I Swapped My Brother On The Internet

by Jo Simmons

  Jonny hopped on to Ted’s bike, wobbled a bit and began cruising down the pavement. Only then did he realise that his feet could barely reach the pedals.

  ‘Are you meant to wobble like that?’ Mervyn called. ‘Wow, you’re going very fast, Jonny! I like that shouty noise you’re making! Watch out for that creature in the way! Is it a seal? Mind the big green thing … Oh help, you crashed right into it. Is that fun, or … ? It looks slightly painful. Are you meant to do that? Hang on, you’re stuck …’

  The creature Jonny had swerved to avoid was not a seal. It was Stanley. Or Fat Stanley, as Jonny and Ted called him. He was the overweight cat belonging to their neighbour, Mrs Algernon. By avoiding Stanley, Jonny had crashed straight into her hedge.

  This was not good. Firstly, because Mrs Algernon took pride in the neatness of her hedge, but also because she was known for being grim and serious, so the chances of her finding Jonny’s crash at all funny were basically zero. Jonny had never seen her smile – ever! It was like she didn’t believe in smiling. By the time Mervyn caught up with him, Mrs Algernon had come out of her house. She looked properly miffed. Of course …

  ‘You’ve dented my privet,’ she said.

  Jonny’s head and shoulders were still trapped in the hedge. Mervyn helped pull him out. Jonny fell backwards on to the pavement and tugged a handful of twigs out of his hair. ‘Sorry!’ he said, when he saw Mrs Algernon glowering.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Mervyn asked.

  ‘Think so,’ said Jonny. ‘I meant to do that. Absolutely! All part of the plan, you know?’

  Mervyn looked confused.

  ‘All right, so the falling into the hedge bit wasn’t quite what I meant to do,’ said Jonny. He brushed some leaves off his sleeve.

  ‘It wasn’t completely my fault! I mean, the bike is way bigger than I realised, and then Stanley was there and I had to swerve to avoid him, and then the hedge was there and I had to …’ Jonny petered out. ‘OK, it was a disaster!’

  Mervyn began to laugh. Then Jonny laughed too. Then both boys glanced at Mrs Algernon, whose face looked stern enough to split boulders. And that was it. The two boys collapsed into uncontrollable giggles while Mrs Algernon continued to glare at them, arms folded across her considerable bosom. Finally, Jonny pulled himself together.

  ‘Lucky your hedge was there,’ he said to Mrs Algernon. Her expression suggested she didn’t agree. ‘I’m teaching him to ride a bike,’ he added, pointing at Mervyn.

  Mrs Algernon raised her eyebrows. ‘If you so much as look at my hedge again, let alone touch it, land in it, dent it or damage it in any way whatsoever, you will feel the full force of my fury,’ she said.

  ‘Sure thing, Mrs A,’ said Jonny, saluting and then wincing.

  ‘Are you hurt?’ Mervyn asked.

  ‘I’ll be fine, but thanks for asking. Ted, my old brother, would have really taken the mickey out of me if he’d just seen me fall into a hedge.’

  ‘Well, I’m not Ted,’ said Mervyn.

  ‘No,’ said Jonny, smiling. ‘You’re really not!’

  CHAPTER SIX

  FISHY BUSINESS

  When the boys got home, Jonny’s mum was in the kitchen, laying the table.

  ‘It’s fish fingers for dinner,’ she said. ‘Your friend’s welcome to stay, Jonny.’

  ‘This is Mervyn,’ said Jonny, but his mum didn’t hear. She was searching for the ketchup, her head deep inside a kitchen cupboard.

  ‘Fish fingers again,’ said Jonny. ‘I should have guessed. My friend George has this uncle who’s always trying new schemes to make money and whatnot, and the last thing he was doing was selling fish fingers. Only he couldn’t. Sell them all, that is, so he’s gone on to some other new business idea, I suppose, and George has given us boxes and boxes of the fish fingers he doesn’t want. Hey, are you OK?’

  Mervyn was drooling.

  ‘Yes, sorry,’ he said, wiping the dribble on his sleeve.

  Mervyn ate greedily at dinner, picking up the fish fingers in his hands and devouring them. He chomped noisily too, his mouth open, the fish fingers tumbling around it like pants in a washing machine.

  ‘I must tell George how much you’re enjoying his uncle’s fish fingers,’ said Jonny, as Mervyn stuffed one after another into his mouth. ‘Personally, I’m a bit over them, but …’

  Mervyn kept on chomping.

  ‘Why don’t you have some chips too?’ said Jonny as Mervyn grabbed another fish finger. ‘Chips are the food of the angels. Or some ketchup? I call this magic sauce, because it makes everything taste good.’

  Mervyn didn’t respond. He was too busy guzzling.

  ‘Leave some room, Merv,’ said Jonny. ‘There’s ice cream for pudding.’

  Mervyn just shook his head and carried on chomping.

  ‘We should probably keep a few back for Jonny’s brother, Ted,’ said Jonny’s mum. ‘He’ll be home soon.’

  ‘He’s at Jim’s house,’ Jonny said quickly. ‘Staying the whole weekend, I think.’

  ‘Is he?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Jonny. ‘Remember?’

  ‘Do I remember?’ said his mum, giving it some thought. ‘No, I don’t. But I’m sure you’re right, Jonny. I’d forget my head if it wasn’t screwed on! I think I’m getting worse. At remembering. Am I getting worse?’

  ‘No, Mum, you’re perfect,’ he said, but inside he was doing a huge Phew! Thank heavens his mum was a bit vague sometimes. It meant she believed Ted was away for the weekend. The coast was clear! The weekend was here. Jonny now had lots of free time to get to know his new brother.

  ‘Maybe we could go swimming tomorrow?’ Jonny suggested.

  ‘Ooh yes!’ Mervyn said. ‘But actually, no, perhaps not, I’m not sure about that.’

  ‘Why not? You love swimming. You said.’

  ‘I’ve got a bit of a cold,’ said Mervyn.

  ‘You seem fine.’

  ‘Tummy ache, I mean.’

  ‘Probably because you just ate three hundred and sixty-two fish fingers,’ said Jonny.

  ‘I might go and have a bath,’ said Mervyn.

  ‘Really? Wouldn’t you prefer another bike lesson? Or a go on the Xbox?’

  But Mervyn was already on his way upstairs. Seconds later Jonny heard the lock on the bathroom door click.

  Jonny wasn’t a huge fan of baths. Mervyn, though, seemed to really love having a bath, because he was in there for ages. Take the amount of time a bath-lover might spend in the tub, and then add on another half an hour. At least.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Jonny asked eventually, banging on the bathroom door. ‘You’ve been in there for about six years. You haven’t drowned, have you?’

  Mervyn made a strange squeaky sound. Had he sat on a guinea pig? Was he in pain? Then Jonny heard splashing. Loud, major splashing.

  ‘Mervyn?’ he said. ‘That’s a lot of splashing. What’s going on?’

  More really splashy splashing.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Jonny shouted through the door. ‘Did you get your toe stuck in the tap? Have you licked the soap? Are you choking on a flannel? Is someone else in there? Are you being attacked? Oh no! Mrs Algernon! And the full force of her fury! Did she climb up the drainpipe? It’s revenge for the hedge squashing, isn’t it? You’re being attacked and it’s all my fault!’

  Jonny felt desperate. He tried the door. Locked! He rattled it. The splashing got louder. He began to feel real panic. He rattled some more.

  ‘I’m coming, brother!’ he yelled, frantically joggling the door handle. ‘I’ll save you! I’ll …’

  CRASH!

  The lock gave way, the door flew open and Jonny rushed into the room, slipped on the splashed water and landed on his back on the floor.

  ‘Oof!’ he said.

  Slowly, he sat up and looked around. The room was empty. No Mrs Algernon in ninja gear, her tiny eyes blazing with rage as she attempted to strangle his new brother.

  ‘There’s no one here!’ he said.

&nbs
p; Only Mervyn, of course, peeping at Jonny from one end of the bath. And at the other end? Not Mervyn’s feet and toes but an enormous, scaly, silver fishtail flapping against the taps.

  ‘What’s that?’ cried Jonny, staring at the huge tail.

  He stood up shakily. Now he could see all of Mervyn. Only not all of Mervyn looked like Mervyn. The lower half of Mervyn, where his legs used to be, had turned into a fish’s enormous tail. Mervyn grabbed a flannel and tried to cover it.

  ‘Don’t hate me! I know it’s a bit weird,’ said Mervyn.

  ‘Oh, that is so …’

  Mervyn flinched. ‘Odd? Strange? Yes, I know, but I can explain! I –’

  ‘COOL!’ said Jonny, his eyes lighting up. ‘That is so cool! Solid gold cool! You are a mermaid!’

  Jonny gawped at him, his eyes wide with wonder. Mervyn cleared his throat.

  ‘Boy, actually,’ he said.

  ‘Sorry, yes,’ said Jonny, slapping his forehead in an ‘I’m so stupid’ way. ‘A boymaid!’

  ‘No, I’m a merboy!’ said Mervyn. ‘Mer followed by boy!’

  ‘Merboy, merboy, merboy,’ muttered Jonny, still trying to take it all in. ‘Absolutely! Of course. I mean, not of course, actually. This is not at all normal, you know. It’s not every day your new brother turns into a fish in the bath. I mean a merboy.’

  ‘Are you angry?’ Mervyn asked.

  ‘What? No!’ said Jonny. ‘Are you kidding? This is one hundred per cent awesome! But how can you get your legs back?’

  ‘I just need to dry off,’ said Mervyn. He didn’t move, and neither did Jonny.

  ‘In private?’ said Mervyn.

  ‘Oh, of course, sure!’ said Jonny, still staring at his new brother’s fishy lower half. ‘It’s just so incredible! Your tail! You’ve got a tail. And scales. Oh, too good! Anyway, meet me back downstairs when you’ve de-merboy-ed yourself. Amazing! Just amazing!’

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  SECRET SWIMMING PLANS

  When Mervyn walked back into the kitchen, Jonny burst out laughing.

  ‘Look at you walking!’ he said. ‘When a minute ago you had a …’

  ‘Shhh!’ said Mervyn. ‘I think we should keep this quiet. I don’t want to attract attention. I’ve only just arrived on land!’

  ‘Is that why you’ve never ridden a bike?’ Jonny asked. ‘Bikes don’t work in the sea!’

  Mervyn nodded.

  ‘And is that why you didn’t want to go swimming?’

  ‘Yes, as soon as my legs get properly wet, I turn into a merboy,’ Mervyn said. ‘Feels weird, though, this whole walking about on legs thing. I’m used to swimming everywhere.’

  ‘Well, let’s go swimming!’ said Jonny. ‘We must be able to find water somewhere. The leisure centre is out – too public …’

  ‘Could we go to the sea?’ Mervyn asked. ‘I’d love to see it again. It’s the only home I’ve ever known. My parents put me on Sibling Swap because they wanted me to try life on dry land. They kept going on about all the opportunities up here. It’s great here, isn’t it? Houses and bikes and you, of course, my new brother. I know I’ll get used to it, it’s just all so different to the sea …’

  ‘It takes a while to get to the beach in the car,’ said Jonny. ‘And I can’t drive. I’m too young. Maybe tomorrow? I could ask my mum. Perhaps we could try the pond on the Common for now. It’s a bit brown, usually with a few plastic bottles floating in it. Plus, the ducks might give you a funny look.’

  ‘How deep is it?’ Mervyn asked.

  ‘Pretty deep. There’s a sign next to it saying DEEP WATER, so it’s deep enough for a DEEP WATER sign.’

  ‘Great!’ said Mervyn. ‘When can we go?’

  Jonny looked out of the window and then at the clock.

  ‘In about an hour, when the light starts to fade and there’s nobody about,’ he said. ‘The perfect time for some outdoor, not-strictly-allowed-but-never-mind merboy swimming fun! Whoop!’

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  POND DIPPING

  An hour later Mervyn and Jonny left the house and snuck off down the street.

  Jonny felt fizzed-up with eagerness. This was the life, eh? Off out at dusk, eh? With your brother, eh? To have adventures and scrapes and fun and more adventures, eh?

  Soon the two boys were standing at the edge of the pond.

  ‘What do you reckon?’ Jonny asked.

  ‘It’ll do,’ said Mervyn, and he ripped off his corduroy flares and dived straight in, disappearing under the water.

  Jonny watched to see where he would surface.

  Nothing.

  ‘He’ll pop up in a minute,’ he said to himself, scanning the pond.

  Nothing. Silence.

  ‘Come on, Mervyn, up you come,’ Jonny muttered, beginning to feel uneasy. ‘Give me a wave.’

  Still nothing. By now the water was perfectly still. Jonny started to feel anxious.

  ‘Mervyn!’ he yelled. ‘Where are you?’

  He needs to come up to breathe, Jonny thought. He’s like a whale, isn’t he, or a dolphin? He needs to pop up and get some air. So where is he? Is he all right? Has he got tangled in a shopping trolley or attacked by killer crayfish?

  Jonny hopped about by the pond for a few seconds and then remembered how Ted always teased him for being slow. Right, he thought. I can’t wait. I have to help Mervyn. He’s in a weird brown pond instead of the nice big sea, and he’s my brother. Time to act!

  ‘Hang on, Mervyn!’ Jonny yelled, pulling off his trainers. ‘I’m going to find you!’

  He waded into the water. His feet squelched on the squelchy stuff at the bottom of the pond. He hoped it was mud but guessed it was probably duck poo. Never mind! He had to save his new brother. The water was up to his thighs now but Jonny hardly noticed, he was too busy looking for any sign of Mervyn in the dim light. He called out to him, squinted through the dusk, then …

  ‘QUACK!’

  A duck flew out of nowhere, right under Jonny’s nose.

  He jumped in fright, slipped and plunged face first into the middle of the pond. The murky water closed over his head. He couldn’t see. His feet skated on the bottom, his hands grasped at slippery weeds. Help me! he thought.

  Then, suddenly, he had the sensation of being pulled along. He opened his eyes for a second, saw a flash of silvery fishtail and then burst up to the surface like a cork out of a bottle.

  Mervyn was by his side, holding him up. ‘Did you fancy a swim too?’ he joked.

  ‘You didn’t come up for air,’ Jonny spluttered as he scrambled back to dry land. ‘I thought you’d drowned.’

  ‘I can breathe under water,’ said Mervyn. ‘All merpeople can.’

  ‘Well, that’s just mer-vellous, isn’t it,’ said Jonny, crashing on to the bank like a drunken starfish.

  CHAPTER NINE

  SPLASH!

  While Jonny towelled himself off, Mervyn gave a merboyish squeak and swam around the pond again. Jonny could just make out his beautiful tail glinting in the dying light of the day. It was an impressive sight. He looked so happy and natural in the water. Jonny didn’t want to stop his fun, but he was beginning to shiver, so he shouted to him to come out.

  As Mervyn pulled himself on to the bank; his tail shimmered in the moonlight.

  Jonny passed him the towel and turned away while Mervyn rubbed his tail. Then, with a ‘Ta da!’, he flicked Jonny with the towel. There were his legs again.

  ‘Does that mean we can walk home now?’ said Jonny, pointing at Mervyn’s lower half.

  Mervyn laughed, and the two boys set off.

  As Jonny squelched on to the doorstep, Mervyn laid a hand on his arm.

  ‘Thanks for that,’ he said. ‘I know you got wet, but thanks. It felt so good to be swimming again.’

  Tucked up in bed that night, Jonny decided that Friday with his new brother Mervyn had been good. A bit wet, a bit hedge-y, but exciting and different and good. He drifted off, lulled by the sound of rain beginning to fall outside.<
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  It was still tipping it down outside in the morning, so the boys watched TV. There was a nature programme on, about the oceans. Mervyn chatted all the way through it.

  ‘Seals are real show-offs,’ he said. ‘Look at that one! Hang on! I know him. That’s Sammy! Hey, Sammy, how are you? Good moves! Ah, he’s a lovely guy. Terrible fishy breath, but he’s a brilliant swimmer. Ooh, look, here come the killer whales. Look out, everybody! You have to watch out for them. They hang out in big gangs and they’re very slippery, in a can’t-trust-them way. And literally, too, I suppose. I’ve never touched one, so I don’t know. But someone told me once that they calm down if you tickle their dorsal fin. That’s a good tip for you!’

  ‘Spare us the running commentary,’ Jonny murmured, then frowned as he realised this was something Ted used to say to him.

  Jonny chased this thought away by looking out of the window.

  ‘The rain’s stopped,’ he said. ‘Let’s go to the park.’

  Mervyn sniffed the air as he stepped outside.

  ‘I can smell the water everywhere,’ he said.

  Jonny had no idea that water had a smell, but it certainly was wet out. It had rained for hours. The leaves on the trees were dripping fat droplets that ran down the back of your neck and made you shudder. Water rushed along the road, and the cars made a whooshing sound as they ploughed through it.

  Mervyn hesitated.

  ‘Worried about all this water setting you off?’ Jonny asked. ‘Don’t be! I’ll keep an eye out for any extra-large puddles.’

  As the boys passed the doctor’s surgery at the end of Jonny’s road, Mervyn caught sight of the fish tank in the waiting room. He stood for a while, gazing at it through the window. Jonny watched too. Which was why neither of them spotted the truck until it was too late. The truck that was travelling up the road, towards a huge pool that had formed around a blocked drain.

  ‘Come on, fish fan, let’s go,’ Jonny said, and as the two boys turned, Jonny saw it …

  The fat tyres were about to rip through the brown pool of water and splat it straight over them. It would be a total drench-out.