The Green Red Green

by Red Green

  THE LANGUAGE OF TRUNKS

  You can pretty much tell how old a driver is by examining the contents of his trunk.

  • Spare tire-over thirty

  • Spare tire with air in it-over fifty

  • Sleeping bag-under twenty

  • Sleeping bag for sleeping-over sixty

  • Laundry-single, over twenty

  • Clean laundry-recently separated, over forty

  • Snow shovel-over thirty

  • Snowblower-over fifty

  • Bag of sand-over twenty

  • Bag of Viagra-over seventy

  • Body bag-over and out

  MIXED MESSAGES

  Life is so much more difficult because of the conflicting messages that bombard us throughout each day. And the frequency of these messages has a great impact on our decision-making process. If you get bad advice ten times more often than good advice, your chances of making the right decision are extremely remote.

  The recommendations I get in church on Sunday morning are in direct conflict with the ones I get from the bartender and his able-bodied assistants on Monday through Saturday. And church doesn’t have a happy hour. You get the same ratio from TV commercials. For every one promoting diet and fitness, there are a hundred pushing burgers and fries. What chance do we have against these kinds of odds? Maybe that’s what happens to the president. Maybe he’s got one guy telling him to do the right thing and a hundred others advising him that it’s business as usual.

  So here’s an easy solution that we can all live by: listen to everybody’s opinions but take your own advice.

  BRIGHT IDEA

  Now that I’ve got a lot more white hair in my beard and a lot less of any coloured hair on my head, I can’t help noticing that people look at me differently. I know what they’re doing. They’re pigeonholing me. Stereotyping me. Classifying me as a burnt-out old guy who should be dead soon. Maybe I’m oversensitive, but I resent that.

  I had a guy tailgating me because I was driving pretty slowly in the passing lane. I like the passing lane. No ramps. No trucks. And I’m closer to oncoming traffic, which helps keep me awake. Finally this guy swings around and passes me on the right, and as he does, he looks over at me to express some type of four-letter critique of my driving. But then he sees my old face and makes a gesture that says, “I should have known it would be an old guy.” That bugged me, so here’s what I decided: Think of your self-image as a flashlight. Think of other people’s opinion of you as another flashlight. If their flashlight is brighter than yours, you have a problem.

  I’m working hard to make sure that doesn’t happen to me. I hope I don’t run out of batteries.

  HOW TO BUILD A REVERSIBLE CAR

  Remember rear-engine cars? The Volkswagen Beetle? Or the Chevy Corvair? You didn’t need to be speeding to get a thrill out of one of those, especially the Corvair. That car was unsafe at any speed. But let’s drive down memory lane by turning a front-engined/front-wheel-drive car into a rear-engined/rear-wheel-drive classic.

  If you think you have to take the engine and all the peripheral equipment out and remount it in the trunk, think again. All you have to do is reverse the interior: turn the seats around, move the dashboard to the back, and rewire the controls.

  To remove the seats, you’ll need some tools and some oil, or else just a big hammer and an attitude. I prefer attitude to tools. I lose tools.

  Once you’ve removed the seats and the old upholstery, which you wanted to replace anyway, open the hatchback and mount the driver’s seat facing backwards. It has to be held in place by bolts or heavy clamps, or if you’re thinking like me, duct tape. (A tip: duct tape makes great car upholstery. Install it sticky side out and you won’t need seat belts.)

  Now, rather than moving all the controls to the back, connect them to a second set of controls from a boat. It should be a boat you no longer want, or one someone you know no longer wants, especially when he finds out it doesn’t have controls in it anymore.

  Rig the boat’s steering wheel to the car’s steering wheel and the boat’s hand throttle to the car’s gas pedal. And for the car’s brake pedal, use the anchor rope.

  The only remaining problem is that the white headlights are at the back and the red tail lights are up front. Easy to fix with a large screwdriver. Take the screwdriver and smash the red lenses of the tail lights. Then go around the back (formerly the front) and turn the headlights into tail lights by clipping red plastic bowls over them.

  It’s just that easy to turn a front-engined/front-wheel-drive car into a rear-engined/rear-wheel-drive car. This is the best of both worlds. Looks like a car and drives like a boat (the Titanic).

  TOO OLD TO BE LOOSE

  I was sitting in a train station last week and saw, over in a corner of the waiting area, a couple of teenagers sleeping on the floor. They were using coats as blankets and backpacks as pillows. And nobody was bothering them or even making comments. It was just accepted that these were a couple of normal sleep-deprived kids off to see the world. But I couldn’t help wondering what the response would be if they were middle-aged men, rather than teenagers. I’m guessing not good. Society doesn’t approve of men sleeping on the floor in a public place. Not even married men. It’s a question of leeway. As we get older, our leeway shrinks. A teenager with the crotch of his pants down around his knees is a hiphop happening. When a middle-aged man does it, it’s a citizen’s arrest. Try to imagine a middle-aged guy hitchhiking. Or caddying. Or dating your daughter. There’s no leeway.

  LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

  My whole life can be traced by people and places I wanted to live close to. As a kid, I wanted to live close to the playground. Then I wanted to live close to the friends I made at the playground. Then my girlfriend. Then the tavern. Then my job. Then my kids’ school. Then the golf course. Then the doctor’s office. Now the hospital. And finally, the funeral home. (I’m counting on a big turnout.)

  I THINK, THEREFORE I AM A WOMAN

  My wife and I had a little disagreement the other night, and afterward, I was sitting out in the garage trying to figure out where we went wrong. I decided it was during the Industrial Revolution.

  Up until then, men and women were on a pretty equal footing. Men worked in the fields while women worked in the home. After the big I.R., the women still worked in the home, but the men were now working in mines and factories. This was a huge setback. When you’re working in the fields or in the home, you can think about things. Doing the laundry or bringing in the sheaves are jobs that don’t require much of your mind, so you can be forming theories or examining relationships while you’re working. But when you’re setting off a dynamite charge or working with a two-hundred-ton punch press, you’d better give the task your full attention.

  That’s why during the Industrial Revolution, men stopped thinking. At first it was just a work thing, so they could keep their fingers. But eventually it permeated all phases of their lives. Meanwhile, women just kept thinking and thinking. And by the time we hit the twentieth century, women had been thinking for so long that they couldn’t stop—whereas for men the exact opposite was true.

  THE AGE OF SPECIALIZATION

  Many experts advise us to fight the aging process. They say we need a disciplined diet and a rigorous exercise regimen, and that will somehow keep us young. This to me is fighting the fundamental laws of nature. The world does not need you to stay young. We have young people who are much more willing and able to do that job. So instead of trying to take the place of a younger, healthier person, why don’t you try to find the place that has been reserved for you?

  You can find that place by looking at yourself and focusing on your strengths. You may not hear very well, and that’s nature’s way of telling you to listen more. You may not see very well, and that is nature’s way of telling you not to look. You may have lost a lot of strength and speed, which is nature’s way of telling you to sit down before you kill yourself. Maybe you could even cheer s
omebody else on.

  Your memory is fading, which is nature’s way of preventing you from holding a grudge. Sure, you’re getting older, but you can also get better. You just can’t get younger. Step away from those Rollerblades. Now.

  TEN EXPRESSIONS THAT GIVE AWAY YOUR AGE

  1) Groovy.

  2) Lucky Strike means fine tobacco.

  3) You got it, Pontiac.

  4) Far out.

  5) Avon calling.

  6) Make my day.

  7) Book ’em, Danno.

  8) To the moon, Alice.

  9) What’s your sign?

  10) I think the president is telling the truth.

  HOW TO TELL WHEN YOU’RE TOO OLD TO HAVE CHILDREN

  Don’t let fertility fool you. Just because you’re still capable of producing offspring, that doesn’t mean you should. Here are the signs that it’s time to hang up your guns:

  • You hate all noise that you’re not making.

  • You don’t want to explain anything.

  • You think the next diaper that comes into your life should be yours.

  • A mid-life crisis and a minivan are not compatible.

  • You don’t want to spend any part of your golden years at a parent-teacher meeting.

  • None of the rooms in your home would look better with Fisher-Price accents.

  • Whatever strength is left in your back, you’re reserving it for beer cases.

  • From here on out, you want to be the centre of attention.

  BIG IS BEAUTIFUL

  I guess the Space Age is to blame for the worldwide desire for miniaturization. Scientists can get the entire encyclopedia on the head of a pin or something. And everything from phones to cameras to cars is getting smaller. Can we just stop and think about this for a minute? I don’t want things to get smaller. When things get small, I lose them. Some days I can’t even find my car keys, so can you imagine me trying to locate a pin that has the encyclopedia on it? I think they’re just making things smaller so we can fit more useless technology into our homes. I say we go the other way: maximization. Give me a wall-sized TV screen, a great big clunky phone, and a two-foot-thick phone book in an eighteen-point font.

  OLD FRIENDS SAVE TIME

  When I was younger, I would make friends easily and drop them the same way. I was easy-going then. Not so judgmental. And anybody who says otherwise is a moron. But now that I’m a little more experienced—or “previously enjoyed,” as the used luxury car salesmen say—I’ve changed my whole approach toward friends. At my age, I don’t want to make new friends. I want to keep the old ones.

  With the old friends, I don’t have to waste precious time explaining things like how I got that scar or why I’m not allowed to cross the border. In Hollywood, they call it backstory. I don’t have the time or energy to go through my backstory. I want to be with friends who already know it and are sick of hearing about it, and who would rather pretend to have forgiven me for it than force me to bring it up. And I know a few embarrassing things about them too, so it’s a level playing field.

  My advice is that if you have old friends, stick with them. They are a great source of comfort for the rest of the trip. And the fact that somebody who has known you for a long period of time still finds you tolerable is both a great compliment and flies in the face of many of your wife’s theories.

  E IS FOR ENOUGH

  I know I’ve been somewhat critical of technology from time to time, but when it comes to email, all is forgiven. Email is the greatest form of communication since the wink. It’s quick, it’s effortless, it’s free, and you don’t have to lick anything. There is no better way to contact people, even your mother.

  For one thing, email is undaunting. It’s a small space to fill. By the time you say hello and mention the weather and your bursitis, you only have room left to say goodbye. And it’s the best part of communication—the transmitting part. It’s every man’s dream: a one-way conversation.

  Sure, people can email you back, but you can delete those messages without reading them. Is this a great thing or what? If any of you disagree with this, please send me your comments. My email address is likeIcare@I’llgetrightonthat.com.

  ALL OUR TOMORROWS

  We have a tendency as we get older to spend too much time looking back. It’s natural. When you’re older, your life is like looking at yourself naked in a mirror: the biggest part is behind you. A little reminiscing is okay, but you’re better off staying focused on the future. And the shorter it is, the more attention you should pay to it. The trick is to stay optimistic, so here’s a list of things you can look forward to in your declining years:

  • People aren’t going to ask you to help them move.

  • Friends will stop trying to set you up with their sisters.

  • Life insurance salesmen will stop calling.

  • Product warranties will become less of a concern.

  • People will assume that the young woman who visits you is a nurse.

  • You can stop trying to lose weight.

  • You can be the centre of attention by always taking your will to family gatherings.

  SUCCESS SUCKS

  Here’s the thing that’s bad about successful people: they tend to be successful in most things they do. If they’re good at running a business, they’re probably good at running a family too. Congratulations to them and everything, but the last thing you need is to spend time with a person who not only makes ten times your annual salary but also gets along better with his kids. And no matter how much you think you get along with that successful guy, somewhere deep down inside, each of you is thinking, “What a dink.”

  THE SURPRISING NUTRITIONAL VALUE OF JUNK FOOD

  When I was a kid, there was no such thing as health food because back then all food was pretty healthy. Today, thanks to breakthroughs in technology, we can eat a three-course meal that is about 2,394 steps removed from a farm. In fact, many of our modern snack foods are byproducts from the manufacturing of synthetic upholstery.

  Generally speaking, a fast food snack with a name like Cheez-O-Rinos has virtually nothing to do with cheese. Some consumers feel this is false advertising, but in fact, the list of ingredients on the package quite clearly includes “cheez,” not “cheese.” What’s not mentioned is that “cheez” is an industrial term for a waste chemical that’s skimmed off vats of latex house paint.

  When you check the nutritional value of snacks like Cinnamon Whizzeys, Choco-Drips, or Gribble Grabble, you’ll find that the label on the cellophane package usually says something like this: “Each 10 oz. serving contains the recommended annual intake of salt, vitamin L, and di-ethyl-methyl-ketone. Uranium has been added to preserve freshness.”

  If you are going to hoover down a lot of junk food, your heart certainly doesn’t deserve the extra strain that comes from worrying about what you’ve just inhaled. So when some health nut teases you because you’ve just knocked back a party-size bag of ketchup-flavoured Tater-rinos and a gallon of Zap cola for breakfast, pull out this handy chart, which proves that snack foods are good, and good for you.

  Snack Food Why It’s Good for You

  Pretzels Pretzels are an excellent source of fibre and salt. Also, they’re shaped for getting between teeth to clean them.

  Sour cream and onion potato chips This snack is basically a complete well-balanced meal. It includes the four basic food groups: 1. dairy (sour cream); 2. fruit and veg (onions); 3. grains (potatoes); 4. meat (the little bits of green stuff).

  Boston cream doughnuts This is another well-balanced food. The custardy-yellow centre provides you with the recommended daily intake of dairy and sugar. If it’s artificial, then you’re getting soybean oil, which is also good for you. The doughnut fills you with fibre and sugar, while the chocolate glaze gives you sugar and energy. And if it’s a sugar doughnut, it gives you extra energy and extra sugar.

  French fries with gravy and ketchup Recommended for those who don’t always get enough
vegetables. The fries are potatoes; the ketchup is made of two kinds of vegetables–tomatoes and sugar cane; and the gravy is basically vegetable oil or soybean oil. The thicker gravy is rich in vitamins and ribald-flavin.

  Jelly beans Another great source of energy. The red food colouring helps keep your complexion looking pink, while the hard candy coating is essential for strong nails and shiny hair. A big bowl of green jelly beans is as good for you as a big bowl of green beans.

  Pez Pez candies build strong bones. And loading them into the dispenser develops fine motor skills and handeye coordination.

  Chewing gum Gum builds strong jaw muscles, cleans bits of potato chips from your teeth, and freshens your breath. The little Bazooka Joe comic encourages literacy among our young people.

  BE A GOOD MIXER

  I’m not sure exactly when I figured out that people are made up of chemicals, but my guess would be sometime in the 1960s. We are all complex mixtures of various chemicals. A change in the chemicals makes a change in the person. Hydrogen and oxygen make water. That’s it. Anything you add to that combination makes a huge difference. You can’t also throw in a boatload of Bunker C Crude and still have water, as everyone at BP now knows. So we should all be aware of the chemicals we put in our bodies every day.

  The more chemicals, the more chemical reactions. The more chemical reactions, the less chance you have of making new friends or being allowed back into the hot tub. You’ll need to do a lot of your own research on this because everyone’s different, but as a general rule, you should never mix carbonated overproof alcoholic fruit drinks with any type of cheese derivative having a pH above 9.