Regret

by Max Henry

  I told the attending officer about the kid instead, who then promptly disappeared, hitching the radio on her shoulder closer to her mouth as she rattled off the details. They said they’d sort it. They said they could track down the name of the facility and have an officer there within the hour.

  They shouldn’t have to. What kind of sister knows nothing about her apparent niece or nephew?

  This one.

  My phone vibrates in my hand, and I stare at the name sitting proudly above the Accept and Decline icons.

  Mum.

  I told her I’d ring again when I got more news. There isn’t any. But you can’t blame her for worrying.

  “I still haven’t heard.”

  She sighs down the line, the quiet hum of the television in the background. “It’s been over an hour.”

  “I know.”

  My bladder knows.

  My rumbling stomach knows.

  Yet, I can’t bring myself to leave the uncomfortable-as-hell seat in search of relief, in case I miss an update.

  “Well, we’ve booked the next available flight. Your father’s packing our bags in the car; we depart in an hour and a half.”

  My father, the retired psychologist, convinced Mum that a move to Queensland was what they needed. The thought of another winter in New Zealand’s south, snowed in, was more than he could stomach. “I need the sun to heat my bones,” he’d said. And Mum agreed.

  Kath and I stayed behind, put down roots where we’d grown up, and promptly drifted our separate ways since there was nothing left to tether us to each other. Otago is more than large enough if you don’t want to be found. Seven years living within twenty kilometres of one another, and we never crossed paths. Not once.

  “I’ll ring you if I hear anything.”

  “Message me if we’re in the air,” Mum urges. “I want the update as soon as we hit the ground. We’re picking up a rental car in Christchurch.”

  “Of course. Sure thing.” The majority of international flights still come in to the South Island via the airport in Christchurch. Once they get their rental car, it’s still a four and a half hour drive south to Dunedin. Yet it’s probably still quicker than waiting for the next direct flight to Queenstown and making the shorter drive north.

  Silence hangs heavy. I don’t know what else there is to say that won’t seem trivial given the circumstances.

  “She needs you,” Mum whispers, breaking our reverie. “Don’t make this about the past. Please.”

  I don’t say anything. I know Kath needs a familiar face, someone in her corner, but my capacity for caring is tied up in how this affects our ageing parents, not me. I could have easily received the phone call and dismissed it, safe in the knowledge Kath is in the best hands here at the hospital. But I came in. I dropped what I was doing and took a cab across town to be here, because I knew it would break my mother’s heart if she knew how deep the fissure between her children ran.

  “I’ll call you,” I say simply, before hanging up.

  The low power warning flashes up on the screen of my phone, and I set it to battery save mode. There goes my entertainment. I slip the device into the pocket of my coat, and fidget with a frayed patch on my designer jeans. I used to feel bad about spending the amount of money I do on clothing and accessories, worried that somehow it portrayed the belief that I thought I was better than the average Joe. But that’s not why I choose to drop two hundred dollars on super-skinny denim.

  It’s because I earned the right to.

  I studied, I went without to focus on my goal, and I worked my damn arse off to get where I am now. The opportunity to work on half-million dollar apartments around the country, to coordinate their interiors and advise the elite on what style best suits their schedule, isn’t thrown in the laps of the lucky. It’s earned; fought for and won through determination and fire.

  I made my life what it is, and so I deserve the rewards, shallow as they may seem to some.

  “Ms Harris?”

  I glance up at the nurse, who looks apprehensively down at me. “Yes?”

  “They’ve collected your sister’s son. He’s here.”

  TWO

  “How did they pick him up without consent? I mean….”

  “In cases of emergency, the police are allowed to collect dependents.” The nurse glides down the corridor with a speed that belies how softly her sensible flat shoes strike the linoleum. “He doesn’t know what happened, how bad it is, just that he’ll be with you until his mum feels better.”

  I reach out and catch her elbow, bringing her to a halt. She looks down at the connection, her arm stiff around the patient files she holds close to her chest.

  “How old is he?”

  Her face says it all: He’s your nephew. How can you not know?

  “It’s complicated,” I offer. “I’m not close with my sister.”

  “He’s six.”

  If she’d said two, four even, maybe it wouldn’t have been such a surprise. But hearing that he’s six, and adding at least nine months to that timeframe, somehow makes it hurt a lot worse when I realise Kath and I had barely parted ways when she fell pregnant with him.

  And my family never said a thing. Why?

  “Where’s his father?”

  “Ms Harris, we can only do so much,” the nurse says gently. “You’ll need to discuss that with your sister when she’s well enough to talk.”

  If she’s well enough to talk.

  “Of course.” I gesture for the nurse to go ahead, and we resume our flight through the halls.

  Mint green gives way to baby blue as we cross into an area that holds no sign of the trauma we’ve left behind. Televisions strategically mounted in the top corners of the large waiting area play sitcoms; something light to lift the mood, no doubt. The furniture is plush and inviting, the toys that spill over in the children’s corner invoking a false sense of home.

  The nurse, whose name I never bothered to catch, swings left and leads me past an elderly couple reading tabloids, down to the far corner where the child I presume is my nephew is overshadowed by a uniformed officer. The space between my escort and me grows as my feet slow of their own volition; the realisation dawns that whatever this is, however this situation turns out, it’s all too real now.

  I cross my arms over myself and draw my coat over my torso as though it’s a protective shield from the harm this innocent child’s presence can inflict on a cold heart like mine. The nurse catches the officer’s eye, and jerks her head toward me, before leaving just as fluidly as she arrived.

  “Ms Harris?” His hushed tone wraps around me like a velour blanket, inviting and comfortable.

  “Yes.” I can’t look away from the dark-haired boy as he builds what appears to be a garage out of a pile of blocks.

  “You’re the mother’s next of kin?”

  I nod, my breath firmly lodged in my throat as the child looks up and questions me with his eyes. What the hell? She couldn’t have. She wouldn’t have. Would she?

  “Are you in a position to take on his care temporarily?”

  I know what Mr Smooth Operator is asking in those dulcet tones: have I got my shit together enough to be in charge of something so precious?

  I don’t know. Have I?

  “I guess.” I finally tear my gaze away from my nephew—the child whose name I don’t even know—and address the cop.

  The stunningly good-looking cop.

  The all too familiar cop.

  The cop whose head is cocked to the side as he waits for me to stop flapping my jaw soundlessly and say something.

  “Evan?” My legs weaken, and I shoot my hand out in preparation should I collapse. “When …?”

  “Hey, Amelia.” His lips quirk up in a soft smile, yet his piercing blue eyes hold all the pain I feel echoed deep in my soul.

  He left me. Right when I needed him most, he just up and left. And here he is now, when I don’t need anyone anymore, and I’m not sure what to make of that. Questio
ns float through my mind, blurring with each other as I stare at the boy I once loved—the boy I never stopped loving.

  “Why did you go?”

  “Why didn’t you call?”

  “Did you love me?”

  So many things I want to say. None of which are important given the current situation.

  “My parents are on the way,” I word vomit, still mesmerised after all these years by those striking blue eyes that are the colour of a summer day in the middle, ringed with the deeper shade of an approaching storm. “They can help.”

  He nods, gaze moving to the boy, and then back to me. Does he have questions for me too? Or am I a closed chapter in his life? An inconvenient reminder?

  More likely he’s probably wondering why I haven’t cuddled the child, said hello, or so much as acknowledged he’s my problem now.

  “What’s his name?” I whisper, the blush of shame burning at my cheeks as I avoid Evan’s stare.

  “Briar.” He frowns.

  “Okay.”

  “Pardon me for asking,” Mr Sure-grew-up-to-be-sexy asks, “but he’s your sister’s kid, correct?”

  “Right.”

  “And you don’t know his name.”

  I shake my head, not missing the fact Evan moves slightly to the side so he’s effectively body-blocking me from Briar. He’s dubious. And so he should be. It’s his job to be worried about the welfare of the innocent.

  Pity he couldn’t show that eight years ago.

  “Family problems,” I explain simply, craning my neck to look around him at the kid.

  He nods, grumbling knowingly. He was there for the start of it. He doesn’t need me to elaborate on who the problem was. He just doesn’t know the crux of it, the reason for the fallout, what happened after he left.

  “Why did you go?” I blurt, the question evading my internal filter.

  His gaze swings my way again, and he frowns. “It’s complicated.”

  “Just like using a phone was?” I can’t hold back a second longer. He left me hanging, heartbroken, and alone. He was the first boy to steal my heart, and he never gave it back.

  “Amelia.”

  I shake my head, lifting a hand to stop the placating rubbish that’s no doubt about to spill from those full lips. Besides, there’s a much more pressing issue currently manoeuvring a Hot Wheels car into the garage.

  “How much does he know?” I ask, tucking my arms tight across my body.

  Evan sighs as he removes his hat and tucks it under his arm, revealing shortly shaven hair. I admire the stretch of his uniform sleeve as it fails to adequately accommodate the swell of his biceps when he crosses his arms before him. “A little.”

  I nod, running my gaze once again over the ghost from my past I never expected to see again.

  At sixteen Evan was already big for his age; his T-shirts were always baggy, because to fit his broad shoulders he’d need to buy the next size up. But back then he was just like me—a skinny teenager, heavily into the Emo scene. I spent so many afternoons sitting opposite him outside the local shops, brushing his overgrown hair out of his face, so I could see both of those beautiful eyes. I never knew just how handsome he was underneath it all. I was in love with what I had, satisfied with the boy who owned my heart. But damn, he sure filled out to make one heck of a man.

  Evan lifts his strong jaw, and jerks his chin away from Briar. “Let’s take this a bit further away, huh?”

  I take a couple of steps to give us some form of privacy and turn back to face him. He stops short of colliding with me, apparently expecting me to have walked further away.

  “He knows his mum got hurt, but he thinks—like any child would—I’m talking about a few scratches, a bump on the head, that kind of thing.”

  “You’re partially right,” I murmur.

  “Pardon?” He squints as he takes me in.

  “She did take a bump to the head, but it was just a lot more severe than what Briar probably thinks.”

  Evan jams his hands in the front pockets of his uniform pants, drawing my attention downward. I jump on the spot when he purposefully clears his throat, and burn from shame at being busted checking out his ... seams.

  “Can I ask how your sister is?” His brow furrows, his eyes hard yet understanding. “Katherine, right?”

  “Yeah, Kath.” I shrug in answer to his initial question, falling into the nearest chair. “She lost consciousness not long after I got here, and they whipped her off to do something that takes the pressure off the brain. Apparently, she had a bleed caused by the trauma. They said they’d update me a soon as they had something definitive, but that was over an hour ago.”

  He settles in the seat beside mine, his body turned slightly toward me. “I’m sure they’re doing the best they can.”

  “Yeah.” Isn’t everyone?

  He looks across at Briar, who’s lost himself in his imaginary play again, and then over my shoulder at the vacant halls and the clerks doing their thing behind the station desk. “Look, I can stay a while if that helps, but I might get called away.”

  As though to punctuate his point, the radio on his hip crackles some garbled message that reminds me more of the teacher from Peanuts than an actual string of coherent words. I look pointedly at it, silently questioning.

  “Nothing I need to worry about.” He shakes his head. “Would you like me to stay for a bit?”

  I don’t know, do I? My head wants him to stay, would appreciate the company, yet my heart screams no. He tore a hole in my heart the day he left that never quite healed. Having him so close, close enough that I can smell his musky aftershave, hurts. Am I strong enough to deal with the suppressed feelings he unboxes?

  I have to be.

  Evan watches as I check over his shoulder at Briar, feeling the same desperate fear creep into my chest that I get every time I’m around children. “Yeah, that might be a good idea actually.”

  “He’s not as scary as he looks.”

  “I don’t know the first thing about kids.”

  “Neither did Kath when she gave birth to him. Everybody learns by jumping in the deep end.”

  If only I knew how to swim.

  Continue the journey here: http://amzn.to/2qSymGY

  FREE with Kindle Unlimited

  ALSO BY MAX

  STANDALONE

  Malaise

  Tough Love

  Echoes In The Storm

  FALLEN ACES MC SERIES

  Unrequited

  Unbreakable

  Tormented

  Existential

  Misguided

  BUTCHER BOYS SERIES

  Devil You Know

  Devil on Your Back

  Devil May Care

  Devil in the Detail

  Devil Smoke

  BANJAXED SERIES

  Pistol

  Loaded

  Recoil

  OTHERWORLD DESIRES (Paranormal)

  Battle to Become

  Methods for Mayhem

  THE MUSIC

  Listen to the songs that inspired the book here: https://open.spotify.com/TwistedHearts

  “Angel” – Massive Attack

  “Crawl Inside” – Evans Blue

  “Crazy” – ICEHOUSE

  “Huggin’ & Kissin’” – Big Black Delta

  “Judas” – Fozzy

  “Not Just A Girl” – She Wants Revenge

  “Paradise Circus” – Massive Attack

  “Perpetual” – VNV Nation

  “Song #3” – Stone Sour

  “Sorry” – Meg Myers

  “Tear You Apart” – She Wants Revenge

  “Teardrop” – Massive Attack

  “These Things” – She Wants Revenge

  “Undisclosed Desires” – Muse

  “Until It’s Gone” – Linkin Park

  “Waking Lions” – Pop Evil

  “You & Me” – Disclosure, ELIZA, Flume

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Born and raised in Canterbury,
New Zealand, Max now resides with her family in beautiful and sunny Queensland, Australia.

  Life with two young children can be hectic at times, and although she may not write as often as she would like, Max wouldn’t change a thing.

  In her down time, Max can be found at her local gym, brain-storming through a session with the weights. If not, she’s probably out drooling over one of many classic cars on show that she wishes she owned.

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