by Kim Holden
Someone rests their hand on my shoulder. “You okay, big man?” It’s Franco.
I nod. “I’m good, dude. I’m so good.”
He sees me looking at Scout. “It’s not fair, you know?”
I turn and look at him. “What’s not fair?”
He gestures with his chin to Scout. “That a dipshit like you gets all the badass chicks.”
I can’t help but laugh. “I know, right? I’m one lucky dipshit.”
And then he’s serious. “You’re not a dipshit, Gus. You’re my best friend and the best person I know. Badasses attract badasses. You’re kinda perfect for each other.”
We’re interrupted by Jim; I’ve stopped calling him Hitler now that he’s stopped acting like a first-class douche. He’s got a lot of shit on his plate and he’s trying to do better and I’m trying to support that. “You’ve got less than a minute before you go on,” he says. “Have a great show, guys.”
I take my guitar from Slim, one of our roadies. He’s wearing a Gus makes me moist T-shirt. I think Franco pays him to do it just to embarrass me. “Go show ‘em how it’s done, Gus.” He says it before every show. I like hearing it.
“I’ll do my best, dude.” It’s the same response I give him every time. And I mean it. Every time. “Let’s do this,” I call out to the rest of the band. And we take the stage.
The crowd is raging already. Pumped up from the opening band and ready to party.
As the stage lights come up, the cheers erupt. I scan the front row and see all of the familiar faces lined up and I feel like they’ve all got my back. When I get to Scout, I wink. And then I address the masses. “What’s up, Grant?!” They cheer louder if that’s even possible. “It’s good to be back. It’s been a while. What do you say we make up for lost time and have some fun tonight?”
We lead in with “Redemption.” The crowd’s into it. They know the song. They’re singing along with me. What a great way to kick off the night.
And for the next two hours, we play. Normally our set is about half that length, but tonight’s special and we’re playing everything we’ve got, including a few covers that Bright Side loved.
We saved Gustov for the finale. I motion for the crowd to quiet down. “How many of you were here with us the last time we played this auditorium?” The cheers tell me over half of them. “Well, if you were, you had the privilege of seeing my best friend perform with us. Kate Sedgwick was an unbelievably talented woman. She could sing her ass off and she played violin like nobody I’ve ever seen. We lost her a year and half ago. Cancer. Which really fucking sucks. I know she’s here tonight with us in spirit. She’s watching and listening, so I just want to say, we miss you every day, Bright Side. And tonight? This was all for you. All about you. Someone very special flew a very long way this afternoon to play with us on these next two songs. Maestro, come on out.”
Gustov walks on from the left side of the stage and takes a seat on the edge of the chair that’s been set up for him behind a microphone. He looks composed and professional as always. When he’s comfortable, he nods at me and smiles. This feels so right. I’m so glad he’s here.
I point at Gustov. “This dude is way out of our league, but we’re gonna do our best to keep up with him.” I look up. “Bright Side, these are for you. Love you.”
The intro to “Finish Me” is all Gustov. It fills the entire stage with an eerie, sorrowful melody. It drives me. I feel like I’m back in the studio with Bright Side when we recorded this song—minus the anguish. I’ve got my big boy pants on and playing and singing the lyrics are like an out-of-body experience. Inspiration like this is so rare; I give in to it and turn myself over to the music. The song transitions into “Missing You,” and Gustov is on fire. He’s making that instrument sing with me. It’s incredible and draws all of the emotion out of me until I'm happily, and willingly, bleeding out on this stage. When his violin falls silent, and the song is over, I need to take a few deep breaths, both to balance the adrenaline coursing through me and slow my heart rate. He nods first to me and then to the audience. “Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this. Kate was a very special young lady. I hope I did her justice.” With that he stands and bows, and the crowd roars.
“Wow.” I had to say that out loud, because I’m blown away. The last seven minutes of my life is something I’ll never forget. I shake my head to clear it. “Let’s give it up again for the motherfucking genius.” Gustov bows again and walks offstage. I look back at Franco. I’m still stunned, lost in the dream-like state this performance has taken on. “Did that seriously just happen?”
Franco looks as in awe as I feel. He nods slowly and that gives way to full-on belly laughter and I can’t help but join him. You know how sometimes something happens and it’s so much more than you ever expected? The type of so much more that leaves you speechless and thinking what the hell just happened? And all you can do is laugh because you’re so astounded you don’t know what else to do? That is exactly what’s happening. And I’m glad Franco’s in this with me; otherwise I would think I finally lost my mind.
When I stop laughing, I turn back to the audience. “We’ve got one more song,” I say. “We’re gonna kill the sun. I need help. I want you all to be as loud as you can and sing with me. Seriously, I want to wake neighboring states. That kind of fucking loud.” I look down at Pax and smile. “This one’s for you, Pax.”
What happens next is five hundred people coming together. The volume is deafening. I think every person in the place is singing along with me. This is, by far, the best crowd of the tour yet, maybe ever. I stretch the guitar solo out to twice its normal length, because I don’t want to say good-bye to this night. I’m living the song. Living what it stands for. Wishing I could kill the sun and just hold on to this moment.
The crowd, when we’re done, cheers for a solid ten minutes. That’s a lot of love.
The Bright Side posse meets us out back by the bus. I thank them all for coming and celebrating with us and say good-bye to each one. It’s almost midnight, but our bus isn’t leaving until noon. I begged Jim for some extra time here and he’s giving it to me. We play Des Moines tomorrow night and it’s only a couple hours’ drive away.
After I thank Gustov again, I call him a cab and pre-pay to the airport so he can catch his redeye flight back home to Boston.
Keller hugs me last. “Great show, man. Really, I mean it. You guys are the best thing going out there. Katie would be so proud of you.”
“Thanks for being here, dude.”
He drops his car keys in my hand. “I’m catching a ride back with Dunc. Paxton’s coming with us and crashing at my place. I reserved you a room at the Hampton Inn here in Grant. I know you probably haven’t had any time alone with Scout in a couple of months. You both need that. Tell her to just come to my place after she drops you off here in the morning. I’ll get her and Paxton to the airport.”
I’m looking at the keys in my hand and the generous friend standing in front of me. I don’t know what to say. There’s so much I want to tell him, but no words … and no time. So I say, “Thank you, dude.” And I mean it. God, do I mean it.
Scout’s confused when we get in Keller’s car alone, but she doesn’t say anything.
She’s even more confused when we arrive at the hotel. She’s still not talking.
“Come on, sweetheart. Keller got us a room.”
She smiles and it’s reluctant hope. Almost like she’s afraid to believe it’s true, because she wants this so badly.
I check in and get the key card and we head to the room. She looks deep in thought.
Behind closed doors, she finally speaks up. “Gus?”
“Yeah?”
“I’ve learned a lot about life these past few months. Living life … really living it … is work. It’s exhausting if you’re doing it right. If you’re out there making the most of every day. Every minute. Every second. Because out there in the middle of the chaos, that’s where you find the beau
ty. That’s where you find the reward. And watching you tonight, babe? It was beauty in the middle of chaos. So damn beautiful. I was in awe. It was incredible. I mean, you’re always amazing, but tonight was special. Everyone felt it.”
I smile to myself. “Fuck yeah, it is work. But that’s where the beauty comes in. It manifests itself when effort’s made. I’m in this, Girl Scout. Totally immersed in life now. Tonight was definitely different, like once-in-a-lifetime different. I’m so stoked you were there.” I tip her head back so I can taste her lips. “And just so you know, you’re my reward.” The kissing escalates quickly, because I can’t help myself. But after a few seconds I pull away. “I need to shower. I sweat like a fiend tonight.”
She smiles against my lips. “You’re sexy sweaty.”
Which makes me smile. “I’m sexier naked.”
She helps me pull my T-shirt up and over my head. “True.”
I reach for the hem of her T-shirt and return the favor. “Nice shirt,” I say, before pulling it off.
She raises her eyebrows seductively. “They’re good. I should probably tell you now that I’ve got a thing for the lead singer. I took off my panties and put them in my purse just hoping I’d run into him.”
I unbutton and unzip her jeans and sure enough, no panties. “Shit. You mean, you’ve been freebuffing all day and I didn’t know? Damn.” I slide her jeans down her legs and she steps out of them.
She gives the answer that’s become an inside joke between us. “I thought it would save time.”
When I’m down to only my underwear and she’s standing in front of me in only a sheer ivory bra, I stop and lace my fingers with hers and stare into her eyes. And I speak from my heart. “I love you.”
“I love you, too, babe.” Every time she calls me “babe” it takes my breath away.
“I want to go slow. I want to enjoy this. Can I just hold you for a few minutes before I get in the shower? I miss you.”
I take her arms and wrap them around my neck. And when her body meets mine and her ear comes to rest against my collarbone, everything in the world just feels right. I rest my hands on her hips first, because I just want to touch her. My palms are warm against her skin. The scars on her right side are a different sensation than the smooth skin on her left, but I love them both. It only takes seconds before the smooth skin gives way to goosebumps, and it makes me smile because I know she’s not cold; she's reacting to my touch. My hands start their journey to the base of her spine. Once there, my fingertips trace the curve of her ass and she shivers against me. My palms find themselves flat against her skin again and they make their way up her back. When the tips of my fingers meet resistance, I stop. They’re brushing the fabric of her bra. I ball my fists and take a deep breath fighting the urge to unclasp it just yet. Unfurling my fingers I glide them under the thin straps and continue upward toward her shoulder blades. I’m restrained by the strap to any further travel north, so I head back down south dragging my palms with added pressure along the way. She’s all lean muscle covered by a thin, womanly layer of softness. I rub my hand slowly back and forth across the scarring on her right side, lightly at first but with added intensity as she relaxes into me. I’m trying to show her that every part of her is perfect, without saying a word.
I skim my hands down over her ass, and though they want so badly to hang out there for a long while, they continue down the backs of her thighs until I can get a get a good grasp and hoist her up. Her long legs instinctively wrap around my back.
Once in place, three things happens instantaneously: I wrap my arms around her, one hand holding her ass cheek in my palm, the other cradling the nape of her neck; I’m so fucking hard it’s blissfully painful; and she kisses me.
And this kiss ...
Jesus Christ.
Her tongue flirts with my lips before diving in and when it does, she teases me. Licking lightly before retreating, leaving me to chase her. I part her lips and waste no time making my intentions known. I’m going to be hers tonight. Her safe place. Her protector. Her friend. And her lover.
I’m going to be hers.
The possessive strokes of her tongue, the nips at my bottom lip, the gentle kisses followed by the sinful pull of my skin at the crook of my neck in between her lips … it's heaven. I’m so focused on her mouth and the amazing things it’s doing to me that it takes a second for me to catch up when her hips start moving, rolling in and out like the waves.
Damn, she feels good.
Her hands are in my hair now. It was pulled back in a loose ponytail but she slipped the elastic tie off and it’s knotted up in her hands now. She knows that’s one of my biggest turn-ons. I love it when she winds my hair around her hands like reins and takes charge; it’s sexy as all hell.
The pace of everything has notched up. Her breathing. Her hips. Her moaning. Her intensity.
She’s so fucking close and I want nothing more than to watch her come undone in my arms.
I shift my hold on her so that one hand is supporting her around her lower back while the other hand slips down from behind. My middle finger splits her and runs back to front, front to back. Back to front, front to back, until she’s begging me. “I need to feel you inside me, babe. Please.”
I suck at her neck teasingly, before kissing it softly. “Be patient, Impatient. We’ve got all night.”
She’s writhing under my touch. She’s there, she just won’t let go. “Please, Gus.”
I’m taking my time because this just got all kinds of sexy. My hair’s still reined up in her fists. She’s on the cusp of a mind-blowing orgasm. She’s pleading for sex as I’m nibbling at her earlobe. And my fingers just slipped inside her. “Better?”
“Oh … God … ” she pants. Pleasure’s set her hand in motion. It’s snaking between us, pushing down my underwear until the top few inches of me is exposed against her belly. The sensation of skin on skin … damn.
“Fuck. Me.” My fingers are beating out the steady rhythm that her body is demanding.
“No. Fuck me, Gus.” That wasn’t begging. That was telling. If there’s such a thing as verbal fucking, that was just it. The tone, the words, the force, the sound of her voice …
It was fucking.
Her breasts have my attention now. They’re spilling out of her tiny bra. Hiking her up in my arms, I waste no time in taking the triangle of sheer fabric on the left side in my teeth and tugging it up until her breast falls free beneath it. I’m only moments into fondling her tight, hardened nipple with my tongue and teeth when she hits the roof.
Her mouth is open in a scream against my shoulder. And because her lips have formed a seal there’s not much noise … but I feel every sound wave pulse through me. Resonating in me. Reverberating. It’s like music.
When she falls still in my arms, she smiles sheepishly. “Was I loud?”
I can only imagine what that scream felt like tearing through her if I felt it tearing through me. I shake my head. “Loud? Nope. Sexy? Hell. Yes.” I set her down and drop my underwear to my ankles before removing her bra.
On the way to the bathroom, she says, “I can’t believe we get to stay here tonight.” It’s an innocent, but excited declaration that makes her sound half her age. Totally carefree. It’s cute.
“I know, I fucking love sleepovers,” I tease. I do love sleepovers with Scout, though.
She laughs at me.
“Especially when there’s no sleeping involved.”
She laughs again, but it quickly fades and her eyes settle in to that dark, lust-filled space. That space that has my groin throbbing. I turn toward her until our bodies are touching but I don’t wrap my arms around her. Instead I lower my mouth to her ear and I talk. I don’t whisper. I don’t even lower my voice. “I’m going to take you up on your offer now.”
“You are? What are you going to do exactly, Mr. Hawthorne?”
Damn, the devil may live inside this woman. That was sexy. “You said you wanted me to fuck you. I’m gonna ta
ke you in the shower with me and we’re gonna fuck. Then I’m gonna make love to you in that bed until the sun comes up.”
The side of her mouth tips up. “That sounds exhausting. Good thing I run marathons. Lots of stamina.”
I bring her hand to my cock as we step into the shower. “He’s got plenty of stamina. Trust me.”
While I’m turning on the water she goes down on me, which she’s never done before. And fucking hell, the things she can do with her mouth. And as good as it feels, I want more. Of her. I pull out and urge her to stand, backing her into the wall while pressing up against her. God, she feels so good.
She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls one leg up and around me, and I’m buried deep within her in seconds. There’s absolutely no restraint. We’re loud. We’re demanding. We’re so fucking physical. My hair’s wound up in her hands again. It’s been weeks since we’ve been together like this, with this kind of privacy. Usually it’s a quickie on the bus after the show before she leaves to get back home. But tonight? Tonight I’m going to worship her repeatedly.
Her hips and mine were made for this. She knows my body like no one else. She knows what I like. She pays attention to my reactions when she tries something new and she can make my body fucking sing.
And I’m always doing the same for her.
When we can’t hold back anymore, we fall into oblivion together. My final surge is so deep. I’m pulsing into her and she’s got me wrapped up tight in her own release.
