I Swapped My Brother On The Internet

by Jo Simmons

  ‘She’s OK now,’ said Jonny. ‘Thanks for coming. Sorry to have bothered you. Bye.’

  But the policeman wouldn’t go away. He wanted to come in and check on Jonny’s mum. She had come to and was gasping about someone breaking in. The policeman took a few notes and looked all over the house, then he asked to check outside.

  Jonny opened the back door for him. The policeman marched around the small garden, checking the fences and the shed.

  ‘Nothing,’ he said, ‘but you ought to fix a lock on that shed. Anyone could get in!’

  Finally, he left. Jonny sagged with relief. He’d felt sure Henry would fling a yoghurt at the policeman or fire an arrow at his hat, but true to his word, the royal guest had been silent and invisible. Jonny checked that his mum was resting quietly on the sofa, then went to find Henry. He was lying on Jonny’s bed.

  ‘I think, Your Wonderfulness, that it might be best if you return to the Other Side,’ said Jonny nervously.

  ‘But we were going to be brothers!’ said Henry, sitting up and pouting.

  ‘I know,’ said Jonny. ‘I just don’t think it’s going to work.’

  ‘Am I too Tudor?’ asked Henry. ‘Too regal? Too old-fashioned? Too fabulous?’

  ‘Too dead!’ blurted Jonny. ‘You’re a ghost! You died, like, ages ago! Sorry. You’re also really great and fun, but I just want a normal brother who is alive and roughly my age and doesn’t make people faint or call the police.’

  Jonny half expected the dead king to roar angrily at him, but instead Henry reached his ghostly hand out and laid it on Jonny’s shoulder. It floated straight through it.

  ‘We had some larks, though, eh, Jonty?’

  ‘Jonny,’ muttered Jonny.

  ‘Indeed,’ said Henry. ‘Perhaps we’ll meet again some day. I hope you find the brother you want. Better luck next time, eh? That’s what they used to say to me about wives. I had six you know. Six!’

  With that, Henry faded to grey and disappeared.

  Jonny sat at his desk and emailed the Sibling Swap operatives again. He explained that all the swaps so far had been a bit peculiar, from ghosts to mythical creatures to a boy raised by meerkats, and asked if this was just how the website worked.

  A Swap operative emailed back.

  ‘Apologies, Swapper, for the unsatisfactory new brother. We have checked your original application form and you had not ticked the box requesting only HUMAN brothers. We keep a small number of non-human swaps on our books to offer the greatest variety to our Swappers.’

  So that’s why the brother swaps have been weird, Jonny thought. That explains everything! It was just a simple error he’d made on the form … Oh, relief times five trillion!

  ‘Can I tick that human box now, please?’ Jonny typed.

  ‘Sure!’ the Swap op replied. ‘We have a massive choice of human brothers and will have a replacement with you tomorrow morning. There’s no stopping the swapping until we get it right!’

  Jonny closed the laptop. What a day! His faith in Sibling Swap had been wobbling there for a bit. Then he remembered tomorrow was bank holiday Monday. Bonus brother-bonding time! He sighed deeply and smiled. It was all going to be just fine!

  Before bed, Jonny finished work on an enormous brick castle that he and Ted had begun together in a rare afternoon of brotherly harmony. It had sat on his bed- ­­room floor ever since, like a shrine to good brother times. Sometimes, Jonny remembered, he and Ted did have fun together. Not very often, it’s true, but sometimes.

  Next morning Jonny was woken by the doorbell. It was brother number four.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  ALFIE ARRIVES

  Jonny pulled the door open. A boy stood on the front step. He beamed at Jonny, blue eyes twinkling, golden hair gleaming, cuteness radiating from him like water off a shaking dog.

  ‘I’m Alfie!’ said the little chap. He only came up to Jonny’s shoulder. ‘Come from the Sibling Swap!’

  ‘Hello! How old are you?’ Jonny asked.

  ‘Eight,’ said Alfie. ‘But I’m nearly nine.’

  ‘Perfect! I’m nearly ten,’ said Jonny. ‘Now, before you come in, can I just check: you look human. Are you?’

  Alfie looked confused.

  ‘Are you a regular boy?’ Jonny continued. ‘Not one raised by porcupines? You’re not some sort of weird fairytale creature that was brought up on a glacier by griffins?’

  ‘What are you on about?’ Alfie asked.

  ‘You’re not a pixie, are you? Or a werewolf? Or allergic to air or happiest living in a bog or …’

  Alfie shook his head.

  ‘Excellent!’ said Jonny. ‘Come on in! Be my guest!’

  ‘I’m not your guest, though, am I!’ laughed Alfie, stepping inside. ‘I’m your new brother! You asked for me and here I am! Race you to the top of the stairs!’

  Alfie shot upstairs like he’d been fired out of a cannon, with Jonny behind him. Once inside Jonny’s room, Alfie climbed on to the bed.

  ‘Let’s see who can bounce on the bed the best!’ he said.

  ‘You’re on!’ said Jonny, and immediately the two boys got stuck into some rip-roaring bouncing. What a great way to break the ice with your new brother! Eventually, panting and giggling, they flopped down on the duvet.

  ‘Phew, that was fun,’ Jonny puffed. ‘You’re a good bouncer. Have you bounced before?’

  ‘Of course!’ said Alfie. ‘I love bouncing. And running around. And climbing trees and doing ninja rolls off swings and –’

  ‘I get it,’ said Jonny. ‘Me too. Except for the climbing bit. I just like, you know, messing about. My older brother, Ted, says that’s stupid. He wouldn’t even play cards with me. He says, “You know I’ll win, so what’s the point? I’m better at everything.”’

  ‘He sounds annoying,’ said Alfie.

  Yeah, he was pretty annoying, thought Jonny, the way he always went on about how hard it was being the oldest because he had to get up early for school and walk the dog sometimes … ‘Hey, where are you going?’

  Alfie had shot out the door. As he ran, one foot clipped the brick castle on the floor, knocking off a turret. Jonny found him in Ted’s bedroom, looking through the wardrobe. Jonny noticed with a gulp that it was still full of Ted’s clothes. Had Ted not packed before he left? Perhaps there hadn’t been time … Then he saw that Alfie had put on Ted’s favourite hoodie. It was gigantic on him. With the hood up he could hardly see out. He stumbled about the room, tripping on the bed and bouncing off the walls.

  Jonny laughed. Then he grabbed Ted’s school tie and put it on.

  ‘Ooh, look, my name’s Ted and I’m really cool because I go to secondary school. We have design lessons and do trampolining! Did I mention I’m nearly thirteen years old? Hey, check out my mobile phone. It’s so smart! It’s a smartphone! You’ve only got a rubbish brick thing, Jonny. Durr, what a loser!’

  Alfie was squealing with laughter.

  ‘I’m glad I make you laugh,’ said Jonny. ‘It was tricky to make Ted laugh. He said I wasn’t funny!’

  ‘You are quite funny,’ said Alfie.

  ‘Yeah? Well, if you think that’s only quite funny, wait until you see this!’

  He ran back to his room, pulled on his panda onesie and stuffed it with all his teddies (despite being almost ten, Jonny still liked his soft toys, which was yet another thing Ted teased him about). Then he lumbered towards Alfie, looking like a sumo wrestler who had eaten all his friends’ pies.

  Alfie laughed and laughed at this, then ran at Jonny, power-jumping head first into his massive stuffed belly until they both collapsed on the floor.

  ‘That was good,’ Alfie said. ‘I’m probably funnier, though.’

  Jonny didn’t say anything. He had unzipped his onesie and was busy pulling teddies from deep inside it.

  ‘Was Ted really like that?’ Alfie asked. ‘Like your impression of him? He was next door to me at Sibling Swap, but I didn’t get to know him.’

  ‘Next doo
r?’ asked Jonny.

  ‘Yes, in the place the siblings wait,’ said Alfie. ‘The fishy-smelling place.’

  Jonny paused. It felt weird to know Alfie had been near Ted recently, that Ted was being held somewhere, waiting for a new brother or sister to snap him up. Jonny’s tummy did an uneasy little flutter.

  ‘Well?’ said Alfie. ‘Was Ted like you said?’

  ‘Oh yes,’ said Jonny. ‘He always said I was slow at everything and called me a human sloth. And he liked to sit in here all the time messing about on his phone, which was so boring. He also changed his name in the contacts on my phone from Ted to GOD! Really annoying. Sometimes we had a nice time, I suppose. We made that castle together, the one in my room …’

  ‘Are you coming down for breakfast?’ Jonny’s mum called from downstairs.

  ‘Come and meet my mum!’ said Jonny.

  ‘She’s my mum now, as well,’ said Alfie.

  Jonny blinked, processing this for a second. It felt a bit weird. He’d forgotten the whole mother–son side of this brother swapping. He would have to share his mum with a new brother.

  ‘Bet she thinks I’m cute,’ said Alfie. ‘All grown-ups do! Just watch.’

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  ADVENTURES WITH A LOVELY LITTLE CHAP

  Alfie was right.

  ‘And who’s this?’ Jonny’s mum asked when she saw Alfie. He had tucked in behind Jonny, like he was terribly shy, and was now peeping round at Jonny’s mum, smiling cutely, his blond hair shimmering like a Saharan sunset.

  ‘This is Alfie,’ said Jonny. ‘My … er …’

  ‘Hello!’ said Alfie, his huge manga eyes pulling her in like impossible-to-resist tractor beams.

  ‘Is Alfie playing here today?’ Jonny’s mum asked. ‘I hope so. Will you stay, Alfie?’

  ‘I’d really love to, yes, please, if that’s OK, thanks,’ said Alfie, beaming again.

  ‘Maybe he could sleep over as well?’ Jonny suggested. ‘Ted texted to say he’ll be at Jim’s again tonight, as it’s a bank holiday and all that …’

  ‘Great!’ said Jonny’s mum. ‘How about you two go to the park after breakfast?’

  The boys nodded.

  ‘I think this calls for a special treat, don’t you?’ Jonny’s mum added, looking at Alfie like he was a basket of kittens. ‘It’s nice to have a new friend here, isn’t it, Jonny? What’s your favourite thing to eat, Alfie?’

  Jonny whispered ‘doughnuts’ into Alfie’s ear and gave him a nudge with his elbow.

  ‘Go nuts!’ shouted Alfie.

  ‘He means doughnuts!’ blurted Jonny. ‘It’s his funny word for them.’

  ‘Doughnuts? Jonny loves those too,’ said his mum. ‘Buy a big box, Jonny. After all, it’s not often we have such a lovely little chap to visit.’

  After cornflakes, Jonny went outside with the lovely little chap, and the lovely little chap proceeded to run up and down the pavement at top speed, whooping and whacking trees with a stick in a manner quite opposite to the way a real lovely little chap might behave.

  ‘I betted that she would love me,’ said Alfie. ‘And I betted right. Your mum totally thinks I’m amazing. I bet she loves me more than you!’

  ‘Of course she doesn’t,’ said Jonny, trying to sound confident. ‘Don’t be daft. I’m her real son, anyway.’

  ‘Yeah, but I’m really cute,’ said Alfie, stamping on a snail.

  ‘Hyper, more like,’ Jonny muttered under his breath. He was having fun with Alfie, for sure, but the pace was a little hectic. Then Jonny’s fingers felt the coins in his pocket and he remembered the doughnuts that Alfie’s charm had helped secure. Suddenly, he felt better.

  Jonny marched off towards the shop with Alfie racing around him, now beating bins and lamp posts with his stick like a demented gibbon.

  ‘Hello, Mrs Algernon,’ said Jonny politely, when he saw his neighbour pruning her privet hedge. Mrs Algernon just nodded at him. Yup, still grumpy. Probably hadn’t forgiven him for falling into it the other day. Probably never would.

  Jonny hadn’t seen Mrs Algernon smile in the five years they had lived near each other. Ted said she didn’t know how to smile. ‘Her face has all the muscle tone of porridge,’ Ted would say. That always made Jonny laugh.

  Mrs Algernon squinted at him and gruffly nodded again, then she spotted Alfie and her face seemed to melt, like cheese on a radiator.

  ‘New friend?’ she asked Jonny.

  ‘This is Alfie,’ he said.

  By now Alfie was standing next to Jonny, in full shy, adorable mode. Wow, thought Jonny, this kid really knows how to turn on the charm. Look at him go! He could get an award for that performance! He just totally knows how to win over grown-ups!

  ‘Very nice to meet you,’ said Alfie, doing a little bow crossed with a curtsey. It would have looked ridiculous had Jonny done it, but, of course, when Alfie did it, it was pure, solid gold, one hundred per cent charm. With a cherry on top. No, two cherries, actually. And a tiny umbrella.

  That was game over for Mrs Algernon. She was smitten. Alfie’s full-on cute offensive had claimed another victim. Jonny was impressed.

  ‘How delightful,’ she said. And then she smiled. She actually smiled!

  Jonny thought he might faint or pee his pants or spontaneously combust. Unreal! he thought, I have to tell Ted about this! And then, Oh, yeah, he’s not here …

  ‘We have to go,’ said Jonny, giving Alfie a little shove. ‘Off to buy doughnuts.’

  Mrs Algernon turned back to Jonny. Instantly, her smile slipped away, her eyes darkened and her face seemed to close, like someone slamming down the shutters on a shop full of rainbows.

  ‘She really liked you!’ said Jonny as the two boys walked along. ‘How do you do that?’

  Alfie shrugged. ‘Old ladies in particular think I’m lovely. Bet I’ve made her day. Probably even her whole entire month! She totally prefers me to you now!’

  ‘Yeah, yeah,’ said Jonny, feeling just a teensy bit annoyed at how competitive and confident Alfie was. It was all a bit exhausting. The boy had so much energy too. He could barely stand still or shut up. Or could he? Jonny tried a little experiment.

  ‘Can you be quiet?’ he asked Alfie. ‘Just until we walk to the shop.’

  ‘Being quiet is boring, though,’ said Alfie, poking his stick into a drain.

  ‘OK, how about this,’ said Jonny. ‘A challenge! I bet you can’t shut up for two minutes!’

  That was more like it. At the suggestion of a bet, Alfie perked up.

  ‘Eeeeeaasy!’ he roared. ‘Two minutes? Bet I can. I totally can.’

  ‘OK, I’ll time you,’ said Jonny.

  And he did. And Alfie shut his mouth and concentrated on not making a peep. It was a lovely, quiet two minutes in which Jonny watched tiny Alfie, his cheeks going red with the effort of not speaking, and thought, Ahh, you’re kind of fun and cute, aren’t you, especially when you’re not yelling … But all too soon the time was up and the yelling was on again.

  ‘I win!’ Alfie roared, and began running around whacking more things with his stick. ‘Win! Win! Win the thing! Winner!’

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  A LARK IN THE PARK

  The boys bought the doughnuts from Charlie in the corner shop. Charlie was very impressed by Alfie too, and ruffled his hair affectionately. Mind you, Charlie did that with everyone, even grown-ups sometimes. He was just a nice, friendly guy.

  Jonny got twelve doughnuts, iced in a rainbow of tempting colours and lined up neatly in a box with a see-through lid.

  ‘I really love doughnuts,’ said Jonny, admiring them.

  ‘Me too,’ said Alfie.

  The two were quiet for a moment, happily gazing at the sugary, greasy treats. Then …

  ‘Bet I can eat more doughnuts in one go than you!’ said Alfie.

  ‘That’s a risky bet,’ said Jonny. ‘You risk being sick. I hate being sick. It’s one of my least favourite things. Here’s a better bet for you. Bet I can beat you
to the park gate. Go!’

  The boys bombed towards the gate, Jonny just making it before Alfie.

  ‘I win!’ said Jonny. ‘Whoop!’

  Alfie glared at him and then ran into the park.

  ‘Bad loser!’ Jonny muttered. Then he remembered Ted calling him that. They’d been playing a game of cards and Ted was thrashing him, and eventually Jonny got so frustrated he threw the cards. They sprayed across the kitchen like autumn leaves in a wind tunnel, mostly landing in Widget’s water bowl.

  A shout from Alfie on the swings grabbed Jonny’s attention.

  ‘Look at me!’ he called. ‘Bet you can’t go this high!’

  Alfie was standing up, swinging in insanely huge and dangerous arcs.

  Jonny began swinging alongside him. The two went higher and higher, whooping for joy.

  ‘Bet you can’t jump off!’ shouted Alfie, and before Jonny could answer, Alfie flung himself from the sweeping swing and rolled across the grass.

  ‘I’m fine!’ he said, hopping up. ‘I did a ninja roll! Try it!’

  So Jonny tried a ninja roll off the swing too, and nearly rolled straight through a family’s picnic.

  Next, the two boys tackled the roundabout. By now Alfie was fizzing like a vitamin tablet in a glass of Pixie Fizz. He began spinning it madly, while Jonny lay on it, staring at the sky, screaming with laughter. This was more like it! Fun. Proper, nice, fun-packed fun. Two brothers, mucking about in the park. Perfect!

  After ten minutes of high-speed spinning, the two boys sat dizzily on the grass, catching their breath. Jonny was tired, but Alfie wasn’t done yet. Like an extreme-sports nut planning his next daredevil parachute dive off a skyscraper while still in the middle of his current daredevil parachute dive off a skyscraper, Alfie had other challenges in his sights. He was staring at a tall tree.

  ‘Bet I can climb to the top of that tree!’ he said, his blue eyes lighting up like gas flames.

  ‘Forget it!’ said Jonny, looking over. ‘It’s way too high.’