something. That we’re missing something. There has to be something for us to go on. What are we missing?” he asks more to himself aloud than to me. I can almost hear his brain working away trying to discover another angle. I know the angle he’s searching for, and I know I owe it to Eve to tell him. It’ll probably be the best lead to go on, but… I’m afraid that it’ll destroy the remaining threads of my family. It’ll destroy Aedan. Can I take that chance? Can Aedan handle it? I’m starting to think that I’m running out of options.

  With a heavy sigh I whisper, “I’ll make you… a deal.”

  “You and your deals.” He chuckles softly. “All right, hit me,” he adds as he snuggles into the pillow, crossing his arms over his flat belly. So, I do. I smack him with the back of my good hand against his arm. “What the—”

  “You said ‘hit you,’” I laugh lightly. “I don’t want to be… here anymore,” I whisper. “I need to be home, in my and Eve’s… room,” I tell him as a wave of tears burn my eyes. Taking in a breath, rolling my eyes up toward the ceiling, I will the unshed tears away. “Break me outta here, and I’ll tell you anything I can.”

  “And if I say no?” he whispers back.

  “Then I’ll break myself out. I need to get… outta here, Aedan,” I promise. I miss Eve like something fierce. I missed her damn funeral. I need to go home, be with her things. Maybe that’ll help settle the unforgiving ache that feels like the stabbings have moved to my heart, just sitting there, eating away at me from the inside.