Exiled to Iowa. Send Help. And Couture

by Chris O'Guinn

  “I never once even thought of hurting anyone else,” Austin told me firmly. “Not physically anyway. I was going to go out in a big way, in front of everyone, just to punish them for turning on me. I was so messed up.” He bowed his head in shame. “I started saying some messed up stuff and it got to the administration and they called the cops.” He closed his eyes as he remembered it all. “They came to the house and found some guns and that was it. I was toast. They didn’t have anything to arrest me, but the school had enough to throw me out. So, we moved here to start over. My dad put me in therapy and I got better, slowly. I’ve sort of made myself accept that it wasn’t my fault, what happened with my parents.”

  I was quiet in the aftermath of his story. My usual wit and sarcasm had no place in this conversation, and I had never been in a situation where I had to process so much raw misery. I added these last pieces to the Austin puzzle and gave it a long look. Understanding him did not change how I felt about him.

  I needed to let him know that.

  “Austin, I don’t even have any words. There aren’t any. I mean, Jesus.... But I am grateful you told me and it doesn’t change anything.”

  He looked warily into my eyes, disbelief giving way to hope. “Really?”

  I managed to make myself smile. “Really.” I bit my lower lip. “My drama seems stupid by comparison, but I’ll tell you if you want to know.”

  He gave me an “Of course” sort of look. “But you don’t have to.”

  I shrugged a little. “Seems fair.” I put the story in order in my head. I had never actually told anyone the whole thing from beginning to end before. “When I was ten or so, this new kid moved into the neighborhood. His name was Mike. From the moment we met, we were inseparable. We had all the same interests, all the same hobbies, the same sense of humor. He and my best friend since kindergarten, Jen, and I, we did everything together

  “As we got older, I started to realize how much I loved him. It was one of those kid, puppy-love things, but time did not make it fade. It just got stronger. The bad thing was that I knew he was straight. I wanted to think I could be wrong, but in my heart, I just knew it.” I frowned a little. “I guess I just didn’t want to give up hope entirely. Anyway, last April, we were at a party and someone found the vodka and we used it to spike our sodas. I got plastered.”

  “I can’t imagine you being drunk,” Austin commented.

  I wrinkled my nose. “I don’t plan on doing it again. My first time out didn’t work out too well. I was sick the whole next day, I was grounded and my life was destroyed. I think I’ll leave the drinking to the professionals.” I felt really stupid about all this and didn’t want to talk about it, but fair was fair, after all. “So, I was sitting on the couch, wasted, and I told Mike I loved him, that I had always loved him and that I wished he was gay so he could love me too.”

  “Oh crap,” Austin murmured.

  “Yeah. He wasn’t nearly as drunk as I was. He flipped out. When I got back to school, everyone knew I was gay. People I thought were my friends stopped talking to me. Bad stuff happened at school, probably the sort of things you went through. But the worst was that Mike seemed to be encouraging it. It was like he was punishing me for being gay or something.”

  “Is that why you all moved here?”

  “Funny you should mention that,” I told him with a wry smile. “I thought it was just because this was the best job my dad could get. Turns out, he started looking for jobs out of state so I could have a fresh start.”

  “So, your family knows?”

  I nodded. “I got lucky. They all accept me for the neurotic, dramatic gay spazz I am.”

  Austin took it all in, his expression speculative. “Are you still in love with him?”

  “Mike? God, no. I was for a while. But I found out he has been telling all kinds of lies about me. He turned every one of our friends against me except Jen. No, I don’t have any feelings for him at all.”

  Austin smiled shyly. “Good. I’m selfish and I don’t want to share you.”

  I blushed, feeling awkward all over again. “I can’t believe I’m this lucky....”

  “I was thinking the same thing,” he replied. He licked his lips. “So, now that story time is over, you maybe want to make out?”

  My blush deepened and my nerves went into overdrive. “Er, I should probably brush my teeth first … and freshen up. A shower, actually, wouldn’t be a b-”

  Austin moved in for the kill. My first kiss hit me like a tsunami crashing into a fishing village, wiping out everything in its path and scattering my thoughts like frightened villagers. I was completely swept away by the sensation. The impossible reality of this gorgeous guy wanting me was too much for my poor brain to handle. Sensing that Doubt was too stunned to act, Desire took over the helm. My whole body just melted against him.

  “I could get used to this,” I approved when we came up for air.

  “What the hell?”

  I had been so distracted that I had not heard Shawn’s footsteps on the stairs. I started to make some joke, but the look on his face told me that wouldn’t be a good idea. Austin shrank from the glower on his face, looking from me to Shawn and back.

  “Should I…?”

  “Yes, seems so,” I told him.

  Austin grabbed his backpack and made his escape even as Shawn mounted the last few steps to stand in my room, looking more upset than I had seen him in a while. It made no sense to me, and I felt my defenses coming up as a fight appeared imminent.

  If only I knew what Shawn’s issue was....

  Chapter 11

  SHAWN HAD INTERRUPTED A VERY interesting experience for me, and I was not feeling very disposed to being patient with him. He seemed to be waiting for me to make some sort of stammering explanation or excuse, but since I felt neither embarrassed nor ashamed, that wasn’t going to happen.

  “So…. What was that, then?” he finally demanded.

  “Well, I think the kids these days call it kissing.”

  Shawn did not crack a smile. “So, is he, you know … are you two…? Well is he, Col?”

  “Is he what? Jewish?”

  “You know what I mean,” Shawn grumped at me.

  “Maybe, maybe not.” I didn’t like the way he was acting about this one bit.

  “Don’t get bitchy, Col.”

  “Can’t help it. It’s my nature.”

  Shawn sighed in a put-upon way. “Is he your…?”

  “Boyfriend?”

  “Yes.”

  “It’s not that hard a word, you know; two very easy syllables.”

  “God, you can be such a drama queen,” he complained.

  “Yes. And in other news, grass is green and water is wet.”

  Shawn’s expression was flinty in the face of my continued intolerance of his attitude. I love my brother, but that doesn’t mean I just automatically cave to his opinions. I have way too much of my family’s Irish in me to be that subservient.

  “Is Austin your … boyfriend?”

  I really disliked the distasteful look on his face as he asked the question, like he had smelled something rancid. “Yes, he is. What’s the problem?”

  He chewed the inside of his cheek in frustration and refused to answer. His silence spoke volumes, however.

  “So, you’re okay with my being gay as long as it’s just theoretical?”

  Shawn looked like I had just slapped him. “No, Collin, that’s not it.”

  “Isn’t it?” I didn’t know if I was more hurt or offended and I didn’t have time to figure it out just then.

  “No! I told you from the start I didn’t like you hanging around with him. He’s trouble.”

  “Based on what?” I demanded. “Rumors and gossip? He didn’t try to hurt anyone, Shawn. If he had, there’s no way he’d have been let into our school. You know that.”

  Shawn frowned deeply. “I just don’t want this to blow up on you, like it did with Mike.”

  “It won’t,” I told hi
m. “Did you miss the part where he was kissing me back?”

  Shawn folded his arms, radiating disapproval. “Just be careful,” he told me.

  With that, he left, and I didn’t try to stop him. I really hated fighting with him; it made me sick to my stomach. Having him come down on me for having a boyfriend had been totally unexpected, and I was disgusted by it. I had lived with the security that he supported me and wanted me to be who I was, but now that it came down to it, he had balked.

  Under all of my anger, though, was a deep well of hurt. I felt rejected by the most important person in my life, and that made me miserable. If there was the slightest chance it was out of real concern for me and not just Shawn being a jackass, I would have felt better. All I saw, though, was him failing me at the most unexpected moment.

  Without thinking, I picked up my phone and dialed Austin. “Where are you?” I asked.

  “About a block away, waiting for you to call. Was it bad? Of course it was. Jesus. I thought they were all cool with it. No, wait, never mind. Just meet me.”

  That sounded like an excellent plan. I was not going to stay there with Shawn and his judgmental crap when my boyfriend was waiting for me. I found my mom in the room we had designated the office, going through job ads online. Shawn had failed me, but my mom.... After the story Austin told me, I was so grateful for her I could never have expressed it in words.

  I hugged her around the shoulders from behind the chair. “Thank you.”

  She gave me an odd look. “What am I about to do that you are thanking me for?”

  Awkwardly, I shrugged. “I just.... I kind of didn’t realize before how lucky I am with the parents I got.”

  She got that misty-eyed, “my boy’s growing up” look that moms get sometimes. “Oh honey.... We think we’re pretty lucky too.” She stood up and hugged me fiercely.

  Well, there was far too much emotion in the room and I guess I finally let everything hit me and I cried a little; for Austin and all his pain, for the relief of knowing he cared for me, for the crushing disappointment of Shawn’s behavior. I didn’t fall apart or anything, just released some of the pressure pushing at my insides.

  My mom let me have those tears and then she looked into my eyes. “What’s wrong, honey?”

  I wiped my eyes and shook my head. “Nothing.” I laughed at my own silly outburst of emotion, because this was definitely not a crying moment. “Actually, things are great. Austin and I are boyfriends, can you believe it?”

  She smiled at me. “Of course I can. I did tell you, after all.”

  I ducked my head, embarrassed. “Anyway, yes, things are fine. Just … he didn’t get so lucky with his mother, that’s all. You know me, I always cry during sad movies.”

  My mom nodded slowly, accepting this answer. “As long as you’re okay.”

  I nodded, feeling better already. “I’m going to hang out with him at his house, okay?”

  “All right,” she agreed and didn’t hassle me with a thousand questions because she is the best mother ever.

  Austin did not own his own car, but his Dad preferred to drive the truck, so the little sedan he also owned was often in Austin’s possession. I hopped inside and immediately leaned over to give Austin a kiss, blushing at my own assertiveness. He gave me a coy smile as I sat back, licking my lips and smirking.

  “What happened?” he asked as we drove off.

  I clung to my anger at Shawn so I didn’t go off on another crying jag. “I wish I knew. Shawn was the first to know. Well, at least the first to talk to me about it. He was always so insistent that I be myself, and now that I am, he wigs.”

  Austin placed his hand on my knee, which scattered my concentration and made it impossible to hold onto my foul mood. “He probably just needs time,” Austin told me. “Seeing his little brother macking on some dude probably messed with his head.”

  I sighed and nodded, hoping that was it. Shawn was a key foundation stone in my life. If he abandoned me, I couldn’t imagine how I would cope. As angry as I was and in spite of how much he had hurt me, I loved him and needed him to support me.

  We got to Austin’s house, a modest little house with a well-manicured lawn and well-tended gardens. His father liked to grow things and would spend whole weekends working in the flower beds or pruning the hedges. His efforts showed in every corner of the house.

  My boyfriend and I slipped into his house, and that word still made me grin like a fool. We grabbed sodas and chips out of the kitchen and then headed for his room. Just as we were entering, his father came out of the bathroom. He was a stocky man with thinning hair and very gentle eyes. Now that I knew their story, my fondness for him grew a hundred fold.

  He smiled in a friendly way. “Hello, Collin. Studying over here today?”

  “Yes,” I lied. Well, I would be studying, but it wouldn’t be classwork.

  “You’re welcome here any time,” he told me sincerely. “Austin knows that. Don’t you, son?”

  There was a certain intensity to the words that told me they meant more than what they appeared to mean. Austin smiled at his father, the man who had saved him in every way he had needed saving, and nodded. “My boyfriend and I need to get to that homework,” he said, eyes sparkling with a life I had rarely seen in them.

  “Your....” His father stopped himself, clearly not knowing what to say and not wanting to do anything to offend. “Okay, son.”

  Austin yanked me into his room with far more roughness than my delicate personage was used to. I grinned at him, taking Doubt and Angst and locking them in a box in a trunk in the closet in the back of my mind. I was not going to let anything spoil the euphoria of having Austin in my arms and knowing that against all odds, he was mine. Giggling like kids, we kissed and stumbled and tripped our way over to his bed and fell on it.

  A startled and unhappy “Mrowr” sound came from the blankets and a disgruntled tabby pillow jumped to the floor. Austin laughed at her indignant look. “Sorry, Cassidy,” he told her. He got off the bed to let the little princess out of the room and then turned to face at me with far more desire in his eyes than I felt I warranted.

  His room was not small, but it was crammed full of things. His computer desk was large and it was piled high with CDs, games, a random assortment of empty soda cans and more than a few books. There were two bookcases piled high with more books and a few trophies that had been recently polished.

  There was a guitar leaning against a wall, and I was definitely going to have to ask him about that later on. He had a stereo that dwarfed mine near the bed. There was also a TV. It was apparent he spent a lot of time in his room.

  I was amused when I noticed his posters. Before allowing him into my room, I had denuded it of my embarrassing shrine to Zac Efron as well as a few other posters that would have made someone doubt my heterosexuality. Austin had not taken those precautions. He had his HSM posters up proudly, and there were also several pictures in frames of men who were wearing nothing at all.

  My boyfriend was evidently way more comfortable with his sexuality than I was. “When you said you were a Ryan fan, I should have known,” I commented, noting the character’s prominence in his collection.

  Austin looked at the posters and nodded. “I was trying to give you a clue. I mean, really, is there any straight guy who would pick Ryan as his favorite character?”

  “I just assume everyone is straight. It’s easier to keep living if I do,” I told him, kicking off my shoes.

  Austin was eying me again in that very disconcerting way. “You know how long I’ve wanted to have you in my bed?”

  I went scarlet instantly. “Uh....”

  Austin climbed on top of me and looked into my eyes. “You really have no idea how hot you are, do you?”

  If I could have gotten redder, I would have, I’m sure. There were a number of very valid points I could have made to explain why I was not “hot” as he put it, but I was not able to get any of them out because we had proceeded onto the Fre
nch-kissing stage. That was an extremely new concept and it required my full attention.

  Time slid by as we made out. I was sure it was never going to get old. I had dreamed and fantasized and wished upon a star, but nothing had prepared me for the reality. His lips were so soft and far wetter than I had figured they would be. Noses were a problem and it took a little practice to keep them from crashing into each other.

  It was particularly overwhelming for me to feel his tongue in my mouth; that was far more intimate and made my little heart race. I had been attracted to him from the first proper look I’d gotten of him, but it was more than that. I was so in love it was like I was living a dream feeling him so close to me, pressed against me … opening my shirt— Hey now….

  “Uh....” I broke the kiss and gently but firmly pushed him off. My hair was a fright, I was sure, and I could feel my cheeks burning.

  Austin looked chagrined. “Sorry, got caught up in the moment.”

  I coughed uncomfortably and buttoned my shirt back up. “Your Dad’s home. I really don’t want him to come in and see us going at it,” I murmured.

  “Oh, he wouldn’t. I mean, I get what you’re saying, but he really wouldn’t.”

  I nodded, feeling deeply ashamed for acting like some scandalized preacher’s daughter. “It’s not that I don’t want to. I just.... This is all happening sort of fast. I haven’t even gotten through the first chapter of my mom’s book.”

  “Huh?”

  I managed a small smile. “My mom gave me a sort of gay guy’s instruction manual.”

  Austin grinned. “That is made of so much win.”

  “Yes, well.... So, there’s that. And, you know, I just....”

  Austin reached out and took my hand. “It’s okay to not be ready, Col. Truth is, I’m not sure I am either. I was just so excited to have you here....”

  “Yeah, I felt that,” I told him with a coy look.

  He blushed. “There’s no pressure, Col. I’m just so happy to have you as my boyfriend.”

  I felt a wave of relief wash over me. “Thank you. I promise I won’t make you wait forever to see the full Collin, but I want to save that disappointment for later.”