The Green Red Green

by Red Green

  How? Clamp the ball in a large vise so the finger holes face down. Sand the top side of the ball until it’s somewhat flat. Remove from vise. Turn the ball over so it rests on its flat surface. Put flowers in the finger holes. (Drill more holes for a fuller bouquet.)

  Baby Playpen Wine Rack

  Have your babies grown up and reached drinking age? Don’t throw out their old playpen, because your kids’ll probably get married, have nine kids of their own, become unemployed, and announce they’re moving back into your home.

  If you get lucky and they don’t move back, why not turn that playpen into a lovely wine rack? After all, with the kids gone, you can afford some nice wine.

  How? Disassemble the playpen, making sure not to wreck the four sides. Take two sides and lay one on top of the other, at right angles, so that the posts form a cross pattern. Screw, nail, glue, or—better still—duct-tape the two sides together. Repeat with the remaining two sides. Join them with short lengths of wood. And you’ve got a wine rack! Now stock it with baby bottles filled with homemade beer. Then when you’re thirsty, grab a bottle and suck on the nipple. Is that heaven or what?

  Steam Rad Circus Calliope

  When you convert your house from hot-water radiators to forced-air gas, save a couple of those old iron rads. They’ll make a great steam calliope, like the ones the old circuses used to have before they all went bankrupt.

  How? I’m not sure. Our house has electric baseboard heaters. But it shouldn’t be hard.

  THE JOY OF MIDDLE AGE

  I want to talk to all you middle-aged guys about the fading urges, the sense that you are maybe not the passionate lover you once were—at least the way you tell it.

  First of all, the fact that you’ve changed from a young stag who is eager to rut into an old drag who’s stuck in a rut is a good thing. There is less chance you’ll become a father at a time when you no longer have the patience or the energy or the brain power to, say, help with homework.

  Another upside to the loss of your sex drive is that once or twice a week, for a few fleeting minutes, you’ll actually be able to concentrate on other stuff, like, say, your job.

  So accept the declining desire. Your wife is probably just as happy to read in bed and you get to watch all the hockey games, even if there’s overtime.

  THE BIG CHILL

  I was kind of a rebellious teenager, looking to lash out against authority. And I could always find someone willing to take me on. Nowadays, I walk away from confrontational people and spend my time with friends.

  I recommend that instead of looking for people to hit, we all start looking for people to hug. But not in a subway full of strangers. I’ll never make that mistake again.

  HOW STRONG IS YOUR MARRIAGE?

  Find out with this quiz. The questions apply to both men and women. You and your significant other should answer these questions honestly and openly. Just never, ever show each other your answers.

  1) My marriage is more important to me than:

  a) my work

  b) my weekend

  c) my own chances for long-term happiness

  2) When I have a serious problem, I know I can count on my spouse to:

  a) be there for me

  b) laugh at me

  c) be the source of it all

  d) blab it to all his/her friends

  3) My spouse and I laugh at the same things:

  a) usually

  b) rarely

  c) only if they happen to me

  4) I would say that my spouse feels like our sex life is:

  a) exciting

  b) adequate

  c) distracting

  d) a vague memory

  5) I think it’s important for a couple to share the same:

  a) values

  b) religious beliefs

  c) cutlery

  d) undershorts

  6) My spouse buys special fancy silk undergarments for me to wear:

  a) now and then

  b) all the time

  c) when my hernia flares up

  7) On our honeymoon, my spouse and I discovered:

  a) how much we love each other

  b) how much we love hot tubs

  c) how much we love all the great movies on the hotel’s pay TV

  8) As a couple, we try to set aside quality time for each other:

  a) at least twice a day

  b) at least once a week

  c) during commercials

  9) The famous couple we are most like is:

  a) Romeo and Juliet

  b) Sonny and Cher

  c) Brad and Angelina

  d) the Bismarck and the Hood

  10) If my spouse and I had to do it all over again, knowing what we know now:

  a) we would get married again

  b) we would live together first

  c) I’d kill myself

  d) I’d kill him/her

  e) I’d hold out for a bigger dowry

  f) I’d hold out for a bigger everything

  g) I’d hold out

  HOW TO ANSWER WHEN SHE ASKS THE “AM I FAT?” QUESTION

  There are certain times when the woman in your life will ask you a question and you won’t have time to think about your answer. This is the worst one.

  You’re not going to say yes unless you have a death wish, but you have to say no the right way or this conversation will go into triple overtime. Just say no. Right away. As soon as she asks. Just say no. Just like that. No pause. No thinking it over. No saying, “Well … no, not really.”

  But don’t go too far the other way either. You can’t say, “What, you? Fat? Ha! Get serious. Don’t make me laugh! Tell me another one! Sure, all your friends are fat, and so are your sisters, but not you! No way! You’re like an underfed chicken. It’s sickening how thin you are.” Because as I believe Shakespeare said, “Methinks the lady doth process too much.”

  So when she asks, “Am I fat?” just say no and then ask her to go out for dinner. That way you’ll look like a hero, and since she’s worried about her weight, she’ll probably refuse the invitation. It’s a win-win.

  THE OVER-FIFTIES: A WORD

  I want to talk to you middle-aged guys about job security. I’ve had a few jobs myself over the years, so I know the pink-slip warning signs. If you skip off work for a day and nobody notices, that’s a bad sign. Or your boss keeps showing new employees around your office and asking them, “What about here?” That’s not good. Or you take a one-week holiday and they replace you with a twelve-year-old kid who doesn’t speak English. Then when you return, he gets a going-away party where everybody cries. And your boss writes down the kid’s home phone number.

  If this sounds familiar to you, there are several steps you can take to prepare for the inevitable disaster.

  Step one: Marry someone who has a job.

  Step two: Get on first-name terms with everybody at the employment insurance place.

  But most of all, don’t get down on yourself. Try to look on the bright side of being unemployed. Your time’s your own. No traffic problems—you wake up in the morning and you’re there.

  When I was between jobs, from early June of 1982 to late August of 1989, I managed to keep my head up. A lot of people are working hard making money doing something they don’t enjoy (work), whereas you’re taking it easy making zip doing something you love (nothing). It’s not such a bad trade-off.

  TIPS FOR INVESTORS

  Thinking of investing in the stock market? Or mutual funds? Or land in Florida? Here are some things to look for and some things to avoid in any opportunity.

  Good Signs

  • Your investment is insured.

  • The investment company is using its own letterhead, not stationery from a local motel.

  • Other investors include large companies, well-known business figures, and members of organized crime.

  • The mutual fund never invests in Canadian-made movies or sitcoms.

  Bad Signs

&nb
sp; • The salesman only lets you read every other page of the documents you have to sign.

  • The salesman wears a paper bag on his head.

  • The fine print on the contract is in a foreign language.

  • Your investment counsellor drives a pink Cadillac with huge fuzzy dice, a fun fur interior, and the licence plate “TUFF Guy.”

  • The head of the fund has to borrow cab fare to get home.

  • They promise a million percent annual profit on your investment.

  IN PRAISE OF OLDER MOWERS

  When I was a kid, we had an old pull-start lawn mower. You’d tie a knot in one end of a rope and hook that into the hub on top, and then give it a good yank. Sometimes, if your brother was standing too close, the knotted end of the rope would whip out and nail him in the groinal area. That was always good for a laugh. Eventually the knot would break off and you’d have to tie another and then another, and in time, the rope got too short to use. So you’d go to the hardware store and buy a new piece and start the process all over again. It was inconvenient and sometimes irritating, but on the other hand, you always knew how to fix the problem, and that made you feel strong and in control.

  Now, of course, we all have electric-start riding mowers. That’s progress. They’re way easier to start and they do a better, faster cutting job. The downside is that when something goes wrong you have no idea how to fix it, and that makes you feel weak and out of control. Plus, when you nail your brother in the groinal area with one of those babies, it can be serious.

  HER CAR, YOUR FAULT

  She scrimped and saved her own money for two years to buy that car. She did not give you permission to drive it. But you just had to go behind her back and take it for a drive anyway, didn’t you? And you just had to go to a lumberyard and pick up two sheets of drywall and then try to jam them into that tiny little hatchback. And you just had to rip the upholstery on the roof. Now what are you going to tell her? Well, you’re not going to tell her anything. Not yet. First you have to ditch the drywall, hop back in the car, and go pick up her three nephews. Yes, those three rotten, destructive children of Satan. Take them out somewhere for ice cream and pop and chocolate. Lots of chocolate. And make sure they spend at least an hour in her car. By the time those hyenas are done, your rip on the roof liner’s going to look like an afterthought. That’ll get you off the hook. How can she get mad at you? You were just trying to give her nephews a treat. It’s not your fault they’re destructive, nasty little sociopaths. They’re family.

  TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT BE NON-COMMUNICATIVE

  1) When you phone somebody, you’re hoping to get his voicemail.

  2) You never ask anyone a question because you have no interest in her answer.

  3) When you have a passenger in your car, you turn the radio up as loud as it will go.

  4) You spend a lot of time alone in the garage.

  5) When you have something to say, you speak loudly without taking a pause and then quickly exit the room.

  6) Email is your favourite method of communication because you can say whatever you want without interruption and then delete the reply without reading it.

  7) Instead of saying “Good morning” when you come upon someone you know walking in the street, you pretend to see something important in the distance and start running toward it.

  8) Your office phone has been set on voicemail since 1991.

  9) On the rare occasion when you send greeting cards, you don’t sign them.

  10) You wear headphones that aren’t plugged into anything.

  WHY MEN WON’T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS

  I need to talk to all you ladies out there to help you understand why we men do the things we do. For example, why won’t we stop and ask for directions when we’re lost? It all comes down to pride. We’re out there driving around in our own vehicle, burning gas, wearing sunglasses, looking good. People who see us driving by would never guess that we have no idea where we are. And we don’t want to tell them.

  A man doesn’t enjoy the thought of going up to total strangers and saying, “You may not know this, but I’m a moron.” In contrast, the woman he’s travelling with is often eager to share this knowledge with the world. It somehow eases her burden.

  To a woman, getting lost on a trip is a blameless act of nature; to a man, it’s a personal failure. He knew where he was when he left home, but he doesn’t know where he is now. Somewhere along the way, he crossed the line from the world he knows into the world he doesn’t know. This is how he felt when he got married or had kids. If he admits he’s lost in the car, he’ll have to admit that he’s lost everywhere, and that’s way too much to ask. So just bite your tongue and circle the block a few more times. Men aren’t lost—they just go the long way round.

  THE SEVEN STAGES OF PARKING

  What are we all looking for as we drive down the highway of life? A decent place to park.

  Stage One

  You’re a kid. All you have to park is your butt.

  Stage Two

  You’re a teenager and you park with a girl who has a good chance of becoming your future wife.

  Stage Three

  You’re married with kids and are parking a minivan at the McDonald’s with the play area.

  Stage Four

  The kids are grown and working at McDonald’s. You’ve got a sports car and are caught parking with a girl who has no chance of becoming your future wife. This leads immediately to …

  Stage Five

  You’re parking in the garage, where you’re also living for a while.

  Stage Six

  You’re old—no car, no licence, no parking spot.

  Stage Seven

  You’re parked. Permanently. In your own space. Even has your name over it.

  AN EXTRAORDINARY MAN

  I was watching one of those biography shows on television this week, and they called this particular guy an “extraordinary man.” I was intimidated. But on the other hand, my wife says being a man isn’t a particularly high calling. So being an “extraordinary” one might be even worse.

  Let’s break the word down: “extra”—which means superfluous, waste, one too many (I’ve been there)—and “ordinary”—which means common, average, nothing special. When you put them together, you get “extraordinary,” which must mean being completely average in a totally superfluous way.

  So I’ve decided that I am extraordinary too. And so are most of my friends. I’m just amazed that somebody like me became the subject of a television show.

  HOW TO TELL WHEN A MAN IS CLUELESS

  Attention ladies—men are drawn to machines like moths to a flame. Especially if the machine is broken. However, when a woman has a broken machine, the last thing she needs is an interfering guy who has no idea what he’s doing. It’s fine if that guy is her husband or her neighbour, because then she knows he’s an idiot and can keep him away. But with strangers, it can be hard to tell. So here are some signs that indicate this guy has no idea what he’s doing:

  • He stares at the machine for more than ten minutes without moving or speaking.

  • He tells you to shut the machine off.

  • He finds a control and turns it a little and waits. Then he turns it a lot and waits. Then he turns it back to its original position.

  • He burns himself on something and pretends it never happened.

  • He sprays the entire machine and surrounding area with oil.

  • He hides his tool box.

  • As soon as another man arrives on the scene, he backs away just far enough that he regresses from participant to observer.

  A WORD TO YOUNG DRIVERS

  I know that we have a lot of young people out there reading this book as some sort of punishment, so here are a few tips on driving from someone a little older who’s been down the road a time or two.

  Let’s say you’ve just got your driver’s licence and you’re excited as heck about that, and the next thing you know, you’ve stolen a
car. And naturally you go over to your high school to do a little showing off—doing doughnuts and figure eights in the flowerbeds, up on two wheels and then in through the front doors so you can peel rubber up and down the halls. I know that may sound like a lot of fun, but please play it smart: wear your seat belt.

  ANOTHER WORD TO YOUNG DRIVERS

  I know a lot of you teenagers would kill to have your own car, but I’m hoping that won’t be necessary. Cheap cars are always available through one of those drug lord used car dealers or the police, or if that fails, just call up the hospital and see if anybody who’s in intensive care would like to sell their car. You’ll find something—just as long as you’re not picky about the make or the colour or the stains on the seats. Once you get the car, fill out the insurance form and list your grandmother as principal driver. Get yourself a part-time job at the gas station and take a couple of gallons of your work home with you every night. Make friends with one of the ratchetheads in auto shop and date a girl with money and you’ll have the best summer of your life. And you’ll have some great stories to tell the judge in traffic court.

  TATTOOS: A PERMANENTLY STUPID IDEA