Light Up the Dark

by Suki Fleet

  The gash on Cai’s head had stopped bleeding. One side of his face was stiff with the drying blood. He’d glanced in the mirror but he didn’t want to touch it. His head pounded. Even if he had a concussion, he suspected there wasn’t a great deal of urgency about getting him to hospital. He wasn’t likely going to sleep any time soon. But he said “Okay” because it was the focus Nicky needed.

  The van chugged to life.

  “You can do this,” Cai said again softly.

  Nicky gave him a tight nod and swallowed as he put the van into gear.

  It was obvious Nicky hadn’t driven for a long time, but he could drive and they made it to the end of the driveway, then out onto the country road.

  Cai sent Soph another text saying he’d meet them in an hour or so. School would have finished half an hour ago, but the library had a café where they could sit and wait and be safe.

  Nicky said shakily. “Tell me where to go.”

  “Left. You’re doing fine.”

  But he wasn’t. Not really. A bus blew past them in a hurry and the van shook and shuddered in its wake, as old vans tended to do. Nicky’s breathing began to sound ragged and too fast. There was lay-by up ahead, surrounded by tall trees.

  The house was a barely visible speck behind them. Miles away.

  “Want to pull over for a minute?”

  The van jerked to a halt and Nicky pushed the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. Cai passed him the envelope he’d breathed into last time and held back from touching him. Nicky breathed and breathed and breathed.

  Then he stopped and threw the envelope across the dashboard and punched the steering wheel. “Ohfuckohfuckohfuck.”

  Seeing someone wound up in pain and not knowing what the hell to do to help them was the worst.

  Suddenly Nicky’s hand grasped his, his touch electrifying and vice-like. “Holdmeholdmeholdme. Please fucking hold me.”

  Masks, Nicky

  Don’t trust him, Nicky. Don’t trust anyone.

  But Nicky knew without trust he wasn’t going to make it. Cai opened his arms and Nicky crawled onto Cai’s lap. He touched his fingertips to the blood on Cai’s face. Then buried his hands in Cai’s wet bloody hair. Cai closed his eyes.

  “Hurts,” Nicky said, meaning everything. Meaning both of them. The push and the pull of it. Meaning Cai’s pain was now his.

  “I know. I’m sorry,” Cai whispered, his voice rough, his arms squeezing Nicky so tight that must have hurt him too—as though they could share all their pain. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

  Cai was so solid beneath him, so safe.

  Cheek pressed against cheek, they grew warm as they held one another. Nicky knew if they kissed that would be it. He’d give himself over to it. He’d be lost and found and everything in between. Everything he told himself he didn’t want, and everything he knew he did. The more he thought about kissing the more he wanted it. Needed it. Fuck, how he needed it.

  Raising his head, he pressed his lips against Cai’s, and for a moment he felt as though he was stepping out over an abyss. Perhaps he wouldn’t survive the fall, but if he was honest he started falling weeks ago and there was nothing he could do about it.

  The kiss became an open-mouthed exchange of hitching breath, the both of them holding back, until the wanting/longing/aching became too much and Nicky licked deep into Cai’s mouth.

  He never kissed liked this. Like it mattered. And he lost himself to it, so intensely turned on he couldn’t think straight. It felt like dying, like letting go and being reborn over and over and over again. The past didn’t exist; the future could be unlocked in every moment.

  When Cai shifted beneath him, fingers digging into Nicky’s hips possessively, and growled deep in his throat, Nicky felt like an animal, and every nerve he possessed thrummed yes. More. He bit down on Cai’s lip, wanting Cai to be rougher, for his touch to leave bruises.

  Cai clutched him tightly and Nicky rocked their hips together. His dick was so hard it hurt. He needed the ache. The pain. He needed to know it was real.

  With a fierce yank, he ripped his top off over his head. Immediately, Cai’s warm callused hands were everywhere, stroking his ribs, his back, then—fucking finally—finding his nipples. His thick fingers pinching and rolling as Nicky gasped.

  “Fuck yes,” he said as Cai bent forwards and licked and nipped at the sensitive skin until the whole area surrounding his nipples was raw and redder than Nicky’s hair. Nicky threw his head back, splaying himself out on the dashboard, not sure he could take it and not wanting Cai to ever stop.

  “Fuckmefuckmefuckme,” he whined, shoving down his trousers. He didn’t care that they were in a barely secluded lay-by. That he was half naked. Nothing mattered. Only this. Only Cai. Cai being closer than close. Cai inside him, his heart beating like an echo in time.

  That moment back at the house, when he’d seen Cai shot and unmoving on the floor, had changed things. Everything perhaps. A single split second and he’d lost him. Lost something so good, something so bright and alive, something that lit up the darkness inside him. Something that turned to face the shadows and didn’t back away. He had nothing worthy of these feelings. Nothing to give in return except his trust. And he was trying. Fuck, he was trying. Surrendering.

  Things slowed. The expression on Cai’s face was full of wonder, lust and something deeper, stronger, that made Nicky’s heart pound.

  “Head okay?” he stuttered. Talking was hard work but he knew it wasn’t necessary with Cai watched him so closely.

  Cai raised an eyebrow. “This is taking my mind off it.”

  He helped Nicky pull off his shoes so Nicky could struggle out of his trousers entirely, and then he sat still and wide-eyed as Nicky straddled his lap, dick pushing up against Cai’s hard stomach. As gently as possible, Nicky removed Cai’s top and splayed his palms over Cai’s chest, feeling his heart thunder.

  Tell me this is what you want, he asked with his eyes. Tell me you want it as much as I do. That it means the same to you as it does to me. That you want more than to fuck me.

  Everything in Cai’s expression said yes. He had to believe that.

  Nicky unbuttoned Cai’s jeans. The material was soaked and difficult and his fingers were shaking with need. He wanted to rip the bandages off his arms too, but it would take too long. He wanted nothing between them, only skin—though he wished he could somehow crawl out of that, that they could share the same space in the world, just for a moment be a single entity, all their thoughts and feelings curled around one another.

  Cai lifted his hips and Nicky tugged his jeans down his thighs. He bumped their dicks together and Cai grinned, all open and honest and young. Fuck, twenty was so young. It seemed aeons ago that he was that young.

  “I’m twenty-nine,” Nicky found himself saying out of nowhere. He squeezed his eyes shut and winced. There was so much they didn’t know about one another. What was he doing?

  “You’re fucking hot, old man,” Cai whispered, spreading his legs wide and slowly rocking against him.

  Warm fingers wrapped around Nicky’s dick and he thrust into them, just as a finger brushed over his hole. Nicky arched, eyes rolling back in his head. He grabbed Cai’s hand and sucked two of his fingers deep into his mouth, covering them with spit. Then he tugged Cai’s hand back to where it had been.

  “Want to… use spit? Or do you… want to… make me come… first?” he gasped. All his brain could think about was what Cai’s finger was doing to his arsehole.

  It wouldn’t take much to make him come.

  Cai swallowed. “Fuck, come as lube? Uh… I’ve never. That would be hot. Or. There’s hand lotion in the glove compartment. Unscented, water-soluble stuff. Fuck, I’m talking too much. And swearing as bad as you.”

  Nicky kissed him. He was going to fucking burst if he didn’t somehow express this lightness filling his heart. The feeling was so new to him.

  The delicious wet sounds of Cai’s mouth against his; the feel of Cai�
�s tongue licking and sliding; Cai’s finger stroking deep inside him, and still he wanted more. He pushed back, making Cai fuck his finger in and out deeper and rougher.

  The handle to the glove compartment was digging in his hip. Yeah, he wanted to come and slather it all over Cai’s dick and have him fuck him with it, because it would turn Cai on like fucking whoa, but he also wanted to wait and keep this feeling, this ache for as long as he could hold onto it. He wanted to come hard with Cai’s dick buried balls deep in his arse. He wanted… fuck, he wanted. It had been so long since he’d wanted anything this badly. Had he ever wanted anything this badly?

  Nicky scrabbled with the latch and the glove compartment flopped open. Blindly he felt around for a bottle or a tube amongst all the rubbish, sending receipts and copper coins flying. Cai stopped kissing him and reached into the mess of stuff. He pulled out a small bottle and shoved it in Nicky’s hand. Nicky didn’t even look at it. He opened the cap with his teeth and squirted the creamy lotion into Cai’s palm, before flinging the bottle on the passenger seat.

  Cai’s eyes were wide, his pupils blown. “I want to rim you first.”

  “Ngh.” Nicky was going to lose it. Shuddering, he rubbed his palm over the wet tip of his dick, and then he rubbed it over Cai’s, smearing the wetness between them. “You rim me in a car in a lay-by I’m gonna lose control pretty fast,” he gasped.

  “I’ll rim you after, then.”

  Fucking hell. Nicky was his.

  The lotion was watery and it got everywhere. Nicky’s thighs were slick with it as they slid against Cai’s.

  Face to face, Cai jerked him off with one hand and rubbed his dick against Nicky’s hole again and again with the other.

  Nicky spoke through gritted teeth. “Stop with… the… fucking foreplay.”

  Fingers gripped his hip and he felt Cai tense his thighs, and in one smooth, slow move he fucked into Nicky. Just an inch or two. It hurt. And it didn’t. Mostly, it took Nicky’s breath away. He tried to relax and sink down, but it had been a long time and his body locked up, wanting to get used to the sensation. Cai waited, not forcing anything, though Nicky could feel his thighs trembling from the effort of holding back.

  Letting go of his hip, Cai stroked down his back. “Can I undo your hair?” he asked.

  It was such a tentative question. So strange that Cai could still be shy when his dick was halfway pushed into Nicky’s arse. Why was he even asking? Did he realise Nicky would let him do just about anything right then? “You’re so weird,” he breathed.

  Biting his lip, he threw his head back and sank down. Slow slow slow. Cai’s dick was hot all the way inside him—a fire in his belly. He couldn’t take him any deeper. His eyes rolled back in his head and he leaned his weight on the dash so he didn’t just keel over bonelessly. There were cars passing on the road, behind the trees metres away. Anyone could stop here and see them.

  Nicky touched his dick, just lightly, just with his fingertips. He could sense Cai was watching him intently as he rocked his hips, a barely there movement, a ship’s roll on a calm sea. They weren’t going to fuck noisy and rough like animals, not this time. This time it was more. This time it was a barely breathing intensity that felt bigger than everything, excruciating and perfect.

  Gentle fingers untangled the knots in his hair and spread the strands over his shoulders. He was on the verge of giving himself over, his bones melting.

  Drawing him close, Cai pressed his face in Nicky’s hair and panted wet breaths against Nicky’s collarbone. He touched Nicky’s dick and that was it. Nicky trembled and jerked his hips, felt Cai thrusting deep and hard to meet him.

  “I’m gonna come,” Nicky gasped. “Stay inside me. Fuck me again.”

  Cai growled. Nicky felt the moment Cai started to come apart. Felt the warmth of it bursting deep inside him. A split second later the world whited out and he shuddered violently, squeezing his eyes shut and clutching Cai’s shoulders as he came.

  When he opened his eyes, there was a red curtain around them. They were still locked together, Cai inside him, though not as hard, not as deep. Somehow it felt even more intense and intimate after like this, when every sensation Nicky felt could be heightened to the point of pain. But Nicky welcomed every needle-sharp feeling. It was slick and wet and the chill of the late afternoon air made goosebumps of his skin. In the space of a few minutes the sky had darkened drastically.

  Cupping Nicky’s face with his palm, Cai’s swallowed, then started to speak. “I think I’m—” Nicky placed a finger against his lips to stop him and shook his head. No words.

  I’m fucking yours, Nicky thought, holding eye contact. He reached out and touched Cai’s still blood-streaked face, mirroring his gesture. Can’t you see that?

  Cai nodded, then looked down. Nicky’s come covered his chest and stomach. Cai ran a finger through it and brought it to his mouth, and then he spread his palm and smeared the rest.

  Nicky raised an eyebrow. There would be no showering until they had somewhere to sleep for the night.

  There was something glittering and bright about the way Cai looked at him. Mischievous. “I want to smell of you. Of sex and you. I want it all over me. All over you.”

  Nicky laughed, then yelped as Cai reached down to cup his dick, his palm sticky and too fucking much.

  Stricken, Cai asked, “Not okay?”

  “Sensitive. Hurts. Keep your hand there. I’ll get hard.”

  “Masochist.”

  “Only for you.”

  They fucked again. Nicky bit Cai’s shoulder, his chest, wanted Cai laid out and restrained so he could explore him, but this wasn’t the time and he wasn’t sure how Cai would react to being tied.

  Cai flipped Nicky over, and he knelt on all fours, half on the passenger seat, his hands gripping the driver’s door handle. He bit into the musty material covering the driver’s seat and yelled as Cai clutched his hips and fucked him harder. The van rocked.

  Now they were animals, existing only for this purpose, only this moment. Now Nicky could forget.

  “How’s your head?” Nicky asked, leaning on Cai’s shoulder, his fingers tracing whorls in Cai’s chest hair. Some of the hair was sticky and matted. It was so dark now, he could hardly see his hand. They both stank of sex and sweat, their skin sticky with it. He smiled wryly to himself.

  “It’s still banging.”

  Nicky pushed himself upright. “You should have said.”

  “It’s okay. I’m okay.”

  Nicky gazed at him sceptically. The gash was a shadow on Cai’s face. Guilt crawled around his stomach. Cai had been shot; even if the bullet didn’t actually hit him, they should have gone straight to the hospital. What if it got infected? What if the impact had caused a bleed on his brain? What if—

  Cai took his hand. “Hey. Stop it.” Nicky blinked up at him. “Stop thinking the worst. You’ve tensed up like you’re preparing for an attack, you know?” Cai frowned. “I wanted to lie here like this with you. I didn’t want to move. I wish we could stay here and do it again, over and over.”

  Nicky’s lips twitched. The over and over might need to wait a day or two until he could sit down without wincing. Unless Cai was willing to be fucked. Yet another thing Nicky had no idea about. Not that it was a deal breaker. It would make things even more interesting if Cai was up for switching, though. The thought startled him. Looking away, Nicky pinched his arm. When was the last time he’d thought of the future like that? Easily. As though he expected there to be one for him.

  He didn’t understand how it was possible to feel like this. Especially now. Now the truth of everything was there, so close to the surface.

  Cai was still talking. “We should go and pick up Soph and Loz. The library doesn’t shut ’til six but we’ve left them waiting a while. Then we’ll see what the hospital says.”

  They dressed. Well, Cai pulled up his jeans, and Nicky laughed when he realised they’d never come off, that they’d been pooled around his ankles, and his
boots were still on his feet. “You were rocking the seedy, desperate, fucking in a lay-by look,” he snorted, trying to plat his hair and still finding leaves and twigs tangled in the strands from his fall in the garden earlier, and ignoring Cai’s scowl as he did it.

  The thought that the next time he washed his hair it would be in a different place made his heart race. “Still want me to drive?” he asked.

  Driving needed every bit of his concentration. It didn’t let him think about anything else.

  “Yeah, probably a good idea.” Cai reached across him and switched on the headlights, lighting up every tree in the lay-by.

  Slinging his hair over his shoulder, Nicky stuffed his feet into his shoes and clipped his seat belt in. He could do this. He’d walked out of the house he’d been too scared to leave for two years and had bone-melting sex in a van in a lay-by with a guy he was prepared to kill for. He could definitely do this.

  Fingers as steady as they’d ever be, he twisted the key in the ignition and the van shuddered to life. He was ready.

  But beside him, Cai wasn’t moving. He didn’t even have his jumper back on. The screen of his phone lit up the van.

  “Soph didn’t text me back.” Cai spoke so quietly, Nicky had to hold his breath to hear him. “She always texts me back. I didn’t even think about it.” He looked up, his eyes wide and worried in the eerie phone-lit gloom. He didn’t need to say why he hadn’t thought about it. “What if she didn’t get my text? What if she’s gone back to the house? What if….”

  Nicky didn’t want him to finish that thought. Cai’s worry was infectious. “Did you try Loz? Did you try calling?”

  Cai lifted the phone to his ear and Nicky turned the engine off and stared into the darkness.

  Somewhere Sophie’s phone was ringing and ringing but no one picked it up. Loz’s phone went straight to voice mail.

  The rain had stopped and Nicky hadn’t even noticed. “Text her again.” Perhaps it was noisy where she was, perhaps she hadn’t heard it. “If she doesn’t reply, we’ll….” Go back.

  Nicky wasn’t selfless; he was just self-aware enough to know this was his fault. It was his fucking around with Cai that had delayed them. If they’d gone straight to town, everything would have been fine. Probably.