The boy went into the bathroom to wash. When he returned to his room Parvez sprang across the hall and set his ear at Ali’s door. A muttering sound came from within. Parvez was puzzled but relieved.
Once this clue had been established, Parvez watched him at other times. The boy was praying. Without fail, when he was at home, he prayed five times a day.
Parvez had grown up in Lahore where all the boys had been taught the Koran. To stop him falling asleep when he studied, the Moulvi had attached a piece of string to the ceiling and tied it to Parvez’s hair, so that if his head fell forward, he would instantly awake. After this indignity Parvez had avoided all religions. Not that the other taxi drivers had more respect. In fact they made jokes about the local mullahs walking around with their caps and beards, thinking they could tell people how to live, while their eyes roved over the boys and girls in their care.
Parvez described to Bettina what he had discovered. He informed the men in the taxi office. The friends, who had been so curious before, now became oddly silent. They could hardly condemn the boy for his devotions.
Parvez decided to take a night off and go out with the boy. They could talk things over. He wanted to hear how things were going at college; he wanted to tell him stories about their family in Pakistan. More than anything he yearned to understand how Ali had discovered the ‘spiritual dimension’, as Bettina described it.
To Parvez’s surprise, the boy refused to accompany him. He claimed he had an appointment. Parvez had to insist that no appointment could be more important than that of a son with his father.
The next day, Parvez went immediately to the street where Bettina stood in the rain wearing high heels, a short skirt and a long mac on top, which she would open hopefully at passing cars.
‘Get in, get in!’ he said.
They drove out across the moors and parked at the spot where on better days, with a view unimpeded for many miles by nothing but wild deer and horses, they’d lie back, with their eyes half closed, saying ‘This is the life.’ This time Parvez was trembling. Bettina put her arms around him.
‘What’s happened?’
‘I’ve just had the worst experience of my life.’
As Bettina rubbed his head Parvez told her that the previous evening he and Ali had gone to a restaurant. As they studied the menu, the waiter, whom Parvez knew, brought him his usual whisky and water. Parvez had been so nervous he had even prepared a question. He was going to ask Ali if he was worried about his imminent exams. But first, wanting to relax, he loosened his tie, crunched a popadom and took a long drink.
Before Parvez could speak, Ali made a face.
‘Don’t you know it’s wrong to drink alcohol?’ he said.
‘He spoke to me very harshly,’ Parvez told Bettina. ‘I was about to castigate the boy for being insolent, but managed to control myself.’
He had explained patiently to Ali that for years he had worked more than ten hours a day, that he had few enjoyments or hobbies and never went on holiday. Surely it wasn’t a crime to have a drink when he wanted one?
‘But it is forbidden,’ the boy said.
Parvez shrugged, ‘I know.’
‘And so is gambling, isn’t it?’
‘Yes. But surely we are only human?’
Each time Parvez took a drink, the boy winced, or made a fastidious face as an accompaniment. This made Parvez drink more quickly. The waiter, wanting to please his friend, brought another glass of whisky. Parvez knew he was getting drunk, but he couldn’t stop himself. Ali had a horrible look on his face, full of disgust and censure. It was as if he hated his father.
Halfway through the meal Parvez suddenly lost his temper and threw a plate on the floor. He had felt like ripping the cloth from the table, but the waiters and other customers were staring at him. Yet he wouldn’t stand for his own son telling him the difference between right and wrong. He knew he wasn’t a bad man. He had a conscience. There were a few things of which he was ashamed, but on the whole he had lived a decent life.
‘When have I had time to be wicked?’ he asked Ali.
In a low monotonous voice the boy explained that Parvez had not, in fact, lived a good life. He had broken countless rules of the Koran.
‘For instance?’ Parvez demanded.
Ali hadn’t needed time to think. As if he had been waiting for this moment, he asked his father if he didn’t relish pork pies?
‘Well …’
Parvez couldn’t deny that he loved crispy bacon smothered with mushrooms and mustard and sandwiched between slices of fried bread. In fact he ate this for breakfast every morning.
Ali then reminded Parvez that he had ordered his own wife to cook pork sausages, saying to her, ‘You’re not in the village now, this is England. We have to fit in!’
Parvez was so annoyed and perplexed by this attack that he called for more drink.
‘The problem is this,’ the boy said. He leaned across the table. For the first time that night his eyes were alive. ‘You are too implicated in Western civilisation.’
Parvez burped; he thought he was going to choke. ‘Implicated!’ he said. ‘But we live here!’
‘The Western materialists hate us,’ Ali said. ‘Papa, how can you love something which hates you?’
‘What is the answer then?’ Parvez said miserably. ‘According to you.’
Ali addressed his father fluently, as if Parvez were a rowdy crowd that had to be quelled and convinced. The Law of Islam would rule the world; the skin of the infidel would burn off again and again; the Jews and Christers would be routed. The West was a sink of hypocrites, adulterers, homosexuals, drug takers and prostitutes.
As Ali talked, Parvez looked out of the window as if to check that they were still in London.
‘My people have taken enough. If the persecution doesn’t stop there will be jihad. I, and millions of others, will gladly give our lives for the cause.’
‘But why, why?’ Parvez said.
‘For us the reward will be in paradise.’
‘Paradise!’
Finally, as Parvez’s eyes filled with tears, the boy urged him to mend his ways.
‘How is that possible?’ Parvez asked.
‘Pray,’ Ali said. ‘Pray beside me.’
Parvez called for the bill and ushered his boy out of the restaurant as soon as he was able. He couldn’t take any more. Ali sounded as if he’d swallowed someone else’s voice.
On the way home the boy sat in the back of the taxi, as if he were a customer.
‘What has made you like this?’ Parvez asked him, afraid that somehow he was to blame for all this. ‘Is there a particular event which has influenced you?’
‘Living in this country.’
‘But I love England,’ Parvez said, watching his boy in the mirror. ‘They let you do almost anything here.’
‘That is the problem,’ he replied.
For the first time in years Parvez couldn’t see straight. He knocked the side of the car against a lorry, ripping off the wing mirror. They were lucky not to have been stopped by the police: Parvez would have lost his licence and therefore his job.
Getting out of the car back at the house, Parvez stumbled and fell in the road, scraping his hands and ripping his trousers. He managed to haul himself up. The boy didn’t even offer him his hand.
Parvez told Bettina he was now willing to pray, if that was what the boy wanted, if that would dislodge the pitiless look from his eyes.
‘But what I object to,’ he said, ‘is being told by my own son that I am going to hell!’
What finished Parvez off was that the boy had said he was giving up accountancy. When Parvez had asked why, Ali had said sarcastically that it was obvious.
‘Western education cultivates an anti-religious attitude.’
And, according to Ali, in the world of accountants it was usual to meet women, drink alcohol and practise usury.
‘But it’s well-paid work,’ Parvez argued. ‘For years you’ve bee
n preparing!’
Ali said he was going to begin to work in prisons, with poor Muslims who were struggling to maintain their purity in the face of corruption. Finally, at the end of the evening, as Ali was going to bed, he had asked his father why he didn’t have a beard, or at least a moustache.
‘I feel as if I’ve lost my son,’ Parvez told Bettina. ‘I can’t bear to be looked at as if I’m a criminal. I’ve decided what to do.’
‘What is it?’
‘I’m going to tell him to pick up his prayer mat and get out of my house. It will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but tonight I’m going to do it.’
‘But you mustn’t give up on him,’ said Bettina. ‘Many young people fall into cults and superstitious groups. It doesn’t mean they’ll always feel the same way.’
She said Parvez had to stick by his boy, giving him support, until he came through.
Parvez was persuaded that she was right, even though he didn’t feel like giving his son more love when he had hardly been thanked for all he had already given.
Nevertheless, Parvez tried to endure his son’s looks and reproaches. He attempted to make conversation about his beliefs. But if Parvez ventured any criticism, Ali always had a brusque reply. On one occasion Ali accused Parvez of ‘grovelling’ to the whites; in contrast, he explained, he was not ‘inferior’; there was more to the world than the West, though the West always thought it was best.
‘How is it you know that?’ Parvez said, ‘seeing as you’ve never left England?’
Ali replied with a look of contempt.
One night, having ensured there was no alcohol on his breath, Parvez sat down at the kitchen table with Ali. He hoped Ali would compliment him on the beard he was growing but Ali didn’t appear to notice.
The previous day Parvez had been telling Bettina that he thought people in the West sometimes felt inwardly empty and that people needed a philosophy to live by.
‘Yes,’ said Bettina, ‘That’s the answer. You must tell him what your philosophy of life is. Then he will understand that there are other beliefs.’
After some fatiguing consideration, Parvez was ready to begin. The boy watched him as if he expected nothing.
Haltingly Parvez said that people had to treat one another with respect, particularly children their parents. This did seem, for a moment, to affect the boy. Heartened, Parvez continued. In his view this life was all there was and when you died you rotted in the earth. ‘Grass and flowers will grow out of me, but something of me will live on –’
‘How?’
‘In other people. I will continue – in you.’ At this the boy appeared a little distressed. ‘And your grandchildren,’ Parvez added for good measure. ‘But while I am here on earth I want to make the best of it. And I want you to, as well!’
‘What d’you mean by “make the best of it”?’ asked the boy.
‘Well,’ said Parvez. ‘For a start … you should enjoy yourself. Yes. Enjoy yourself without hurting others.’
Ali said that enjoyment was a ‘bottomless pit’.
‘But I don’t mean enjoyment like that!’ said Parvez. ‘I mean the beauty of living!’
‘All over the world our people are oppressed,’ was the boy’s reply.
‘I know,’ Parvez replied, not entirely sure who ‘our people’ were, ‘but still – life is for living!’
Ali said, ‘Real morality has existed for hundreds of years. Around the world millions and millions of people share my beliefs. Are you saying you are right and they are all wrong?’
Ali looked at his father with such aggressive confidence that Parvez could say no more.
One evening Bettina was sitting in Parvez’s car, after visiting a client, when they passed a boy on the street.
‘That’s my son,’ Parvez said suddenly. They were on the other side of town, in a poor district, where there were two mosques.
Parvez set his face hard.
Bettina turned to watch him. ‘Slow down then, slow down!’ She said, ‘He’s good-looking. Reminds me of you. But with a more determined face. Please, can’t we stop?’
‘What for?’
‘I’d like to talk to him.’
Parvez turned the cab round and stopped beside the boy.
‘Coming home?’ Parvez asked. ‘It’s quite a way.’
The sullen boy shrugged and got into the back seat. Bettina sat in the front. Parvez became aware of Bettina’s short skirt, gaudy rings and ice-blue eyeshadow. He became conscious that the smell of her perfume, which he loved, filled the cab. He opened the window.
While Parvez drove as fast as he could, Bettina said gently to Ali, ‘Where have you been?’
‘The mosque,’ he said.
‘And how are you getting on at college? Are you working hard?’
‘Who are you to ask me these questions?’ he said, looking out of the window. Then they hit bad traffic and the car came to a standstill.
By now Bettina had inadvertently laid her hand on Parvez’s shoulder. She said, ‘Your father, who is a good man, is very worried about you. You know he loves you more than his own life.’
‘You say he loves me,’ the boy said.
‘Yes!’ said Bettina.
‘Then why is he letting a woman like you touch him like that?’
If Bettina looked at the boy in anger, he looked back at her with twice as much cold fury.
She said, ‘What kind of woman am I that deserves to be spoken to like that?’
‘You know,’ he said. ‘Now let me out.’
‘Never,’ Parvez replied.
‘Don’t worry, I’m getting out,’ Bettina said.
‘No, don’t!’ said Parvez. But even as the car moved she opened the door, threw herself out and ran away across the road. Parvez shouted after her several times, but she had gone.
Parvez took Ali back to the house, saying nothing more to him. Ali went straight to his room. Parvez was unable to read the paper, watch television or even sit down. He kept pouring himself drinks.
At last he went upstairs and paced up and down outside Ali’s room. When, finally, he opened the door, Ali was praying. The boy didn’t even glance his way.
Parvez kicked him over. Then he dragged the boy up by his shirt and hit him. The boy fell back. Parvez hit him again. The boy’s face was bloody. Parvez was panting. He knew that the boy was unreachable, but he struck him nonetheless. The boy neither covered himself nor retaliated; there was no fear in his eyes. He only said, through his split lip: ‘So who’s the fanatic now?’
The Tale of the Turd
I’m at this dinner. She’s eighteen. After knowing her six months I’ve been invited to meet her parents. I am, to my surprise, forty-four, same age as her dad, a professor – a man of some achievement, but not that much. He is looking at me or, as I imagine, looking me over. The girl-woman will always be his daughter, but for now she is my lover.
Her two younger sisters are at the table, also beautiful, but with a tendency to giggle, particularly when facing in my direction. The mother, a teacher, is putting a soft pink trout on the table. I think, for once, yes, this is the life, what they call a happy family, they’ve asked to meet me, why not settle down and enjoy it?
But what happens, the moment I’m comfortable I’ve got to have a crap. In all things I’m irregular. It’s been two days now and not a dry pellet. And the moment I sit down in my better clothes with the family I’ve got to go.
These are good people but they’re a little severe. I am accompanied by disadvantages – my age, no job, never had one, and my … tendencies. I like to say, though I won’t tonight – unless things get out of hand – that my profession is failure. After years of practice, I’m quite a success at it.
On the way here I stopped off for a couple of drinks, otherwise I’d never have come through the door, and now I’m sipping wine and discussing the latest films not too facetiously and my hands aren’t shaking and my little girl is down the table smiling at me warm and encouragin
g. Everything is normal, you see, except for this gut ache, which is getting worse, you know how it is when you’ve got to go. But I won’t get upset, I’ll have a crap, feel better and then eat.
I ask one of the sisters where the bathroom is and kindly she points at a door It must be the nearest, thank Christ, and I get across the room stooping a little but no way the family’s gonna see me as a hunchback.
I sit down concerned they’re gonna hear every splash but it’s too late: the knotty little head is already pushing out, a flower coming through the earth, but thick and long and I’m not even straining, I can feel its soft motion through my gut, in one piece. It’s been awaiting its moment the way things do, like love. I close my eyes and appreciate the relief as the corpse of days past slides into its watery grave.
When I’m finished I can’t resist glancing down – even the Queen does this – and the turd is complete, wide as an aubergine and purplish too. It’s flecked with carrot, I notice, taking a closer look, but, ah, probably that’s tomato, I remember now, practically the only thing I’ve eaten in twenty-four hours.
I flush the toilet and check my look. Tired and greying I am now, with a cut above my eye and a bruise on my cheek, but I’ve shaved and feel as okay as I ever will, still with the boyish smile that says I can’t harm you. And waiting is the girl who loves me, the last of many, I hope, who sends me vibrations of confidence.
My hand is on the door when I glance down and see the prow of the turd turning the bend. Oh no, it’s floating in the pan again and I’m bending over for a better look. It’s one of the biggest turds I’ve ever seen. The flushing downpour has rinsed it and there is no doubt that as turds go it is exquisite, flecked and inlaid like a mosaic depicting, perhaps, a historical scene. I can make out large figures going at one another in argument. The faces I’m sure I’ve seen before, I can see some words but I haven’t got my glasses to hand.
Love in a Blue Time Page 13
