Licentious

by Jen Cousineau

  I look over at Kellan and Maria, who are sitting at the edge of the bed closest to us, and I know that they are in love. I’ve seen it countless times. But I don’t understand how Kellan, of all people, would be okay with this.

  “Kellan,” I start with confusion, “is this why you decided to resign from your position?”

  “Yes,” he says confidently. “I love Maria, Jo. After what happened with you and Eve, and then Aedan,” he says looking down at his hands, “I tossed the idea of leaving around but never went through with it. But then I met Maria,” he tells me as he looks at her and smiles sweetly. “She changed everything for me.” He looks back over to me and offers me a small smile. “I would never kill someone who didn’t deserve it. I also run their security and am only brought in if I’m absolutely needed.”

  “But it goes against everything you and Aedan believed in. Everything you guys instilled in Eve and me,” I tell him confused.

  “Jo,” he sighs, “there are good cops and there are bad cops. There are good people who don’t carry a badge, just like there are bad. Sometimes… sometimes there’s a grey area that the law doesn’t cover. What we do is no different than what you did.”

  His words are like a slap to my face. My mouth falls slack and I can only stare back at him.

  “Frank asked you if you were okay with the punishment that Alannah faced,” he reminds me, his face growing sour as he says my mother’s name. “You agreed. How is that any different?”

  He’s right. They’re all right.

  *****

  After talking with Kellan, Maria, and Rosetta, I agree to go back with them to talk to Alé. I check out of the hotel and follow them back. When we park into the drive, I have to force myself to take a few deep breaths to help calm the butterflies flying erratically around in my stomach.

  No words are said, but they look at me and each of them sends me sympathetic smiles as they walk into the main house, leaving me alone to walk to Alé’s. When I reach his door, I stand there for a few moments trying to determine if I should be knocking or if I should just enter. After a mini-debate, I decide just to enter. I quietly walk in and close the door behind me. I see Alé sitting on the floor with his back against the base of the couch, his hands in his hair, his eyes to the floor. His clothes appear disheveled, and I realize he’s still in his tux from yesterday.

  “You left me,” his voice comes out quiet but hard.

  “I did,” I whisper back. “But, Alé, you have to understand—”

  “Understand how you can just leave?” he accuses angrily as he pushes himself up off the floor and comes to stand before me so we are face to face. “How you can just judge me after everything? Everything we’ve been through? Everything that I stood by your side and helped you through and you just leave me?” His brow is creased, and his eyes are spitting rage and hurt.

  I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. I shake my head and look down at my feet to try to collect my thoughts.

  “What? You have nothing to say? Come on, Jo!” he starts to yell. “At least be honest with me!”

  “Stop yelling at me!” I yell back at him. “You have no idea! No idea what the hell I’m feeling or what the fuck has been running through my mind,” I inform him. “I didn’t judge you. I judged what I thought I knew about the ‘mafia,’” I tell him as I air-quote with my fingers at the word mafia. I shake my head, moving past him so I can start to pace back and forth on his living room floor.

  “I know I shouldn’t have run but I really just needed to breathe. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. And then Kellan, Maria, and your mom came and talked to me. I just…” I stop pacing as I stop talking. I don’t even know where my head is. I’m not even sure what I should be saying right now—what I need to say.

  “You just what?” he asks nearly on a whisper.

  “Alé, I… I was taught young that killing is bad and that people should be helping each other instead of stealing and killing each other. And I know… I know I judged. Honestly, it all just freaked me the fuck out,” I nearly yell as I return my gaze to his, my arms out at my sides. I see his eyes soften as he takes a step toward me, and I take a step further away from him and shake my head. His jaw becomes clenched and I see the hurt in his face.

  “Alé,” I breathe, tears clouding my vision. “I love you,” I whisper. “I have for a while but I… I’m scared. Everything good in my life is taken away so drastically and I… I don’t know if I can handle it again.”

  “Kitten,” he says softly, “I’m not going anywhere unless you make me,” he tells me as the corner of his lips tilt up slightly.

  “I feel like you lied to me,” I accuse. “Why didn’t you tell me what it is you really do?” I ask with the hurt evident in my voice.

  “I planned to tell you… eventually.” He shrugs, running a hand over his hair. “But you need to understand that we don’t talk about family business with people outside of the family.

  I can’t help the hurt that crushes my heart. So he really doesn’t see me as family.

  “Stop right now,” he orders as he steps closer to me until his hands rest against my face. “There’s family, which is Ma, my sisters, you…” he pauses, “and then there’s family. Costra Nostra family. Which is business. You will never be informed of any of that family business unless it’s a dire need, a special circumstance. Even if I want to tell you, I never will be able to due to the rules and oaths that we all take when we become a member.

  I instantly feel relief course through me, and maybe it’s wrong, but the fact that he does consider me family makes me feel better.

  “Are they dead?” I ask, surprisingly my voice stays even, my gaze never faltering from his.

  He doesn’t speak, but he rolls back on his heels and nods his head once.

  “When?” I whisper. “When were you going to tell me?”

  “When I propose to you,” he says quietly, hope shining in his eyes. “I needed you to know the life you’d be saying yes to. I would never trap you into it. That’s not who I am.” He sighs. “Jo, I’m so sorry. I wish I could change things. But I’ll never make you do anything you’re not comfortable with,” he promises. He slips his hand in mine, closing his eyes briefly and says, “I don’t want to lose you, kitten. My world—it was so dark until you. You are my light Jo,” he whispers. “I love you so damn much.” He smiles sadly.

  “I’m not going to judge you or your family, Alé. That’s not who I am, and that’s not how my dad raised me. I told your dad that I was okay with him killing my mom,” I shake my head. “And I meant it.” I begin to pace in front of him again. “I feel no remorse, no guilt, no sadness… for any of it. I’ve killed, too, Alé. Maybe for different reasons but I’ve done it nonetheless,” I confess. “The day I find out that you’ve murdered or hurt any innocent person, for any reason, I’m walking away and I’m never looking back.” I level my eyes at him.

  He nods once. “No worrying about that. That’ll never happen,” he promises.

  “You make me feel beautiful, Alé. Safe,” I say softly. “Loved,” I add. “I love you, and you’ve been this all along,” I wave my hand over him. His face falls at my words. “Technically,” I breathe, “nothing’s changed.”

  “What are you saying?” he asks his voice cracking.

  “I’m saying yes, Alé.”

  “Yes?” he furrows his brows.

  “You said you were going to tell me everything when you proposed.” I smile as I run my hands over his hard chest. “You told me,” I shrug, “so, I’m letting you know what my answer will be.”

  “God, how’d I get so lucky?” he breathes, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead against mine. “I love you, Jo,” he whispers against my lips.

  “And I love you, Alé.”

  Epilogue

  One Year Later

  Joey

  Alé and I have been married for six months now. He wanted a huge, elegant affair to show the world that I was going to be his wife.
It took months of arguing and debating back and forth with him, and eventually, I ended up using my back up—Ma. With the help of Ma, we were able to convince him to do a small, private affair with just the people we care about most.

  We had beautiful weather for a mid-June ceremony and reception outside. His immediate family and our closest friends joined us. We decided against having a wedding party, but we did ask Addison and Tommy to be our official witnesses for court documentation.

  Alé couldn’t understand at first why I was hell bent on a small wedding, but when I finally worked up the courage to let him know how much I missed my family, and how much it hurt knowing that they weren’t going to be there and that my daddy wasn’t going to be able to give me away, or dance with me at my wedding, I didn’t want to waste time from our special day with people that I barely knew. Our wedding should be about us, and the people we love. Not the people that we care about as a human being, but really have no other ties to besides obligations through work or social etiquette.

  I knew he understood where I was coming from, and with the help of Ma, he agreed as long as he was able to help decide about the food and entertainment. At first, I thought his idea was insane, but then, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was us. We moved the Sunday barbeque to Saturday, and Alé wore a pair of white swim trunks for the reception. With the help of Alé, Addison, and Alé’s amazing family accepting me for me, and not the imperfections on my body, I began to see myself as beautiful as they told me they did. I was confident come our wedding day to wear the white string bikini that Alé surprised me with when he threw out my comforting red one-piece. I couldn’t have asked for a better wedding day filled with happy memories than what we had.

  I finish putting the final touch in the nursery, a black and white photo of Eve, Dad, Aedan, and I from when Aedan and Dad took Eve and me out to celebrate our eighteenth birthday. I enclosed it in a white wooden frame and decided to place it on the dresser and turn it just slightly so it can be seen from every corner of the room.

  We decided we didn’t want to wait until the baby arrives to find out the gender, but we still chose a pale green paint color with white accents. I’m not a huge fan of staring at pink every day, and I know that most of her gifts will probably consist of that color.

  Alé surprised me with white wooden music notes and sporadically hung them on the walls. He has decided that our little one is going to be musically talented like Aedan and me. He even surprised me with the name that he came up with on our ride home from our ultrasound—Evelyn Rose. Evelyn after Eve and Rose after Ma, Rosetta. I think it’s perfect, so much so I balled like a baby when he asked me for permission.

  I did start writing music again. Well, I guess I never really stopped. I just never actually played the music out on an instrument or wrote anything down on paper. Alé’s cousin, Stephen, eventually apologized for ‘stealing’ my song. Apparently, he was there that first year at Monsoon for the contest and fell in love with my song. When he never ended up hearing it on the radio, he decided to listen to the sound recordings they had and teach himself how to play it. He was determined to make sure that the whole world would get to hear it one day. Apparently, Alé had entered me into the contest before I even went up on stage to kick Stephen off and perform it myself. I knew the crowd loved the song that night, and it turns out, so did the recording labels. I didn’t win, but the song was bought by a huge label and is currently number one on the charts.

  Alé and I decided to stay at the pool house for the first year or so of our baby’s life so his family is close by, and so Ma can come and help easily when needed. The bonus is that I’m only a few steps away from a beautiful Baby Grand Piano. I’ve been using it more and more lately and even started sharing my music with Alé and the family.

  I originally chose to never play again because of the guilt of what my dreams caused. But after the event that took place with my Mom at Kellan and Maria’s wedding, I now realize that it wasn’t my dreams that caused it. No matter what, I now know that my mom would’ve found a way to do what she did anyway.

  Playing and composing again makes me feel closer to them. I always thought Eve was my other half. And in a way she was, but so were Dad and Aedan. Now I realize that maybe there is a higher power. And maybe, just maybe they had a hand in making sure that Kellan and I reunited and that Alé and I met.

  I may have lost my family, but they helped me become a part of a new one. And this family has ensured that they get to know my family so they can love them just as much as Kellan and I do and so they can help tell Evelyn all about them.

  I never really understood why God didn’t take me that day just so I could endure hell day after day. But now, as my hand rests on my six-month pregnant belly, and I look around the nursery that we’ll be using soon, now I fully get it. Now I understand my purpose for surviving.

  “Music is life. That’s why our hearts have beats”

  —Unknown

  The End

  Note from the Author

  Thank you for taking the time to read Licentious. The musical ideas of this story actually stemmed from the song Human by Christina Perri when I heard it for the first time driving down the highway. The ‘mafia’ portion and the angst of this story came to me when Monster by Eminem and Rhianna followed. As soon as I reached my destination, I whipped out some paper and started writing the few ideas that I had. A few days later, the story started to evolve more and more until it wouldn’t allow me to focus on anything else. So, I started my research.

  My original thoughts of the Italian ‘Mafia’ were from what I’ve learned from books and movies. But as I researched more and more, I found some interesting tidbits of how the Italian Costra Nostra (AKA the mafia) views rape and disrespecting woman. I believe, from my understandings of the information I read, to partially be based off the values of a traditional Italian family. But also, the ‘family’ actually believes that if a member of the ‘family’ can’t be trusted by who they give their heart and commitment to, then they can’t be trusted at all. They are then viewed to be lower than a thief.

  I had a very hard time trying to determine how to end Alé and Joey’s story as I had two endings flowing through. To be honest, half of me wanted to kill Joey off. But thanks to my amazing beta reader’s they helped me realize what my message really was. And if I killed Joey, then my message would’ve been lost.

  Now, I’m not saying every person in the ‘mob’ is a good person. But the same can be said for cops, lawyers, accountants, etc. Sometimes good people do shitty things. And sometimes shitty things happen to good people. And sometimes, there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, a happily ever after truly does exist.

  I would love for you to leave a review after you finished Alé and Joey’s story. Whether you loved it or hated it, I would love to hear your thoughts!

  Acknowledgements

  I’m going to try to keep this short and sweet and cross my fingers that I haven’t forgotten anyone...

  First of all, I need to thank my amazing husband, Jim, for everything that he has done to help me get this book accomplished. He picked up A LOT of slack for me so I could focus on writing this story as soon as he came home from work until the wee hours of the morning, just to get up and do it all over again. And surprise! He even helped me with a few of the steamy scenes!! To my daughters, Butterfly & Lovebug, I know you guys are so young and won’t be allowed to read this until you’re older, but your enthusiasm and sacrifice of time with me will mean more to me than you will ever know. I love all three of you so much, and I can only hope that you never forget or doubt that.

  To my amazing beta readers: Corinne Vande Zande, Karen Van Horn, Sara Waldvogel, Amber Parenteau, Debbie Kollins, Stephanie Gresham, Steph Schiefer, Katrina Albarracin, Ginger Andrews, Norma Grijalva, Kelly Sloane, & Chelsea Barnes. Each and every single one of you contributed in some way to make this story as amazing as it is. Whether it was letting me bounce ideas off of you,
rereading, or getting together with me for wine and brainstorming, or even kicking my ass into gear and out of the bitch squad, and encouraging me to finish when I thought I was never going to reach my deadline. I LOVE each and every single one of you!

  To my brother, Erik, who helped me with all the ideas I had rolling around in my head. Being a police officer, my crazy texts on how to kill someone and legal aspects – he swallowed them with grace and gave me the information that I needed without thinking that I needed to be locked away ;)

  To my AMAZING and kickass new PA’s! Norma Grijalva and Kelly Fallon Sloane – you both amaze me. Just starting out and we are kicking ass. Well – you ladies are, I’m just along for the ride ;) Seriously, though, the efforts and time and knowledge you have put into this book is astounding. I cannot wait to see what’s ahead for us. I feel like a simple Thank You is just… too simple. I feel like you both deserve so much more! I love you both!

  Of course, to my amazing and talented editor, Rogena Mitchell-Jones. I flippin’ love you! You seriously are amazing and one of the sweetest people I have ever known. I cannot wait for you to read A Secret Gamble :)

  To Kari Ayasha – thank you so much for allowing me to hound you with questions and emails through the search of the perfect cover. I absolutely love this cover – you did phenomenal on it! :)

  I also want to thank all the amazing readers who have given me a chance. None of us indie authors would be doing what we do if it weren’t for all of you! To all the amazing bloggers and authors out there that I have met thus far, or have yet to meet – you all are amazing! The positivity and strength in the relationships that most of you have proven and given to me thus far is incredible. It makes me so confident in my decision to give this dream a chance. Thank you to each and every one of you!