Love in a Blue Time

by Hanif Kureishi

  She lost heart. She climbed into the car feeling stupid.

  ‘Typical of the sentimental unemployed,’ Vance said, closing his eyes, the better to concentrate on his opinions. Karen was driving. ‘They think people are suffering because I’ve taken their money. They think I don’t care. That I see an unemployed man and woman who can’t feed their kids or pay the mortgage, and I fall about laughing. Meanwhile he swaggers around at exhibitions, museums and theatres, passing judgement, puffing himself up.’

  ‘Music and books,’ said Bodger, ‘The best things in life. Reason for living. What men and women make. The best. And what will remain of us, if anything.’

  Vance went on, ‘You’ll never find one of these people – whose dole I provide – sticking out their hand and saying, thank you for wanting to be rich, thank you for making this country run and for taking risks! There’s more and more of them about. People don’t contribute. What we’ll do with them is the problem of our time.’

  Bodger said, ‘Lisa. She said something simplistic. And you’re jumping on her because you hate Rocco. But she’s a lovely woman!’

  ‘Bodger, if you met a man who giggled all day and never worked, you’d say, a job will do you good. But you let her off because she’s a beautiful woman.’

  ‘What would you do with her, then? Hit her?’

  Vance said, ‘I might let her peel my potatoes.’

  7

  It would be too hot to sleep. Even with the windows open the air was not disturbed. Lisa sat down and looked at Rocco.

  ‘Why did you speak to me like that? Rocco, please.’ He was pulling something from his pocket. ‘What’s that?’

  ‘It came for you.’

  ‘When?’

  ‘The other day.’

  ‘Which day?’

  ‘Read it.’

  He went into the bedroom and lay down in the dark.

  She was weeping. ‘Rocco.’ Thinking he was standing behind her chair, she sobbed, ‘Why didn’t you tell me this? I wouldn’t have gone on the rotten picnic and laughed like that. Moon said such dirty things to me, I think I’m losing my mind.’

  He was suffocating. He put his fingers in his ears. Then he climbed through the window, over the fence, and went down the street. Above his head a brightly lit train shot across a bridge.

  Rocco peeped through Bodger’s windows.

  ‘Are you asleep? Hey. What’s happening?’

  He heard some coughing. Then, ‘What d’you think I’m doing at this time?’

  Bodger stood there in his underpants scratching.

  ‘I’m going to kill myself, Bodger.’

  ‘Thanks for the information.’

  ‘Put the light on! I can’t stay at home. You’re my only friend and my only hope. Bodger, I’ve got to get away from here.’

  Bodger let him in and put three bottles of wine and a bowl of cherries on the table.

  ‘I want to talk.’

  It was a monologue, of course, but Bodger – unfortunately for him – considered Rocco to be the only person in town worth talking to.

  ‘How much frustration can a person bear?’ Rocco asked. ‘How much should one bear? Is stoicism a great or a foolish thing? Without it life would be unliveable. But if there’s too much of it, nothing happens, and you can only ask, why are you stopping new shapes forming?’ Without waiting for Bodger to express an opinion, he said, ‘Please lend me the money to get away. I only need enough to last a few weeks, until I get a room or a flat. If you can lend me a grand, I’d be grateful.’

  ‘One thousand pounds!’

  ‘London’s expensive. Seven hundred and fifty would do it.’

  ‘You already owe me more than that.’

  ‘You think I don’t know that?’

  Bodger said, ‘I’ll have to borrow it myself. I haven’t got any loose cash. I went on that holiday. I’ve got the mortgage, my mother, and I bought the car. I –’

  Rocco could tell that his friend didn’t want to let him down. To cheer him up, Rocco offered Bodger one of the cherries and poured him some of his own wine.

  ‘What about Lisa?’ said Bodger. ‘She’s not staying here, is she?’

  ‘I’m going to set things up in London for her. She’ll join me after. If there’s two of us there at first, it’ll cost twice as much.’

  ‘I’ll miss you both,’ said Bodger.

  He raised his glass. ‘You’re a good man. I love you. Come with us.’

  ‘Oh God, why do you have to be so weak? Can’t you make up with Vance before you go?’

  ‘I’m going to try. But I’m too lazy and useless for him. The only thing is, you don’t know how he treats his staff. He’s the sort of person who thinks that the more ruthless, cruel and domineering they are, the better boss they’ll be. You wouldn’t work five minutes for him. Poor Vance, why doesn’t someone tell him the eighties are over?’

  Rocco drank and ate the cherries cheerfully. ‘People exist for him not as interesting human beings, but as entities to work. I’m surprised he hasn’t suggested the weak be exterminated. And all this to make our society more affluent, more rationalised, more efficient. Will that bring happiness to people?’

  ‘Aren’t you trying to exterminate Lisa?’

  Rocco sat back. ‘I don’t understand your problem, Bodger. One only sees these things as tragic if one has a certain view of relationships. That they mustn’t end. That their ending is tragic rather than painful. That the duration of a relationship is the only measure of its success. Why see it like that?’

  ‘People aren’t disposable items, are they? It’s chilling, Rocco. You sound rational and ruthless at the same time, not always a propitious combination, as you surely know.’

  ‘Certain people are good for certain things and not for others. One wants something from some people, and they want something from you. You go on until there’s nothing more.’

  ‘Vance would agree with you.’

  ‘Yes. I see that. I’m not saying it’s not painful. Only tonight I believe in another possible future. Will it kill you to give me that chance?’

  ‘Not immediately.’ He started to put the drinks away. ‘I must go to bed.’

  Rocco was lying across the sofa with a bottle in his hand. ‘Can I stay?’

  He would sit up all night and listen to Bodger’s classical records. Even though Rocco would weep at certain musical passages, Bodger liked having someone there.

  8

  Three days after the picnic Lisa opened the door to find Karen standing there with her son. When she saw Lisa was in, she sent the boy to play football in the garden and stepped inside. It was the first time Karen had been inside the cottage, and even as she looked around disapprovingly she was saying, ‘Is it true, your husband died?’

  Lisa wondered why she had come. They had never been friends. In fact Karen had often been condescending towards her. Perhaps there was something she had to tell her. But what?

  Lisa said, ‘It is true.’

  ‘Is that terrible?’

  Lisa shrugged.

  ‘Oh God, Lisa.’ For a moment Karen hugged her.’ ‘It makes me think of Vance dying.’ Looking over Lisa’s shoulder she said, ‘Books everywhere. Didn’t you go to college?’

  ‘University.’

  ‘Is there a difference? I’m a pea brain. I expect you’ve noticed. What did you do there?’

  ‘Had a lovely time at parties. And read – stuff I’d never read again.’

  ‘Poetry?’

  ‘Psychology. My husband – the, er, dead man – was a lecturer.’

  ‘I’d like to read books. Except I don’t know where to start. People who read too much are snobby, though.’

  Lisa said, ‘I know I didn’t make enough of it. All that free education, and no one told me not to waste it. No one had my best interests at heart – least of all me. Isn’t that funny?’

  Karen said, ‘You can get married to Rocco now.’

  ‘But I haven’t lived yet.’

  ‘
I’ll tell you, from experience – marriage will make you secure. I know I’m all right with Vance and he’ll take care of me. If I ask for something he writes a cheque.’

  Lisa just laughed.

  Karen look startled. ‘You think he’ll run off with someone else?’

  ‘Do you?’

  ‘Soon we’re going to get out of here. In the next few years.’

  ‘So are we.’

  ‘But when though, when? Vance keeps saying we will but I know it won’t happen!’ Karen stood watching her son in the garden. She began to tug at her hair. ‘The worst marriages – they aren’t the most violent or stifling. Or the cruellest even. You could take action then. It would be obvious. The worst are the ones that are just wrong. People stay because it takes ten years to realise it, and those years are thrown away and you don’t know where.’

  Lisa murmured, ‘I woke up startled the other night. He was kissing me.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘He didn’t know he was doing it. All over my face. Rocco’s at his sweetest when he’s unconscious.’

  ‘You know, he did this thing with me once,’ Karen said. Lisa looked up at her. ‘He was carrying a book of poems. I said, “What’s that junk about?” “Listen,” he said, and read me this one song. It made me feel strange. He made me see what it was about. Vance never liked Rocco. Or you.’

  ‘Have we ever harmed anyone? Vance can be very hard.’

  ‘D’you think so?’

  ‘How d’you stand all that rushing about?’ asked Lisa. ‘More like thrashing about, actually.’

  ‘We went to the Caribbean. But Vance was always busy. He says I’m out of focus. Men only think about work … they never think about love, only sex. I always get up before Vance, to clean my teeth and shower so he won’t see me looking ugly. He doesn’t like my accent.’

  ‘What d’you mean?’

  ‘He hears me in front of other people, in a restaurant in London, or in front of you –’

  ‘Me?’

  ‘And he looks at me as if he’s never seen me before. He says we’ve got to change if we’re going to get anywhere.’ Suddenly she cried out, ‘What’s that?’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘There – on the table.’

  ‘An ant.’

  ‘Kill it!’

  Lisa smiled.

  Karen stood up. ‘They’re swarming everywhere! It’s unsanitary!’ She sat down again and tried not to look around, but said, in her confusion, ‘Don’t you ever want to … to go to bed with another person, someone else?’

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘Just to try another body. Another thingy. You know.’

  Lisa was about to say something but only cleared her throat.

  Karen said, ‘Is that your only dress? Haven’t you got anything else? Moon says you’re always in the shop.’

  ‘I like this dress. It’s cool.’

  ‘Vance might have to close that place. You’re the only person who goes in there.’

  ‘And the club?’

  ‘Vance doesn’t tell me much.’ She said, ‘A lot of the men round here go for you. Like Moon.’

  ‘Oh Moon,’ sighed Lisa. ‘As Rocco said, Moon’s on another planet. Men think that if they put their hands on you or say filthy things you’ll want them.’

  ‘Only if you ask for it,’ Karen replied sharply. ‘What will you live on in London?’

  ‘I’ll … I’ll do journalism. I’ve been thinking about some ideas.’

  Karen nodded. ‘A single woman in London. That’s a popular scenario. Thing is,’ she said, ‘however much a woman wants a career, for most of us it’s a load of daydreams. We aren’t going to make enough to have a top-class life. The only way to get that is to marry the right guy. You might be brainy, but without money you can’t do nothing.’

  ‘Money! Why do people have to have so much of it?’

  ‘People are so envious, it’s dirty envy, it makes me mad. They want what we have but won’t do anything to get it.’

  Waves of heat rolled through Lisa’s body; if only the top of her head were hinged and she could let them out.

  She said, ‘People say of the young people in this town … that we don’t want to do anything. It’s not true. Just give us a chance, we say.’ Before Karen could speak again, Lisa went on, ‘Did you come for any reason?’

  Karen looked surprised. ‘Only to talk.’

  Lisa was thinking of other things. Her demeanour changed. ‘I want to do so much. To learn to sing and dance. To paint. To row on the river. To play guitar and drums. I can’t wait to begin my life!’

  When she left Karen insisted on kissing Lisa again.

  Lisa felt dizzy and feverish. She stepped out of her dress and rolled herself into a ball, under a sheet. She was thirsty, but there was no one to bring her a drink.

  She awoke to find Rocco apologising for his rudeness at the picnic.

  She cried out, ‘Oh God, that woman Karen has done me in!’

  ‘What was she here for? What did she say?’

  Rocco noticed the blood on the sheet and went immediately to fetch Bodger.

  ‘Did they teach you at medical school to hold onto your patients’ hands that long, while whispering in their ears?’ enquired Rocco when Bodger came out of the room.

  ‘So you’re jealous?’ said Bodger. ‘You don’t want me to go out with her?’

  ‘If you sorted out the money and I got out, you’d be welcome to have a go.’

  ‘I’m trying to get the money,’ said Bodger, glancing back at the door in embarrassment. ‘But I’m a doctor, not a financier.’

  ‘I’ve never known a doctor to be short of money.’

  Bodger’s voice squeaked. ‘You’re arrogant! I haven’t had time to go to the bank. Are you still sure you want to get out?’

  ‘If I can’t get away by Saturday I’m going to go insane!’

  ‘All right, all right!’

  ‘What about by Friday morning?’ Rocco put his mouth close to Bodger’s ear and whispered. ‘When I’m gone, she’s all yours. If you knew how I’ve been praising you!’

  ‘Have you?’

  ‘Oh yes. She likes men. A lot of women do.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘But they keep it to themselves – for fear of encouraging the wrong sort.’

  Bodger couldn’t help believing him.

  9

  ‘You don’t look well,’ said Vance as Bodger came into the restaurant. ‘Shall I call a doctor?’

  ‘I thought I’d see the enterprise culture at work,’ shouted Bodger over the music, removing his bicycle clips and putting his hands over his ears. ‘Without conversation, clearly. What, er, are you up to?’

  ‘Creating work, satisfying demand, succeeding.’

  ‘Lend me £300, will you, Vance? No, £400.’

  Vance put his arm around him.

  ‘The place next door is for sale. Come and look. I’m thinking of buying it and knocking through. Put the kitchen in there. More tables here.’ While Bodger looked around the almost empty restaurant Vance spoke to a waitress. ‘Better food, too.’ The waitress returned; Vance put the money on the table with his hand on top of it. ‘If it’s for Rocco you can forget it.

  ‘What if it is? That would be none of your business!’

  ‘I won’t let you lend money to any sad sack.’

  Bodger waved his arms. ‘It is for him! But no one tells me what to do!’

  ‘Shhh … People are eating.’

  Feather, who was writing her journal at the next table, started laughing.

  Bodger said, ‘Don’t be inhumane. You think you’re letting people be independent, but really you’re just letting them down. How can it be wrong to help others?’

  ‘But I’m all for charity. Is Rocco going away?’ Bodger nodded. ‘Without her?’

  ‘At first.’

  ‘The bastard’s doing a runner. With my money! He’s going to leave her behind. You’ll get stuck with her.’

  ‘Will I?’
>
  Vance regarded him beadily. ‘You want her?’ Bodger gulped. ‘Do you?’

  ‘I would love her.’

  ‘I can’t guarantee to lay on love, but she’ll sleep with you.’

  ‘Are you certain? Did she mention it?’

  ‘She’d do it with anyone. Haven’t you asked her yet?’

  ‘Asked?’ Bodger was shivering. ‘Once I’d said it … if she said yes, I’d be too excited, you know, to do anything. I sort of imagine that there are, out there, people who know how to ask for everything they want. They’re not afraid of being rejected or laughed at, or of being so nervous that they can’t even speak. But I’m not one of them.’

  ‘You’ll soon get sick of Lisa. She’ll be so expensive to run. Can’t imagine her working. High ideals and no prospects. Your great friend Rocco is making you an idiot.’

  ‘I’ll make him promise to take her with him.’

  ‘Promise! In a year you’ll run into him in London doing your Christmas shopping, and he’ll be with another woman saying this time it’s true love.’

  Bodger put his head in his hands.

  Vance said at last, ‘You’re a good man and people respect you. But this is weakness.’ He passed the money over. ‘There’s one condition. Lisa goes with him. If she doesn’t, I’ll kick his backside into the sea.’

  10

  Next day, a Thursday, Karen closed a part of the restaurant and held a small party for her son’s birthday. When Rocco and Lisa arrived Vance was giving the boy his present.

  ‘He’s going to be a businessman,’ Vance told Bodger. ‘But not in this country.’

  ‘What’s wrong with this country?’

  Vance was looking across at Rocco and Lisa.

  ‘That woman doesn’t know she is about to be betrayed, does she? Or have you spoken to him?’

  ‘Not yet.’

  Vance told the waitress to give them drinks and then said, ‘Sometimes I look around and think I’m the only person working in England – keeping everyone else alive, paying ridiculous taxes. Maybe I’ll just give up too, chuck it all in, and sit in the pub.’

  ‘Someone’s got to run the pub, Vance.’