Light Up the Dark

by Suki Fleet

  “When I drove home, everything was on fire. The whole row of shops. Gone.”

  For a moment neither of them spoke. Cai could feel Nicky’s eyes on him.

  “Why did you come back here?”

  Cai glanced up, unsure what the bland tone Nicky had asked that question with meant. Nicky’s intense gaze pinned him in place—curious and somehow unsettling.

  “I had nowhere else.”

  The silver tape had burned to nothing and the fire was only a faint glow again.

  They were nothing but shadows in an already dark room.

  “Wouldn’t the police help you?” Nicky asked.

  “The police think I did it.”

  “But you didn’t.”

  “I didn’t,” Cai agreed.

  Soft footsteps sounded in the hallway—footsteps Cai recognised. Logs rolled across the floor as Nicky shrank back almost into the fire. His eyes were wide, and his knuckles white from where he was gripping the edge of the hearth.

  Nicky was still terrified whoever had tied him up was coming back, Cai realised with a jolt.

  “It’s okay. I think it’s just Soph, my niece, and….” Cai faltered, not at all sure how to address Soph and Loz’s relationship. He needed to ask them. “Her friend.”

  He got up and cautiously approached the open door. Soph and Loz were standing with their backs to the wall opposite, both looking anxious.

  “We heard you talking…,” Soph said quietly. “He’s okay, right?”

  Cai nodded. “He’s okay.”

  Loz shifted, leaning back on their heels. “The wind was making the back door creak, and this place is too fucking creepy.” Cai heard Loz swallow. “Sorry. I mean it’s very, very creepy and not much fun….”

  “Why don’t you all come in and we can make this into a real party,” Nicky called out. He didn’t exactly make it sound like a welcoming invitation.

  “I think the woman tied him up,” Cai said quietly. “But I don’t think she hurt him too badly.” At least not physically.

  “I’m not deaf.”

  Raising an eyebrow, Loz mouthed, “Does he bite too?”

  Cai stifled a laugh. The sound was strange in his mouth. But necessary. God, how he wished he had more things to laugh about.

  Soph and Loz followed him back into the study. Nicky had moved and was now in a chair next to the fire, hugging his knees and glaring. He’d switched on the little electric lantern Cai had bought him. The light only served to highlight the mess of logs and books scattered over the floor, and made Nicky look as though he’d been savaged by hounds. Cai suspected how Nicky would react to the suggestion of a trip to the hospital.

  Before Cai could introduce anyone, Soph stepped forwards and held out her hand. “Hi, I’m Soph. Sophie,” she said, then inclined her head to where Loz was standing beside her. “And this is Loz.”

  Nicky sat up straighter, his face blank and tense but at least he was no longer glaring. He took Soph’s hand and Cai noted the fleeting wince of pain that crossed his features. The burns on his arms must have been causing him agony.

  The garage Cai had been shopping at every day on his way to work would still be open. It was only just after eight. They’d likely have painkillers and dressings. Cai touched his trouser pocket, pleased that he still had some change leftover from this morning. It was probably all the money he had left in the world. But how could he leave and go to the garage when that woman was still out there? Even without her gun she was still a threat. And how could they know whether or not she was working alone?

  Nicky and Soph were still staring at one another.

  “Do your arms hurt?” Soph asked.

  Nicky nodded.

  Soph turned to Cai. He had to do something.

  “There’s a garage about ten minutes away that should sell some first aid supplies. But I don’t want to leave you all here… not with….” Nicky rocked back and forth in his seat, his head turned towards the fire as though he didn’t want to listen. “I think we should all go. Stick together. There’s room in the back of the van.”

  “No,” Nicky said sharply, pushing himself deeper into his chair and keeping his gaze on the fire.

  Cai sighed. There weren’t any other options. Nicky was terrified and for good reason—he wasn’t safe here on his own. Cai wasn’t leaving him.

  Loz cleared their throat. “I can drive.” Cai and Soph turned. “Obviously not like legally or anything,” Loz carried on. “But I could like park down the road from the garage so I’m away from the CCTV and stuff.”

  Letting Loz drive to the garage down twisty country roads in his knackered van in the dark was not a good idea. Nicky sitting there wounded and in pain wasn’t a good idea either, though. He looked worse every time Cai looked at him.

  Glancing at Loz, Cai dug his keys out of his pocket. “This is such a bad idea.”

  “I’ll go too,” Soph said.

  “Okay,” Cai said reluctantly. Though it wasn’t okay. Nothing was okay. Not in the slightest. At least Soph would have her phone with her. Cai dug out the last of his change, but not before Soph had reached into the bag she’d carried with her—the bag she was probably afraid to let go of since it contained the only things left of her belongings.

  She pulled out an envelope. His envelope. His fat-with-money envelope that he’d last seen stuffed in his sock drawer. He stared at it disbelievingly. “Here. I was going to put it in the bank for you, but I didn’t get a chance.” She smiled ruefully. “It’s something, right?”

  Yeah, it was something. Blinking back tears, Cai pulled her into a quick tight hug.

  Then he turned to Loz. “Tell me you can drive well.”

  “I can drive well.”

  “On roads?”

  “On roads. Listen, when you have family members who like to get too pissed to know their arse from their elbows and still insist on driving, getting your cousin to teach you to drive so you can be the designated driver is just common sense. I’ve never been like a joyrider or anything; I just didn’t want them to end up killing anyone, or you know, themselves.”

  “Remember to put the lights on and don’t drive above twenty-five. If someone stops you, call me.” He leaned forwards and kissed the top of Soph’s head. The strong scent of smoke still clung to her. It clung to all of them. “I’m going to walk you to the van.”

  From his chair across the room, Nicky was staring at them. For a second the expression on his face looked a lot like longing. He looked away when Cai caught his eye.

  “Push a chair in front of the door. Anyone tries to get in, you yell and I’ll hear you. I’ll be back in two minutes.”

  Pain

  The warped study door was hanging off its hinges after Cai had so enthusiastically kicked it open. Nicky curled on his side in the mould-smelling armchair he’d shoved in front of the door to hold it closed. It was a pathetic barricade and it wouldn’t stop a determined rabbit.

  Nicky shuddered. If he was going to pass out, he hoped it was soon. The pain in his arms was making him feel sick, and the nausea warred with his anxiety until he didn’t know which was worse. Cai was outside somewhere near the window; Nicky could hear him talking as he walked Soph and Loz to his van. The day had held far more human interaction than Nicky could handle. Even so, he wished with an awful sort of desperation that Cai was back in the study annoying him with his presence.

  Being tied up had… brought back a lot of memories. If he let them, his thoughts circled in his mind like vultures waiting to pick at his bones. They whispered things like Cai wasn’t going to come back. Why would he? Nicky was alone. He was always alone. She would come again, or she wouldn’t, it didn’t matter—the threat was enough. The threat had always been enough. Nicky squeezed his eyes and tried to imagine he was made of stone.

  “Nicky?”

  The door shifted. Heart hammering, Nicky shot to his feet. It was Cai. Cai had said his name. It was definitely Cai. Pain shot from his fingertips to his elbows as he quickly pulle
d away the chair so Cai could lift the door open.

  “Hey. It’s only me,” Cai said redundantly as he stood in the now open doorway.

  “I know it’s only you. I wouldn’t have moved the chair away from the door if I didn’t know it was you,” Nicky snapped. His teeth were chattering. He clenched his jaw to stop them and stalked across the room to perch his backside on the desk. With the blandest expression he could manage, he folded his hurting arms across his chest and crossed his legs and watched as Cai hefted the door back into place. It was a killer position for his arms but he was on the edge of flying apart and he needed to hold himself together in any way possible.

  Time seemed to skip and all at once and Cai had fixed the door closed and was peering at him, head cocked to the side. “Shall I make us a hot drink?”

  Nicky nodded. He didn’t trust himself to speak.

  For a moment Cai appeared to be waiting for Nicky to tell him where the stove and the other things he’d need were. Nicky looked down at the dusty floor. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t do anything. He felt as though he were caught in that moment when you woke from a nightmare and the real and the imaginary worlds were still blurred.

  “Lie down before you fall down, please?”

  Nicky felt himself swaying and blinked. He was standing but only just.

  Cai stood in front of him, looking uncertain and yet braced to catch him. Nicky didn’t know if he’d dozed off, blanked out or time had skipped forwards again.

  The kettle was bubbling softly somewhere behind him. The gas stove hissing. The fire crackling. His heart beating. Nicky eased himself sideways, using the desk as support, and lowered himself into the nearest chair. It wasn’t even a soft chair. Something warm and blankety draped over him as he keeled over onto his side. Even the pain in his arms couldn’t keep him awake.

  When he opened his eyes again, it was to find Cai kneeling on the floor wrapping a bandage around his arm. Instinctively, Nicky yanked his arm away. The bandage cut into him and pain seared through his body all the way to his toes, sending his heart racing. His other arm was already bandaged. He had an urge to tear it off. How had he not woken up?

  “Your burns could get infected if they’re left like that.”

  Nicky blinked himself fully awake. “I’ll do it.” He snatched the roll of bandage from Cai’s fingers and pushed himself upright.

  The shivery sickness from earlier had passed. Wondering how long he’d been asleep, he looked around. The fact that he’d relaxed enough to fall asleep while anyone was here shocked him. Perhaps he’d passed out after all. “Where’s Sophie and Loz?”

  “Sleeping. We made a bed in the corner, behind the desk.” Cai’s gaze searched his. Pleading, hopeful. All of it unwanted. “Thank you, for this. You could have told me to go, and you didn’t.”

  Nicky looked away, fixed his eyes on the desk. “Maybe I didn’t think you’d listen if I did.”

  Shifting, Cai turned towards the fireplace, where the fire continued to burn brightly. “You know I would have.”

  He looked so young in the flickering firelight. Nicky didn’t think he could ever remember being that young. Cai was going to get himself hurt; he left himself open to it.

  For a moment, there was only the crackling sound of the fire.

  The bandage was damp. Nicky spotted the jug next to Cai and dipped the bandage in the water. Wet seemed like a good idea. “Why do the police think you started the fire?”

  Cai kept staring at the flames. “I have a criminal record. They have someone on CCTV who looks like me. Shitty luck. I don’t know…. Why did that woman tie you up? What did she want?”

  Bodies, Nicky.

  Nicky began winding the bandage around his arm, around and around and around. It probably didn’t need to go above his elbow but the fabric was cool and reassuring against his skin, and he liked the way it held him in.

  Cai kept watching him. It wore Nicky down. “I don’t know. I never asked for this.”

  “That makes two of us.” Cai brought his knees to his chest and rested his chin on them. “Life can be pretty shitty.”

  Pessimism didn’t suit Cai. It made him seem even younger, which for some reason annoyed Nicky more. Lance hadn’t ever seemed young. Lance always knew the answers. Everything had always made sense to Lance, when nothing ever made sense to Nicky. Actually, he’d hated that. At least Cai would never make him feel stupid—if Nicky knew anything at all, he knew Cai wasn’t an arrogant shit.

  “Why were you in prison?”

  Cai glanced at his face, then away. “Arson. I burned a warehouse down.”

  “Enjoy a bit of mindless destruction?”

  “No. I made a bad decision.”

  “Sounds like it.”

  Huffing out a breath, Cai turned back to him. “I didn’t go out thinking I’m going to burn down a warehouse today. It just ended up that way.” He sighed. “There was a kid at the home I was in, Jacob. He had a few difficulties dealing with stuff and his family didn’t want him around.” Cai’s voice had gone quiet, and it annoyed Nicky that he had to lean closer to hear. He didn’t want his interest to be so obvious. “In general life had been pretty shitty for him. I’d made these fireworks and he was fascinated. It was the first time I’d seen him smile. I asked him if he wanted to help me set them off. He wasn’t supposed to go anywhere without his carer but I was eighteen and figured I could look after him, so I took him out of the house one night and we went down to this wasteland I knew would be deserted, behind some old warehouses. Only, it was raining and Jacob didn’t like the rain, so we ended up inside one of the buildings. I was looking around. I wasn’t watching him.” Cai stared back at the fire.

  “So he set them off. Not you? So why did you go prison for it?”

  “It was my fault.”

  “Why didn’t you tell them it was an accident?”

  “Because he’d done stuff like that before and it wasn’t his fault, it was mine for taking him there. And I didn’t want to make his life any worse because of a mistake I’d made.”

  “So the reason you went to prison was entirely down to you having some sort of fucked-up hero complex.”

  Cai turned, a wounded look in his eyes. Is this what he looked like when he was about to snap? Nicky watched closely—shoulders tensed, fingers locked around the cushioned seat, bracing himself—but the emotion in Cai’s eyes faded, swallowed back into whatever depthless calm Cai carried inside him, and he turned back to stare at the fire. “Why do you like provoking people?”

  “I like to know how easy people are to provoke.”

  “I don’t lose my temper easily.”

  “But you do lose your temper.” Had he lost it with Cyril? Nicky hadn’t really been able to tell from inside the house.

  Sighing, Cai said, “Someone hurt you. That’s why you’re so afraid. I don’t mean the woman tonight—I know this isn’t about her.”

  The words sent Nicky reeling. He tried not to show it, but how the fuck did Cai know anything? Needing to cover his reaction, he said, “So how is Jacob now? Do you regret covering for him?”

  Cai blew air out of his nose and blinked. Nicky knew he was being a prick but he was getting to Cai, badly. He wasn’t sure he could make him lose his temper like this, though.

  Shaking his head, Cai sighed loudly. “We don’t need to do this. I’m not asking questions to see what hurts you, or to see what gets a reaction. I don’t like—” Cai waved his arms as though he’d run out of the right words. “—games. If you ask me something you want to know, I’ll tell you because I want to. Believe it or not, I was enjoying getting to know you this past week.” He gave a frustrated-sounding huff.

  The past week had been… peaceful, calm. Nicky had…. Fuck it. Nicky had liked it too. Even though he’d tried not to. Cai was supposed to be here to cut the plants away from this tomb of a house, so Nicky could somehow see a way out. That was all. And yet after three weeks, Nicky’s feelings had become as tangled and unwanted as all the
damn plants. Probably it was because Cai was the first person he’d been in contact with after two years of only Lance, and he’d imprinted on him like a little duckling. Ugh, what a horrible thought.

  You do like him, though. You can’t deny it. Look at all this guilt you’re feeling because you upset him.

  Shut up.

  Pushing the voice out of his head, Nicky said quietly, “I’m sorry about your flat.”

  Cai made a soft sound, but he was turned away and Nicky couldn’t see his face to tell if it was a bad, upset sort of sound or a resigned sort of one. Before he knew what he was doing, Nicky had placed his hand on Cai’s shoulder. The instant Cai turned, Nicky panicked and snatched his hand away, shoved it between the chair cushion and his thigh and concentrated on staring at the bandage around his upper arm again so he didn’t have to keep looking at the surprise in Cai’s expression.

  Cai turned away again. Nicky watched as he rolled his shoulders back, big muscles moving fluidly. It was fascinating. At times like this Cai didn’t seem big and clumsy at all. He was all grace.

  “You know, eighteen months in a young offenders’ institute and I’ve never felt as much of a criminal as I do tonight. I’m sorry I broke your door. I was….” Cai sighed. “I came out of that place with nothing and here I am again.”

  “Your insurance will pay for everything, surely?” Nicky asked, trying to push through the awkwardness. It was all so awkward. Talking was always awkward when the conversation wasn’t a game of strategic moves.

  “You’re joking.” Cai’s laugh was bitter and it didn’t suit him at all. “I couldn’t afford insurance. Before you gave me this job we could barely afford to eat.”

  “So what are you going to do?”

  The question seemed to hang in the air. Quiet minutes passed. The fire crackled and popped, the house creaked, the wind tossed leaves around outside. Nicky fiddled with his bandaged arms and lay back down, knowing he wasn’t going to be able to get comfortable whatever position he was in. His arms hurt too badly. Sophie and Loz had thought it best not to risk trying to get painkillers and being asked their ages. Nicky told himself he would get used to the pain. It was the only way to deal with it. Faced with the terror of being tied up, a pain that would eventually fade was nothing. Nicky had done what he’d had to do to get that tape off, and here he was, untied, not having a breakdown, alive. Thinking about it was only going to make him anxious. Instead he counted his breaths and stared at Cai’s back until he found himself relaxing, transfixed by the thick sweep of Cai’s muscles beneath his T-shirt, the shift of them as he breathed—tense at first, then slower and slower. Nicky focussed until they were breathing in unison.